Day 11

I missed a day... but it doesn't mean I didn't feel anything on that day. It was a confusing day for me. I didn't know how to feel at the end of it. I didn't want to wonder or ask anymore, but I know there are many questions in my head. Slowly... I'm learning not to question...

I overcame 1 fear today. I dunno if I should feel happy or just relieved. Many more to come, and I hope I will be ready for them.

I've been listening to many songs tonight. Songs that I loved during my teens, and songs that I love now. I found one in particular... well there were a few, but I think I should share this particular one rather than all.

Bonnie Raitt's I Can't Make You Love Me - Click to listen on YouTube

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me


Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't


I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight


Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I think the essence of this song asks to give up what is inevitably not yours. Take that one last night to make piece with this coming loss, then move on. I know I wanted happiness... a happy ending for myself when I have found what I thought was the best fit for me, but I do know that it's possible that some things were never meant to belong to me. I know that I only have so much will and power to hold onto something. And if in the end, I am not the one... I am not the reason... then I suppose I have to accept it.

I am beginning to feel it. To feel the loosening of the ties around me. Partly because of myself, and partly because I feel the rope unravelling from the other side. This time, I don't think anyone is there to prove me wrong. I can wish that he would wind that rope around me tightly and pull me over to his side, but it's not happening. I'm simply tied to a rope, and probably given a pair of shears for when I feel like cutting it. Disheartening, but it's the fact.

Oh well... Never in my life... when it came to me questioning someone's love and loyalty for me, have I been proven so, so wrong. In the larger parts of it, I am always right. I am never anyone's obvious choice. I just happened to have came along. I refuse to accept it, but it's being thrown in my face and yet I have not given up the fight... I have a long way to go...