That's what I feel like... having to go back to work tomorrow. I spent my day... my birthday to be exact, moping and lots of crying. Going back to work tomorrow is akin to walking into the fires of hell voluntarily.
My boss obviously thinks that I'm on MC today because it's my birthday. He's decided that I'm shirking my duties and not wanting to do anything. Since he feels that way, damn right I am!!! There has never been a day of sick leave that I did not check my emails. I shall start from now... I shall not give a shit about any emails from now on when I'm on sick leave. These people are so not worth my time!!!
Tomorrow I am going to work and confirming that I am leaving for good at the end of the month :P
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Ahmm... still no result...
:( Went for the interview with the GM today. I think I did ok and left the right impressions. But there was no immediate decision made. I guess it will be a 1-2 week wait :( Hope they will call me soon...
My boss... =.= I dunno what he is up to now... 'nuff said... :P I'm on MC tomorrow cos I need to take drowsy medication. At least I'll be able to rest on my birthday...
My boss... =.= I dunno what he is up to now... 'nuff said... :P I'm on MC tomorrow cos I need to take drowsy medication. At least I'll be able to rest on my birthday...
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Day 30
Today should be the last day. I would say rather than to expect for an answer, it should be a day where I decide what I want and simple act upon it with conviction. I lack conviction :P
The first dumb thing I did this morning was to take a cab to work when my uncle's car was sitting outside the house and he didn't have work... I should have taken the car to work since there was loads of parking space on Saturdays. DAMMIT!
I'd say while my Malay isn't superb, I managed to help get points across :) But my CEO being a person who just loves talking, made some big boo-boos while talking to the potential customer from Malaysia :P One of our biggest shareholders was there and if he wasn't, no one would've stopped my CEO from saying those stuff. I think my CEO has some bad habits. Yes he can charm the socks off most people, but he definitely hits a wall when there is a language barrier. The whole time I found the way he was trying to be 'linguistically relatable' to be a bit condescending to the customer. He then started talking about some shit that really didn't need to be pointed out so early in the deal. He really needs to learn when it means too much talking.
I think the customers liked me though. Haha! I suppose it's always nice to have someone speaking your language. My presence was definitely not a waste of effort, but a total waste of time since I have no intention of staying anymore. After the meeting my CEO was telling me I shouldn't quit, yet again... Again bringing up the fact that I have no job prospects, bla... bla... bla... I think he really treats me like a dumb foreigner sometimes. I loathe that for a moment, few days ago, I acted like one by believing him :P Other than my boss, my CEO is the other person that reminds me why I shouldn't stay. He's promising to change my job function and all, but I don't think he realises that I may be someone whom the company will always not see 100% results all the time, cos I deal better with ad-hoc situations.
I believe there is always someone in the company that serves for special functions or customers, and I am such a person. It's sad that he took so long to recognise that I was good at building relationships with customers. But he will always assume I'm lazy... so I think there can never be a balance in ultimate opinion. He will never trust me, even though he knows I am willing to contribute extra bits, like what I did for the Malaysian customers.
My big interview is on Monday! I really hope I impress the GM and we come to a deal. Next step will be the EP. I'm a bit worried about renewing it, but people have been telling me that it will be fine, especially now I may be joining a big company. Hope so...
Today is the last day of the daily posts. I aim to post each day, but if I do miss a day or 2, I think it's fine :)
I'm listening to Tim Hwang again. Just found out his new album is out. I miss his style... :)
I think I've really decided to get on with my life. Whatever that has happened in the past 7-8 months, I'm about to let them just be that phase in my life. I just wanna proceed with what I have left and hope that I can grow from it. There is no point in hoping for things to always stay the way they are... I think I love stability too much and I enjoy being in my comfort zone, but I acknowledge that I am a person who likes things to be fresh too. I think that's one reason why I left all those jobs... and all those men :P
Familiar things are all nice to have. They keep you happy knowing that there is something constant and available. But when you get too dependent, it becomes like a drug. Often enough, I let things become drugs to me, and that's when I get in trouble. I start to torture myself by craving for it and getting upset when I don't get it. But I think those days are long gone now. I know when to enjoy what I have when it's right in front of me. I can miss it when it's not, but I won't feel torture because of it. I'm getting there, though not quite yet. But after Day 30, I think I'm gonna be alright :)
Looking forward to an upward climb :) A new life could be starting for me any day now... I hope to make the best of it. I thank all the people who have been kind and generous to be in this time. These people remind me that even when there are some evil fuckers in this world, there will always be people who care for me :)
The first dumb thing I did this morning was to take a cab to work when my uncle's car was sitting outside the house and he didn't have work... I should have taken the car to work since there was loads of parking space on Saturdays. DAMMIT!
I'd say while my Malay isn't superb, I managed to help get points across :) But my CEO being a person who just loves talking, made some big boo-boos while talking to the potential customer from Malaysia :P One of our biggest shareholders was there and if he wasn't, no one would've stopped my CEO from saying those stuff. I think my CEO has some bad habits. Yes he can charm the socks off most people, but he definitely hits a wall when there is a language barrier. The whole time I found the way he was trying to be 'linguistically relatable' to be a bit condescending to the customer. He then started talking about some shit that really didn't need to be pointed out so early in the deal. He really needs to learn when it means too much talking.
I think the customers liked me though. Haha! I suppose it's always nice to have someone speaking your language. My presence was definitely not a waste of effort, but a total waste of time since I have no intention of staying anymore. After the meeting my CEO was telling me I shouldn't quit, yet again... Again bringing up the fact that I have no job prospects, bla... bla... bla... I think he really treats me like a dumb foreigner sometimes. I loathe that for a moment, few days ago, I acted like one by believing him :P Other than my boss, my CEO is the other person that reminds me why I shouldn't stay. He's promising to change my job function and all, but I don't think he realises that I may be someone whom the company will always not see 100% results all the time, cos I deal better with ad-hoc situations.
I believe there is always someone in the company that serves for special functions or customers, and I am such a person. It's sad that he took so long to recognise that I was good at building relationships with customers. But he will always assume I'm lazy... so I think there can never be a balance in ultimate opinion. He will never trust me, even though he knows I am willing to contribute extra bits, like what I did for the Malaysian customers.
My big interview is on Monday! I really hope I impress the GM and we come to a deal. Next step will be the EP. I'm a bit worried about renewing it, but people have been telling me that it will be fine, especially now I may be joining a big company. Hope so...
Today is the last day of the daily posts. I aim to post each day, but if I do miss a day or 2, I think it's fine :)
I'm listening to Tim Hwang again. Just found out his new album is out. I miss his style... :)
I think I've really decided to get on with my life. Whatever that has happened in the past 7-8 months, I'm about to let them just be that phase in my life. I just wanna proceed with what I have left and hope that I can grow from it. There is no point in hoping for things to always stay the way they are... I think I love stability too much and I enjoy being in my comfort zone, but I acknowledge that I am a person who likes things to be fresh too. I think that's one reason why I left all those jobs... and all those men :P
Familiar things are all nice to have. They keep you happy knowing that there is something constant and available. But when you get too dependent, it becomes like a drug. Often enough, I let things become drugs to me, and that's when I get in trouble. I start to torture myself by craving for it and getting upset when I don't get it. But I think those days are long gone now. I know when to enjoy what I have when it's right in front of me. I can miss it when it's not, but I won't feel torture because of it. I'm getting there, though not quite yet. But after Day 30, I think I'm gonna be alright :)
Looking forward to an upward climb :) A new life could be starting for me any day now... I hope to make the best of it. I thank all the people who have been kind and generous to be in this time. These people remind me that even when there are some evil fuckers in this world, there will always be people who care for me :)
Day 29
First of all... I wanna say GRRRRRR to a missing Day 29 :P
I think my boss & CEO are starting to see my value. It's clear that my boss knows shit about the project. He knows enough but he's rather out of touch with process and procedures. I realised now that I am not too in it, I can step back and help them solve the problems objectively. Maybe he doesn't like that it looks like I'm running things and making him work. In reality I'm still doing all the admin shit. He really needs to start taking the reigns. I think it's not right for him to still wait for me to liaise with the customer. I think he needs to start moving his arse.
I agreed to go to work on Saturday to help me CEO. Apparently I have been requested to attend a meeting/demo to a Malaysian customer as an interpreter. My Malay isn't all that wonderful but since I've met some of these potenrial customers before, one of our company's biggest investor, who will be bringing them, has requested that I be there ^_^ Nyaha! But to be honest... I'd rather stay home and sleep :P
I think my boss & CEO are starting to see my value. It's clear that my boss knows shit about the project. He knows enough but he's rather out of touch with process and procedures. I realised now that I am not too in it, I can step back and help them solve the problems objectively. Maybe he doesn't like that it looks like I'm running things and making him work. In reality I'm still doing all the admin shit. He really needs to start taking the reigns. I think it's not right for him to still wait for me to liaise with the customer. I think he needs to start moving his arse.
I agreed to go to work on Saturday to help me CEO. Apparently I have been requested to attend a meeting/demo to a Malaysian customer as an interpreter. My Malay isn't all that wonderful but since I've met some of these potenrial customers before, one of our company's biggest investor, who will be bringing them, has requested that I be there ^_^ Nyaha! But to be honest... I'd rather stay home and sleep :P
Friday, December 10, 2010
Day 27 & 28
Came back really late last night, didn't manage to update. 2 more days to go... did I miss a day?
I think my interview went quite well yesterday, and yet there is that niggling doubt that they may not hire me. I hope I am wrong to doubt myself. I hope they felt I was the right person to hire. I am definitely daunted by the skills this job requires, but in someway, I think I am prepared and it will be fun to learn some programming again :)
I got a call back today... less than 24 hours! :) I must have done something right yesterday. I meet the GM on Monday. Friends tell me it's probably to discuss the pay package already, so it looks like I'm almost there. Hope so. The benefits are miles better than what I get now, even if the pay is just a bit more. At least I don't need to worry about my health and stuff. And I don't need to feel like I can't take a single day off work or the operations will fail. I will actually be working with a adequately staffed team now :D
I will definitely miss being able to get up at 8am for work T_T
Another positive note! I received my certification in Korean Elementary Level 1 today! ^_^ The test was quite taxing, but guess what? I scored full marks! Not just that... I completed the course at the top of the entire level with a total score of 99%. I think my teacher was really proud of me. I'm glad I made her happy. I'm so happy too!!! To think I didn't think that I had it in me to do well. I hope I can maintain this standard for the next level. Will also be needing the new job otherwise I won't be able to pay for the next level... :P
Happy happy night! :) Hope for more happy nights to come!
I think my interview went quite well yesterday, and yet there is that niggling doubt that they may not hire me. I hope I am wrong to doubt myself. I hope they felt I was the right person to hire. I am definitely daunted by the skills this job requires, but in someway, I think I am prepared and it will be fun to learn some programming again :)
I got a call back today... less than 24 hours! :) I must have done something right yesterday. I meet the GM on Monday. Friends tell me it's probably to discuss the pay package already, so it looks like I'm almost there. Hope so. The benefits are miles better than what I get now, even if the pay is just a bit more. At least I don't need to worry about my health and stuff. And I don't need to feel like I can't take a single day off work or the operations will fail. I will actually be working with a adequately staffed team now :D
I will definitely miss being able to get up at 8am for work T_T
Another positive note! I received my certification in Korean Elementary Level 1 today! ^_^ The test was quite taxing, but guess what? I scored full marks! Not just that... I completed the course at the top of the entire level with a total score of 99%. I think my teacher was really proud of me. I'm glad I made her happy. I'm so happy too!!! To think I didn't think that I had it in me to do well. I hope I can maintain this standard for the next level. Will also be needing the new job otherwise I won't be able to pay for the next level... :P
Happy happy night! :) Hope for more happy nights to come!
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Day 26
Finally finished my Korean test! I don't think I got full marks, but I think I did well enough :)
Well... my boss asked me to stay. He thinks that I am only leaving because I feel the company is biased against me. The truth is that I refuse to do the shit job for this shit project any longer.
"This is not a shit project," he said.
Yes... this project has brought company lots of new prospects. Million dollar prospects. But it still doesn't change the fact that its a project that requires an experienced Project Manager and an army of drones to get all the menial tasks done. They should just hire more drones, but they refuse to increase the number of mouths to feed. They refuse to hire a proper Project Manager since they still have a few of those within the company to work till they curl up and die :P
So... I refuse to be the scapegoat, the slave, the dumbass who will give up my life to them because of a few nice and encouraging words... No fucking way!!! :P I'm still gonna CONFIRM my resignation on Monday :P
Well... my boss asked me to stay. He thinks that I am only leaving because I feel the company is biased against me. The truth is that I refuse to do the shit job for this shit project any longer.
"This is not a shit project," he said.
Yes... this project has brought company lots of new prospects. Million dollar prospects. But it still doesn't change the fact that its a project that requires an experienced Project Manager and an army of drones to get all the menial tasks done. They should just hire more drones, but they refuse to increase the number of mouths to feed. They refuse to hire a proper Project Manager since they still have a few of those within the company to work till they curl up and die :P
So... I refuse to be the scapegoat, the slave, the dumbass who will give up my life to them because of a few nice and encouraging words... No fucking way!!! :P I'm still gonna CONFIRM my resignation on Monday :P
Monday, December 06, 2010
Sunday, December 05, 2010
Day 24
6 more days to go before I stop my daily mandatory posts...
I was tired this morning, but I had to go get my hair fixed. I'm damn happy that I did. I feel like myself again. The moment the stylist, Jack, finished cutting and blowing my hair, my first thought was "Yes! That's it!" I saw myself in the mirror again. The hairstyle I've always loved :) I was a bit sceptical about the color job when my hair was still wet, but after it was dried... magical :) I wish I could always afford to go to Toni & Guys for my cut and color, but I think there will be times that I have to go somewhere cheaper :(
I guess my sister is concerned, but sometimes I wish she wouldn't pry. When I tell her something, she doesn't need to haul a load of other info from me. I'm not ready to talk about it to my family yet. Cos I really dunno what is going on. I think this is what I hate about the situation I am in now. I wish I had a firm decision in my mind. The thought is more or less there, but somehow fragments are still chucked here and there in the recesses of my brain... ready to be reactivated any time.
I just wanna survive my job now... and I think I do need to get another job, but I'd much rather start a new job abroad now than stay here. I seriously wanna go somewhere new and feel out of place for awhile... so that I can find new balance and a new life. I think I like the feeling of renewal. Brand new clothes, brand new bag, brand new haircut, brand new job... brand new life. There is nothing more exciting than finding something new. I think that goes without saying with love also.
I guess some people get bored because they no longer feel excitement in their relationship, and if they happen to meet someone new, the excitement and thrill of new feelings from a new relationship is what prompts them to become greedy and to want a change from the old. I've been there before. I know well enough now that it is just a temporary feeling. Just like the rush you get from buying a new dress or bag; when you swipe your credit card, you feel elated, but when you get home, the feeling has waned. Maybe it will come back a little the first time you put on that new dress, but after that, it's just another dress.
I think I felt like I had the rug pulled out from under me because I was just learning to appreciate what I had and to value what was in front of me. Apparently how I feel doesn't matter... it matters how the other person feels too. I read today that 80 something percent of women fantasize about other men while they were having sex... I shall be very honest and say I have never done that... in any relationship... even when the other person was a rather unimaginative lover... LOL... I'm loyal. When I get into a relationship with anyone, I am loyal to a fault... until the day I decide I don't need to be anymore. Sadly... I still feel loyal at this moment. Wonder if it will change someday...
Maybe I am just too fixated on the things that are out of my reach... like Seoul... a life in Seoul.
I really wanna go on to Elementary Level 2 of my Korean lessons. Hope I can afford it... I can once I get a new job :)
I was tired this morning, but I had to go get my hair fixed. I'm damn happy that I did. I feel like myself again. The moment the stylist, Jack, finished cutting and blowing my hair, my first thought was "Yes! That's it!" I saw myself in the mirror again. The hairstyle I've always loved :) I was a bit sceptical about the color job when my hair was still wet, but after it was dried... magical :) I wish I could always afford to go to Toni & Guys for my cut and color, but I think there will be times that I have to go somewhere cheaper :(
I guess my sister is concerned, but sometimes I wish she wouldn't pry. When I tell her something, she doesn't need to haul a load of other info from me. I'm not ready to talk about it to my family yet. Cos I really dunno what is going on. I think this is what I hate about the situation I am in now. I wish I had a firm decision in my mind. The thought is more or less there, but somehow fragments are still chucked here and there in the recesses of my brain... ready to be reactivated any time.
I just wanna survive my job now... and I think I do need to get another job, but I'd much rather start a new job abroad now than stay here. I seriously wanna go somewhere new and feel out of place for awhile... so that I can find new balance and a new life. I think I like the feeling of renewal. Brand new clothes, brand new bag, brand new haircut, brand new job... brand new life. There is nothing more exciting than finding something new. I think that goes without saying with love also.
I guess some people get bored because they no longer feel excitement in their relationship, and if they happen to meet someone new, the excitement and thrill of new feelings from a new relationship is what prompts them to become greedy and to want a change from the old. I've been there before. I know well enough now that it is just a temporary feeling. Just like the rush you get from buying a new dress or bag; when you swipe your credit card, you feel elated, but when you get home, the feeling has waned. Maybe it will come back a little the first time you put on that new dress, but after that, it's just another dress.
I think I felt like I had the rug pulled out from under me because I was just learning to appreciate what I had and to value what was in front of me. Apparently how I feel doesn't matter... it matters how the other person feels too. I read today that 80 something percent of women fantasize about other men while they were having sex... I shall be very honest and say I have never done that... in any relationship... even when the other person was a rather unimaginative lover... LOL... I'm loyal. When I get into a relationship with anyone, I am loyal to a fault... until the day I decide I don't need to be anymore. Sadly... I still feel loyal at this moment. Wonder if it will change someday...
Maybe I am just too fixated on the things that are out of my reach... like Seoul... a life in Seoul.
I really wanna go on to Elementary Level 2 of my Korean lessons. Hope I can afford it... I can once I get a new job :)
Saturday, December 04, 2010
Day 23
10 more days to officially being 27 years old... what have I achieved in 27 years.
I've just finished working on something for my boss. Yes I did procrastinate a little. I watched a bit of TV to rest my brain. But I knew had I jumped into it after dinner, I wouldn't finish earlier either. The nature of me is that I would work at it to perfect it in whatever time I had left. So... I can still say I did my best.
My uncle asked me to just stay on until they terminate me. Isn't that gonna give me a bad record? :( I think I will stick to the plan of finding my backup plan.
I still have a bit of work to do over the weekend... hope I still find time to rest my mind... :P I've been feeling tortured everyday when I think of going to work...
I've just finished working on something for my boss. Yes I did procrastinate a little. I watched a bit of TV to rest my brain. But I knew had I jumped into it after dinner, I wouldn't finish earlier either. The nature of me is that I would work at it to perfect it in whatever time I had left. So... I can still say I did my best.
My uncle asked me to just stay on until they terminate me. Isn't that gonna give me a bad record? :( I think I will stick to the plan of finding my backup plan.
I still have a bit of work to do over the weekend... hope I still find time to rest my mind... :P I've been feeling tortured everyday when I think of going to work...
Friday, December 03, 2010
Day 22
Today is no tears day... I was a little cheated today thinking that the day would just be calm... it ended with a lot of frustration.
My customer is still out to use every little mistake I make to blow up and aim a machine gun at my company. My company is deluded enough to believe that it's really because I'm a crap employee. It's alright. You can all suck up the shit you created once I'm gone.
I'm having a massive headache now. I missed a dateline today... dunno what my boss will tell me tomorrow. I'm being squeezed left and right. What should I do? I still think it's too early to resign, but I really do wanna throw in the towel already. The small moment of calm today made me actually feel it's okay to stay on. But I was quickly reminded why I can't.
It's seriously like a bad relationship. You get ill-treated, abused, and you know the other party isn't good for you, and yet you stay because you're too afraid to leave and sometimes you feel they still treat you ok. I'm such a sucker. I think I deserve to be in this shit for being such a gutless ninny... But I really need the $$$
T_T
My customer is still out to use every little mistake I make to blow up and aim a machine gun at my company. My company is deluded enough to believe that it's really because I'm a crap employee. It's alright. You can all suck up the shit you created once I'm gone.
I'm having a massive headache now. I missed a dateline today... dunno what my boss will tell me tomorrow. I'm being squeezed left and right. What should I do? I still think it's too early to resign, but I really do wanna throw in the towel already. The small moment of calm today made me actually feel it's okay to stay on. But I was quickly reminded why I can't.
It's seriously like a bad relationship. You get ill-treated, abused, and you know the other party isn't good for you, and yet you stay because you're too afraid to leave and sometimes you feel they still treat you ok. I'm such a sucker. I think I deserve to be in this shit for being such a gutless ninny... But I really need the $$$
T_T
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
Day 21
I don't see why I should bother to blog. It's the same shit everyday... my boss abuses me... I feel lonely... I feel like a piece of crap who can't do a simple job properly.
Looking forward to next week... I hope I ace my Korean test. I really wanna do well and get my cert. And I hope I find a new job soon :P
Looking forward to next week... I hope I ace my Korean test. I really wanna do well and get my cert. And I hope I find a new job soon :P
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