Day 5

Updating early today. My target is to hit Day 30 and cease updating about this altogether. Listen to this while you read. It's been almost a week and I am still moved by this song.



Today, I felt like I've opened another door, entered another room... a metaphor for advancing to another state of mind. I'm entertaining ideas of running off to some far away place, but of course, it's just not practical. What's practical now is to sit this out, do my best, and hope for an improvement; at least career-wise.

Yesterday, I suddenly felt the urge to be somewhere else, maybe fly off to the UK and visit my aunt, have some time to myself, enjoy the country side and simply just learn to take in the world, and not have to report it to someone all the time. I even had the urge to go for a movie alone. I did wonder if I would feel weird laughing alone. Would I feel sad if I had no one to comment on the movie to or share it with later on, but I realised it doesn't matter. Some things you just share when the time or situation permits. Others, you just keep it to yourself and you can simply blog about it if you like :) I think I have always been overly communicative, and sometimes it becomes a burden to those around me.

I asked myself today why I didn't like being around my family. I realised that I do, but it's just some things have happened and we've had some unpleasant encounters, and now we are all just going about each day, getting our own things done, and not caring about other stuff, like each other. Sure, my aunts are concerned about me. I get annoyed with their idiosyncrasies sometimes, but generally, I think they are great and they have my best interests at heart. The one person I still have some sort of love-hate feelings for is my one and only sister.

I love my sister, and I like the times we spend together doing our crazy stuff and talking about all the things we wanna share with each other. What I do not love is how she judges my life. Sure, she is entitled to her opinions. Yes, I haven't made the wisest of decisions in the past year and have often gone to her for emotional support. But what I wanted was emotional support. I didn't need a lecture, I didn't need another person to tell me what shitty decisions I have made or how I could've done things differently. I am a stubborn person, but eventually, if you let me be, my stubborn thoughts would melt away, and I would see reason. I just prefer to get there on my own terms.

The things that she doesn't like, that I still stand firm on... those are the trickiest. She doesn't believe in love the way I do. She doesn't believe in having faith in a man the way I do. Sure I get hurt time and time again for putting all my faith in another human being, she thinks it's silly to invest such time and emotions, but I have never felt that way. In my perfect world, my sister would simply respect my decisions and support me when the decision I've made isn't really going my way, without saying "I told you so". I have a few friends who manage to do that, and that is how I can be honest when discussing my issues with them, and they really help me through my thought processes.

I'm in Room No. 5 now. Another 25 rooms to go before I get out of this place... this space in time. When I do, I know I would have become a different me again. I hope it sticks this time. I hope I have learnt well from this experience. I think I've forgotten about myself again for awhile. I need to keep remembering what it is I'm doing for myself. Some will say I'm young, others will tell me I'm getting old. I feel that time is wasting, and life is wasted if I keep standing still now. I need to get something done for me... soon...