Day 3

I asked myself today... It's not like I've had a very dysfunctional family or abusive childhood, so why do I crave connection with people other than my family? Why do I have this burning need to find my life partner and get married even before my early 20s. Is it because of my deluded beliefs in romantic notions? I feel like I am slowly getting over that, but I am somewhat still a romantic at heart... :P

At some point of my mid-20s, I decided that I wanted to see more of the world, and that I will not be contented to just do the job I have, or live the life I am living. Then the big crash came. I crashed and got burnt, and then I slowly climbed up again. I still believed that I wanted more out of my life, which was why I moved to Singapore again, and in that process, I met him.

I think what I felt when I was with him was that he was a person I could see the world with, and yet stand still somewhere if I wanted to. We were both still in a phase of wanting to experience a different world, a different life, so it felt ideal to be together. I guess we never counted on the feelings of responsibility and our ages catching up to start making us feel that we had to decide on the path that we were embarking on together. This should be one of the main fears we both have; if the bumpy road ahead was one we thought worth fighting for. It's a bit sad that we are in this situation now. We are both unsure how much we want this, despite knowing that this is the happiest we've been in the longest time, and maybe the only time it would ever feel so perfect for the rest of our lives. But I guess the most important thing for anyone is this situation is not to settle for something easier or readily available just because you're afraid that nothing as good, if not better, will ever come along in the coming times and if you're also afraid of going down a difficult path. I guess this was what I used to do. I just grabbed the next best thing available when I felt I had nothing in my life. This time I didn't and this is why it's hitting me as hard as it is...

It's ironic when both people feel they are not good enough, having tried their hardest. I want to tell him and I want to remind myself all the time that we've done our best for each other, but there are just some things that you need to let go in order to be the best for each other. I think in the coming years, my biggest challenge in order to make anything work in my life would be to learn to let go of my past. Sure it's nothing sordid or even gory... it's just the little fears and niggles and most of all the huge amount of insecurities built up over the years that continue to dog me. In our time together, I can say that I have never felt insecure, until I realised that I was losing him. That's when it all came back. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be cured. I hope so. I really hope I will be, with time, as I do not want my insecurities to burden me and my partner for life.

I used to wish I would find someone who would take care of me for life. It's nice to be taken care of, but I think it's much better to have a partner who would support you emotionally all the time. In our time together, sometimes I feel he doesn't take all of my emotional shit, simply because he probably senses that I'm doing this out of habit, and it's just something I've believed in for so long. It's good. And all those times when I'm having a hard time adapting to stuff like my career and meeting shitty people, he was there with an arm around me, and a shoulder for me to cry on. Like that PSA that keeps running lately, "Help encourages, but the right help enables." I think at that time, it felt like the right help that enabled me to push forward. Recently, sometimes it was the right help, and sometimes I knew he was coddling me, and I am sure he knew it too, but he still did it, because he knew I needed someone, something, or I may crumble.

I think now I'm going through a process of crumbling, reconstructing, crumbling, reconstructing, and the cycle keeps repeating itself. Like knocking over a tower of blocks each day and stacking it up again. I think I need to stop the blocks from falling, and maintain that stack. Until I can maintain that stack, I dunno how I will react to everything that's gonna be thrown at me. Sometimes I wish we could say fuck everything else and just be the way we were. But he's right. Somehow it won't be the same, and I would prefer it everything happened the right way, the way it should, and when everything has truly fallen away, and all that's left is the two of us.

The two of us... seeing the same things... thinking the same thoughts... feeling the same feelings... breathing the same air... walking that same path. That's how I want my life to be...