What you mean to me...

I know the first day of the new year had just passed, but I still feel like rambling. So here goes...

At this point of time, I still wonder. What do you mean to me? Is your presence so important to me? Can I make it through my coming days without you? Do I still wanna hold your hand? Do I still want to feel your warmth next to me? Do I still want to kiss you? Do I still long for you to hold me in your arms?

So many questions swirling around in my head as I keep peeking at the imaginary knife I have in it's imaginary sheath. Should I cut those strings, cut us loose from each other? Should I continue to hold on to us? Whatever we have now, I suspect I'd be settling if I went for it, and yet, I can't let go. Something keeps telling me it's not time...

My gut is telling me to continue riding this wave... until I find my balance. When I do, it will be a great achievement. If I don't, I really don't know what comes next. But honestly, I feel more comfortable seeing this through than just letting it go.

But for me to succeed, the most basic thing I need to get used to is to not be affected by you. Honestly, I don't see why I should be affected by you. But I am. Your words, your actions, your expressions... I read so much into them... then again, I do that with anyone I know. So in actual fact, it doesn't make you that special. But because you are closer to me now than most people I know, it is able to affect me at a greater magnitude.

The best thing I feel I can do now, from now on, is to smile, and not be bothered by the things that happen between us. I should just be myself. In the meantime, my heart and mind should continue to harden, as I forge a new strength to become a new person. A person who will no longer be affected by anyone ever again.