Planning to Fail?

While I am making headway in understanding the Korean language, speaking is still tough for me. Really need to work on it. These thoughts aside. Someone introduced me to this song, there were no subs available, but I slowly understood after reading the lyrics. Lee Sora's 'It Stops Now'.



Maybe that's not the exact translation of the title, but this is how I will interpret it. The song is about not wanting to ever be with this person again after breaking up. I guess it does describe 1 of my relationships; I regret being the fool, why was I like that, my life is better now, I've forgotten you, I will never go back, it was difficult and painful for me, and I doing this for myself now. I really feel the same way about that one relationship, and the song describes it perfectly.

But when I listen to this song, I'd feel like crying. In some way, I feel I may redo all these stupid things whenever I loved someone. An ex-boyfriend once told me, he was worried for me if we broke up. I didn't really take his words to heart then, but hearing it from someone else recently made me realise. I had all these weaknesses that made me easy-game for anyone who wanted to take advantage of me. This disease of being myself made it simple enough for my heart to be stolen without a fight, and in the process, I get hurt.

I realised since I left the safety of his side, that concerned ex-boyfriend, I have repeatedly been scarred. I've been too complacent and trusting, and I believed that I would have nothing to fear from others, but I guess I was wrong. But of course not just anyone could come close in that way, for those who actually think I am THAT easy. Those I do not want near me will never get near me, but those that I let past the gates, those are the ones I need to be wary of. So those whom I had let past those gates, with them, I let my guard down, so much that I became an open target, and it was up to them if they wanted to take the shot; to catch me or to hurt me.

Sometimes I wonder how my heart and mind operated. I continue to be fooled by both into thinking that the rest of the world was as good as I expected them to be. Even when deep inside me I felt someone wasn't treating me right, I continue to give them opportunities... to keep mistreating me.

I feel in this past year, I have met so many people by chance... these people came into my life without be expecting it, and they have taken up a huge space in it. It confused me, and it misled me for awhile, but I'm slowly coming to terms with what we are, and I am learning to appreciate it for whatever it is. It will get better :)

So my new year resolution, is to stop hurting myself. I still don't know how I'm going to do it, but I will try my best. I'll still cry from my frustrations, I'll still feel lonely because there is no one to hold my hand and hug me when I'm sad. But I will do my best to keep strengthening my character. For those who will miss the old me, you should've held on to her when you had the chance.

Where do we go from here?

At this point, I know this is nothing near to being in love. This attraction, infatuation, dependency... and the comfort I get from knowing you are there. It's weird. Even if you don't respond whenever we're not face to face... and you repeatedly convince yourself that we can never be together, somehow I feel, we still want something from each other. It may fizzle out within a year, or it may end up lasting a lifetime, we won't know until we try. But for now, the fears inside us are too great, that we keep pushing each other away, mentally.

Where do we go from here?

In my mind, scenes of our time together keep replaying. I try to pick something bad out of the scene, but unfortunately, none so far... How do you ignore good memories? How do you forsake goodfeelings? How do you let what could possibly be love pass you by?

I suppose in our will to survive, we can, and we will. We'll keep doing this, pushing aside those thoughts, until one day, we decide that we need to let each other go, or perhaps...never let go...

Upgrade to v28.0

Sleepless night~ maybe the ongoing age upgrade made me restless last night. It funny how a significant day in your life can be a turning point just like that. The events of yesterday leading up till today made me realise a lot of things.

It's been a long year. It passed by quickly, but so much has happened, and I have achieved and done so much in this short time. However in all the glitter of my small achievements, there are those moments and things that still weigh me down, like finding lumps of coal in your Christmas stocking. But if I were to reflect on my year, I'd say I did pretty well:

1. I have a stable albeit questionably shitty job that pays adequately.
Note that I used 'adequate' because I don't think I'm being paid well enough for the things I have to put up with or if I compared my salary to my colleagues'.

2. I've completed 1 year of Korean lessons.
TOPIK cert in my hands now, but I'm not happy with the results. I feel I can keep doing better, and even though I have stopped going to classes, I feel that I am working on it and improving slowly. My goal now is to improve in terms of speaking Korean. Need to figure out how though :(

3. I went to Korea
1 really big dream fulfilled. Realised it's not so difficult to go there in the first place. So much that I am planning to go again next year, every year, if possible. Sure... I'll probably just spend my days there shopping and catching up with friends, but I feel great just doing that :)

4. Started dancing again
Popping is really not my forte, but I am seriously considering on taking up Popping II. I really need to buck up and master all those basics :( Then I should also take up some other genre. Whaacking? Krumping? No matter how everything changes in my life, I still find joy in music and dance. I should definitely try to maintain this in my life.

5. Made new friends
While I still question the existence of some of these people in my life, I'm pretty happy to have the rest around me. There are the eclectic few with whom I share a great connection with, and I am glad they are my friends now. Even though we've not known each other for long, they are now a big part of me.

6. Figured out a new way to earn $$
There were many times I wished that I had that extra $100, but it cannot be possible without a part time job or winning the lottery. I finally found something I could do to earn that money. Teach Korean. I can hear all those native Korean teachers pooh-pooh-ing me for this, and even those students who would snub me because I am a local. But I feel that me having found an effective way to learn Korean and translating it to something that local students can understand is valuable. During my Korean classes, there were so many times I felt the teacher was unable to explain something adequately due to the language and cultural barrier. However due to my interest in the language, I eventually found a way to understand and explain things to myself. These methods are what I believe can help me teach those who want to learn from me.

7. I have awesome friends and family
My girls more than 300km away from me. No matter what happens, I know they love me and have my back. Just wished we were a little closer. My family isn't perfect, but its a blessing to have them always. Even when they make me wanna tear out my hair.

In the year ahead, I think I am still looking for the same things. To earn more $$$, to have someone to love, and to keep chasing my dreams of mastering the Korean language and perhaps move to another country... I really hope the year ahead will keep changing for the better...

난 네한테 뭐니?

What am I to you?

I'm supposed to be focusing on work starting today, and yet here I am focusing on this sudden feeling of sadness. I went to bed tired and feeling I had somewhat accomplished something this weekend. When I woke up this morning, I felt fine. But all of the sudden, I'm reminded of the farewell yesterday. I will probably need time to get over this feeling of loss. In a way, he's still so near me. It would only be a bus ride if I wanted to see him once more before he went too far for me to reach him, and I would then have to wait till next year. Meeting him again reminded me of what can never be, at the same time, it still gave me hope because I know in some way, I still felt the same about him. But I guess this is how anyone would feel about a person who has never hurt them. You have no reason to hate them, to give up on them... you just keep waiting for that opportunity for things to begin. But deep inside, I know that it would probably always be this way. It's like ahead of me, I could see perfect weather, but dark clouds were always lurking around.

What of the other one... the one who confused me the most. At least I knew where I stood with... I think it's time to code name people... let's call the first one Jae, and the 2nd one Brian. So... at least I knew where I stood with Jae. He has a way of reminding me that we may never progress further than this, but at the same time, he makes me feel that he cares for me as a friend, as a person. Whereas Brian, at this point all I know of our relationship is from speculation. Officially, we are friends. Nothing more. But the vibes he's been giving recently is just plain confusing, and everyone I know has translated it into jealousy. He has always been nice and we're also unusually close when we meet and talk. But somehow, talking to him has always been somewhat more fun than with Jae. Cos maybe while me and Jae do have our jokes and all, it never feels childish. With Brian, its very often cute, and fun. I don't know how much he cares about me cos I've only seen that attentive side whenever we meet face to face.

Hot and cold... hot and cold... I hate this feeling. I hate being unsure of where I stand in people's lives. Even friends. Am I a good friend? Am I just someone you talk to out of politeness? Pick a role. Put me in a box, classify me, categorize me, label me... I just hate being nondescript...

My life is a K-Drama...

Would anyone like a cameo role in it?

At this point, it feels like it never happened. But the remnants of him having been in my personal space are reminding me that yes… it happened, he came to Singapore!

A little less than 27 hours; that’s all the time we had from yesterday till today. I used every ounce of energy I had from yesterday till today to cover as much of ‘Singapore’ as we could. By the end of today, I was totally drained, but happy. However, as the hours and minutes ticked closer to 6pm, and the realisation that he was about to leave and I wasn’t going to see him again for a long, long time hit me, I started to get a bit emo.

I’m beginning to think that the reason he bought me Merryan (my new stuffed porcupine) was because he was trying to cheer me up. But I’m still touched that he bought me a present. I will definitely make the time to go to MBS to get him that chip I promised him before I go to Seoul next May! ^_^

Anyway, we said our farewell, and we hugged. He’d already told me not to cry earlier when he realised I was starting to get moody. I waved at him as he got on the bus, when he got to his seat and flashed me thumbs up, probably telling me the bus was alright. Then I finally turned to walk away. The tears prickled my eyes as I did, and I turned back again to look at him. He was checked his phone as he sat down, so I turned around and continued walking. More tears. I went to the toilet, and cried. Calmed down, then went to sit outside Vivocity, facing the sea, and cried some more. More tears on the bus ride home, but by the time I got to my door, the tears had stopped.

I realised I no longer had this stoned lodged in my chest when I thought of him. Was that a “break up” crying session? I had that feeling that I was waiting for something from him. Somehow I know that whenever he appeared in front of me, I would always treat him with adoration, but when he was out of sight, it was slowly becoming easy to put him out of mind too; until I had to face him again. In short, I will always be sad that if I ever lose the relationship I have with him. The closeness we share is really something out of the ordinary. But I suppose perhaps one day, I will come to terms with it.

Meanwhile… what should I do with you? You’re confusing me more than ever. What do you want from me? If you don’t tell me soon, I may have to start putting you out of my mind too, cos right now, I care too much about how you feel and what you’re thinking… >_<

I can't feel a thing~

Today's keyword is "numb". I'm starting to feel numb from these onslaughts of emotions. I'm getting sick of crying because I'm frustrated with my mind; how it wonders and thinks and imagines and wishes... all for nothing. Maybe I am quick to judge. Sometimes I get proven wrong within the next hour. But one thing's for sure... I have definitely been put on probation!

Seriously... here I am, worrying about how you feel about the whole situation. When actually, I doubt you actually feel anything. Yea... you have a lot going on for you, and I am nobody that you need to make any commitments to. I get it... I see it... I'm clear on that now. I want to cut you out of my mind like I did to him. But I know that you're gonna pop up again, just like he did, and you're gonna screw up every little piece of my brain that I had meticulously defragmented while you were put out of the picture.

What am I doing to myself? I really want to give up on thoughts. I wish I had enough shit to shovel at work so that I didn't have to think about my non-existent personal life. And I know for sure that if I stay at in this shithole, I will end up like my colleagues. Sad... but true... mean... but true... I am definitely moving out. Give me 1 more year...

I missed those days when I just came home, wiped out, and slept till morning. Then wake up the next day and just do the same. No complaints, no feelings... NO FEELINGS!!! STOP FEELING! From the day that I learnt to love... feelings only hurt me. They hurt me more than they ever did me good. From the day that I learnt to care about people... people I love, mere acquaintances and friends, all I felt in the end was hurt. People tend to take advantage of me… except for my best friends and my family. The rest of the world... fuck you!

Clean me out...

I think, the only way I can describe this feeling is 'hollow'... I feel like my insides have been carved out, leaving this vacant space within me. No matter what I do, I can't seem to fill it. Nothing makes me feel whole again. On some occasions long ago, there were people who could fill them, but these people took more out of me than they gave, so the end result was the same.

I know that I have to fill the void on my own, with things that make me feel warm, happy and worthy, but at this point, these things hardly exist in my life. So the cycle repeats itself. Again I search for other who may distract me from the emptiness I feel. Mind you that I know the difference now. No one can complete me... they can only distract me from feeling incomplete. Sooner or later, it may still fall apart because I can't solve my own issues. But even in that event, I should stop blaming myself for it. Instead, have I ever wondered why they didn't stick by me and loved me for being less than complete. Other than family, there was only one person who ever did that for me. But I was never fair to him, so I had to leave.

I used to think money would be enough. Then again, since I still didn't have enough money, I wouldn't know if it would indeed make me feel happy. But to be able to buy all the things I desire, and not have anyone to share it with, seems pretty pointless. These things only hold my attention for a short while... then I'm looking for something new again... Meaningless.

Writing all this down now doesn't even help me feel less troubled. I just want to find something... but I don't know what it is... Love? Recognition? Riches? I still don't know... Maybe everything did equate to love... because most of the time, whatever we did was because we felt less important to the rest of the world, so it's our only way of finding more love, adoration, or just trying to boost our frail egos. Love... maybe I should just forget about it.

When the tears are worth every drop...

So I'd just finished watching The Holiday. Could be the 3rd time I've seen it; Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jude Law and the totally odd one out, Jack Black ^_^

What I loved about this movie, from the first time I saw it, was the soundtrack, which is by Hans Zimmer. While I am not a follower of this awesomely talented person, I happen to adore this soundtrack. I remember the days when I wrote my fictions just listening to this soundtrack, letting the words flow as the music evoked emotions.

I enjoyed the entire movie today, and cried along with it. This would be one of those occasions where I would say the tears were worth every drop :) It was a great story about love and relationship, and the music just made you feel what the characters were feeling.

I found myself relating to Kate Winslet's character, Iris. Although I don't think I have gone through as much as she did, but yea... the despair she felt in that horrible 'association' with a man who didn't love her but had no qualms of using her for his convenience felt rather familiar.

The Amanda and Graham couple, Cameron Diaz and Jude Law, were so so cute... and you would definitely wish you had an encounter like theirs; sweet, warm and fuzzy and totally sexy! :) But then there were times I was reminded by Jude Law's nanny scandal.... LOL! And at the climax when Amanda finally cried, after not crying for 15 years, my aunt had to comment that she didn't think Cameron Diaz was actually pretty. LOL! I was so into the mood and my face was scrunched up, crying along... tsk...

Anyway, Amanda & Graham's story was a little reminiscent of a holiday romance I went through, though I felt it in my case it was pretty one-sided. Nothing ever happened between us, unless you think a hug counted for something, and all I do is think of the guy from afar. That's that ^_^ But yea... memories do count for something. Remembering the times when you felt that love was possibly blooming... those are the more exciting moments to look forward to. Once the bloom is over, the flower fades, you're back to square one... what would you do then? I'll just stick to the bloom :D and end it there... for now ^_^

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_holiday

Read it only if you don't mind spoilers. Otherwise, get the movie on DVD and have a good sob with it. Some of them are really happy tears :) I think I may buy it and watch it every year-end :D

Another (bad) habit?

I think it would be unfair to just pass it off as my habit... I get sick of a job within 1 year?

What I'm about to say, I think that people are just gonna say "Who doesn't go through that?", but it's still a real condition. Perhaps I am not like every person I know, and have the tenacity to put up with a job that doesn't seem to be fulfilling them. But rather than write myself off as having a lack of will power, staying power, fighting spirit, I prefer to think that perhaps I am just not assigned tasks that suit my strength.

Granted everyone can't be just doing something they are good at. Sometimes you're assigned something you're not particularly good at too, and you just brave it like you should because you get paid at the end of each month. I do that too, but I wish I was given more tasks are are up my alley as well. Something worthwhile, where I can really contribute. Sadly, there is no such role at the moment. Each day that I spend being an insignificant member on my team is taking a toll on my spirit.

Sometimes I wish I didn't need to work simply because I don't like the people I have to deal with. On other days,I wish I was passionate about what I do. I wish that I had a sense of fulfillment from what I did each day during my 8.5 hours in this concrete building. There are those days where I work past my 8.5 hours with a solid purpose,and it made me feel purposeful. I've known always that I am totally capable of being a workaholic. I just need to be given a mission. Why won't someone give me a mission?

The attitude in the workplace is such that people just try to complete what is on their plate, and that's that. Anyone who ventures out to continue filling their plate would be seen as abnormal. Doing so would also invite trouble, or what people would usually say "picking up shit". I'll admit I could be more proactive and try much harder to master what I do now, it's like... even if I read all the scriptures in the library, it's not gonna turn me into a Buddha. In the end, it's all up to fate, luck and opportunity.

For now, my goal is to complete the year, then maybe consider my next step. To stay on would mean having to speak to my boss to redefine my purpose on this team. But to leave would be too soon as I would still be seen as too 'green' to go anywhere. While people wish to stop living like nomads, I'd say I want to stop working like a nomad. Will I ever find something I truly love that makes me contented.

Breaking the Habit~

It's been a really long time since I listened to Linkin Park. Tonight, somehow all the lyrics started making sense to me. They're all about whatever I am doing to myself right now, what I want to change in myself from now on.

Let's start with Breaking the Habit. I remembered this song from long ago. Back then I was able to relate, but it's definitely reminded me tonight. "I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean." I do this so often. I can never play the waiting game in whatever situation and because of my impatience, I pay dearly.

In The End is about the things I do for people that end up not being worth it. "I try so hard and got so far, in the end it doesn't even matter." Sometimes sincerity and honesty just isn't enough for people. They are too wrapped up in their wants and personal goals that you're not gonna get through to them. And I still never learn~ you can't move a rock to tears~

Here's a call for me to let everything go and move on towards what I really want. From The Inside just screams for me to let it all out and go in the direction I want to and to stop wasting my feelings on people who don't want it. "Trying not to break, but I'm so tired of this deceit, every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet, All i ever think about is this all the tiring time between and how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me~ Take everything from the inside and throw it all away cos I swear for the last time, I won't trust myself with you~ I won't waste myself on you." This has to do with life, and with work. Time and time I have come face to face with people who are just out to secure their own positions, and they would be nice to you only when it suited them. I don't wanna admit it, but I am naive, and I am so trustful. Because of this, people hurt me so often, and I even care enough to get hung up on it.

Finally, Somewhere I Belong. I really feel I belong somewhere else right now, but I'm still here. I cannot imagine that I have let myself just sit here all these years, when all I wanted to do was to move to Korea. I think it's time I seriously plan towards my goal~ "I will never know myself until I do this on my own, and I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed, I will never be anything till I break away from me, I will break away. I'll find myself today." I need to stop thinking that I am 'not allowed' to chase this dream and start working towards it! I MUST! I let people's opinions lead me to my actions or affect me. I need to really listen to my heart and mind from now on.

In short, I keep putting myself in heartache for anyone in my life, whether significant or insignificant. The significant ones hurt me more, but the insignificant ones can hurt me still. It's so tiring. I wish I were a real bitch sometimes, and I say this a lot. I really do wish I was a nasty bitch who didn't care, then I'd live life exactly the way I want to and be contented about it.

Odd...

Feeling odd today. I started my morning fine. I got the morning bit right. Ate breakfast on the way to bus stop so that I’ll feel comfortable by the time I got on the bus. Managed to get a decent nap on the way to the office, and started my day at the office on a comfortable note. By lunch time I was feeling crappy… lunch was alright, yet another treat from a colleague… but when I got back to office the feeling started again.

At some point, I started to feel a rush of all the emotions and depression I’ve had in the past year. It could be that blank text message I got this morning. After 6 months and he’s still at it… or it could be the text messages I got few days ago, which just feels foreign and surreal. Both are pasts that I wish I can move on from… especially when none of them promises me any happiness. I don’t know why the fuck would I even be thinking of these things now. Maybe I’m just tired from having to adjust to the new sleeping and waking hours. I call it my ‘new time zone’; even said that to my boss.

I kinda regret staying on at my last job for so long and not taking my break. But nothing can compensate for the money I will get from the extra days. Hopefully CNY will be a good break. That… and this coming weekend. I think I really need to practice some discipline and go to bed at 11pm sharp each night.

I remember the days where I just hopped out of bed when the alarm rang. I think the past few months have taken their toll on me and I am suffering as a result from the spillover of stress, coupled with the stress of delivering at my new job. Sure… there are no longer sales targets to meet, but already I have been given some tasks that I must try to achieve by the end of February. I hope to at least achieve that expectation my boss has set, better yet if I can exceed it, because that’s what I think he expects. Once again I have given people the impression that they can sort of expect magic from me… the wonderful things I manage to say during interviews.

Maybe I just need to exercise more… will do that once my schedule stabilizes. My sister thinks that I just need to have some mindless sexy time. WTF…

I have no more room to wonder in life... it's do or die now... and I refuse to die anymore :(

Leessang: He who sings the truths...

I'm gonna take a break from whining about my pathetic life and blog about a duo who achieved fame by singing about those familiar dark moments.

The name of this duo is Leessang. I have only known 2 songs by them, and I realised that they have a pattern. First and foremost, I'd like you to listen to these 2 songs:

Ballerino


The Girl Who Can't Break Up, The Boy Who Can't Leave


Each song has a focal point, which is of course the chorus. The chorus usually sings the main message of the song and this part is usually done by a female singer with whom they will collaborate for the song. Leessang will sing and rap the other bits, which usually makes up the elaborations of the main message of the song, describing all the nitty-gritty details, describing plainly the situations in relationships that we all know so well. If you pay attention to the songs, you will find at some point, you have been in this situation. This is why I find their songs to be extremely forward and truthful. These are reasons why I truly appreciate their songs, even though I only know 2 of them at the moment.

On top of the songs, there are the extremely poignant MVs, where they try to artistically bring the lyrics to life. I find that they like the tableu kind of presentation. It always seems staged; with masks, costumes and makeup. The MV for 'Ballerino' was kinda creepy, but I think it very accurately conveyed the desperation of a man. The MV for 'The Girl Who Can't Break Up, The Boy Who Can't Leave' accurately shows you the phases of a relationship; how it began light and happy and how chasing dreams has changed a couple.

'The Girl Who Can't Break Up, The Boy Who Can't Leave' is one of my favourite songs, simply for the title alone. I think it accurately describes how people cannot give up their relationships with certain people, no matter how hopeless it seems. Being afraid to break up for the fear of being alone. Being afraid to leave for the fact you feel responsible and tied to a person, or simply because you feel you've put too much effort into something. These are all facts of life.

I hope you enjoyed my quick review of Leessang... haha! :D Most importantly, enjoy the music :)