I'm posting because I know some people are waiting for me to explain, but I really don't have the breath to explain to every single person. I may edit this later, because I feel that I might have missed out some stuff or explained some things wrongly. But for now, this is what I have to say.
-------------------------------------------------------
I’ve always hated walking alone… eating alone… doing anything alone. When he came along, I thought that my life was set. As long as I didn’t have to walk alone, eat alone or live a life alone, we’d be fine. But I guess there are some things you need to learn before you can be an adult. I’ve held back all this time, and lived the life I had because I was so afraid. I was afraid of being alone; having no one to go to when I needed love and support. Don’t ask me “What about your family?” The love and support from your family is different. It’s not the same as the love and support coming from a person who loves you. If you think your family would love you unconditionally, wait till you meet someone who loves you more than your family does.
He is such a person. I’ve always felt he loved me more than anyone did, other than my Dad. But it wasn’t just love that was important. It was how he understood what I wanted and needed. It irked me that he never saw the small things I needed, but it touched me whenever he understood the things that mean a lot to me. No relationship is perfect, but maybe mine was almost perfect. So why did I have to leave?
Maybe it’s been too long. I no longer know what I want out of the relationship, other than a person to come home to at night, to care for me when I’m sick, to support me when I needed words of encouragement and a hug, and to hold me when I cry.
I just decided that I need to learn to stand alone. For years, even before I met him, I have been reliant on those who would allow me to rely on them. It took me all this time to decide because I was so afraid of being alone, and didn’t want the hassle of going through a tedious separation. I won’t say break up. We were the closest thing to being married. Leaving each other was as big a production as a divorce. It would’ve been so much easier if we’d just gotten married and just continue with our lives, but I wasn’t contented. I want to change... I want to be a stronger and better person...
Here’s where everyone calls me an ungrateful bitch, and how stupid I am for throwing away the best thing in my life. Who would love me that much? Who would do everything for me like he did? Who would promise to take care of me for life? I’ve thought about all these questions… long before this… back then, I was afraid, but now I’ve decided that I want to live my life. I don’t want to be held back because I’m afraid to move forward, alone. It may sound mostly selfish on my part, but I also hope that by doing this, he can start focusing on his life, and what he wants and needs to do for himself. I don’t want him to keep planning his life around me, and I want my life to stop revolving around him. Of course that’s what you do when you’re a couple, but at this moment, I don’t see a future other than us keep dancing around each other.
Of course I’m still afraid. I’m afraid that I would wake up when I’m in my late 30s and realize that I’m unloved and unwanted. But then I wonder, is that worse than committing to something I might regret 10 years later, and having to live with it for the rest of my life? I’ll take my chance now, when I still have some time left.
I've definitely learnt a great deal from being with him. I’m not walking away with nothing. I know now how it feels to know that you can put your life in someone’s hands. I know how secure it feels to know that this person will love and accept you no matter what you become or look like 30-40 years down the road. I may never be able to do this with another person in the future, but if there is anyone who would be able to do 50% of what he has done for me, it’s already a huge feat.
10 years from now… maybe I’ll end up with him again, maybe I’ll find someone new, maybe I’ll be alone. I just want to grow and mature in this time, and learn to take care of myself. Whoever it is who becomes my partner when that time comes… I think he would be thankful to know that I am a better person than I was, and I would be a worthy partner for him, not just a companion. Hopefully…
No comments:
Post a Comment