Day 19 & 20

I missed a day not because I was busy having a good one... I was busy with the shittiest day ever. Plus today...

My boss basically let me know I'm an employee with an attitude. Attitude with a capital 'A'. I have apparently been taking advantage of the good wills provided by my company. On top of that, he hinted that I was lazy and unprofessional. It's always great to know that you are a model employee.

Today I think he finally got a taste of what it felt like to be in my shoes with my customers. Yet... rather than defend me, again, I didn't expect him to, he just agreed to most of their demands. Way to make me look incompetent. The customer knows that they need to get past me to make him agree, and he had just possible created more problems for the team and the company by agreeing. I expected him to react in a way that protected the team or company's interest, but he didn't. It doesn't matter though, now that the ball is in his court. Let him solve it. I'm just waiting for the right time to let him know that I can no longer SERVE him and the company. When shall I do so? :( I suck at walking away...

I still need to work tonight... I hate my job... I hate my life... everything seems to have started falling apart since the past month... it's been the hardest month for me, personally and professionally. I'm surprised I'm still standing. I guess I'm made of tougher material than I thought I was. I just wanna survive now. I wish there were people I could lean on, hold their hand or just get a big hug and a shoulder to cry on. No such person now... maybe there will never be again. My bolster is my best friend now...

Day 17 & 18

I missed one day... came home late yesterday and I was out the whole afternoon. Super tired... and I didn't get much sleep cos I had to share a super single bed with my sister.

Mixed feelings yesterday. Had fun and I really indulged in retail therapy. I spent about $300 on food and shopping. It always feels good to be able to take my sister and cousins out and give them a treat. I wonder until when I will be able to afford this though.

Waiting for the bus after 12am brought back from memories for me. Memories of the times when I did this with someone else. But it doesn't matter now. They're just memories... only alive in my brain but may never materialise again.

Today I went through another series of feelings. Most of it was frustration. Sometimes I wish I were a person who acted upon my frustrations; who did things out of impulse and anger and showed people that my feelings were not to be trifled with. I was about to just finish my chores and get dressed to walk out of my house. I'm not gonna tell anyone where I'm going, or if I'm coming back. While there are people who care about how I'm doing or how I feel, there are people who don't. And those people who don't... I don't know why I bother to care about them.

I have lots of wonderful friends. The problem is that the best friends I have are not by my side. I can't call them up to meet when I'm having a shitty day. I can only wait till they come online so that I can pour my heart out to them and let them soothe my troubled soul. You know who you are... I love you so much girls... you're my rocks :)

As for all the other people... I can only say I've learnt one thing...

Those who are supposed to care by default, they care only out of duty and you can never depend on them when you need them the most.

Those who claim they care, they have no abilty to care for you. There is only so much they can do for you, and it stops where the limit ends.

Those who don't care... there are those odd moments when they actually do, but they end up deciding you're not worth it.

And then there are the strangers... the people you hardly know who take more time to ask you how you feel than anyone who is immediately close to you ever would.

In short... don't expect anyone in this world to care for you. If there are a few of them, like my wonderful friends, appreciate them. The rest of the world only cares about themselves and they don't give a fuck whether you're doing well today or if you're feeling like crap. Their immediate personal needs are much more important than any of your dire needs.

No expectation, no disappointments. I should learn from now on. It would hurt less to stop expecting anything. But if you didn't expect anything... will it be as good as just lying down on the sand in the open desert, waiting for the point that you just move on to the next life... and let the vultures eat your rotting carcass.

Day 16

Weird dreams last night... and I didn't get to sleep all the way since my mom decided to set an alarm for 6am on one of those traditional, loud, clanging alarms. FML.

Got beaten up during sales meeting. My boss basically told me that I am not trying and even insulted me in the most subtle ways that you cannot imagine. I was ready to tell him that I am done. He was supposed to speak to me about the shit with the crazy customer yesterday, but he ended up having no time to. Halelujah?

I'm feeling very odd today... many thoughts are running through my head. Do I like routine or should I keep changing up my life? Do I really want the nice, stable and set lives that my friends or peers have just because it looks nice? I dunno. I seriously dunno at this point. All I know is at this point, I cannot afford to have any permanent fixtures in my life, lest I depending on them. I cannot depend on them because if they are ever taken away, just like a pillar being pulled away from a building, parts of my life may come tumbling down and I would have to rebuild it again.

I think for now... I just need to keep moving. I should not stop moving. I need a new job. I think there was a reason I changed jobs once a year, other than the fact that the companies were moving. I can't stand being in the same stagnant environments. I like being new and learning things all over? I like having a fresh start... it's as addictive as a new romance. Life would be so much easier if you could always hit the reboot button, and nothing would be left from the past... even those incriminating files you might have left behind, forgotten, in Recycle Bin.

Day 15

Feeling a bit weird... yea... cannot get used to any routine. Anyway I feel like shit today. Absolute shit. Thanks to my dear customer who'd decided to malign me just because of one mistake I did so that she can cover her mistake. Thank you... I'm officially fucked at work and can consider resigning very very soon.

Came home from Korean class feeling like absolute crap. Class was fun today, but I was reminded of the day's events and tomorrow's shitty day ahead... I was also reminded that I can only depend on myself to get through a shitty day... don't hope to depend on other people :(

My life sucks... 1 of my backup plans is not gonna come in place, so I have to find others... FML...

Day 14

I know I didn't do extremely well for today's product demo to the customer, but I felt I did what I could given the circumstance (as usual); shitty product & last minute request from customer.

Boss gave me a long, long lecture on how to present products and engage customer while driving from Bishan to Bukit Batok. I wonder why he bothers to teach me when he no longer has faith in me? This morning, I was trying to get the software to work, and he didn't seem like he had the time to rehearse with me. It's difficult to drag him over to get to work like I would my colleagues cos he is my boss :P When he finally came, he demanded that I did the entire process from start to finish to make sure nothing went wrong >_< Help... I was so tired at work today... my brain dried up, and I kept feeling super hungry...

I hope my backup plan will work soon...

Not sure if I did the right thing today, but I think I am starting to be able to handle things... my mind, my heart... they're not going haywire anymore. It's nice to feel in control and be able to enjoy that closeness again. Hmm... but where will this lead to? Hopefully to happiness... that's all I need in my life now.

Day 14

This morning I woke up feeling really confused. I don't know if it was my heart or my mind.

This morning, I was supposed to tell my boss that I refuse handle the project from now on. I ended up just nodding and telling him that I will let him know the progress of this week's deliverables at the end of the week.

I spent almost an hour pointing out to him that we lacked resources, we were understaffed, we have no time to do the job to the perfect quality the client expects. The client said that they didn't expect perfection, but in their mind, I know they do. At the end of the entire conversation, my boss basically just told me to 'try harder', 'spend a little more time' and to 'get it done'.

I dunno if he doesn't get that:

a. the team is trying hard
b. we have no extra time to spend on this
c. just getting it done this time around does not solve the problem

Makes me wonder what he hears when I speak to him... maybe I'm just some silent movie where he just puts in his own subtitles based on what he manages to lip read... or a mime he doesn't understand.

I really need a backup plan ASAP!!! FML.

Day 13

Seriously can't take it anymore; Scheming employer, crazily demanding clients and irresponsible colleagues.

I know that I have not done a perfect job. I know I cannot say I have done things to my utmost ability. But I will say I really did try. Even when I did what was right, there was nothing I could do to stop the unfortunate things from happening.

My boss wants to see me tomorrow morning. If he is ready to accept my explanation and move on, that would be great. But if he's ready to jump on me for this, then I think it's really time to go. Misplacing my loyalty is not going to feed me for the rest of my life :P

Day 12

Today went pretty okay :)

I finished writing Chapter 1, I cleared the air, got rid of the bloody mattress in my room, had a nice dinner with my cousins and met some new friends.

Good day... :)

Day 11

I missed a day... but it doesn't mean I didn't feel anything on that day. It was a confusing day for me. I didn't know how to feel at the end of it. I didn't want to wonder or ask anymore, but I know there are many questions in my head. Slowly... I'm learning not to question...

I overcame 1 fear today. I dunno if I should feel happy or just relieved. Many more to come, and I hope I will be ready for them.

I've been listening to many songs tonight. Songs that I loved during my teens, and songs that I love now. I found one in particular... well there were a few, but I think I should share this particular one rather than all.

Bonnie Raitt's I Can't Make You Love Me - Click to listen on YouTube

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me


Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't


I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight


Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I think the essence of this song asks to give up what is inevitably not yours. Take that one last night to make piece with this coming loss, then move on. I know I wanted happiness... a happy ending for myself when I have found what I thought was the best fit for me, but I do know that it's possible that some things were never meant to belong to me. I know that I only have so much will and power to hold onto something. And if in the end, I am not the one... I am not the reason... then I suppose I have to accept it.

I am beginning to feel it. To feel the loosening of the ties around me. Partly because of myself, and partly because I feel the rope unravelling from the other side. This time, I don't think anyone is there to prove me wrong. I can wish that he would wind that rope around me tightly and pull me over to his side, but it's not happening. I'm simply tied to a rope, and probably given a pair of shears for when I feel like cutting it. Disheartening, but it's the fact.

Oh well... Never in my life... when it came to me questioning someone's love and loyalty for me, have I been proven so, so wrong. In the larger parts of it, I am always right. I am never anyone's obvious choice. I just happened to have came along. I refuse to accept it, but it's being thrown in my face and yet I have not given up the fight... I have a long way to go...

Day 9.5

I try and try, I cry and cry... maybe I should just die :P

I started speaking again because I felt we were ready to connect. At least just speaking our minds, since the silence was driving me a bit crazy. But I realised that talking drives me pretty crazy too. So what do we do now?

The whole time I am talking to you, all you interpret is "Goodbye..." from each sentence that comes from me. Do you know you're doing the same too? All I hear is you assuming "I wanna leave, I wanna go somewhere far, I wanna avoid you, I wanna be rid of you." In actually fact... all I wanna scream is... COME BACK!!! COME BACK TO ME!!! It makes me feel like you're the one who wants me gone now.

I'm trying my best to make the best out of our situation, but you won't allow me to. The positive action of me moving on and learning to stand on my own 2 feet is being twisted into the negative action of me wanting to have a new life, without you. I NEVER SAID THAT! I NEVER EVER SAID THAT!!! You're the one who's saying it now.

I can't help that you love me but cannot choose me. I can't help that you want me but refuse to own me. If you want me, take me now. If you don't want me, just say so. If you can't decide now, then just leave it till later. No one is forcing you anymore. No one is asking you anymore. I just want you to be well again. I can't help even help you with yourself, because I am falling apart inside. I'm mending, but if you keep confusing me like this, I'm never ever gonna heal.

You keep assuming that I don't care anymore, when it's just your negativity or maybe insecurity. You think you're born to screw up every damn thing in your life. Well... it only happens when you make a conscious effort.

Everything is gonna be fine. Even if I were to leave this country someday, do you think you will no longer be on my mind? Do you think it will be the last you will hear of me? So many things in my life remind me of you now. Sometimes I wonder how did I allow you to be a part of my life so completely in such a short time, but it just happened, and now I can never forget you... I will never forget you.

Please hear me now when I say I love you. Hear me now when I say I care. Hear me now when I say I will not be far. Hear me now when I say you will be the best friend I've ever had. Maybe we are having a hard time now cos we both are finding it hard to get used to it and to handle the situation, but I promise you, best friends will always be best friends. When the anger dies, when the sadness is forgotten, we will find each other again, and we will be able to smile and laugh and cry together again.

If I can make a conscious effort at this moment, can you try too? I hope to see you again soon. When we meet again, I know I will be able to handle however I feel. I know cos I am making an effort to move towards that destination.

Day 9

I think my mind and heart were closed for the past year. I did not give the things I loved a chance to bring the real me back again. Perhaps for awhile I felt the things I loved didn't make sense... and they were whimsical and unrealistic.

Reading MKR brought me back. Sure I still have the uneasy feelings of reality affecting me. But reliving the story reactivated a part in my brain that had been dormant for so long. I wish it were my full time job to just sit and write my fantasies, but life doesn't treat you that well, eh? :) I now remember what it felt to be immersed in the things I loved and only to be driven by them. Things... not people... they are just objects and they made me happy. I'd much rather depend on objects now... at least there are lower chances of them being taken away from me.

Anyway... I realised a lot of the things I've written 4-5 years ago, I've actually lived through some of them in the past 1-2 years. Talk about self-fulfilling prophecies. They may be in different contexts, but they definitely happened somehow. It was easy to conjure them up in my stories, but it was definitely painful as hell to live through them in person. But it's real life. I'm glad I didn't paint a picture of rainbows and unicorns in the whole time I wrote it. Sometimes I did, but the other times, I realised I was pretty realistic.

I'm also very hooked on music again. I miss the days where I couldn't live without listening to my favourite tune of the day. The days where I'd get fuming mad when my MP4 player ran out of batteries. Which reminds me... I still need a new MP4 player... *sighs* the new iPod Nano... I'll get my hands on one soon :) I need an Android phone first :D

I'm rereading my works at the moment. When I'm done, I'm gonna start writing again. I hope my readers are still out there, wherever they are. I hope they will still appreciate my works. They had always supported me, even when I didn't have anything for them. Most of them have come to be my friends, and they were more concerned about me as a person than just a writer. Thank you my dearest friends. You are all my new sources of inspiration.

Day 8.5

I just made another discovery today. Notes... notes that I have never noticed, and they were there for a very long time. I'd like to ask him what and who was he referring to when he wrote them, but it seems rather pointless now to ask.

I have no one to blame but myself now, for being lost in my own little world, and just believing that my world was fine. How could I believe MY world was fine when this world we live in isn't in the first place? Seriously fucking deluded. I felt hurt for a moment there, but then I thought... I can't blame someone when I didn't take interest in matters to begin with. So... here you go. I've fucked it up well enough, and I just have to let it go...

Blissful Oblivion

I guess I was simply oblivious
Because I was not looking
Sometime ago you were already distraught
I didn't see you hurting

I thought my presence was enough
To stave you through these tough times
But I guess just having me is not enough
I'm nothing if not just another one of your crimes

A crime I was because I feel in some ways
My presence was meant to be discreet
I guess you couldn't deal with it anymore
And that's when you chose to end it

I was blissfully oblivious to everything
I thought we were really fine
I'm only starting to realise now
You were only just being kind...

I have done my best to an extent... but if my best was not enough, I guess that's all I can do. What more do you think I can do?

Day 8

I had a dream last night... or at least part of the dream. I was telling my parents how this relationship had changed me for the better. My dreams are such that I still find the reasons that the relationship was good. That it worked. His last dream of me was about how uncomfortable and doubtful he felt about us.

I guess that's a sign? Am I the only one who want this? I tried to tell myself I don't want this, I don't need this... I need to move on, and I'm gonna move on. But somehow... these invisible chains are wrapped around my heart and asking it to stay. Stay... or risk regretting everything. But it hurts. It hurts to wonder and not know. I know the phase I am going through now is necessary... to build a foundation... to make me stronger so that I can withstand the future. But I really feel I don't have much to live for now. I don't have much to fight for.

Any suggestions? I really dunno what is happening around me anymore.

Day 7.5

I was walking in the rain, up towards my house. I was reminded of a fantasy that I had many times put to paper (or my blogs rather).

The girl walks towards her house. She is forlorn and lonely. As she approaches, she sees a familiar figure. The person whom she's though had forsaken her was standing outside her gate, waiting for her. Her steps quicken, and he too starts walking towards her. They meet, face to face, and embrace... And he promised never to let her go again.

I never realised how often I had written this, and in doing so, I was writing down my own hopes and dreams. The hope that the things I want most will come back to me when I least expect them to. I'm telling myself each day now, to stop expecting. I've been trying to tell myself that since last year. Doesn't seem to work much... Maybe I do need a big shock to my system to get my head out of the clouds.

Day 7

I'm locked in Room 6. I can't get out of my zone from yesterday. I went to bed lying to myself that I would be fine when I woke up today, but I felt worse. I didn't want to wake up, and I didn't want to face the world.

I feel like something horrible is about to happen. Maybe it should just happen and we can get it over with. But I also wish that it could be a turning point, where things would change for the better. But I think it will be something horrible. Horrible things enjoy seeking me out and ruining my life.

I want to throw everything out of the window, and just walk on, walk on, walk until I can walk no more. My tears are blurring my vision, I'll probably just fall into a ditch and knock my head some edge then die. Yea... that would be the way. That'll teach me to cry for things that can never change...

I still hope for the best. But somehow, I feel good things never happen to me when I need them to. Anyone care to prove me wrong?

I need answers... that's all I need now...

Day 6

I feel like I've taken 2 steps back, in terms of my emotional stability today. I am thankful for the good friends I have that help keep me on track.

I think I know what I wanna do now. The big question is if I have the guts to do it. Will I follow through or falter because of my soft, soft heart :( I think for my future happiness, I have to stand firm... Haizzz... it's so difficult to be tough...

Scream at the stars...

I long to scream at the stars...
The stars on which my fate was written,
That etched out the pain I feel today.

I long to scream at the stars...
The stars that brought me love,
That then took away that love from me.

I long to scream at the stars...
The stars that gave me hope for the future,
That clouded my vision of what's ahead me.

I long to scream at the stars...
The stars that gave me a new meaning in life,
That made it meaningless afterwards.

I long to scream at the stars...
The stars that tell me I will live on long after this pain,
That also tell me that nothing is guaranteed on the road ahead.

I long to scream at the stars...
But all the screaming will just make me hoarse,
And I will still lose everything that I held dearly...
For it's all written in the stars.

Day 5

Updating early today. My target is to hit Day 30 and cease updating about this altogether. Listen to this while you read. It's been almost a week and I am still moved by this song.



Today, I felt like I've opened another door, entered another room... a metaphor for advancing to another state of mind. I'm entertaining ideas of running off to some far away place, but of course, it's just not practical. What's practical now is to sit this out, do my best, and hope for an improvement; at least career-wise.

Yesterday, I suddenly felt the urge to be somewhere else, maybe fly off to the UK and visit my aunt, have some time to myself, enjoy the country side and simply just learn to take in the world, and not have to report it to someone all the time. I even had the urge to go for a movie alone. I did wonder if I would feel weird laughing alone. Would I feel sad if I had no one to comment on the movie to or share it with later on, but I realised it doesn't matter. Some things you just share when the time or situation permits. Others, you just keep it to yourself and you can simply blog about it if you like :) I think I have always been overly communicative, and sometimes it becomes a burden to those around me.

I asked myself today why I didn't like being around my family. I realised that I do, but it's just some things have happened and we've had some unpleasant encounters, and now we are all just going about each day, getting our own things done, and not caring about other stuff, like each other. Sure, my aunts are concerned about me. I get annoyed with their idiosyncrasies sometimes, but generally, I think they are great and they have my best interests at heart. The one person I still have some sort of love-hate feelings for is my one and only sister.

I love my sister, and I like the times we spend together doing our crazy stuff and talking about all the things we wanna share with each other. What I do not love is how she judges my life. Sure, she is entitled to her opinions. Yes, I haven't made the wisest of decisions in the past year and have often gone to her for emotional support. But what I wanted was emotional support. I didn't need a lecture, I didn't need another person to tell me what shitty decisions I have made or how I could've done things differently. I am a stubborn person, but eventually, if you let me be, my stubborn thoughts would melt away, and I would see reason. I just prefer to get there on my own terms.

The things that she doesn't like, that I still stand firm on... those are the trickiest. She doesn't believe in love the way I do. She doesn't believe in having faith in a man the way I do. Sure I get hurt time and time again for putting all my faith in another human being, she thinks it's silly to invest such time and emotions, but I have never felt that way. In my perfect world, my sister would simply respect my decisions and support me when the decision I've made isn't really going my way, without saying "I told you so". I have a few friends who manage to do that, and that is how I can be honest when discussing my issues with them, and they really help me through my thought processes.

I'm in Room No. 5 now. Another 25 rooms to go before I get out of this place... this space in time. When I do, I know I would have become a different me again. I hope it sticks this time. I hope I have learnt well from this experience. I think I've forgotten about myself again for awhile. I need to keep remembering what it is I'm doing for myself. Some will say I'm young, others will tell me I'm getting old. I feel that time is wasting, and life is wasted if I keep standing still now. I need to get something done for me... soon...

Day 4.5

My whole day is packed with meeting people today... haha. Just met an old classmate, and in awhile an ex-colleague. I'm generally feeling positive.

At this moment, I feel that I really wanna move forward. I can only say this at this point... no matter how okay I seem, and how I look like I've forgotten everything that's happened and moved on, never discount the fact that I may still love you that much. It may take me time to decide, but if you want me that much, make sure you have the balls to come back and ask for my heart again. You'll never know if it's still yours. I fear that you may give up just because it looks like a challenge, or you think I'm better off without all this. Maybe... but let me be the judge of that. You just need to straighten out your mind and ask yourself what is it that you want. Meanwhile, I am just trying to put away everything in a locked chest just so I can survive my days ahead. I leave the key with you...

Someone told me that I shouldn't delude myself that there is a "right person" for me. People will always change, and we should just deal with it as it goes along. This fact rings in my head now. I cannot control someone who has decided to change his mind, so all I can do is to make do until my life stabilises, and all things feel as normal as they can be. This love has made a mark in my heart. It may have scarred it too. But this also means that it will always occupy a space within me. It will be totally up to circumstances in the future if it will be revived, or simply just live out it's life within me, like any scar on my body would. I still hope I'll at least meet a person who will make me feel alive. As alive as I've ever felt in the past few months...

Day 4

I met an old acquaintance today, and I realised I am definitely not the most troubled person, nor experiencing the shittiest life. I realised there are many ways around things, and there are many ways to move forward... So I'm gonna just keep my thoughts at this stage today. I really feel the turning point within me. I may really be feeling differently about everything... starting today. The feelings are still there, but perhaps the rationality is kicking in now :)

Day 3

I asked myself today... It's not like I've had a very dysfunctional family or abusive childhood, so why do I crave connection with people other than my family? Why do I have this burning need to find my life partner and get married even before my early 20s. Is it because of my deluded beliefs in romantic notions? I feel like I am slowly getting over that, but I am somewhat still a romantic at heart... :P

At some point of my mid-20s, I decided that I wanted to see more of the world, and that I will not be contented to just do the job I have, or live the life I am living. Then the big crash came. I crashed and got burnt, and then I slowly climbed up again. I still believed that I wanted more out of my life, which was why I moved to Singapore again, and in that process, I met him.

I think what I felt when I was with him was that he was a person I could see the world with, and yet stand still somewhere if I wanted to. We were both still in a phase of wanting to experience a different world, a different life, so it felt ideal to be together. I guess we never counted on the feelings of responsibility and our ages catching up to start making us feel that we had to decide on the path that we were embarking on together. This should be one of the main fears we both have; if the bumpy road ahead was one we thought worth fighting for. It's a bit sad that we are in this situation now. We are both unsure how much we want this, despite knowing that this is the happiest we've been in the longest time, and maybe the only time it would ever feel so perfect for the rest of our lives. But I guess the most important thing for anyone is this situation is not to settle for something easier or readily available just because you're afraid that nothing as good, if not better, will ever come along in the coming times and if you're also afraid of going down a difficult path. I guess this was what I used to do. I just grabbed the next best thing available when I felt I had nothing in my life. This time I didn't and this is why it's hitting me as hard as it is...

It's ironic when both people feel they are not good enough, having tried their hardest. I want to tell him and I want to remind myself all the time that we've done our best for each other, but there are just some things that you need to let go in order to be the best for each other. I think in the coming years, my biggest challenge in order to make anything work in my life would be to learn to let go of my past. Sure it's nothing sordid or even gory... it's just the little fears and niggles and most of all the huge amount of insecurities built up over the years that continue to dog me. In our time together, I can say that I have never felt insecure, until I realised that I was losing him. That's when it all came back. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be cured. I hope so. I really hope I will be, with time, as I do not want my insecurities to burden me and my partner for life.

I used to wish I would find someone who would take care of me for life. It's nice to be taken care of, but I think it's much better to have a partner who would support you emotionally all the time. In our time together, sometimes I feel he doesn't take all of my emotional shit, simply because he probably senses that I'm doing this out of habit, and it's just something I've believed in for so long. It's good. And all those times when I'm having a hard time adapting to stuff like my career and meeting shitty people, he was there with an arm around me, and a shoulder for me to cry on. Like that PSA that keeps running lately, "Help encourages, but the right help enables." I think at that time, it felt like the right help that enabled me to push forward. Recently, sometimes it was the right help, and sometimes I knew he was coddling me, and I am sure he knew it too, but he still did it, because he knew I needed someone, something, or I may crumble.

I think now I'm going through a process of crumbling, reconstructing, crumbling, reconstructing, and the cycle keeps repeating itself. Like knocking over a tower of blocks each day and stacking it up again. I think I need to stop the blocks from falling, and maintain that stack. Until I can maintain that stack, I dunno how I will react to everything that's gonna be thrown at me. Sometimes I wish we could say fuck everything else and just be the way we were. But he's right. Somehow it won't be the same, and I would prefer it everything happened the right way, the way it should, and when everything has truly fallen away, and all that's left is the two of us.

The two of us... seeing the same things... thinking the same thoughts... feeling the same feelings... breathing the same air... walking that same path. That's how I want my life to be...

Day 2

I went a bit back and forth today. Calm in one moment, crazy in the next... but generally, I think I'm calm. Entertained some crazy thoughts for a moment, but I caught myself before I did something impulsive that would ultimately just hurt me in the end. I should know by now since I've been through it ages ago. Sometimes people don't remember their past experiences to vividly :P

I had urges to cry today, but somehow the tears feel like their blocked, or stuck within me. I think it's my brain slowly getting my emotions in control... My heart still palpitates sometimes, a wrenching feeling, sometimes I can hardly breathe, but I'm also feeling generally normal today... I think I'm on the way to getting myself back... ^_^ I think I have not strayed a lot from being me for the past few months, but I wanna live with me being 100% of me... Today is yet another milestone to me... starting today, I am going to really be independent, and strong!!!

RAWR!!!

Day 1.5

I had a relapse... so I won't count today as the 2nd day, as I feel like I'm starting over.

Every day is a new journey for me. I start at the bottom of the hill each day, and by midday, I get to the peak. I climb down slowly after that, and by the next morning, I have to start over again. I wish I had a pause button, so that I could always be at the peak.

Feel tired today... Hope I'll survive gym tonight...

So it starts again now... RAWR!!!

Day 1

Today I embark on a new phase... another bubble of time where eventually it will pop and dissipate into thin air. I still don't know what I'm going to achieve from this time where I am going to surround myself in a cushion of detachment.

I just want to achieve a sense of calmness now. It just feels like a storm of frustration and a cocktail of all my emotions are brewing, and I just want to stay away from the cyclone that may simply sweep me off my feet and leave me powerless to fight for the road to safety.

I just want to be able to cope through my days at this point. I wanna last out this time that I have set for myself. Along the way, maybe I can learn to be less reactive towards the things around me, then maybe I will have a happier life. I realise that I have never really learnt to let live... in the past month or so, I think I have truly tried, and perhaps in some situations managed to let go and just deal with myself first, but I find that every step I have taken forward does come with 2 steps back every once in awhile, maybe in every 1 out of 3 attempts. I need to learn that some things are really out of my control and I should just let things be and focus on myself.

I have a few mantras now... a friend told me to remind myself "I am strong". The next one I shall add is "Breathe, close your eyes and just breathe". Hopefully in the long run, these will help me to come to terms with myself, my life and everything that surrounds me. Hopefully in the long run, I will really be a stronger person. I know I have grown in this past 6 months. So much more than I thought I could. But I still have some way to go, before I can be truly invincible :)

I wanna learn to be able to have someone's arm around my shoulder, but still stand on my own 2 feet.

5 minutes to save my world...

I guess I failed? I guess I succeeded? It's something I needed, and yet not something I wanted. I was afraid of taking that step, but he nudged me to it. Do I thank him? Do I turn around and cling to his arm and insist I will not leave. I just feel everything played out wrong. I acted on impulse once again and simply because I felt I couldn't take it any longer. I may regret my impulsive behaviour once again, but perhaps it has saved me from killing something that meant much more than my wants for that moment.

It took me this long, not that long, but long enough... I can finally say I am trying to move forward. I wish that the things I want would still be attached to me, like that price tag on the dress that I forgot to cut off... it flicks at me every no and then, reminding me that I'd forgotten about it, but it will be there, until I take off that dress, and finally cut that tag off.

I wanna wake up and be able to smile tomorrow. I hope that I can really do that, and mean it. I wanna be happy... that's all I want now... please keep me happy...

That I am not

I used to be afraid of sleeping alone... not anymore.
I hated eating alone... but I know sometimes you have to.
I never liked to shop alone, because I could never decide what I wanted to buy... but then these days I think I should just make do.
I keep depending on people, even knowing that they may not be there for me forever... will I ever learn not to?
I still question myself, if I have the power and courage to take on and withstand challenges... most probably not.
I'm trying to love and forgive unconditionally... but a saint, I am not.
Can I still wait for you indefinitely... for now I still am, but perhaps eventually, I may not...

Rain, Blood and Tears

The rain on the streets, they flow to my heart.
The open cut is engulfed by it, making my blood run.
Washing over my wounds, blood and rain mingle and flow.
The rain drains me of my blood, so that I can release the pain in my heart.
 
My tears are running down my face.
Perhaps my eyes would soon bleed instead.
I hold back my emotions, I try to be brave.
My confidence has shattered, was it all done in vain?
 
They say when it rains, the sky is crying.
So I guess when your heart bleeds, you're surely dying.
This pain inside, perhaps it will dissipate.
But for now I wish I could just stop loving, and learn to hate.
 
On and on, I try to wade through the pool of rain, blood and tears.
On and on, I try to fight against my greatest fears.
On and on, I take the hit to my heart, and yet I still walk forward.
My eyes are only set on one thing, which hopefully doesn't become pointless.

What could I possibly want?

Lately there are a lot of things running through my head. I am beginning to question what it is I really want from this life. Back then, I had planned to be a young mother and that was the rest of my life. Slowly I asked myself, was that all to life, and I decided to venture out and seek more. I told myself that I couldn't be a person who would be contented with just staying put. At least not until I saw the world... or at least more of it.

Till today, I have not seen the world. I ran into several walls. And now, I am at the crossroads again. I watch mothers and their babies, as I envy that bond that they share, I catch myself and ask myself, am I ready for the role of nurturing and guiding another human being who will be totally reliant on me. Guess not.

I watch husbands and wives going about their weekend routines, having breakfast, lunch and dinner at public places. Walking hand in hand at a mall. The wife leaning on her husband as they the ride the bus or MRT. I long for someone with whom I can share my daily life with, and yet I wonder, who will be able to put up with me for life.

I watch people happily walking out of their offices as they head home. I'd think that they must have had a great day at work. Their boss probably appreciates their efforts, and their colleagues are like family to them. While I have great colleagues, not much can be said of my bosses. I just want a stable career with a positively challenging environment. Yet, I ask myself... can I handle it?

Everything I do is countered by self-doubt. I could be doing a damned good job and yet I wonder if I did. I could have given my all, and yet I question if I gave enough. I thought I've had enough, and yet I feel deprived. So now I ask myself, if I keep at this, how long will I be able to last, before my light dies out.

Or maybe all I wanna know is if I am be able to hold onto something for long enough... perhaps keep it for the rest of my life...

Blog; not much...

I've been totally off the radar on blogger. So far the excuse I keep giving myself was that I'm not inspired to write. I have come to realise that it's just bullshit. The reason I stopped blogging was because I was no longer sure of my life. I'm afraid of committing whatever I'm doing into a document and making it set in writing.

I don't know what the hell I have gotten myself into. I think I'm happy. I do feel happy. But somehow... things are not going the right way for me. Or maybe people would tell me, they're just not going the way I want them to go. I try to hard to do things right, and I hope that people see it and acknowledge it and in their final assessment of me, think that I am doing a good job, and perhaps give me the treatment I deserve. In some areas, I have succeeded, in most areas, I have not.

And that one person... the person who has continued to treat me right... it feels right... and yet somehow I realise that I am not doing it right... it all sounds to tangled and confusing. It all sounds so painful and it just makes me want to shut off from the world and keep to myself until I feel sane again... but I still crave that connection. Knowing that somehow it's wrong to keep going this way, I still want that connection... that gratification. But it's wrong of me to feed my greed... It's just creating a bigger cavern in my chest... and it will just grow while I keep trying to feel it. At some point... nothing in this world will ever be enough for me, and I will just disappoint everyone who loves me again. And that includes that person...

I have never been brave, and I don't think I will ever be... but at this point, I just wish that I would at least learn to face the truth the world has set in front of me...