Day 17 & 18

I missed one day... came home late yesterday and I was out the whole afternoon. Super tired... and I didn't get much sleep cos I had to share a super single bed with my sister.

Mixed feelings yesterday. Had fun and I really indulged in retail therapy. I spent about $300 on food and shopping. It always feels good to be able to take my sister and cousins out and give them a treat. I wonder until when I will be able to afford this though.

Waiting for the bus after 12am brought back from memories for me. Memories of the times when I did this with someone else. But it doesn't matter now. They're just memories... only alive in my brain but may never materialise again.

Today I went through another series of feelings. Most of it was frustration. Sometimes I wish I were a person who acted upon my frustrations; who did things out of impulse and anger and showed people that my feelings were not to be trifled with. I was about to just finish my chores and get dressed to walk out of my house. I'm not gonna tell anyone where I'm going, or if I'm coming back. While there are people who care about how I'm doing or how I feel, there are people who don't. And those people who don't... I don't know why I bother to care about them.

I have lots of wonderful friends. The problem is that the best friends I have are not by my side. I can't call them up to meet when I'm having a shitty day. I can only wait till they come online so that I can pour my heart out to them and let them soothe my troubled soul. You know who you are... I love you so much girls... you're my rocks :)

As for all the other people... I can only say I've learnt one thing...

Those who are supposed to care by default, they care only out of duty and you can never depend on them when you need them the most.

Those who claim they care, they have no abilty to care for you. There is only so much they can do for you, and it stops where the limit ends.

Those who don't care... there are those odd moments when they actually do, but they end up deciding you're not worth it.

And then there are the strangers... the people you hardly know who take more time to ask you how you feel than anyone who is immediately close to you ever would.

In short... don't expect anyone in this world to care for you. If there are a few of them, like my wonderful friends, appreciate them. The rest of the world only cares about themselves and they don't give a fuck whether you're doing well today or if you're feeling like crap. Their immediate personal needs are much more important than any of your dire needs.

No expectation, no disappointments. I should learn from now on. It would hurt less to stop expecting anything. But if you didn't expect anything... will it be as good as just lying down on the sand in the open desert, waiting for the point that you just move on to the next life... and let the vultures eat your rotting carcass.