That's what I feel like... having to go back to work tomorrow. I spent my day... my birthday to be exact, moping and lots of crying. Going back to work tomorrow is akin to walking into the fires of hell voluntarily.
My boss obviously thinks that I'm on MC today because it's my birthday. He's decided that I'm shirking my duties and not wanting to do anything. Since he feels that way, damn right I am!!! There has never been a day of sick leave that I did not check my emails. I shall start from now... I shall not give a shit about any emails from now on when I'm on sick leave. These people are so not worth my time!!!
Tomorrow I am going to work and confirming that I am leaving for good at the end of the month :P
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Ahmm... still no result...
:( Went for the interview with the GM today. I think I did ok and left the right impressions. But there was no immediate decision made. I guess it will be a 1-2 week wait :( Hope they will call me soon...
My boss... =.= I dunno what he is up to now... 'nuff said... :P I'm on MC tomorrow cos I need to take drowsy medication. At least I'll be able to rest on my birthday...
My boss... =.= I dunno what he is up to now... 'nuff said... :P I'm on MC tomorrow cos I need to take drowsy medication. At least I'll be able to rest on my birthday...
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Day 30
Today should be the last day. I would say rather than to expect for an answer, it should be a day where I decide what I want and simple act upon it with conviction. I lack conviction :P
The first dumb thing I did this morning was to take a cab to work when my uncle's car was sitting outside the house and he didn't have work... I should have taken the car to work since there was loads of parking space on Saturdays. DAMMIT!
I'd say while my Malay isn't superb, I managed to help get points across :) But my CEO being a person who just loves talking, made some big boo-boos while talking to the potential customer from Malaysia :P One of our biggest shareholders was there and if he wasn't, no one would've stopped my CEO from saying those stuff. I think my CEO has some bad habits. Yes he can charm the socks off most people, but he definitely hits a wall when there is a language barrier. The whole time I found the way he was trying to be 'linguistically relatable' to be a bit condescending to the customer. He then started talking about some shit that really didn't need to be pointed out so early in the deal. He really needs to learn when it means too much talking.
I think the customers liked me though. Haha! I suppose it's always nice to have someone speaking your language. My presence was definitely not a waste of effort, but a total waste of time since I have no intention of staying anymore. After the meeting my CEO was telling me I shouldn't quit, yet again... Again bringing up the fact that I have no job prospects, bla... bla... bla... I think he really treats me like a dumb foreigner sometimes. I loathe that for a moment, few days ago, I acted like one by believing him :P Other than my boss, my CEO is the other person that reminds me why I shouldn't stay. He's promising to change my job function and all, but I don't think he realises that I may be someone whom the company will always not see 100% results all the time, cos I deal better with ad-hoc situations.
I believe there is always someone in the company that serves for special functions or customers, and I am such a person. It's sad that he took so long to recognise that I was good at building relationships with customers. But he will always assume I'm lazy... so I think there can never be a balance in ultimate opinion. He will never trust me, even though he knows I am willing to contribute extra bits, like what I did for the Malaysian customers.
My big interview is on Monday! I really hope I impress the GM and we come to a deal. Next step will be the EP. I'm a bit worried about renewing it, but people have been telling me that it will be fine, especially now I may be joining a big company. Hope so...
Today is the last day of the daily posts. I aim to post each day, but if I do miss a day or 2, I think it's fine :)
I'm listening to Tim Hwang again. Just found out his new album is out. I miss his style... :)
I think I've really decided to get on with my life. Whatever that has happened in the past 7-8 months, I'm about to let them just be that phase in my life. I just wanna proceed with what I have left and hope that I can grow from it. There is no point in hoping for things to always stay the way they are... I think I love stability too much and I enjoy being in my comfort zone, but I acknowledge that I am a person who likes things to be fresh too. I think that's one reason why I left all those jobs... and all those men :P
Familiar things are all nice to have. They keep you happy knowing that there is something constant and available. But when you get too dependent, it becomes like a drug. Often enough, I let things become drugs to me, and that's when I get in trouble. I start to torture myself by craving for it and getting upset when I don't get it. But I think those days are long gone now. I know when to enjoy what I have when it's right in front of me. I can miss it when it's not, but I won't feel torture because of it. I'm getting there, though not quite yet. But after Day 30, I think I'm gonna be alright :)
Looking forward to an upward climb :) A new life could be starting for me any day now... I hope to make the best of it. I thank all the people who have been kind and generous to be in this time. These people remind me that even when there are some evil fuckers in this world, there will always be people who care for me :)
The first dumb thing I did this morning was to take a cab to work when my uncle's car was sitting outside the house and he didn't have work... I should have taken the car to work since there was loads of parking space on Saturdays. DAMMIT!
I'd say while my Malay isn't superb, I managed to help get points across :) But my CEO being a person who just loves talking, made some big boo-boos while talking to the potential customer from Malaysia :P One of our biggest shareholders was there and if he wasn't, no one would've stopped my CEO from saying those stuff. I think my CEO has some bad habits. Yes he can charm the socks off most people, but he definitely hits a wall when there is a language barrier. The whole time I found the way he was trying to be 'linguistically relatable' to be a bit condescending to the customer. He then started talking about some shit that really didn't need to be pointed out so early in the deal. He really needs to learn when it means too much talking.
I think the customers liked me though. Haha! I suppose it's always nice to have someone speaking your language. My presence was definitely not a waste of effort, but a total waste of time since I have no intention of staying anymore. After the meeting my CEO was telling me I shouldn't quit, yet again... Again bringing up the fact that I have no job prospects, bla... bla... bla... I think he really treats me like a dumb foreigner sometimes. I loathe that for a moment, few days ago, I acted like one by believing him :P Other than my boss, my CEO is the other person that reminds me why I shouldn't stay. He's promising to change my job function and all, but I don't think he realises that I may be someone whom the company will always not see 100% results all the time, cos I deal better with ad-hoc situations.
I believe there is always someone in the company that serves for special functions or customers, and I am such a person. It's sad that he took so long to recognise that I was good at building relationships with customers. But he will always assume I'm lazy... so I think there can never be a balance in ultimate opinion. He will never trust me, even though he knows I am willing to contribute extra bits, like what I did for the Malaysian customers.
My big interview is on Monday! I really hope I impress the GM and we come to a deal. Next step will be the EP. I'm a bit worried about renewing it, but people have been telling me that it will be fine, especially now I may be joining a big company. Hope so...
Today is the last day of the daily posts. I aim to post each day, but if I do miss a day or 2, I think it's fine :)
I'm listening to Tim Hwang again. Just found out his new album is out. I miss his style... :)
I think I've really decided to get on with my life. Whatever that has happened in the past 7-8 months, I'm about to let them just be that phase in my life. I just wanna proceed with what I have left and hope that I can grow from it. There is no point in hoping for things to always stay the way they are... I think I love stability too much and I enjoy being in my comfort zone, but I acknowledge that I am a person who likes things to be fresh too. I think that's one reason why I left all those jobs... and all those men :P
Familiar things are all nice to have. They keep you happy knowing that there is something constant and available. But when you get too dependent, it becomes like a drug. Often enough, I let things become drugs to me, and that's when I get in trouble. I start to torture myself by craving for it and getting upset when I don't get it. But I think those days are long gone now. I know when to enjoy what I have when it's right in front of me. I can miss it when it's not, but I won't feel torture because of it. I'm getting there, though not quite yet. But after Day 30, I think I'm gonna be alright :)
Looking forward to an upward climb :) A new life could be starting for me any day now... I hope to make the best of it. I thank all the people who have been kind and generous to be in this time. These people remind me that even when there are some evil fuckers in this world, there will always be people who care for me :)
Day 29
First of all... I wanna say GRRRRRR to a missing Day 29 :P
I think my boss & CEO are starting to see my value. It's clear that my boss knows shit about the project. He knows enough but he's rather out of touch with process and procedures. I realised now that I am not too in it, I can step back and help them solve the problems objectively. Maybe he doesn't like that it looks like I'm running things and making him work. In reality I'm still doing all the admin shit. He really needs to start taking the reigns. I think it's not right for him to still wait for me to liaise with the customer. I think he needs to start moving his arse.
I agreed to go to work on Saturday to help me CEO. Apparently I have been requested to attend a meeting/demo to a Malaysian customer as an interpreter. My Malay isn't all that wonderful but since I've met some of these potenrial customers before, one of our company's biggest investor, who will be bringing them, has requested that I be there ^_^ Nyaha! But to be honest... I'd rather stay home and sleep :P
I think my boss & CEO are starting to see my value. It's clear that my boss knows shit about the project. He knows enough but he's rather out of touch with process and procedures. I realised now that I am not too in it, I can step back and help them solve the problems objectively. Maybe he doesn't like that it looks like I'm running things and making him work. In reality I'm still doing all the admin shit. He really needs to start taking the reigns. I think it's not right for him to still wait for me to liaise with the customer. I think he needs to start moving his arse.
I agreed to go to work on Saturday to help me CEO. Apparently I have been requested to attend a meeting/demo to a Malaysian customer as an interpreter. My Malay isn't all that wonderful but since I've met some of these potenrial customers before, one of our company's biggest investor, who will be bringing them, has requested that I be there ^_^ Nyaha! But to be honest... I'd rather stay home and sleep :P
Friday, December 10, 2010
Day 27 & 28
Came back really late last night, didn't manage to update. 2 more days to go... did I miss a day?
I think my interview went quite well yesterday, and yet there is that niggling doubt that they may not hire me. I hope I am wrong to doubt myself. I hope they felt I was the right person to hire. I am definitely daunted by the skills this job requires, but in someway, I think I am prepared and it will be fun to learn some programming again :)
I got a call back today... less than 24 hours! :) I must have done something right yesterday. I meet the GM on Monday. Friends tell me it's probably to discuss the pay package already, so it looks like I'm almost there. Hope so. The benefits are miles better than what I get now, even if the pay is just a bit more. At least I don't need to worry about my health and stuff. And I don't need to feel like I can't take a single day off work or the operations will fail. I will actually be working with a adequately staffed team now :D
I will definitely miss being able to get up at 8am for work T_T
Another positive note! I received my certification in Korean Elementary Level 1 today! ^_^ The test was quite taxing, but guess what? I scored full marks! Not just that... I completed the course at the top of the entire level with a total score of 99%. I think my teacher was really proud of me. I'm glad I made her happy. I'm so happy too!!! To think I didn't think that I had it in me to do well. I hope I can maintain this standard for the next level. Will also be needing the new job otherwise I won't be able to pay for the next level... :P
Happy happy night! :) Hope for more happy nights to come!
I think my interview went quite well yesterday, and yet there is that niggling doubt that they may not hire me. I hope I am wrong to doubt myself. I hope they felt I was the right person to hire. I am definitely daunted by the skills this job requires, but in someway, I think I am prepared and it will be fun to learn some programming again :)
I got a call back today... less than 24 hours! :) I must have done something right yesterday. I meet the GM on Monday. Friends tell me it's probably to discuss the pay package already, so it looks like I'm almost there. Hope so. The benefits are miles better than what I get now, even if the pay is just a bit more. At least I don't need to worry about my health and stuff. And I don't need to feel like I can't take a single day off work or the operations will fail. I will actually be working with a adequately staffed team now :D
I will definitely miss being able to get up at 8am for work T_T
Another positive note! I received my certification in Korean Elementary Level 1 today! ^_^ The test was quite taxing, but guess what? I scored full marks! Not just that... I completed the course at the top of the entire level with a total score of 99%. I think my teacher was really proud of me. I'm glad I made her happy. I'm so happy too!!! To think I didn't think that I had it in me to do well. I hope I can maintain this standard for the next level. Will also be needing the new job otherwise I won't be able to pay for the next level... :P
Happy happy night! :) Hope for more happy nights to come!
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Day 26
Finally finished my Korean test! I don't think I got full marks, but I think I did well enough :)
Well... my boss asked me to stay. He thinks that I am only leaving because I feel the company is biased against me. The truth is that I refuse to do the shit job for this shit project any longer.
"This is not a shit project," he said.
Yes... this project has brought company lots of new prospects. Million dollar prospects. But it still doesn't change the fact that its a project that requires an experienced Project Manager and an army of drones to get all the menial tasks done. They should just hire more drones, but they refuse to increase the number of mouths to feed. They refuse to hire a proper Project Manager since they still have a few of those within the company to work till they curl up and die :P
So... I refuse to be the scapegoat, the slave, the dumbass who will give up my life to them because of a few nice and encouraging words... No fucking way!!! :P I'm still gonna CONFIRM my resignation on Monday :P
Well... my boss asked me to stay. He thinks that I am only leaving because I feel the company is biased against me. The truth is that I refuse to do the shit job for this shit project any longer.
"This is not a shit project," he said.
Yes... this project has brought company lots of new prospects. Million dollar prospects. But it still doesn't change the fact that its a project that requires an experienced Project Manager and an army of drones to get all the menial tasks done. They should just hire more drones, but they refuse to increase the number of mouths to feed. They refuse to hire a proper Project Manager since they still have a few of those within the company to work till they curl up and die :P
So... I refuse to be the scapegoat, the slave, the dumbass who will give up my life to them because of a few nice and encouraging words... No fucking way!!! :P I'm still gonna CONFIRM my resignation on Monday :P
Monday, December 06, 2010
Sunday, December 05, 2010
Day 24
6 more days to go before I stop my daily mandatory posts...
I was tired this morning, but I had to go get my hair fixed. I'm damn happy that I did. I feel like myself again. The moment the stylist, Jack, finished cutting and blowing my hair, my first thought was "Yes! That's it!" I saw myself in the mirror again. The hairstyle I've always loved :) I was a bit sceptical about the color job when my hair was still wet, but after it was dried... magical :) I wish I could always afford to go to Toni & Guys for my cut and color, but I think there will be times that I have to go somewhere cheaper :(
I guess my sister is concerned, but sometimes I wish she wouldn't pry. When I tell her something, she doesn't need to haul a load of other info from me. I'm not ready to talk about it to my family yet. Cos I really dunno what is going on. I think this is what I hate about the situation I am in now. I wish I had a firm decision in my mind. The thought is more or less there, but somehow fragments are still chucked here and there in the recesses of my brain... ready to be reactivated any time.
I just wanna survive my job now... and I think I do need to get another job, but I'd much rather start a new job abroad now than stay here. I seriously wanna go somewhere new and feel out of place for awhile... so that I can find new balance and a new life. I think I like the feeling of renewal. Brand new clothes, brand new bag, brand new haircut, brand new job... brand new life. There is nothing more exciting than finding something new. I think that goes without saying with love also.
I guess some people get bored because they no longer feel excitement in their relationship, and if they happen to meet someone new, the excitement and thrill of new feelings from a new relationship is what prompts them to become greedy and to want a change from the old. I've been there before. I know well enough now that it is just a temporary feeling. Just like the rush you get from buying a new dress or bag; when you swipe your credit card, you feel elated, but when you get home, the feeling has waned. Maybe it will come back a little the first time you put on that new dress, but after that, it's just another dress.
I think I felt like I had the rug pulled out from under me because I was just learning to appreciate what I had and to value what was in front of me. Apparently how I feel doesn't matter... it matters how the other person feels too. I read today that 80 something percent of women fantasize about other men while they were having sex... I shall be very honest and say I have never done that... in any relationship... even when the other person was a rather unimaginative lover... LOL... I'm loyal. When I get into a relationship with anyone, I am loyal to a fault... until the day I decide I don't need to be anymore. Sadly... I still feel loyal at this moment. Wonder if it will change someday...
Maybe I am just too fixated on the things that are out of my reach... like Seoul... a life in Seoul.
I really wanna go on to Elementary Level 2 of my Korean lessons. Hope I can afford it... I can once I get a new job :)
I was tired this morning, but I had to go get my hair fixed. I'm damn happy that I did. I feel like myself again. The moment the stylist, Jack, finished cutting and blowing my hair, my first thought was "Yes! That's it!" I saw myself in the mirror again. The hairstyle I've always loved :) I was a bit sceptical about the color job when my hair was still wet, but after it was dried... magical :) I wish I could always afford to go to Toni & Guys for my cut and color, but I think there will be times that I have to go somewhere cheaper :(
I guess my sister is concerned, but sometimes I wish she wouldn't pry. When I tell her something, she doesn't need to haul a load of other info from me. I'm not ready to talk about it to my family yet. Cos I really dunno what is going on. I think this is what I hate about the situation I am in now. I wish I had a firm decision in my mind. The thought is more or less there, but somehow fragments are still chucked here and there in the recesses of my brain... ready to be reactivated any time.
I just wanna survive my job now... and I think I do need to get another job, but I'd much rather start a new job abroad now than stay here. I seriously wanna go somewhere new and feel out of place for awhile... so that I can find new balance and a new life. I think I like the feeling of renewal. Brand new clothes, brand new bag, brand new haircut, brand new job... brand new life. There is nothing more exciting than finding something new. I think that goes without saying with love also.
I guess some people get bored because they no longer feel excitement in their relationship, and if they happen to meet someone new, the excitement and thrill of new feelings from a new relationship is what prompts them to become greedy and to want a change from the old. I've been there before. I know well enough now that it is just a temporary feeling. Just like the rush you get from buying a new dress or bag; when you swipe your credit card, you feel elated, but when you get home, the feeling has waned. Maybe it will come back a little the first time you put on that new dress, but after that, it's just another dress.
I think I felt like I had the rug pulled out from under me because I was just learning to appreciate what I had and to value what was in front of me. Apparently how I feel doesn't matter... it matters how the other person feels too. I read today that 80 something percent of women fantasize about other men while they were having sex... I shall be very honest and say I have never done that... in any relationship... even when the other person was a rather unimaginative lover... LOL... I'm loyal. When I get into a relationship with anyone, I am loyal to a fault... until the day I decide I don't need to be anymore. Sadly... I still feel loyal at this moment. Wonder if it will change someday...
Maybe I am just too fixated on the things that are out of my reach... like Seoul... a life in Seoul.
I really wanna go on to Elementary Level 2 of my Korean lessons. Hope I can afford it... I can once I get a new job :)
Saturday, December 04, 2010
Day 23
10 more days to officially being 27 years old... what have I achieved in 27 years.
I've just finished working on something for my boss. Yes I did procrastinate a little. I watched a bit of TV to rest my brain. But I knew had I jumped into it after dinner, I wouldn't finish earlier either. The nature of me is that I would work at it to perfect it in whatever time I had left. So... I can still say I did my best.
My uncle asked me to just stay on until they terminate me. Isn't that gonna give me a bad record? :( I think I will stick to the plan of finding my backup plan.
I still have a bit of work to do over the weekend... hope I still find time to rest my mind... :P I've been feeling tortured everyday when I think of going to work...
I've just finished working on something for my boss. Yes I did procrastinate a little. I watched a bit of TV to rest my brain. But I knew had I jumped into it after dinner, I wouldn't finish earlier either. The nature of me is that I would work at it to perfect it in whatever time I had left. So... I can still say I did my best.
My uncle asked me to just stay on until they terminate me. Isn't that gonna give me a bad record? :( I think I will stick to the plan of finding my backup plan.
I still have a bit of work to do over the weekend... hope I still find time to rest my mind... :P I've been feeling tortured everyday when I think of going to work...
Friday, December 03, 2010
Day 22
Today is no tears day... I was a little cheated today thinking that the day would just be calm... it ended with a lot of frustration.
My customer is still out to use every little mistake I make to blow up and aim a machine gun at my company. My company is deluded enough to believe that it's really because I'm a crap employee. It's alright. You can all suck up the shit you created once I'm gone.
I'm having a massive headache now. I missed a dateline today... dunno what my boss will tell me tomorrow. I'm being squeezed left and right. What should I do? I still think it's too early to resign, but I really do wanna throw in the towel already. The small moment of calm today made me actually feel it's okay to stay on. But I was quickly reminded why I can't.
It's seriously like a bad relationship. You get ill-treated, abused, and you know the other party isn't good for you, and yet you stay because you're too afraid to leave and sometimes you feel they still treat you ok. I'm such a sucker. I think I deserve to be in this shit for being such a gutless ninny... But I really need the $$$
T_T
My customer is still out to use every little mistake I make to blow up and aim a machine gun at my company. My company is deluded enough to believe that it's really because I'm a crap employee. It's alright. You can all suck up the shit you created once I'm gone.
I'm having a massive headache now. I missed a dateline today... dunno what my boss will tell me tomorrow. I'm being squeezed left and right. What should I do? I still think it's too early to resign, but I really do wanna throw in the towel already. The small moment of calm today made me actually feel it's okay to stay on. But I was quickly reminded why I can't.
It's seriously like a bad relationship. You get ill-treated, abused, and you know the other party isn't good for you, and yet you stay because you're too afraid to leave and sometimes you feel they still treat you ok. I'm such a sucker. I think I deserve to be in this shit for being such a gutless ninny... But I really need the $$$
T_T
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
Day 21
I don't see why I should bother to blog. It's the same shit everyday... my boss abuses me... I feel lonely... I feel like a piece of crap who can't do a simple job properly.
Looking forward to next week... I hope I ace my Korean test. I really wanna do well and get my cert. And I hope I find a new job soon :P
Looking forward to next week... I hope I ace my Korean test. I really wanna do well and get my cert. And I hope I find a new job soon :P
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Day 19 & 20
I missed a day not because I was busy having a good one... I was busy with the shittiest day ever. Plus today...
My boss basically let me know I'm an employee with an attitude. Attitude with a capital 'A'. I have apparently been taking advantage of the good wills provided by my company. On top of that, he hinted that I was lazy and unprofessional. It's always great to know that you are a model employee.
Today I think he finally got a taste of what it felt like to be in my shoes with my customers. Yet... rather than defend me, again, I didn't expect him to, he just agreed to most of their demands. Way to make me look incompetent. The customer knows that they need to get past me to make him agree, and he had just possible created more problems for the team and the company by agreeing. I expected him to react in a way that protected the team or company's interest, but he didn't. It doesn't matter though, now that the ball is in his court. Let him solve it. I'm just waiting for the right time to let him know that I can no longer SERVE him and the company. When shall I do so? :( I suck at walking away...
I still need to work tonight... I hate my job... I hate my life... everything seems to have started falling apart since the past month... it's been the hardest month for me, personally and professionally. I'm surprised I'm still standing. I guess I'm made of tougher material than I thought I was. I just wanna survive now. I wish there were people I could lean on, hold their hand or just get a big hug and a shoulder to cry on. No such person now... maybe there will never be again. My bolster is my best friend now...
My boss basically let me know I'm an employee with an attitude. Attitude with a capital 'A'. I have apparently been taking advantage of the good wills provided by my company. On top of that, he hinted that I was lazy and unprofessional. It's always great to know that you are a model employee.
Today I think he finally got a taste of what it felt like to be in my shoes with my customers. Yet... rather than defend me, again, I didn't expect him to, he just agreed to most of their demands. Way to make me look incompetent. The customer knows that they need to get past me to make him agree, and he had just possible created more problems for the team and the company by agreeing. I expected him to react in a way that protected the team or company's interest, but he didn't. It doesn't matter though, now that the ball is in his court. Let him solve it. I'm just waiting for the right time to let him know that I can no longer SERVE him and the company. When shall I do so? :( I suck at walking away...
I still need to work tonight... I hate my job... I hate my life... everything seems to have started falling apart since the past month... it's been the hardest month for me, personally and professionally. I'm surprised I'm still standing. I guess I'm made of tougher material than I thought I was. I just wanna survive now. I wish there were people I could lean on, hold their hand or just get a big hug and a shoulder to cry on. No such person now... maybe there will never be again. My bolster is my best friend now...
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Day 17 & 18
I missed one day... came home late yesterday and I was out the whole afternoon. Super tired... and I didn't get much sleep cos I had to share a super single bed with my sister.
Mixed feelings yesterday. Had fun and I really indulged in retail therapy. I spent about $300 on food and shopping. It always feels good to be able to take my sister and cousins out and give them a treat. I wonder until when I will be able to afford this though.
Waiting for the bus after 12am brought back from memories for me. Memories of the times when I did this with someone else. But it doesn't matter now. They're just memories... only alive in my brain but may never materialise again.
Today I went through another series of feelings. Most of it was frustration. Sometimes I wish I were a person who acted upon my frustrations; who did things out of impulse and anger and showed people that my feelings were not to be trifled with. I was about to just finish my chores and get dressed to walk out of my house. I'm not gonna tell anyone where I'm going, or if I'm coming back. While there are people who care about how I'm doing or how I feel, there are people who don't. And those people who don't... I don't know why I bother to care about them.
I have lots of wonderful friends. The problem is that the best friends I have are not by my side. I can't call them up to meet when I'm having a shitty day. I can only wait till they come online so that I can pour my heart out to them and let them soothe my troubled soul. You know who you are... I love you so much girls... you're my rocks :)
As for all the other people... I can only say I've learnt one thing...
Those who are supposed to care by default, they care only out of duty and you can never depend on them when you need them the most.
Those who claim they care, they have no abilty to care for you. There is only so much they can do for you, and it stops where the limit ends.
Those who don't care... there are those odd moments when they actually do, but they end up deciding you're not worth it.
And then there are the strangers... the people you hardly know who take more time to ask you how you feel than anyone who is immediately close to you ever would.
In short... don't expect anyone in this world to care for you. If there are a few of them, like my wonderful friends, appreciate them. The rest of the world only cares about themselves and they don't give a fuck whether you're doing well today or if you're feeling like crap. Their immediate personal needs are much more important than any of your dire needs.
No expectation, no disappointments. I should learn from now on. It would hurt less to stop expecting anything. But if you didn't expect anything... will it be as good as just lying down on the sand in the open desert, waiting for the point that you just move on to the next life... and let the vultures eat your rotting carcass.
Mixed feelings yesterday. Had fun and I really indulged in retail therapy. I spent about $300 on food and shopping. It always feels good to be able to take my sister and cousins out and give them a treat. I wonder until when I will be able to afford this though.
Waiting for the bus after 12am brought back from memories for me. Memories of the times when I did this with someone else. But it doesn't matter now. They're just memories... only alive in my brain but may never materialise again.
Today I went through another series of feelings. Most of it was frustration. Sometimes I wish I were a person who acted upon my frustrations; who did things out of impulse and anger and showed people that my feelings were not to be trifled with. I was about to just finish my chores and get dressed to walk out of my house. I'm not gonna tell anyone where I'm going, or if I'm coming back. While there are people who care about how I'm doing or how I feel, there are people who don't. And those people who don't... I don't know why I bother to care about them.
I have lots of wonderful friends. The problem is that the best friends I have are not by my side. I can't call them up to meet when I'm having a shitty day. I can only wait till they come online so that I can pour my heart out to them and let them soothe my troubled soul. You know who you are... I love you so much girls... you're my rocks :)
As for all the other people... I can only say I've learnt one thing...
Those who are supposed to care by default, they care only out of duty and you can never depend on them when you need them the most.
Those who claim they care, they have no abilty to care for you. There is only so much they can do for you, and it stops where the limit ends.
Those who don't care... there are those odd moments when they actually do, but they end up deciding you're not worth it.
And then there are the strangers... the people you hardly know who take more time to ask you how you feel than anyone who is immediately close to you ever would.
In short... don't expect anyone in this world to care for you. If there are a few of them, like my wonderful friends, appreciate them. The rest of the world only cares about themselves and they don't give a fuck whether you're doing well today or if you're feeling like crap. Their immediate personal needs are much more important than any of your dire needs.
No expectation, no disappointments. I should learn from now on. It would hurt less to stop expecting anything. But if you didn't expect anything... will it be as good as just lying down on the sand in the open desert, waiting for the point that you just move on to the next life... and let the vultures eat your rotting carcass.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Day 16
Weird dreams last night... and I didn't get to sleep all the way since my mom decided to set an alarm for 6am on one of those traditional, loud, clanging alarms. FML.
Got beaten up during sales meeting. My boss basically told me that I am not trying and even insulted me in the most subtle ways that you cannot imagine. I was ready to tell him that I am done. He was supposed to speak to me about the shit with the crazy customer yesterday, but he ended up having no time to. Halelujah?
I'm feeling very odd today... many thoughts are running through my head. Do I like routine or should I keep changing up my life? Do I really want the nice, stable and set lives that my friends or peers have just because it looks nice? I dunno. I seriously dunno at this point. All I know is at this point, I cannot afford to have any permanent fixtures in my life, lest I depending on them. I cannot depend on them because if they are ever taken away, just like a pillar being pulled away from a building, parts of my life may come tumbling down and I would have to rebuild it again.
I think for now... I just need to keep moving. I should not stop moving. I need a new job. I think there was a reason I changed jobs once a year, other than the fact that the companies were moving. I can't stand being in the same stagnant environments. I like being new and learning things all over? I like having a fresh start... it's as addictive as a new romance. Life would be so much easier if you could always hit the reboot button, and nothing would be left from the past... even those incriminating files you might have left behind, forgotten, in Recycle Bin.
Got beaten up during sales meeting. My boss basically told me that I am not trying and even insulted me in the most subtle ways that you cannot imagine. I was ready to tell him that I am done. He was supposed to speak to me about the shit with the crazy customer yesterday, but he ended up having no time to. Halelujah?
I'm feeling very odd today... many thoughts are running through my head. Do I like routine or should I keep changing up my life? Do I really want the nice, stable and set lives that my friends or peers have just because it looks nice? I dunno. I seriously dunno at this point. All I know is at this point, I cannot afford to have any permanent fixtures in my life, lest I depending on them. I cannot depend on them because if they are ever taken away, just like a pillar being pulled away from a building, parts of my life may come tumbling down and I would have to rebuild it again.
I think for now... I just need to keep moving. I should not stop moving. I need a new job. I think there was a reason I changed jobs once a year, other than the fact that the companies were moving. I can't stand being in the same stagnant environments. I like being new and learning things all over? I like having a fresh start... it's as addictive as a new romance. Life would be so much easier if you could always hit the reboot button, and nothing would be left from the past... even those incriminating files you might have left behind, forgotten, in Recycle Bin.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Day 15
Feeling a bit weird... yea... cannot get used to any routine. Anyway I feel like shit today. Absolute shit. Thanks to my dear customer who'd decided to malign me just because of one mistake I did so that she can cover her mistake. Thank you... I'm officially fucked at work and can consider resigning very very soon.
Came home from Korean class feeling like absolute crap. Class was fun today, but I was reminded of the day's events and tomorrow's shitty day ahead... I was also reminded that I can only depend on myself to get through a shitty day... don't hope to depend on other people :(
My life sucks... 1 of my backup plans is not gonna come in place, so I have to find others... FML...
Came home from Korean class feeling like absolute crap. Class was fun today, but I was reminded of the day's events and tomorrow's shitty day ahead... I was also reminded that I can only depend on myself to get through a shitty day... don't hope to depend on other people :(
My life sucks... 1 of my backup plans is not gonna come in place, so I have to find others... FML...
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Day 14
I know I didn't do extremely well for today's product demo to the customer, but I felt I did what I could given the circumstance (as usual); shitty product & last minute request from customer.
Boss gave me a long, long lecture on how to present products and engage customer while driving from Bishan to Bukit Batok. I wonder why he bothers to teach me when he no longer has faith in me? This morning, I was trying to get the software to work, and he didn't seem like he had the time to rehearse with me. It's difficult to drag him over to get to work like I would my colleagues cos he is my boss :P When he finally came, he demanded that I did the entire process from start to finish to make sure nothing went wrong >_< Help... I was so tired at work today... my brain dried up, and I kept feeling super hungry...
I hope my backup plan will work soon...
Not sure if I did the right thing today, but I think I am starting to be able to handle things... my mind, my heart... they're not going haywire anymore. It's nice to feel in control and be able to enjoy that closeness again. Hmm... but where will this lead to? Hopefully to happiness... that's all I need in my life now.
Boss gave me a long, long lecture on how to present products and engage customer while driving from Bishan to Bukit Batok. I wonder why he bothers to teach me when he no longer has faith in me? This morning, I was trying to get the software to work, and he didn't seem like he had the time to rehearse with me. It's difficult to drag him over to get to work like I would my colleagues cos he is my boss :P When he finally came, he demanded that I did the entire process from start to finish to make sure nothing went wrong >_< Help... I was so tired at work today... my brain dried up, and I kept feeling super hungry...
I hope my backup plan will work soon...
Not sure if I did the right thing today, but I think I am starting to be able to handle things... my mind, my heart... they're not going haywire anymore. It's nice to feel in control and be able to enjoy that closeness again. Hmm... but where will this lead to? Hopefully to happiness... that's all I need in my life now.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Day 14
This morning I woke up feeling really confused. I don't know if it was my heart or my mind.
This morning, I was supposed to tell my boss that I refuse handle the project from now on. I ended up just nodding and telling him that I will let him know the progress of this week's deliverables at the end of the week.
I spent almost an hour pointing out to him that we lacked resources, we were understaffed, we have no time to do the job to the perfect quality the client expects. The client said that they didn't expect perfection, but in their mind, I know they do. At the end of the entire conversation, my boss basically just told me to 'try harder', 'spend a little more time' and to 'get it done'.
I dunno if he doesn't get that:
a. the team is trying hard
b. we have no extra time to spend on this
c. just getting it done this time around does not solve the problem
Makes me wonder what he hears when I speak to him... maybe I'm just some silent movie where he just puts in his own subtitles based on what he manages to lip read... or a mime he doesn't understand.
I really need a backup plan ASAP!!! FML.
This morning, I was supposed to tell my boss that I refuse handle the project from now on. I ended up just nodding and telling him that I will let him know the progress of this week's deliverables at the end of the week.
I spent almost an hour pointing out to him that we lacked resources, we were understaffed, we have no time to do the job to the perfect quality the client expects. The client said that they didn't expect perfection, but in their mind, I know they do. At the end of the entire conversation, my boss basically just told me to 'try harder', 'spend a little more time' and to 'get it done'.
I dunno if he doesn't get that:
a. the team is trying hard
b. we have no extra time to spend on this
c. just getting it done this time around does not solve the problem
Makes me wonder what he hears when I speak to him... maybe I'm just some silent movie where he just puts in his own subtitles based on what he manages to lip read... or a mime he doesn't understand.
I really need a backup plan ASAP!!! FML.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Day 13
Seriously can't take it anymore; Scheming employer, crazily demanding clients and irresponsible colleagues.
I know that I have not done a perfect job. I know I cannot say I have done things to my utmost ability. But I will say I really did try. Even when I did what was right, there was nothing I could do to stop the unfortunate things from happening.
My boss wants to see me tomorrow morning. If he is ready to accept my explanation and move on, that would be great. But if he's ready to jump on me for this, then I think it's really time to go. Misplacing my loyalty is not going to feed me for the rest of my life :P
I know that I have not done a perfect job. I know I cannot say I have done things to my utmost ability. But I will say I really did try. Even when I did what was right, there was nothing I could do to stop the unfortunate things from happening.
My boss wants to see me tomorrow morning. If he is ready to accept my explanation and move on, that would be great. But if he's ready to jump on me for this, then I think it's really time to go. Misplacing my loyalty is not going to feed me for the rest of my life :P
Day 12
Today went pretty okay :)
I finished writing Chapter 1, I cleared the air, got rid of the bloody mattress in my room, had a nice dinner with my cousins and met some new friends.
Good day... :)
I finished writing Chapter 1, I cleared the air, got rid of the bloody mattress in my room, had a nice dinner with my cousins and met some new friends.
Good day... :)
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Day 11
I missed a day... but it doesn't mean I didn't feel anything on that day. It was a confusing day for me. I didn't know how to feel at the end of it. I didn't want to wonder or ask anymore, but I know there are many questions in my head. Slowly... I'm learning not to question...
I overcame 1 fear today. I dunno if I should feel happy or just relieved. Many more to come, and I hope I will be ready for them.
I've been listening to many songs tonight. Songs that I loved during my teens, and songs that I love now. I found one in particular... well there were a few, but I think I should share this particular one rather than all.
Bonnie Raitt's I Can't Make You Love Me - Click to listen on YouTube
Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
I think the essence of this song asks to give up what is inevitably not yours. Take that one last night to make piece with this coming loss, then move on. I know I wanted happiness... a happy ending for myself when I have found what I thought was the best fit for me, but I do know that it's possible that some things were never meant to belong to me. I know that I only have so much will and power to hold onto something. And if in the end, I am not the one... I am not the reason... then I suppose I have to accept it.
I am beginning to feel it. To feel the loosening of the ties around me. Partly because of myself, and partly because I feel the rope unravelling from the other side. This time, I don't think anyone is there to prove me wrong. I can wish that he would wind that rope around me tightly and pull me over to his side, but it's not happening. I'm simply tied to a rope, and probably given a pair of shears for when I feel like cutting it. Disheartening, but it's the fact.
Oh well... Never in my life... when it came to me questioning someone's love and loyalty for me, have I been proven so, so wrong. In the larger parts of it, I am always right. I am never anyone's obvious choice. I just happened to have came along. I refuse to accept it, but it's being thrown in my face and yet I have not given up the fight... I have a long way to go...
I overcame 1 fear today. I dunno if I should feel happy or just relieved. Many more to come, and I hope I will be ready for them.
I've been listening to many songs tonight. Songs that I loved during my teens, and songs that I love now. I found one in particular... well there were a few, but I think I should share this particular one rather than all.
Bonnie Raitt's I Can't Make You Love Me - Click to listen on YouTube
Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
I think the essence of this song asks to give up what is inevitably not yours. Take that one last night to make piece with this coming loss, then move on. I know I wanted happiness... a happy ending for myself when I have found what I thought was the best fit for me, but I do know that it's possible that some things were never meant to belong to me. I know that I only have so much will and power to hold onto something. And if in the end, I am not the one... I am not the reason... then I suppose I have to accept it.
I am beginning to feel it. To feel the loosening of the ties around me. Partly because of myself, and partly because I feel the rope unravelling from the other side. This time, I don't think anyone is there to prove me wrong. I can wish that he would wind that rope around me tightly and pull me over to his side, but it's not happening. I'm simply tied to a rope, and probably given a pair of shears for when I feel like cutting it. Disheartening, but it's the fact.
Oh well... Never in my life... when it came to me questioning someone's love and loyalty for me, have I been proven so, so wrong. In the larger parts of it, I am always right. I am never anyone's obvious choice. I just happened to have came along. I refuse to accept it, but it's being thrown in my face and yet I have not given up the fight... I have a long way to go...
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Day 9.5
I try and try, I cry and cry... maybe I should just die :P
I started speaking again because I felt we were ready to connect. At least just speaking our minds, since the silence was driving me a bit crazy. But I realised that talking drives me pretty crazy too. So what do we do now?
The whole time I am talking to you, all you interpret is "Goodbye..." from each sentence that comes from me. Do you know you're doing the same too? All I hear is you assuming "I wanna leave, I wanna go somewhere far, I wanna avoid you, I wanna be rid of you." In actually fact... all I wanna scream is... COME BACK!!! COME BACK TO ME!!! It makes me feel like you're the one who wants me gone now.
I'm trying my best to make the best out of our situation, but you won't allow me to. The positive action of me moving on and learning to stand on my own 2 feet is being twisted into the negative action of me wanting to have a new life, without you. I NEVER SAID THAT! I NEVER EVER SAID THAT!!! You're the one who's saying it now.
I can't help that you love me but cannot choose me. I can't help that you want me but refuse to own me. If you want me, take me now. If you don't want me, just say so. If you can't decide now, then just leave it till later. No one is forcing you anymore. No one is asking you anymore. I just want you to be well again. I can't help even help you with yourself, because I am falling apart inside. I'm mending, but if you keep confusing me like this, I'm never ever gonna heal.
You keep assuming that I don't care anymore, when it's just your negativity or maybe insecurity. You think you're born to screw up every damn thing in your life. Well... it only happens when you make a conscious effort.
Everything is gonna be fine. Even if I were to leave this country someday, do you think you will no longer be on my mind? Do you think it will be the last you will hear of me? So many things in my life remind me of you now. Sometimes I wonder how did I allow you to be a part of my life so completely in such a short time, but it just happened, and now I can never forget you... I will never forget you.
Please hear me now when I say I love you. Hear me now when I say I care. Hear me now when I say I will not be far. Hear me now when I say you will be the best friend I've ever had. Maybe we are having a hard time now cos we both are finding it hard to get used to it and to handle the situation, but I promise you, best friends will always be best friends. When the anger dies, when the sadness is forgotten, we will find each other again, and we will be able to smile and laugh and cry together again.
If I can make a conscious effort at this moment, can you try too? I hope to see you again soon. When we meet again, I know I will be able to handle however I feel. I know cos I am making an effort to move towards that destination.
I started speaking again because I felt we were ready to connect. At least just speaking our minds, since the silence was driving me a bit crazy. But I realised that talking drives me pretty crazy too. So what do we do now?
The whole time I am talking to you, all you interpret is "Goodbye..." from each sentence that comes from me. Do you know you're doing the same too? All I hear is you assuming "I wanna leave, I wanna go somewhere far, I wanna avoid you, I wanna be rid of you." In actually fact... all I wanna scream is... COME BACK!!! COME BACK TO ME!!! It makes me feel like you're the one who wants me gone now.
I'm trying my best to make the best out of our situation, but you won't allow me to. The positive action of me moving on and learning to stand on my own 2 feet is being twisted into the negative action of me wanting to have a new life, without you. I NEVER SAID THAT! I NEVER EVER SAID THAT!!! You're the one who's saying it now.
I can't help that you love me but cannot choose me. I can't help that you want me but refuse to own me. If you want me, take me now. If you don't want me, just say so. If you can't decide now, then just leave it till later. No one is forcing you anymore. No one is asking you anymore. I just want you to be well again. I can't help even help you with yourself, because I am falling apart inside. I'm mending, but if you keep confusing me like this, I'm never ever gonna heal.
You keep assuming that I don't care anymore, when it's just your negativity or maybe insecurity. You think you're born to screw up every damn thing in your life. Well... it only happens when you make a conscious effort.
Everything is gonna be fine. Even if I were to leave this country someday, do you think you will no longer be on my mind? Do you think it will be the last you will hear of me? So many things in my life remind me of you now. Sometimes I wonder how did I allow you to be a part of my life so completely in such a short time, but it just happened, and now I can never forget you... I will never forget you.
Please hear me now when I say I love you. Hear me now when I say I care. Hear me now when I say I will not be far. Hear me now when I say you will be the best friend I've ever had. Maybe we are having a hard time now cos we both are finding it hard to get used to it and to handle the situation, but I promise you, best friends will always be best friends. When the anger dies, when the sadness is forgotten, we will find each other again, and we will be able to smile and laugh and cry together again.
If I can make a conscious effort at this moment, can you try too? I hope to see you again soon. When we meet again, I know I will be able to handle however I feel. I know cos I am making an effort to move towards that destination.
Day 9
I think my mind and heart were closed for the past year. I did not give the things I loved a chance to bring the real me back again. Perhaps for awhile I felt the things I loved didn't make sense... and they were whimsical and unrealistic.
Reading MKR brought me back. Sure I still have the uneasy feelings of reality affecting me. But reliving the story reactivated a part in my brain that had been dormant for so long. I wish it were my full time job to just sit and write my fantasies, but life doesn't treat you that well, eh? :) I now remember what it felt to be immersed in the things I loved and only to be driven by them. Things... not people... they are just objects and they made me happy. I'd much rather depend on objects now... at least there are lower chances of them being taken away from me.
Anyway... I realised a lot of the things I've written 4-5 years ago, I've actually lived through some of them in the past 1-2 years. Talk about self-fulfilling prophecies. They may be in different contexts, but they definitely happened somehow. It was easy to conjure them up in my stories, but it was definitely painful as hell to live through them in person. But it's real life. I'm glad I didn't paint a picture of rainbows and unicorns in the whole time I wrote it. Sometimes I did, but the other times, I realised I was pretty realistic.
I'm also very hooked on music again. I miss the days where I couldn't live without listening to my favourite tune of the day. The days where I'd get fuming mad when my MP4 player ran out of batteries. Which reminds me... I still need a new MP4 player... *sighs* the new iPod Nano... I'll get my hands on one soon :) I need an Android phone first :D
I'm rereading my works at the moment. When I'm done, I'm gonna start writing again. I hope my readers are still out there, wherever they are. I hope they will still appreciate my works. They had always supported me, even when I didn't have anything for them. Most of them have come to be my friends, and they were more concerned about me as a person than just a writer. Thank you my dearest friends. You are all my new sources of inspiration.
Reading MKR brought me back. Sure I still have the uneasy feelings of reality affecting me. But reliving the story reactivated a part in my brain that had been dormant for so long. I wish it were my full time job to just sit and write my fantasies, but life doesn't treat you that well, eh? :) I now remember what it felt to be immersed in the things I loved and only to be driven by them. Things... not people... they are just objects and they made me happy. I'd much rather depend on objects now... at least there are lower chances of them being taken away from me.
Anyway... I realised a lot of the things I've written 4-5 years ago, I've actually lived through some of them in the past 1-2 years. Talk about self-fulfilling prophecies. They may be in different contexts, but they definitely happened somehow. It was easy to conjure them up in my stories, but it was definitely painful as hell to live through them in person. But it's real life. I'm glad I didn't paint a picture of rainbows and unicorns in the whole time I wrote it. Sometimes I did, but the other times, I realised I was pretty realistic.
I'm also very hooked on music again. I miss the days where I couldn't live without listening to my favourite tune of the day. The days where I'd get fuming mad when my MP4 player ran out of batteries. Which reminds me... I still need a new MP4 player... *sighs* the new iPod Nano... I'll get my hands on one soon :) I need an Android phone first :D
I'm rereading my works at the moment. When I'm done, I'm gonna start writing again. I hope my readers are still out there, wherever they are. I hope they will still appreciate my works. They had always supported me, even when I didn't have anything for them. Most of them have come to be my friends, and they were more concerned about me as a person than just a writer. Thank you my dearest friends. You are all my new sources of inspiration.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Day 8.5
I just made another discovery today. Notes... notes that I have never noticed, and they were there for a very long time. I'd like to ask him what and who was he referring to when he wrote them, but it seems rather pointless now to ask.
I have no one to blame but myself now, for being lost in my own little world, and just believing that my world was fine. How could I believe MY world was fine when this world we live in isn't in the first place? Seriously fucking deluded. I felt hurt for a moment there, but then I thought... I can't blame someone when I didn't take interest in matters to begin with. So... here you go. I've fucked it up well enough, and I just have to let it go...
Blissful Oblivion
I guess I was simply oblivious
Because I was not looking
Sometime ago you were already distraught
I didn't see you hurting
I thought my presence was enough
To stave you through these tough times
But I guess just having me is not enough
I'm nothing if not just another one of your crimes
A crime I was because I feel in some ways
My presence was meant to be discreet
I guess you couldn't deal with it anymore
And that's when you chose to end it
I was blissfully oblivious to everything
I thought we were really fine
I'm only starting to realise now
You were only just being kind...
I have done my best to an extent... but if my best was not enough, I guess that's all I can do. What more do you think I can do?
I have no one to blame but myself now, for being lost in my own little world, and just believing that my world was fine. How could I believe MY world was fine when this world we live in isn't in the first place? Seriously fucking deluded. I felt hurt for a moment there, but then I thought... I can't blame someone when I didn't take interest in matters to begin with. So... here you go. I've fucked it up well enough, and I just have to let it go...
Blissful Oblivion
I guess I was simply oblivious
Because I was not looking
Sometime ago you were already distraught
I didn't see you hurting
I thought my presence was enough
To stave you through these tough times
But I guess just having me is not enough
I'm nothing if not just another one of your crimes
A crime I was because I feel in some ways
My presence was meant to be discreet
I guess you couldn't deal with it anymore
And that's when you chose to end it
I was blissfully oblivious to everything
I thought we were really fine
I'm only starting to realise now
You were only just being kind...
I have done my best to an extent... but if my best was not enough, I guess that's all I can do. What more do you think I can do?
Day 8
I had a dream last night... or at least part of the dream. I was telling my parents how this relationship had changed me for the better. My dreams are such that I still find the reasons that the relationship was good. That it worked. His last dream of me was about how uncomfortable and doubtful he felt about us.
I guess that's a sign? Am I the only one who want this? I tried to tell myself I don't want this, I don't need this... I need to move on, and I'm gonna move on. But somehow... these invisible chains are wrapped around my heart and asking it to stay. Stay... or risk regretting everything. But it hurts. It hurts to wonder and not know. I know the phase I am going through now is necessary... to build a foundation... to make me stronger so that I can withstand the future. But I really feel I don't have much to live for now. I don't have much to fight for.
Any suggestions? I really dunno what is happening around me anymore.
I guess that's a sign? Am I the only one who want this? I tried to tell myself I don't want this, I don't need this... I need to move on, and I'm gonna move on. But somehow... these invisible chains are wrapped around my heart and asking it to stay. Stay... or risk regretting everything. But it hurts. It hurts to wonder and not know. I know the phase I am going through now is necessary... to build a foundation... to make me stronger so that I can withstand the future. But I really feel I don't have much to live for now. I don't have much to fight for.
Any suggestions? I really dunno what is happening around me anymore.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Day 7.5
I was walking in the rain, up towards my house. I was reminded of a fantasy that I had many times put to paper (or my blogs rather).
The girl walks towards her house. She is forlorn and lonely. As she approaches, she sees a familiar figure. The person whom she's though had forsaken her was standing outside her gate, waiting for her. Her steps quicken, and he too starts walking towards her. They meet, face to face, and embrace... And he promised never to let her go again.
I never realised how often I had written this, and in doing so, I was writing down my own hopes and dreams. The hope that the things I want most will come back to me when I least expect them to. I'm telling myself each day now, to stop expecting. I've been trying to tell myself that since last year. Doesn't seem to work much... Maybe I do need a big shock to my system to get my head out of the clouds.
The girl walks towards her house. She is forlorn and lonely. As she approaches, she sees a familiar figure. The person whom she's though had forsaken her was standing outside her gate, waiting for her. Her steps quicken, and he too starts walking towards her. They meet, face to face, and embrace... And he promised never to let her go again.
I never realised how often I had written this, and in doing so, I was writing down my own hopes and dreams. The hope that the things I want most will come back to me when I least expect them to. I'm telling myself each day now, to stop expecting. I've been trying to tell myself that since last year. Doesn't seem to work much... Maybe I do need a big shock to my system to get my head out of the clouds.
Day 7
I'm locked in Room 6. I can't get out of my zone from yesterday. I went to bed lying to myself that I would be fine when I woke up today, but I felt worse. I didn't want to wake up, and I didn't want to face the world.
I feel like something horrible is about to happen. Maybe it should just happen and we can get it over with. But I also wish that it could be a turning point, where things would change for the better. But I think it will be something horrible. Horrible things enjoy seeking me out and ruining my life.
I want to throw everything out of the window, and just walk on, walk on, walk until I can walk no more. My tears are blurring my vision, I'll probably just fall into a ditch and knock my head some edge then die. Yea... that would be the way. That'll teach me to cry for things that can never change...
I still hope for the best. But somehow, I feel good things never happen to me when I need them to. Anyone care to prove me wrong?
I need answers... that's all I need now...
I feel like something horrible is about to happen. Maybe it should just happen and we can get it over with. But I also wish that it could be a turning point, where things would change for the better. But I think it will be something horrible. Horrible things enjoy seeking me out and ruining my life.
I want to throw everything out of the window, and just walk on, walk on, walk until I can walk no more. My tears are blurring my vision, I'll probably just fall into a ditch and knock my head some edge then die. Yea... that would be the way. That'll teach me to cry for things that can never change...
I still hope for the best. But somehow, I feel good things never happen to me when I need them to. Anyone care to prove me wrong?
I need answers... that's all I need now...
Monday, November 15, 2010
Day 6
I feel like I've taken 2 steps back, in terms of my emotional stability today. I am thankful for the good friends I have that help keep me on track.
I think I know what I wanna do now. The big question is if I have the guts to do it. Will I follow through or falter because of my soft, soft heart :( I think for my future happiness, I have to stand firm... Haizzz... it's so difficult to be tough...
I think I know what I wanna do now. The big question is if I have the guts to do it. Will I follow through or falter because of my soft, soft heart :( I think for my future happiness, I have to stand firm... Haizzz... it's so difficult to be tough...
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Scream at the stars...
I long to scream at the stars...
The stars on which my fate was written,
That etched out the pain I feel today.
I long to scream at the stars...
The stars that brought me love,
That then took away that love from me.
I long to scream at the stars...
The stars that gave me hope for the future,
That clouded my vision of what's ahead me.
I long to scream at the stars...
The stars that gave me a new meaning in life,
That made it meaningless afterwards.
I long to scream at the stars...
The stars that tell me I will live on long after this pain,
That also tell me that nothing is guaranteed on the road ahead.
I long to scream at the stars...
But all the screaming will just make me hoarse,
And I will still lose everything that I held dearly...
For it's all written in the stars.
The stars on which my fate was written,
That etched out the pain I feel today.
I long to scream at the stars...
The stars that brought me love,
That then took away that love from me.
I long to scream at the stars...
The stars that gave me hope for the future,
That clouded my vision of what's ahead me.
I long to scream at the stars...
The stars that gave me a new meaning in life,
That made it meaningless afterwards.
I long to scream at the stars...
The stars that tell me I will live on long after this pain,
That also tell me that nothing is guaranteed on the road ahead.
I long to scream at the stars...
But all the screaming will just make me hoarse,
And I will still lose everything that I held dearly...
For it's all written in the stars.
Day 5
Updating early today. My target is to hit Day 30 and cease updating about this altogether. Listen to this while you read. It's been almost a week and I am still moved by this song.
Today, I felt like I've opened another door, entered another room... a metaphor for advancing to another state of mind. I'm entertaining ideas of running off to some far away place, but of course, it's just not practical. What's practical now is to sit this out, do my best, and hope for an improvement; at least career-wise.
Yesterday, I suddenly felt the urge to be somewhere else, maybe fly off to the UK and visit my aunt, have some time to myself, enjoy the country side and simply just learn to take in the world, and not have to report it to someone all the time. I even had the urge to go for a movie alone. I did wonder if I would feel weird laughing alone. Would I feel sad if I had no one to comment on the movie to or share it with later on, but I realised it doesn't matter. Some things you just share when the time or situation permits. Others, you just keep it to yourself and you can simply blog about it if you like :) I think I have always been overly communicative, and sometimes it becomes a burden to those around me.
I asked myself today why I didn't like being around my family. I realised that I do, but it's just some things have happened and we've had some unpleasant encounters, and now we are all just going about each day, getting our own things done, and not caring about other stuff, like each other. Sure, my aunts are concerned about me. I get annoyed with their idiosyncrasies sometimes, but generally, I think they are great and they have my best interests at heart. The one person I still have some sort of love-hate feelings for is my one and only sister.
I love my sister, and I like the times we spend together doing our crazy stuff and talking about all the things we wanna share with each other. What I do not love is how she judges my life. Sure, she is entitled to her opinions. Yes, I haven't made the wisest of decisions in the past year and have often gone to her for emotional support. But what I wanted was emotional support. I didn't need a lecture, I didn't need another person to tell me what shitty decisions I have made or how I could've done things differently. I am a stubborn person, but eventually, if you let me be, my stubborn thoughts would melt away, and I would see reason. I just prefer to get there on my own terms.
The things that she doesn't like, that I still stand firm on... those are the trickiest. She doesn't believe in love the way I do. She doesn't believe in having faith in a man the way I do. Sure I get hurt time and time again for putting all my faith in another human being, she thinks it's silly to invest such time and emotions, but I have never felt that way. In my perfect world, my sister would simply respect my decisions and support me when the decision I've made isn't really going my way, without saying "I told you so". I have a few friends who manage to do that, and that is how I can be honest when discussing my issues with them, and they really help me through my thought processes.
I'm in Room No. 5 now. Another 25 rooms to go before I get out of this place... this space in time. When I do, I know I would have become a different me again. I hope it sticks this time. I hope I have learnt well from this experience. I think I've forgotten about myself again for awhile. I need to keep remembering what it is I'm doing for myself. Some will say I'm young, others will tell me I'm getting old. I feel that time is wasting, and life is wasted if I keep standing still now. I need to get something done for me... soon...
Today, I felt like I've opened another door, entered another room... a metaphor for advancing to another state of mind. I'm entertaining ideas of running off to some far away place, but of course, it's just not practical. What's practical now is to sit this out, do my best, and hope for an improvement; at least career-wise.
Yesterday, I suddenly felt the urge to be somewhere else, maybe fly off to the UK and visit my aunt, have some time to myself, enjoy the country side and simply just learn to take in the world, and not have to report it to someone all the time. I even had the urge to go for a movie alone. I did wonder if I would feel weird laughing alone. Would I feel sad if I had no one to comment on the movie to or share it with later on, but I realised it doesn't matter. Some things you just share when the time or situation permits. Others, you just keep it to yourself and you can simply blog about it if you like :) I think I have always been overly communicative, and sometimes it becomes a burden to those around me.
I asked myself today why I didn't like being around my family. I realised that I do, but it's just some things have happened and we've had some unpleasant encounters, and now we are all just going about each day, getting our own things done, and not caring about other stuff, like each other. Sure, my aunts are concerned about me. I get annoyed with their idiosyncrasies sometimes, but generally, I think they are great and they have my best interests at heart. The one person I still have some sort of love-hate feelings for is my one and only sister.
I love my sister, and I like the times we spend together doing our crazy stuff and talking about all the things we wanna share with each other. What I do not love is how she judges my life. Sure, she is entitled to her opinions. Yes, I haven't made the wisest of decisions in the past year and have often gone to her for emotional support. But what I wanted was emotional support. I didn't need a lecture, I didn't need another person to tell me what shitty decisions I have made or how I could've done things differently. I am a stubborn person, but eventually, if you let me be, my stubborn thoughts would melt away, and I would see reason. I just prefer to get there on my own terms.
The things that she doesn't like, that I still stand firm on... those are the trickiest. She doesn't believe in love the way I do. She doesn't believe in having faith in a man the way I do. Sure I get hurt time and time again for putting all my faith in another human being, she thinks it's silly to invest such time and emotions, but I have never felt that way. In my perfect world, my sister would simply respect my decisions and support me when the decision I've made isn't really going my way, without saying "I told you so". I have a few friends who manage to do that, and that is how I can be honest when discussing my issues with them, and they really help me through my thought processes.
I'm in Room No. 5 now. Another 25 rooms to go before I get out of this place... this space in time. When I do, I know I would have become a different me again. I hope it sticks this time. I hope I have learnt well from this experience. I think I've forgotten about myself again for awhile. I need to keep remembering what it is I'm doing for myself. Some will say I'm young, others will tell me I'm getting old. I feel that time is wasting, and life is wasted if I keep standing still now. I need to get something done for me... soon...
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Day 4.5
My whole day is packed with meeting people today... haha. Just met an old classmate, and in awhile an ex-colleague. I'm generally feeling positive.
At this moment, I feel that I really wanna move forward. I can only say this at this point... no matter how okay I seem, and how I look like I've forgotten everything that's happened and moved on, never discount the fact that I may still love you that much. It may take me time to decide, but if you want me that much, make sure you have the balls to come back and ask for my heart again. You'll never know if it's still yours. I fear that you may give up just because it looks like a challenge, or you think I'm better off without all this. Maybe... but let me be the judge of that. You just need to straighten out your mind and ask yourself what is it that you want. Meanwhile, I am just trying to put away everything in a locked chest just so I can survive my days ahead. I leave the key with you...
Someone told me that I shouldn't delude myself that there is a "right person" for me. People will always change, and we should just deal with it as it goes along. This fact rings in my head now. I cannot control someone who has decided to change his mind, so all I can do is to make do until my life stabilises, and all things feel as normal as they can be. This love has made a mark in my heart. It may have scarred it too. But this also means that it will always occupy a space within me. It will be totally up to circumstances in the future if it will be revived, or simply just live out it's life within me, like any scar on my body would. I still hope I'll at least meet a person who will make me feel alive. As alive as I've ever felt in the past few months...
At this moment, I feel that I really wanna move forward. I can only say this at this point... no matter how okay I seem, and how I look like I've forgotten everything that's happened and moved on, never discount the fact that I may still love you that much. It may take me time to decide, but if you want me that much, make sure you have the balls to come back and ask for my heart again. You'll never know if it's still yours. I fear that you may give up just because it looks like a challenge, or you think I'm better off without all this. Maybe... but let me be the judge of that. You just need to straighten out your mind and ask yourself what is it that you want. Meanwhile, I am just trying to put away everything in a locked chest just so I can survive my days ahead. I leave the key with you...
Someone told me that I shouldn't delude myself that there is a "right person" for me. People will always change, and we should just deal with it as it goes along. This fact rings in my head now. I cannot control someone who has decided to change his mind, so all I can do is to make do until my life stabilises, and all things feel as normal as they can be. This love has made a mark in my heart. It may have scarred it too. But this also means that it will always occupy a space within me. It will be totally up to circumstances in the future if it will be revived, or simply just live out it's life within me, like any scar on my body would. I still hope I'll at least meet a person who will make me feel alive. As alive as I've ever felt in the past few months...
Day 4
I met an old acquaintance today, and I realised I am definitely not the most troubled person, nor experiencing the shittiest life. I realised there are many ways around things, and there are many ways to move forward... So I'm gonna just keep my thoughts at this stage today. I really feel the turning point within me. I may really be feeling differently about everything... starting today. The feelings are still there, but perhaps the rationality is kicking in now :)
Friday, November 12, 2010
Day 3
I asked myself today... It's not like I've had a very dysfunctional family or abusive childhood, so why do I crave connection with people other than my family? Why do I have this burning need to find my life partner and get married even before my early 20s. Is it because of my deluded beliefs in romantic notions? I feel like I am slowly getting over that, but I am somewhat still a romantic at heart... :P
At some point of my mid-20s, I decided that I wanted to see more of the world, and that I will not be contented to just do the job I have, or live the life I am living. Then the big crash came. I crashed and got burnt, and then I slowly climbed up again. I still believed that I wanted more out of my life, which was why I moved to Singapore again, and in that process, I met him.
I think what I felt when I was with him was that he was a person I could see the world with, and yet stand still somewhere if I wanted to. We were both still in a phase of wanting to experience a different world, a different life, so it felt ideal to be together. I guess we never counted on the feelings of responsibility and our ages catching up to start making us feel that we had to decide on the path that we were embarking on together. This should be one of the main fears we both have; if the bumpy road ahead was one we thought worth fighting for. It's a bit sad that we are in this situation now. We are both unsure how much we want this, despite knowing that this is the happiest we've been in the longest time, and maybe the only time it would ever feel so perfect for the rest of our lives. But I guess the most important thing for anyone is this situation is not to settle for something easier or readily available just because you're afraid that nothing as good, if not better, will ever come along in the coming times and if you're also afraid of going down a difficult path. I guess this was what I used to do. I just grabbed the next best thing available when I felt I had nothing in my life. This time I didn't and this is why it's hitting me as hard as it is...
It's ironic when both people feel they are not good enough, having tried their hardest. I want to tell him and I want to remind myself all the time that we've done our best for each other, but there are just some things that you need to let go in order to be the best for each other. I think in the coming years, my biggest challenge in order to make anything work in my life would be to learn to let go of my past. Sure it's nothing sordid or even gory... it's just the little fears and niggles and most of all the huge amount of insecurities built up over the years that continue to dog me. In our time together, I can say that I have never felt insecure, until I realised that I was losing him. That's when it all came back. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be cured. I hope so. I really hope I will be, with time, as I do not want my insecurities to burden me and my partner for life.
I used to wish I would find someone who would take care of me for life. It's nice to be taken care of, but I think it's much better to have a partner who would support you emotionally all the time. In our time together, sometimes I feel he doesn't take all of my emotional shit, simply because he probably senses that I'm doing this out of habit, and it's just something I've believed in for so long. It's good. And all those times when I'm having a hard time adapting to stuff like my career and meeting shitty people, he was there with an arm around me, and a shoulder for me to cry on. Like that PSA that keeps running lately, "Help encourages, but the right help enables." I think at that time, it felt like the right help that enabled me to push forward. Recently, sometimes it was the right help, and sometimes I knew he was coddling me, and I am sure he knew it too, but he still did it, because he knew I needed someone, something, or I may crumble.
I think now I'm going through a process of crumbling, reconstructing, crumbling, reconstructing, and the cycle keeps repeating itself. Like knocking over a tower of blocks each day and stacking it up again. I think I need to stop the blocks from falling, and maintain that stack. Until I can maintain that stack, I dunno how I will react to everything that's gonna be thrown at me. Sometimes I wish we could say fuck everything else and just be the way we were. But he's right. Somehow it won't be the same, and I would prefer it everything happened the right way, the way it should, and when everything has truly fallen away, and all that's left is the two of us.
The two of us... seeing the same things... thinking the same thoughts... feeling the same feelings... breathing the same air... walking that same path. That's how I want my life to be...
At some point of my mid-20s, I decided that I wanted to see more of the world, and that I will not be contented to just do the job I have, or live the life I am living. Then the big crash came. I crashed and got burnt, and then I slowly climbed up again. I still believed that I wanted more out of my life, which was why I moved to Singapore again, and in that process, I met him.
I think what I felt when I was with him was that he was a person I could see the world with, and yet stand still somewhere if I wanted to. We were both still in a phase of wanting to experience a different world, a different life, so it felt ideal to be together. I guess we never counted on the feelings of responsibility and our ages catching up to start making us feel that we had to decide on the path that we were embarking on together. This should be one of the main fears we both have; if the bumpy road ahead was one we thought worth fighting for. It's a bit sad that we are in this situation now. We are both unsure how much we want this, despite knowing that this is the happiest we've been in the longest time, and maybe the only time it would ever feel so perfect for the rest of our lives. But I guess the most important thing for anyone is this situation is not to settle for something easier or readily available just because you're afraid that nothing as good, if not better, will ever come along in the coming times and if you're also afraid of going down a difficult path. I guess this was what I used to do. I just grabbed the next best thing available when I felt I had nothing in my life. This time I didn't and this is why it's hitting me as hard as it is...
It's ironic when both people feel they are not good enough, having tried their hardest. I want to tell him and I want to remind myself all the time that we've done our best for each other, but there are just some things that you need to let go in order to be the best for each other. I think in the coming years, my biggest challenge in order to make anything work in my life would be to learn to let go of my past. Sure it's nothing sordid or even gory... it's just the little fears and niggles and most of all the huge amount of insecurities built up over the years that continue to dog me. In our time together, I can say that I have never felt insecure, until I realised that I was losing him. That's when it all came back. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be cured. I hope so. I really hope I will be, with time, as I do not want my insecurities to burden me and my partner for life.
I used to wish I would find someone who would take care of me for life. It's nice to be taken care of, but I think it's much better to have a partner who would support you emotionally all the time. In our time together, sometimes I feel he doesn't take all of my emotional shit, simply because he probably senses that I'm doing this out of habit, and it's just something I've believed in for so long. It's good. And all those times when I'm having a hard time adapting to stuff like my career and meeting shitty people, he was there with an arm around me, and a shoulder for me to cry on. Like that PSA that keeps running lately, "Help encourages, but the right help enables." I think at that time, it felt like the right help that enabled me to push forward. Recently, sometimes it was the right help, and sometimes I knew he was coddling me, and I am sure he knew it too, but he still did it, because he knew I needed someone, something, or I may crumble.
I think now I'm going through a process of crumbling, reconstructing, crumbling, reconstructing, and the cycle keeps repeating itself. Like knocking over a tower of blocks each day and stacking it up again. I think I need to stop the blocks from falling, and maintain that stack. Until I can maintain that stack, I dunno how I will react to everything that's gonna be thrown at me. Sometimes I wish we could say fuck everything else and just be the way we were. But he's right. Somehow it won't be the same, and I would prefer it everything happened the right way, the way it should, and when everything has truly fallen away, and all that's left is the two of us.
The two of us... seeing the same things... thinking the same thoughts... feeling the same feelings... breathing the same air... walking that same path. That's how I want my life to be...
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Day 2
I went a bit back and forth today. Calm in one moment, crazy in the next... but generally, I think I'm calm. Entertained some crazy thoughts for a moment, but I caught myself before I did something impulsive that would ultimately just hurt me in the end. I should know by now since I've been through it ages ago. Sometimes people don't remember their past experiences to vividly :P
I had urges to cry today, but somehow the tears feel like their blocked, or stuck within me. I think it's my brain slowly getting my emotions in control... My heart still palpitates sometimes, a wrenching feeling, sometimes I can hardly breathe, but I'm also feeling generally normal today... I think I'm on the way to getting myself back... ^_^ I think I have not strayed a lot from being me for the past few months, but I wanna live with me being 100% of me... Today is yet another milestone to me... starting today, I am going to really be independent, and strong!!!
RAWR!!!
I had urges to cry today, but somehow the tears feel like their blocked, or stuck within me. I think it's my brain slowly getting my emotions in control... My heart still palpitates sometimes, a wrenching feeling, sometimes I can hardly breathe, but I'm also feeling generally normal today... I think I'm on the way to getting myself back... ^_^ I think I have not strayed a lot from being me for the past few months, but I wanna live with me being 100% of me... Today is yet another milestone to me... starting today, I am going to really be independent, and strong!!!
RAWR!!!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Day 1.5
I had a relapse... so I won't count today as the 2nd day, as I feel like I'm starting over.
Every day is a new journey for me. I start at the bottom of the hill each day, and by midday, I get to the peak. I climb down slowly after that, and by the next morning, I have to start over again. I wish I had a pause button, so that I could always be at the peak.
Feel tired today... Hope I'll survive gym tonight...
So it starts again now... RAWR!!!
Every day is a new journey for me. I start at the bottom of the hill each day, and by midday, I get to the peak. I climb down slowly after that, and by the next morning, I have to start over again. I wish I had a pause button, so that I could always be at the peak.
Feel tired today... Hope I'll survive gym tonight...
So it starts again now... RAWR!!!
Day 1
Today I embark on a new phase... another bubble of time where eventually it will pop and dissipate into thin air. I still don't know what I'm going to achieve from this time where I am going to surround myself in a cushion of detachment.
I just want to achieve a sense of calmness now. It just feels like a storm of frustration and a cocktail of all my emotions are brewing, and I just want to stay away from the cyclone that may simply sweep me off my feet and leave me powerless to fight for the road to safety.
I just want to be able to cope through my days at this point. I wanna last out this time that I have set for myself. Along the way, maybe I can learn to be less reactive towards the things around me, then maybe I will have a happier life. I realise that I have never really learnt to let live... in the past month or so, I think I have truly tried, and perhaps in some situations managed to let go and just deal with myself first, but I find that every step I have taken forward does come with 2 steps back every once in awhile, maybe in every 1 out of 3 attempts. I need to learn that some things are really out of my control and I should just let things be and focus on myself.
I have a few mantras now... a friend told me to remind myself "I am strong". The next one I shall add is "Breathe, close your eyes and just breathe". Hopefully in the long run, these will help me to come to terms with myself, my life and everything that surrounds me. Hopefully in the long run, I will really be a stronger person. I know I have grown in this past 6 months. So much more than I thought I could. But I still have some way to go, before I can be truly invincible :)
I wanna learn to be able to have someone's arm around my shoulder, but still stand on my own 2 feet.
I just want to achieve a sense of calmness now. It just feels like a storm of frustration and a cocktail of all my emotions are brewing, and I just want to stay away from the cyclone that may simply sweep me off my feet and leave me powerless to fight for the road to safety.
I just want to be able to cope through my days at this point. I wanna last out this time that I have set for myself. Along the way, maybe I can learn to be less reactive towards the things around me, then maybe I will have a happier life. I realise that I have never really learnt to let live... in the past month or so, I think I have truly tried, and perhaps in some situations managed to let go and just deal with myself first, but I find that every step I have taken forward does come with 2 steps back every once in awhile, maybe in every 1 out of 3 attempts. I need to learn that some things are really out of my control and I should just let things be and focus on myself.
I have a few mantras now... a friend told me to remind myself "I am strong". The next one I shall add is "Breathe, close your eyes and just breathe". Hopefully in the long run, these will help me to come to terms with myself, my life and everything that surrounds me. Hopefully in the long run, I will really be a stronger person. I know I have grown in this past 6 months. So much more than I thought I could. But I still have some way to go, before I can be truly invincible :)
I wanna learn to be able to have someone's arm around my shoulder, but still stand on my own 2 feet.
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
5 minutes to save my world...
I guess I failed? I guess I succeeded? It's something I needed, and yet not something I wanted. I was afraid of taking that step, but he nudged me to it. Do I thank him? Do I turn around and cling to his arm and insist I will not leave. I just feel everything played out wrong. I acted on impulse once again and simply because I felt I couldn't take it any longer. I may regret my impulsive behaviour once again, but perhaps it has saved me from killing something that meant much more than my wants for that moment.
It took me this long, not that long, but long enough... I can finally say I am trying to move forward. I wish that the things I want would still be attached to me, like that price tag on the dress that I forgot to cut off... it flicks at me every no and then, reminding me that I'd forgotten about it, but it will be there, until I take off that dress, and finally cut that tag off.
I wanna wake up and be able to smile tomorrow. I hope that I can really do that, and mean it. I wanna be happy... that's all I want now... please keep me happy...
It took me this long, not that long, but long enough... I can finally say I am trying to move forward. I wish that the things I want would still be attached to me, like that price tag on the dress that I forgot to cut off... it flicks at me every no and then, reminding me that I'd forgotten about it, but it will be there, until I take off that dress, and finally cut that tag off.
I wanna wake up and be able to smile tomorrow. I hope that I can really do that, and mean it. I wanna be happy... that's all I want now... please keep me happy...
Monday, November 08, 2010
That I am not
I used to be afraid of sleeping alone... not anymore.
I hated eating alone... but I know sometimes you have to.
I never liked to shop alone, because I could never decide what I wanted to buy... but then these days I think I should just make do.
I keep depending on people, even knowing that they may not be there for me forever... will I ever learn not to?
I still question myself, if I have the power and courage to take on and withstand challenges... most probably not.
I'm trying to love and forgive unconditionally... but a saint, I am not.
Can I still wait for you indefinitely... for now I still am, but perhaps eventually, I may not...
I hated eating alone... but I know sometimes you have to.
I never liked to shop alone, because I could never decide what I wanted to buy... but then these days I think I should just make do.
I keep depending on people, even knowing that they may not be there for me forever... will I ever learn not to?
I still question myself, if I have the power and courage to take on and withstand challenges... most probably not.
I'm trying to love and forgive unconditionally... but a saint, I am not.
Can I still wait for you indefinitely... for now I still am, but perhaps eventually, I may not...
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Rain, Blood and Tears
The rain on the streets, they flow to my heart.
The open cut is engulfed by it, making my blood run.
Washing over my wounds, blood and rain mingle and flow.
The rain drains me of my blood, so that I can release the pain in my heart.
My tears are running down my face.
Perhaps my eyes would soon bleed instead.
I hold back my emotions, I try to be brave.
My confidence has shattered, was it all done in vain?
They say when it rains, the sky is crying.
So I guess when your heart bleeds, you're surely dying.
This pain inside, perhaps it will dissipate.
But for now I wish I could just stop loving, and learn to hate.
On and on, I try to wade through the pool of rain, blood and tears.
On and on, I try to fight against my greatest fears.
On and on, I take the hit to my heart, and yet I still walk forward.
My eyes are only set on one thing, which hopefully doesn't become pointless.
The open cut is engulfed by it, making my blood run.
Washing over my wounds, blood and rain mingle and flow.
The rain drains me of my blood, so that I can release the pain in my heart.
My tears are running down my face.
Perhaps my eyes would soon bleed instead.
I hold back my emotions, I try to be brave.
My confidence has shattered, was it all done in vain?
They say when it rains, the sky is crying.
So I guess when your heart bleeds, you're surely dying.
This pain inside, perhaps it will dissipate.
But for now I wish I could just stop loving, and learn to hate.
On and on, I try to wade through the pool of rain, blood and tears.
On and on, I try to fight against my greatest fears.
On and on, I take the hit to my heart, and yet I still walk forward.
My eyes are only set on one thing, which hopefully doesn't become pointless.
What could I possibly want?
Lately there are a lot of things running through my head. I am beginning to question what it is I really want from this life. Back then, I had planned to be a young mother and that was the rest of my life. Slowly I asked myself, was that all to life, and I decided to venture out and seek more. I told myself that I couldn't be a person who would be contented with just staying put. At least not until I saw the world... or at least more of it.
Till today, I have not seen the world. I ran into several walls. And now, I am at the crossroads again. I watch mothers and their babies, as I envy that bond that they share, I catch myself and ask myself, am I ready for the role of nurturing and guiding another human being who will be totally reliant on me. Guess not.
I watch husbands and wives going about their weekend routines, having breakfast, lunch and dinner at public places. Walking hand in hand at a mall. The wife leaning on her husband as they the ride the bus or MRT. I long for someone with whom I can share my daily life with, and yet I wonder, who will be able to put up with me for life.
I watch people happily walking out of their offices as they head home. I'd think that they must have had a great day at work. Their boss probably appreciates their efforts, and their colleagues are like family to them. While I have great colleagues, not much can be said of my bosses. I just want a stable career with a positively challenging environment. Yet, I ask myself... can I handle it?
Everything I do is countered by self-doubt. I could be doing a damned good job and yet I wonder if I did. I could have given my all, and yet I question if I gave enough. I thought I've had enough, and yet I feel deprived. So now I ask myself, if I keep at this, how long will I be able to last, before my light dies out.
Or maybe all I wanna know is if I am be able to hold onto something for long enough... perhaps keep it for the rest of my life...
Till today, I have not seen the world. I ran into several walls. And now, I am at the crossroads again. I watch mothers and their babies, as I envy that bond that they share, I catch myself and ask myself, am I ready for the role of nurturing and guiding another human being who will be totally reliant on me. Guess not.
I watch husbands and wives going about their weekend routines, having breakfast, lunch and dinner at public places. Walking hand in hand at a mall. The wife leaning on her husband as they the ride the bus or MRT. I long for someone with whom I can share my daily life with, and yet I wonder, who will be able to put up with me for life.
I watch people happily walking out of their offices as they head home. I'd think that they must have had a great day at work. Their boss probably appreciates their efforts, and their colleagues are like family to them. While I have great colleagues, not much can be said of my bosses. I just want a stable career with a positively challenging environment. Yet, I ask myself... can I handle it?
Everything I do is countered by self-doubt. I could be doing a damned good job and yet I wonder if I did. I could have given my all, and yet I question if I gave enough. I thought I've had enough, and yet I feel deprived. So now I ask myself, if I keep at this, how long will I be able to last, before my light dies out.
Or maybe all I wanna know is if I am be able to hold onto something for long enough... perhaps keep it for the rest of my life...
Blog; not much...
I've been totally off the radar on blogger. So far the excuse I keep giving myself was that I'm not inspired to write. I have come to realise that it's just bullshit. The reason I stopped blogging was because I was no longer sure of my life. I'm afraid of committing whatever I'm doing into a document and making it set in writing.
I don't know what the hell I have gotten myself into. I think I'm happy. I do feel happy. But somehow... things are not going the right way for me. Or maybe people would tell me, they're just not going the way I want them to go. I try to hard to do things right, and I hope that people see it and acknowledge it and in their final assessment of me, think that I am doing a good job, and perhaps give me the treatment I deserve. In some areas, I have succeeded, in most areas, I have not.
And that one person... the person who has continued to treat me right... it feels right... and yet somehow I realise that I am not doing it right... it all sounds to tangled and confusing. It all sounds so painful and it just makes me want to shut off from the world and keep to myself until I feel sane again... but I still crave that connection. Knowing that somehow it's wrong to keep going this way, I still want that connection... that gratification. But it's wrong of me to feed my greed... It's just creating a bigger cavern in my chest... and it will just grow while I keep trying to feel it. At some point... nothing in this world will ever be enough for me, and I will just disappoint everyone who loves me again. And that includes that person...
I have never been brave, and I don't think I will ever be... but at this point, I just wish that I would at least learn to face the truth the world has set in front of me...
I don't know what the hell I have gotten myself into. I think I'm happy. I do feel happy. But somehow... things are not going the right way for me. Or maybe people would tell me, they're just not going the way I want them to go. I try to hard to do things right, and I hope that people see it and acknowledge it and in their final assessment of me, think that I am doing a good job, and perhaps give me the treatment I deserve. In some areas, I have succeeded, in most areas, I have not.
And that one person... the person who has continued to treat me right... it feels right... and yet somehow I realise that I am not doing it right... it all sounds to tangled and confusing. It all sounds so painful and it just makes me want to shut off from the world and keep to myself until I feel sane again... but I still crave that connection. Knowing that somehow it's wrong to keep going this way, I still want that connection... that gratification. But it's wrong of me to feed my greed... It's just creating a bigger cavern in my chest... and it will just grow while I keep trying to feel it. At some point... nothing in this world will ever be enough for me, and I will just disappoint everyone who loves me again. And that includes that person...
I have never been brave, and I don't think I will ever be... but at this point, I just wish that I would at least learn to face the truth the world has set in front of me...
Sunday, September 26, 2010
IKEA Sultan Hasselback Mattress for S$150!!!
If interested, email: joeytong83@yahoo.com or comment on this post with your contact details and I will get back to you ASAP.
If you saw this ad on Facebook, you can message me on Facebook or comment on the post and I will get back to you :)
General description:
Original price was S$300+. I'm selling it for S$150. I would prefer cash on collection only.
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| Retail price S$300+ Resale price: S$150 |
If you saw this ad on Facebook, you can message me on Facebook or comment on the post and I will get back to you :)
General description:
- Active pocket springs support your body at its lightest points and relieve pressure where it's heaviest, allowing your muscles to relax.
- High resilience foam filling can support more weight, making the mattress durable and long lasting.
- The soft quilted top covered with 100% cotton ticking gives a cushiony surface.
Specifications:
- Queen Size: Length 202cm, Width 152cm, Thickness 28cm
- Double welded pocket spring unit: Steel
- Comfort material: Polyurethane foam 25kg/cu.m., High resilient polyurethane foam (cold foam) 35kg/cu.m., Polyester wadding
- Ticking: 100% cotton
Original price was S$300+. I'm selling it for S$150. I would prefer cash on collection only.
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