Monday, March 26, 2012

이계~ 또~ 뭐냐고!!!

My health and my life seems to be forever entertwined. Whenever one is threatening to fuck up, the other just follows like a twin...

My doctor just asked me to go for a scope... I have been dreading that I'd have to do another one again. It's not like the last one helped at all. None of the scopes I did led to me getting the right treatment and getting cured. Why would this one be any different? I'm starting to lose faith in being able to get better.

As for my love life. I have no love life. I have no life. Every day I work at a company where I am hardly enthusiastic about. It used to feel fulfilling, but slowly it lost its meaning. Now that there is a very high chance that here will be no increment or bonus, it's made it even more meaningless to work there.

Love... I am beginning to think it's a sorry excuse to feel like you own someone or belong to someone. The fact that in todays' liberal society, no one can own anyone. You can feel like you're a part of each other today, but maybe next week you can decide that your relationship isn't working out. I believe that marriage is for life, but I find it hard to trust that people out there feel the same too. So what do I want now? I just want to be happy. I just want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. And how do I do that? Money. But what do I not have? Money. So what should I work towards now? Money.

I am not a materialistic person. But I am realistic in that I believe having money just makes everything else easier to deal with, cos money is the biggest worry on everyone's minds these days.

If only I can think like that all the time. If only my heart and mind would stop betraying me.

Friday, March 16, 2012

How far will I go?

People always say, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder...". It's never true for me.

I am more of an "out of sight, out of mind" person. So if you want to keep my attention. Stay close, and stay in contact. Otherwise, count your buttons that I'm gonna forget you, and wipe you out of my life :)

From now on, if anyone hurts me, I will make sure I distance myself, until they disappear from my life entirely. I knew that I had this ability in me, to make all bad things disappear (except chronic gastric problems :P). But I wasn't reminded and reassured until I read this article my sister posted on my FB wall...

http://blissfullotus.wordpress.com/2009/08/28/sagittarius-hurt/

It's brilliant. I never realised I was this weak, and how I could easily turn strong too. But now I do. And I will try my utmost to keep at it. RAWR!!! ^_^

Monday, January 02, 2012

I choose LOVE! :)

I was just browsing through FB, and the song that I blogged about the other day, Lee Sora's 'It Stops Now'... I decided, I am a non-believer.

I heard the song, and I just thought about it a bit more, then I started tweeting my thoughts, and it just became clear.

The song is about all the negativity of love, about regret and about pain. I asked myself, 'Why am I addicted to love?', and the answer was quite simple. I treasure the happiness I get from being in love. I would give so much to just feel happy, because all I want is to be happy. I don't really care about the bad times that happened or will come. I focus on the excitement and joy that comes with loving someone and being with them.

Which brought me to the decision that anyone who actually believes love is all pain and trouble would not be the right person for me. Because when I love, I just want us to be happy together all the time. Maybe in doing so, I put so much pressure on myself and the person I love to make things work. But in the end, wouldn't you smile just remembering the great date you had, the way you felt when you held each other's hands, when you hugged, when you kissed, and you just took the time to be next to each other. When you are focused on that happiness, you forget the pains and unhappiness of the last quarrel you had. Cos honestly, who wants to dwell on shit that happened? We'd so much rather move on and chase the next laughter and emotional high.

Yes, we all have some irrational fears... mine is being totally dumped out of the blue... no explanation... and the person disappears out of my life. It haunts me till this day. Those who think I am too trusting, in actual fact, I don't trust anyone, I just keep wanting to, and keep wishing to be able to trust someone, but I always suspect they'd just abandon me someday. So I try so hard, to the point that maybe I smother the person I am with.

It's hard to be a person who operates on totally opposite extremes. I am either totally stuck, or totally indifferent. I wish I could find a middle ground, but I'm still unable to. So for now, the only way I can get rid of my feelings for anything, is to totally let go.

I'm totally biding my time now. Waiting for that switch in my head to just flip, and I'm gone... I'll just leave from then on... and we may never meet again. Just thinking about it makes me sad, but if it comes to that. If I think that I'm going to hurt myself too much in the long run, I will have to cut those ties.

I don't plan to ever clearly lay out my feelings for that person, because I think he knows how I feel, and he's clearly not ready to feel the same way. And maybe... maybe he really just isn't the right person for me. So all I can say is that I hope he will find happiness eventually, and live without regret. I want to start living without regret.

I don't know how much I mean it when I say "I love you..." But I know it always sounds good to hear it, and to say it. For me, these 3 words say so much. To some people, it's a burden to hear it. But for me, when I hear these words, I just feel I have everything I need, because here is a person who loves me... and with love, perhaps everything will be alright. I wish...

What you mean to me...

I know the first day of the new year had just passed, but I still feel like rambling. So here goes...

At this point of time, I still wonder. What do you mean to me? Is your presence so important to me? Can I make it through my coming days without you? Do I still wanna hold your hand? Do I still want to feel your warmth next to me? Do I still want to kiss you? Do I still long for you to hold me in your arms?

So many questions swirling around in my head as I keep peeking at the imaginary knife I have in it's imaginary sheath. Should I cut those strings, cut us loose from each other? Should I continue to hold on to us? Whatever we have now, I suspect I'd be settling if I went for it, and yet, I can't let go. Something keeps telling me it's not time...

My gut is telling me to continue riding this wave... until I find my balance. When I do, it will be a great achievement. If I don't, I really don't know what comes next. But honestly, I feel more comfortable seeing this through than just letting it go.

But for me to succeed, the most basic thing I need to get used to is to not be affected by you. Honestly, I don't see why I should be affected by you. But I am. Your words, your actions, your expressions... I read so much into them... then again, I do that with anyone I know. So in actual fact, it doesn't make you that special. But because you are closer to me now than most people I know, it is able to affect me at a greater magnitude.

The best thing I feel I can do now, from now on, is to smile, and not be bothered by the things that happen between us. I should just be myself. In the meantime, my heart and mind should continue to harden, as I forge a new strength to become a new person. A person who will no longer be affected by anyone ever again.