난 네한테 뭐니?

What am I to you?

I'm supposed to be focusing on work starting today, and yet here I am focusing on this sudden feeling of sadness. I went to bed tired and feeling I had somewhat accomplished something this weekend. When I woke up this morning, I felt fine. But all of the sudden, I'm reminded of the farewell yesterday. I will probably need time to get over this feeling of loss. In a way, he's still so near me. It would only be a bus ride if I wanted to see him once more before he went too far for me to reach him, and I would then have to wait till next year. Meeting him again reminded me of what can never be, at the same time, it still gave me hope because I know in some way, I still felt the same about him. But I guess this is how anyone would feel about a person who has never hurt them. You have no reason to hate them, to give up on them... you just keep waiting for that opportunity for things to begin. But deep inside, I know that it would probably always be this way. It's like ahead of me, I could see perfect weather, but dark clouds were always lurking around.

What of the other one... the one who confused me the most. At least I knew where I stood with... I think it's time to code name people... let's call the first one Jae, and the 2nd one Brian. So... at least I knew where I stood with Jae. He has a way of reminding me that we may never progress further than this, but at the same time, he makes me feel that he cares for me as a friend, as a person. Whereas Brian, at this point all I know of our relationship is from speculation. Officially, we are friends. Nothing more. But the vibes he's been giving recently is just plain confusing, and everyone I know has translated it into jealousy. He has always been nice and we're also unusually close when we meet and talk. But somehow, talking to him has always been somewhat more fun than with Jae. Cos maybe while me and Jae do have our jokes and all, it never feels childish. With Brian, its very often cute, and fun. I don't know how much he cares about me cos I've only seen that attentive side whenever we meet face to face.

Hot and cold... hot and cold... I hate this feeling. I hate being unsure of where I stand in people's lives. Even friends. Am I a good friend? Am I just someone you talk to out of politeness? Pick a role. Put me in a box, classify me, categorize me, label me... I just hate being nondescript...