Blog; not much...

I've been totally off the radar on blogger. So far the excuse I keep giving myself was that I'm not inspired to write. I have come to realise that it's just bullshit. The reason I stopped blogging was because I was no longer sure of my life. I'm afraid of committing whatever I'm doing into a document and making it set in writing.

I don't know what the hell I have gotten myself into. I think I'm happy. I do feel happy. But somehow... things are not going the right way for me. Or maybe people would tell me, they're just not going the way I want them to go. I try to hard to do things right, and I hope that people see it and acknowledge it and in their final assessment of me, think that I am doing a good job, and perhaps give me the treatment I deserve. In some areas, I have succeeded, in most areas, I have not.

And that one person... the person who has continued to treat me right... it feels right... and yet somehow I realise that I am not doing it right... it all sounds to tangled and confusing. It all sounds so painful and it just makes me want to shut off from the world and keep to myself until I feel sane again... but I still crave that connection. Knowing that somehow it's wrong to keep going this way, I still want that connection... that gratification. But it's wrong of me to feed my greed... It's just creating a bigger cavern in my chest... and it will just grow while I keep trying to feel it. At some point... nothing in this world will ever be enough for me, and I will just disappoint everyone who loves me again. And that includes that person...

I have never been brave, and I don't think I will ever be... but at this point, I just wish that I would at least learn to face the truth the world has set in front of me...