Planning to Fail?

While I am making headway in understanding the Korean language, speaking is still tough for me. Really need to work on it. These thoughts aside. Someone introduced me to this song, there were no subs available, but I slowly understood after reading the lyrics. Lee Sora's 'It Stops Now'.



Maybe that's not the exact translation of the title, but this is how I will interpret it. The song is about not wanting to ever be with this person again after breaking up. I guess it does describe 1 of my relationships; I regret being the fool, why was I like that, my life is better now, I've forgotten you, I will never go back, it was difficult and painful for me, and I doing this for myself now. I really feel the same way about that one relationship, and the song describes it perfectly.

But when I listen to this song, I'd feel like crying. In some way, I feel I may redo all these stupid things whenever I loved someone. An ex-boyfriend once told me, he was worried for me if we broke up. I didn't really take his words to heart then, but hearing it from someone else recently made me realise. I had all these weaknesses that made me easy-game for anyone who wanted to take advantage of me. This disease of being myself made it simple enough for my heart to be stolen without a fight, and in the process, I get hurt.

I realised since I left the safety of his side, that concerned ex-boyfriend, I have repeatedly been scarred. I've been too complacent and trusting, and I believed that I would have nothing to fear from others, but I guess I was wrong. But of course not just anyone could come close in that way, for those who actually think I am THAT easy. Those I do not want near me will never get near me, but those that I let past the gates, those are the ones I need to be wary of. So those whom I had let past those gates, with them, I let my guard down, so much that I became an open target, and it was up to them if they wanted to take the shot; to catch me or to hurt me.

Sometimes I wonder how my heart and mind operated. I continue to be fooled by both into thinking that the rest of the world was as good as I expected them to be. Even when deep inside me I felt someone wasn't treating me right, I continue to give them opportunities... to keep mistreating me.

I feel in this past year, I have met so many people by chance... these people came into my life without be expecting it, and they have taken up a huge space in it. It confused me, and it misled me for awhile, but I'm slowly coming to terms with what we are, and I am learning to appreciate it for whatever it is. It will get better :)

So my new year resolution, is to stop hurting myself. I still don't know how I'm going to do it, but I will try my best. I'll still cry from my frustrations, I'll still feel lonely because there is no one to hold my hand and hug me when I'm sad. But I will do my best to keep strengthening my character. For those who will miss the old me, you should've held on to her when you had the chance.