Clean me out...

I think, the only way I can describe this feeling is 'hollow'... I feel like my insides have been carved out, leaving this vacant space within me. No matter what I do, I can't seem to fill it. Nothing makes me feel whole again. On some occasions long ago, there were people who could fill them, but these people took more out of me than they gave, so the end result was the same.

I know that I have to fill the void on my own, with things that make me feel warm, happy and worthy, but at this point, these things hardly exist in my life. So the cycle repeats itself. Again I search for other who may distract me from the emptiness I feel. Mind you that I know the difference now. No one can complete me... they can only distract me from feeling incomplete. Sooner or later, it may still fall apart because I can't solve my own issues. But even in that event, I should stop blaming myself for it. Instead, have I ever wondered why they didn't stick by me and loved me for being less than complete. Other than family, there was only one person who ever did that for me. But I was never fair to him, so I had to leave.

I used to think money would be enough. Then again, since I still didn't have enough money, I wouldn't know if it would indeed make me feel happy. But to be able to buy all the things I desire, and not have anyone to share it with, seems pretty pointless. These things only hold my attention for a short while... then I'm looking for something new again... Meaningless.

Writing all this down now doesn't even help me feel less troubled. I just want to find something... but I don't know what it is... Love? Recognition? Riches? I still don't know... Maybe everything did equate to love... because most of the time, whatever we did was because we felt less important to the rest of the world, so it's our only way of finding more love, adoration, or just trying to boost our frail egos. Love... maybe I should just forget about it.