Day 9.5

I try and try, I cry and cry... maybe I should just die :P

I started speaking again because I felt we were ready to connect. At least just speaking our minds, since the silence was driving me a bit crazy. But I realised that talking drives me pretty crazy too. So what do we do now?

The whole time I am talking to you, all you interpret is "Goodbye..." from each sentence that comes from me. Do you know you're doing the same too? All I hear is you assuming "I wanna leave, I wanna go somewhere far, I wanna avoid you, I wanna be rid of you." In actually fact... all I wanna scream is... COME BACK!!! COME BACK TO ME!!! It makes me feel like you're the one who wants me gone now.

I'm trying my best to make the best out of our situation, but you won't allow me to. The positive action of me moving on and learning to stand on my own 2 feet is being twisted into the negative action of me wanting to have a new life, without you. I NEVER SAID THAT! I NEVER EVER SAID THAT!!! You're the one who's saying it now.

I can't help that you love me but cannot choose me. I can't help that you want me but refuse to own me. If you want me, take me now. If you don't want me, just say so. If you can't decide now, then just leave it till later. No one is forcing you anymore. No one is asking you anymore. I just want you to be well again. I can't help even help you with yourself, because I am falling apart inside. I'm mending, but if you keep confusing me like this, I'm never ever gonna heal.

You keep assuming that I don't care anymore, when it's just your negativity or maybe insecurity. You think you're born to screw up every damn thing in your life. Well... it only happens when you make a conscious effort.

Everything is gonna be fine. Even if I were to leave this country someday, do you think you will no longer be on my mind? Do you think it will be the last you will hear of me? So many things in my life remind me of you now. Sometimes I wonder how did I allow you to be a part of my life so completely in such a short time, but it just happened, and now I can never forget you... I will never forget you.

Please hear me now when I say I love you. Hear me now when I say I care. Hear me now when I say I will not be far. Hear me now when I say you will be the best friend I've ever had. Maybe we are having a hard time now cos we both are finding it hard to get used to it and to handle the situation, but I promise you, best friends will always be best friends. When the anger dies, when the sadness is forgotten, we will find each other again, and we will be able to smile and laugh and cry together again.

If I can make a conscious effort at this moment, can you try too? I hope to see you again soon. When we meet again, I know I will be able to handle however I feel. I know cos I am making an effort to move towards that destination.