What could I possibly want?

Lately there are a lot of things running through my head. I am beginning to question what it is I really want from this life. Back then, I had planned to be a young mother and that was the rest of my life. Slowly I asked myself, was that all to life, and I decided to venture out and seek more. I told myself that I couldn't be a person who would be contented with just staying put. At least not until I saw the world... or at least more of it.

Till today, I have not seen the world. I ran into several walls. And now, I am at the crossroads again. I watch mothers and their babies, as I envy that bond that they share, I catch myself and ask myself, am I ready for the role of nurturing and guiding another human being who will be totally reliant on me. Guess not.

I watch husbands and wives going about their weekend routines, having breakfast, lunch and dinner at public places. Walking hand in hand at a mall. The wife leaning on her husband as they the ride the bus or MRT. I long for someone with whom I can share my daily life with, and yet I wonder, who will be able to put up with me for life.

I watch people happily walking out of their offices as they head home. I'd think that they must have had a great day at work. Their boss probably appreciates their efforts, and their colleagues are like family to them. While I have great colleagues, not much can be said of my bosses. I just want a stable career with a positively challenging environment. Yet, I ask myself... can I handle it?

Everything I do is countered by self-doubt. I could be doing a damned good job and yet I wonder if I did. I could have given my all, and yet I question if I gave enough. I thought I've had enough, and yet I feel deprived. So now I ask myself, if I keep at this, how long will I be able to last, before my light dies out.

Or maybe all I wanna know is if I am be able to hold onto something for long enough... perhaps keep it for the rest of my life...