Officially shunned...

I have only several things I look forward to lately...

1. Seeing my bf each day
2. Seeing my Dad on weekends
3. Going to Mei Zhi's wedding this Saturday
4. Planning my trip to Korea

Yes... I am planning my trip to Korea. With no money :P This is the part I hate most. I let myself become financially dependent on my family. Just 6 months ago, I had a bank account full of savings which I had brought back from Singapore. Sadly... the money has been depleted. For the first time in 5 years, I actually have to ask my Dad for money. I hate myself for this.

My own sister just accused me for staying home just cos I need the money. If that's what she thinks, then I may as well prove it to her. The only bitter pill that I would first have to swallow is that I still need to loan a bit of cash from my parents so I can prove myself. Well, little sister... at least I had been capable of financing myself these past 5 years. You have yet to prove yourself. You think you are the practical one. The one with all the common sense and EQ. You think your poor elder sister is killing herself with silly ideas of what love and romance is about. Well... at least I will die happy. So you need not worry about me.

I would love to shoulder all the blame, but whatever I am going through now, for sure is not my fault alone. Things would have gone well if my family had learnt to accept my life decisions. But no... they had to kick up a fuss, they had to forbid me to do this and that... I'm 26. I'm fuckin' 26 years old. If you are treating me like this because you feel that I am obligated to 'behave' while I am living under your roof, then I am very sorry. Doesn't work that way. Unless you plan to drive me out of our home, then be my guest. Do continue to treat me like a 16 year old.

I accept that I have made you displeased, but if you think I'll just bow down and say "Sorry, I will do only as you wish from now on...", you are seriously mistaken. You just can't stand not controlling my life... yes... I am speaking to that one person... you care too much about what people think. In the process, you deride your own daughter, you insult her, and you try to make her feel like SHIT just so she would bend to your will. Why would you do that? Why must you do that? You tried to plant doubts in my head in an effort to cause me to break up with him. Why would you do that? You still keep doing that; telling me what a laughing stock I am making of myself, trying to make me feel that I am being used for my money... Why can't you just shut up and be happy for me? You just want things to be done your way. ALWAYS YOUR WAY!!!

"You were never this disobedient!" True... I used to listen to everything you said. Even if I momentarily rebelled, I would eventually listen because I was conditioned since childhood to have a conscience that was entirely ruled by your beliefs. This was one of the reasons for most of my failed relationships with men. This was why I had decided that I will only listen to my heart and mind from now on.

I am not allowed to be with my bf all day, as often as I like, but my sister is allowed to go party at the local pub at least 2 times this week. Let's not forget the times she came back at 3am and I had to try to make you see it's okay because she's old enough and she's already been doing it while she was living away from you.

Before I came back, I was so happy... I saw a new life ahead of me. A new job, a new adventure, a new romance... then I came back, and it was all shattered. From then on, I struggled to prove that what I had wanted for myself when I came back would work out. But up till now, it hasn't. I blame myself for not putting my foot down earlier, and I blame all of you for not listening to my pleas.

Sure... my bf had a part in my problems. But if you... my family... had been more supportive of me, I would've gotten through it. I needed my family to tell me that things would work out, I should be brave, I should fix my problems... but all I kept hearing was... GIVE UP ALREADY! GIVE UP ALREADY COS WE DON'T LIKE HIM. I wasn't ready to give up. And I am still not ready to give up. The only reason they didn't like him was because of his age, and because they were biased and did not want to get to know him. This is why I am still fighting up till today. I know things will work out. I know my faults, and I want to fix them. Every relationship needs time to work itself out, to build a foundation for the future. Mine was already cracked in the beginning :( I'm working overtime to fix it now...

Of course it is unfair to my family. I have not changed myself for my family since ever... but I would change myself for a guy that I had only been dating for a bit more than half a year. But isn't that what family is? To accept you for the shit you are, and to be happy that someone has made you willing to fix your flaws? I have never felt more enlightened about my personality issues than now. I know now that I keep doing wrong, and I am beginning to learn to let go of things. This is a big personality flaw of mine... whether it's with my bf or family or career. I have learnt to let things go, and to live with less anger in my life. I am slowly applying my new learnings with my bf, and a little of it with my family. But now that I have learnt this... what have I gained? Sadness... I'm happy that things may be easing onto the smoother path with my bf, but with my family... things feel like they are now broken. And I feel the only way they would be repaired is if I do what they want. They want me to give up my one happiness is life now... HIM. They don't say it, but they think he is the source of all my unhappiness. He may be one of the sources of my unhappiness, but he is also the source of my happiness... a big one! Why can't people learn to be happy for me?

My Dad still doesn't agree with the way I do things. But he's not objecting (at least not in my presence) to however I choose to handle things now. Thank you for granting me this allowance. In a way, I see it as support from you. But I really hope someday you will truly accept and understand my life choices.

And to my dear cousin. The cousin I had always thought so dearly of. When you needed someone to support you in chasing your dream, I was there for you. I had always been on your side, and I had always been your friend and sister. To hear now that you think so little of me is really sad. I am so disappointed. No matter what I had done to you, I don't think it's as big as what you've done to me now. Maybe all I ever did was have a few arguments with you or complained about you to family. But you... you bad mouthed me to other people. You belittled me and my health problems in public. You know what? You are as sick as I am, and the saddest part is you don't admit it. You don't see it. You don't try to do something about it. You just lash out, and get angry. You think you are such a good person, and that you lead such sad life where you are often misunderstood by family and your peers. Guess what? You are wallowing... you wallow like me... You have no right to comment on anything that I do. You are no better. I've always accepted you for your idiosyncrasies... now that I know you no longer accept me for mine, despite all that we had been through before, together... I have given up on you. I hope you survive life in that little bubble of yours.

This is becoming tiring... when can I fly?

Does anyone comprehend?

All this negativity is really bringing me down... I asked for some time off, and people immediately assume I'm giving up. Maybe after all that everyone's been saying, I might just give up so that they can get the satisfaction of being right.

"Why are you still sick?" they ask...

Well... first of all... I never get to rest in peace. I blame myself for having a conscience. I worry too much about how people get by or how people will complain when I disappear. Even know sometimes I say "fuck it" and just leave, I feel bad, and it just ends up with me not having a restful time off. If only I didn't have a conscience and a heart :(

"Just disappear for a week, then come back and pick up the pieces"

This is not what I like to do. I'd like to leave knowing everything is in place and will be in place when I come back cos it would kill me to have to clean up when I get back. I'd just go back to square one. This would happen only in my dreams. I feel trapped by my responsibilities, and no one wants to help me with them. Sure there are some people helping out, but they only want to do it to a certain extent.

Yes... this is my shit... this is really my problem. I promised I'd stick it through, and I am finding ways to make things more bearable for me, but how long can I really keep doing this? With people reminding me each day that I can't do it, and telling me that I'm not helping myself when I'm already trying my hardest. I am really not getting the support I need in order to stand on my own 2 feet again.

My bf has now volunteered to help me get things in order. It's fortunate that he's available for the next few months to help me out, but I don't really like the attitude of people who
a) doubt his abilities
b) wanting to drop all their responsibilities and leave now that someone is here to help
It's only temporary. I fully expect everyone to still stick around and work with him. He's doing it because he sees that we need some help to fix things.

Because of our past relationship issues, some people may still see him as a shitty boyfriend to me, but after he'd told me he was gonna help me, I realised that all those past unhappiness, squabbles and etc. don't matter anymore. The fact that he has stepped up when it mattered most is clear that I mean enough to him to go an extra mile for me. Sometimes I really need to get over myself. I'm oversensitive when it comes to him, and I do ask for too much (sometimes). He's a good person, and he has proven it time and time again. I'm such a greedy bitch ^_^

So where do we go from here? I'm gonna stick it out for the rest of the year... until the business is 1 year old. Then we're gonna reevaluate the whole business and see if we can sell or if we need to keep at it for awhile more. My bf and I plan to revamp the entire operations, and hopefully things will improve from here. I can't wait... it's gonna be a whole lot of work, but I'm happy someone is here to get it done with me... *bliss*

Really don't understand...

I got home at 6pm+ today and decided to get some shut-eye before my dance class at 8. My mom walks in and asks me why I'm home early... duuuhh...

1. I did tell everyone I'm gonna cut down my working hours until I'm better
2. I need to rest or relax so that I can heal.

She said... I should be working at the shop instead of coming home early to loaf... which part of point 1 or 2 does she not get? I realised that since I gave myself the flexibility to leave my shop earlier to do whatever I wanted to, my health has improved rather quickly. This means that it was definitely the work stress getting to me. My cousin is abandoning the shop to work for his father starting next month, just the thought of having 1 less person to depend on and possibly having to work my full hours again is really scaring me.

I just wanna enjoy the free time I have now... catching up on sleep, being a couch potato, spending more time with my darling... and of course catching up with my friends and having time to blog, write and dance... is that too much to ask? I just wanna be healthy again. Why can't she understand that for me to get healthy again, I need space and time... T_T FML...

My dance teacher made a very flattering proposal today. I'm asked to join her team for a performance at Arena this Friday for some Guinness event. I don't feel ready. I learnt more than half the dance an hour ago... I hardly remember the sequence now. I don't think I'll be adequately prepared, and I don't wanna suck. Maybe next time :(

Meanwhile... I love Tae Goon's new song, Betrayed :D The MV kinda reminds me of Wheesung's Insomnia, but I still love it :D He's much slimmer and taller... yummy!! :D

The big 'D' has reared it's ugly head :P

I hate having to report this... and I know I have never mentioned this much on my blog. But I think I need an outlet now... and this is the best place... where my friends can read what's going on with my life... and I know that in a way, I am being heard.

Before I start telling my long, long story... I have a few people I'd like to mention. Felicia, Kai Ling, Elaine and Eng Wei... thank you for talking to me. You don't don't know how all those times you spent listening to my cry, rant and complained have kept me together all this time. Lu and Mei Zee, I know you girls are busy, and I know you're both equally concerned about me. Thank you for caring :) My sister. We don't always see eye to eye, and I know you think I'm an air-headed flooze, but you will love me, and hug me when I need a person to cry to. I wuv you! My baby... you don't read my blog, but I want you to know that I really appreciate it when you try. You make me so happy even when it's just remembering to give me a smooch over the phone in the morning. Knowing that you are trying for us just keeps me going :D

First of all... what has happened? How did I get into this shit again? Sometimes... I really have no one to blame but myself. I overthink, I worry, I torture myself over the littlest things I've done that I think might have been mistakes... worst of all, I can just let things go, I can't just let things be. I'm impulsive by nature. Everyone who knows me knows that. While it's a useful trait sometimes, it's what causes me most of my troubles in other times.

So... for the past few days, I've been waking up at 8, on the dot, each morning. I didn't set an alarm. It's just automatic. I'd feel sick, tired, and I just can't explain the feeling of discontent or whatever it is. No amount of tossing and turning can fix it. So what did I do this morning? I woke up, made myself a drink, and tried to get myself to go wash up. But I was too tired. So I just tried to sleep for a bit more. I vomited twice, or was it 3 times. Same thing yesterday. I had to find someway to expel the accumulation of acid in my stomach, and I really can't see any other way. Don't worry... I'm not becoming bullimic.

Went to my mom before I went to work, and we had a talk. For once, she was supportive of the way I wanted to deal with my illness. I said I might see the doctor next week if I don't get better, and she agreed. In the past, she'd tell me to just pull myself together and get over it, but I guess maybe, after her own near breakdown episode, she realised that sometimes you just need help. You can't help being sick. I spoke to my aunt yesterday. She's a nurse in Australia. She explained to me that being depressed is not a mere problem of 'weak mind'. It's mostly because my brain may be lacking a certain enzyme that helps me deal with my stress, and because of that, I break down, because I can't handle it. In my case, my stomach is affected, and in turn it affects my appetite, my emotions, and my ability to function each day. Most people here would just tell you that you are not doing enough to make yourself happy, you're not trying not to think about the stuff that make you unhappy. Well... sometimes, I just get unhappy without thinking. It's like a switch. It turns on by itself, when I least expect it. I could be fine and happy now, and totally bothered and down within the next 5 minutes. I try cheering myself up, reminding myself that everything is fine, telling myself to relax and just let things unfold on their own... let life progress as it would... that I cannot control everything... not everything is supposed to go the way I want it to... sometimes this isn't enough.

I guess talking to people helps. But I can't be dependent on that. I need to learn to be alone with myself, my own thoughts... I'm too dependent on people. I know I am too dependent on my boyfriend... of course my girlfriends would support me and call him a jerk for not wanting to spend more time with me, but to be honest, he does. It's just that I expect him to spend every free minute with me, which is really irrational of me. He works so hard each day, he has his own truckload of issues, and the fact that he'd take a few evenings off each week, when he has no off days, to be with me, and listen to me talk about my issues; I think this is proof enough that he is trying to be there for me. He can't always answer my calls, or reply my texts, but as long as he remembers that he has a girlfriend, and finds time to make sure I'm well, shouldn't I be happy. He always asks me to inform him wherever I am, or just let him know what I'm doing. Even if he doesn't reply, I know that he cares, cos that's why he's asking me to tell him. I'm not settling for crumbs. I don't think I have even been one who settled for crumbs. If he ever starts to under-appreciate me, or god-forbid, ever betrays me... it would be so over. I may be nice, but I'm not a pushover.

Speaking of betrayal... back to my conversation with my mom. She thinks that maybe the business is too much for me, and she said that if it ever gets unbearable, I can always tell her, and we can look for ways to sell it, and I can find something else to do. My mother is giving me a chance to run away. Just as I have with all my other jobs. It's comforting to know that she would let me do this, but I think for now, I want to continue doing this, because I know I can. I just need to worry less about work. I think I do work hard enough... I just need to learn that I am allowed to take a break, especially when I'm sick. So for the next few weeks, I'm cutting back my working hours. I might even take a day off. I really need to learn to let go, and that I can't control everything :(

My mom also said something else. I love her for being worried about me, but sometimes, she should just keep these thoughts to herself. All my close friends know that my bf is younger than I am. Not just 1 or 2 years, but 5 years. But does age really matter? Sure he has some growing up to do, I've done my bit of growing up, but there is no reason to not be with someone just because they're not fully-developed :P To be honest, I don't think I'm all that mature either, and it's what makes us compatible... I think he has a much more mature take on life, while I have more knowledge on work, career and some other stuff... we help each other like that. He has made me a more giving person. I can admit that I used to be really selfish. It's always about how I felt and how I wanted things to be, and even though I do still act like that sometimes, but I realised that I'm doing it less these days. All the things I'm going through has made me a little more aware of people around me. Of course he still gets the bulk of my affection and consideration, I'm learning to give a little of it to others... bit by bit.

The other thing she said... she was worried he'd cheat on me and leave me for someone else, because he's young and good-looking. Yes... roll your eyes and say "What?" :P Everyone who knows him tells me he's never cheated, he's always been devoted. My mom said that it's because no girl has come onto him yet. That got me thinking. He's really courteous to strangers. It does worry me sometimes that he'd give other girls the wrong idea. But he's told me time and time again... he never looks at anyone else. He thinks that girls these days just want a man with money. True... money he hasn't got a lot of now... but some girls are willing to settle for a guy with a secure job and wait for him to get rich, and it really doesn't hurt that he's such a looker. He thinks that girls these days aren't so patient. Sometimes I feel that he's just comforting me, or lying to himself :P To the public, I think that most people feel that he is doing well, and hence, the bees may just decide to come to the honey. Yes... situations may change people... maybe being exposed to the public where he is working now will change him, but I believe that love and loyalty will keep us together. If there is anything he hates, is being betrayed. So even if the hottest, most echanting girl should come onto him, I trust him to remember that he loves me, has me, and all the things we've been through together is not worth giving up over some slut :P Sure I'm always gonna worry... but if everyone worried like my mom does, and avoid relationships with people or dump people before they get a chance to be dumped, there'll be no more couples left in this world, who's gonna get married? There'll be no more romance in this world T_T A friend of mine posted on Facebook "To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing." I totally agree... So... if the worse ever happens, I can only tell myself that it was not meant to be, and I can always do better. Right? I think I'm still pretty hot ^_^

But... thank you Mom for being there for me today... and for supporting me... I love you. You really need to stop worrying about me and my bf, and you need to stop planting seeds of doubt in my head. Already I'm always so worried about everything, it's really not helping that you tell me such negative what-ifs. Soooo not helping. I wish you could take back these words... :( I wish you could just be happy that I am happy now, and just let me live my life. At least my personal life...

I think I just have a lot of issues... and I always expect things to get better by tomorrow. That's why I always feel dejected when things have not improved, be it my love life, or work life, or even this illness. There is truth in the phrase "just take things easy". I hate it when people tell me that, as if it were a cure-all, but in a way, I do need to take it easy, and let things work out on their own. My relationship with my bf is not gonna improve if I don't learn that everyone needs space and some time alone, and my work life is not gonna improve if I don't learn that I don't have to tie myself to the shop and feel responsible for everything that happens.

I tell everyone that I don't give a damn each day, but I do. I tell everyone that I'll be here to take over everything the day everyone quits, but I'm deathly afraid of when that day comes. This shop was my dad's dream, because he wanted to keep our family together, I guess that's why I feel obligated to keep doing this, not matter how difficult it will become. I need to survive. If I've bounced back before, I am gonna bounce back again. I just need time, and I need to give myself time.

So for now... just lots of deep breaths and positive thinking. There are many things looking up for me, I just need to learn to appreciate them as they come. Really looking forward to see Kai Ling & Hazel next week :D I hope you girls make it. Can't wait to give you both big, big hugs :D

I LOVE YOU ALL... I REALLY DO... I'm sorry if I have ever seemed distant or as if I've forgotten my friends. I do think of you, but I just never really found the time or made the effort to show it. Bad of me... but... :( Yea... I'm bad... but you love me still :D Hehe! Right?

P.S. Thanks Dad for always giving me everything. But you really need to stop being biased. I love you too!

K-POP SURGE!!!

I'm just gonna slap on lots of vids for y'all... these are the songs that are predominant on my playlist these days.

First is Hwayobi with Rose. I love the soul in this song and the groovy house-ish beat :D She's famous for always singing live. She ain't the best lookin' singer in Korea, but she's pretty adorable and cool ^_^



I can't get the subs for this song cos Avex has been on patrol... apparently no one is allowed to upload this video. I don't think it's premature to say that G-dragon's solo album is going to be a smash hit. I love the styling and choreography of the video... except for the bed scene... reminds me of Wheesung's Insomnia. The other songs on this album were pretty good. I've always liked G-D's works... I hope he keeps the good music coming :)



Drunken Tiger!! He'd the granddaddy of Hip Hop in South Korea. All hail!!! ^_^



I find this song so funny... and only MC Mong can pull off something like that... hehe!



FT Island is back with an album, and it has kind of a 'That Thing You Do' feel to it :)



Finally... *drumroll* The object of many guys' wet dreams as of late :D Brown Eyed Girls. I highly recommend that you go onto YouTube and watch their live performances :D You won't be able to take your eyes off them :P

Oh... It's Definitely You...

Super Junior is out with a new single... yea... again... after they'd just put out a new album. This song is released as a digital single and is also featured in the repackaged version of their latest album, Sorry, Sorry. Repackaging is big in the Korean music industry now. The recording moguls figured out that adding some freebies like new photos, and 1 or 2 songs, then changing the album sleeve, would make teenage girls buy an album twice, thrice... or more than that. I am no teenage girl, and I've succumbed to this marketing trick at least once or twice. Damn!

Anyhoo... the song is heartwrenching, but the melody is beautiful as usual. I absolutely adore the chorus... Enjoy...



UPDATE!

Yoo Hoo!

Yes... I have disappeared off the radar yet again :P

I've been busy preparing for the opening of my hot pot restaurant. Yea... you heard me right... I'm opening a restaurant. Details will be up as soon as the opening date is final. So stay tuned.

Meanwhile... check out my newest ringtone :D



I hardly know K.Will, but I do know he exists. This song is nice. I love how the tune of the chorus... it's just the way I like it... lilting and sweet and oh-so-sad ^_^