I hit the bottom yesterday. I wanted to just quit everything here and go home. What will I do when I get home? I thought about it, and felt that I’d very much like to just stay home and accompany my mother day-in, day-out. What will I do for income? I don’t wanna work :P
Yes… it’s very absurd. I know it’s absurd… but this was what my demented mind was egging me on to do yesterday.
“Go home…” the voice whispered. “Go home…”
I called my father and cried for 40 over minutes, trying to get his blessing to follow that voice. Of course he said that I shouldn’t, and if I wanted to… I should only do it maybe 10 years down the road. Then he proceeded to tell me all the hardships he’d been through long ago, and even now. The stories didn’t lift my spirit… but they made me think of the kind of life my father had led and how he had come to where he was today. Life got better for him… and now I hope life will get better for me.
I calmed down by noon yesterday. I realized being able to interact with people made me happier. I need people to talk to. I need to be able to tell them about me. A bit self-centered, I know… but isn’t that how it always is? When you see a friend, you’d want to tell them what has been happening to you, and of course listen to what has been happening to them? I’m going to try harder to find people to talk to… I need more friends :P
Yesterday, I finally got over my phobia of eating mixed rice. I dunno how I got it in the first place, but I was dreading it every time I thought of dinner. I don’t anymore… and neither am I dreading lunch time. I’ll need to work on keeping this mood in check. I’d been dreading all mealtimes since I came back to Singapore because I kept telling myself the food here sucked and I eat the same shit every day :P I’m better now… and I’m reminding myself that I should eat to survive, and not think so much about what I’m eating. It’s not like I’m eating poo… I bought a loaf of bread and I’ll munch whenever I feel hungry. I had 3 slices in a span of 3 hours after lunch yesterday. Am I gonna get fat? :P Hope not… I just lost weight… from 55-56 to 53.5. I should be rejoicing and loving the fact that I’m taking the bus and MRT. It has helped me lose weight :P
Mornings are especially hard for me. I’ll admit that it’s partly laziness which prompts me to use my pain – be it minor or major – to lie an extra minute, or to be tempted not to go to work. I need to work on encouraging myself to just get up and go… I suppose making sure that I have quality sleep will help. I get into bed around 10 these days… and fall asleep by 11. And sometimes… I just can’t bear to leave my sleeping Geof. We have so little time together each day. I miss the days in Melaka where we could go home together, and on weekends… just hang out and laze around. Here… we have laundry to think of… and sometimes I have to get home alone :P No matter… I’m pushing him to accompany me home these days. Or when he’s home… I make him shower early so that we can just lounge around and talk before we go to bed :D
“You’re not imperfect,” my dad told me on the phone yesterday.
I’m not perfect either… I may be just a little less than perfect :P But I suppose my life is almost perfect. I have someone who loves me no matter what I become, no matter what I am, and I know that I am capable… I have the brains to do my job well. Why did I have to worry? I’ve always wanted to be perfect… so maybe I wanted too much. But now I know that I am good enough. I’m going to remind myself each day that I am good at what I do. If people gave me the chance… it would be because they had a least a little faith in me… they know I can do it. Time will tell... I CAN DO IT!!!
I’m planning to take a music production course early next year… and if this is really what I like and what I wanna do… I’m gonna take more courses, work on improving myself… while I continue with my current job. Then maybe by the time I settle down and have kids… I can do my music work freelance, or part time… from home :D My kinda life… :D
If you notice… I’m trying to use a lot of positive words now. I keep emphasizing that I am better, I am happier, I am getting healthier… this is how I motivated myself yesterday and this morning. I repeat these affirmations to myself and I am trying to program them into my brain.
I am happy… I am healthy… I am strong… I am capable…
As long as I keep in the right mindset, I will believe in these and I will move forward. I wrote myself a little mantra / affirmation thingie and pasted it right in front of me at my desk. I’d like to share it with everyone who is reading… in case you ever need to be reminded that you have a good life, just like I do… but you just can’t see it in your moments of darkness. Print it out if you like… change the words so that they will speak more specifically to you. I have amended it a few times... whenever I think of a word that would help me reaffirm the thought better. Share this with people you think will need this to help them through their day, or maybe just to remind them how good their life is. Some of the words you may have seen in many of those forwarded emails with the same purpose… reminding you of your good fortunes… some of the words are my own. Make this your own… and let it motivate you to move forward.
(can't upload it at work... will do it at home. This is the text version.)
SMILE…
SOMEONE IS THINKING ABOUT YOU
LAUGH…
YOU GET HAPPIER EVERY SECOND YOU DO IT
SPEAK…
SO THAT OTHERS WILL GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER
TAKE CARE…
LOVE YOURSELF, CARE FOR YOURSELF… SO THAT YOU WILL KEEP GROWING STRONGER, HEALTHIER AND HAPPIER
LOOK FORWARD…
YOUR LIFE IS GETTING BETTER EACH DAY
MOVE FORWARD...
YOU HAVE FAMILY AND FRIENDS WHO WANT TO SEE YOU SUCCEED
REMEMBER…
YOU HAVE SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU AND BELIEVES IN YOU… NO MATTER WHAT
I’m moving forward now… I’m not going to talk about how difficult the road may be or think about how I’m going to keep doing this each day. I will deal with it as each day comes, and I will remind myself…
Look forward… move forward… your life is getting better… and you have people who love you.
I hope the next time I blog… I will be sane again :D No… I should say… the next time I blog… I will be able to tell you how I became sane again ;)
