I choose LOVE! :)

I was just browsing through FB, and the song that I blogged about the other day, Lee Sora's 'It Stops Now'... I decided, I am a non-believer.

I heard the song, and I just thought about it a bit more, then I started tweeting my thoughts, and it just became clear.

The song is about all the negativity of love, about regret and about pain. I asked myself, 'Why am I addicted to love?', and the answer was quite simple. I treasure the happiness I get from being in love. I would give so much to just feel happy, because all I want is to be happy. I don't really care about the bad times that happened or will come. I focus on the excitement and joy that comes with loving someone and being with them.

Which brought me to the decision that anyone who actually believes love is all pain and trouble would not be the right person for me. Because when I love, I just want us to be happy together all the time. Maybe in doing so, I put so much pressure on myself and the person I love to make things work. But in the end, wouldn't you smile just remembering the great date you had, the way you felt when you held each other's hands, when you hugged, when you kissed, and you just took the time to be next to each other. When you are focused on that happiness, you forget the pains and unhappiness of the last quarrel you had. Cos honestly, who wants to dwell on shit that happened? We'd so much rather move on and chase the next laughter and emotional high.

Yes, we all have some irrational fears... mine is being totally dumped out of the blue... no explanation... and the person disappears out of my life. It haunts me till this day. Those who think I am too trusting, in actual fact, I don't trust anyone, I just keep wanting to, and keep wishing to be able to trust someone, but I always suspect they'd just abandon me someday. So I try so hard, to the point that maybe I smother the person I am with.

It's hard to be a person who operates on totally opposite extremes. I am either totally stuck, or totally indifferent. I wish I could find a middle ground, but I'm still unable to. So for now, the only way I can get rid of my feelings for anything, is to totally let go.

I'm totally biding my time now. Waiting for that switch in my head to just flip, and I'm gone... I'll just leave from then on... and we may never meet again. Just thinking about it makes me sad, but if it comes to that. If I think that I'm going to hurt myself too much in the long run, I will have to cut those ties.

I don't plan to ever clearly lay out my feelings for that person, because I think he knows how I feel, and he's clearly not ready to feel the same way. And maybe... maybe he really just isn't the right person for me. So all I can say is that I hope he will find happiness eventually, and live without regret. I want to start living without regret.

I don't know how much I mean it when I say "I love you..." But I know it always sounds good to hear it, and to say it. For me, these 3 words say so much. To some people, it's a burden to hear it. But for me, when I hear these words, I just feel I have everything I need, because here is a person who loves me... and with love, perhaps everything will be alright. I wish...

What you mean to me...

I know the first day of the new year had just passed, but I still feel like rambling. So here goes...

At this point of time, I still wonder. What do you mean to me? Is your presence so important to me? Can I make it through my coming days without you? Do I still wanna hold your hand? Do I still want to feel your warmth next to me? Do I still want to kiss you? Do I still long for you to hold me in your arms?

So many questions swirling around in my head as I keep peeking at the imaginary knife I have in it's imaginary sheath. Should I cut those strings, cut us loose from each other? Should I continue to hold on to us? Whatever we have now, I suspect I'd be settling if I went for it, and yet, I can't let go. Something keeps telling me it's not time...

My gut is telling me to continue riding this wave... until I find my balance. When I do, it will be a great achievement. If I don't, I really don't know what comes next. But honestly, I feel more comfortable seeing this through than just letting it go.

But for me to succeed, the most basic thing I need to get used to is to not be affected by you. Honestly, I don't see why I should be affected by you. But I am. Your words, your actions, your expressions... I read so much into them... then again, I do that with anyone I know. So in actual fact, it doesn't make you that special. But because you are closer to me now than most people I know, it is able to affect me at a greater magnitude.

The best thing I feel I can do now, from now on, is to smile, and not be bothered by the things that happen between us. I should just be myself. In the meantime, my heart and mind should continue to harden, as I forge a new strength to become a new person. A person who will no longer be affected by anyone ever again.