Cue Loud Wailing...

Why doth I waileth? I am pretty sure I didn't get into SM Entertainment. I was surfing and searching and I came upon this blog by this delightful girl. It put an end to my K-Dream immediately...

Thank you, Amane, for ending my reverie.

Of course I'll probably still hold on to that glimmer of hope until the end of this weekend, before I officially bid my hopes, on this bloody audition, adieu. How do I even explain how devastated I felt? :"(

I know the reasons I was not picked... I shed a few tears... so it's time for me to move on and get myself a kick-ass career in the mundane corporate world. However, I will never forget what the experience has done for me. As soon as I walked out of that audition room, I felt 10 feet taller. I felt that I finally did something I wanted to do and did it pretty well. My confidence level was on an unusual high for the rest of the week and I am not afraid to say that I have remained confident of myself eversince. It really helped me see that I can do whatever I put my mind to. The rest is up to God. I can now say to myself, "You are a capable woman!".

If SM ever comes to town again, I will be there. If they don't, I will continue to live my life to the fullest. Armed with my newfound faith in myself, I think there is little that I cannot do.

Quitted My Job... Yippie! Erm... Now What?

I finally quit my job. My dad gave me his blessing to do it and I did it the very next day. It felt wonderful when I put the letter on Lucy's table... I was so ecstatic... for a moment... the reality started to set it. Now what am I gonna do? What's my next job? Where's my next job? When am I gonna be reemployed. Ooops!

I spent lots of time, the night before, updating my resume on Jobstreet and JobsDB. I also realized that if you do not registerfor JobsDB in a particular country's database, you may not be searcheable by companies in that country. So that is what I did.

I have decided on my 2 main career choices to try next, Retail Merchandising (preferably to do with fashion) and IT Auditing. Next mission is to search all possible application opportunities for these and bombard them with my resume.

While doing all these, I am still praying very hard that I get picked to join SM Entertainment. I actually found that they do prefer to recruit teenagers and usually take 4-5 years to train them. It really bugs me now to think that they'd think I'm way past my prime to train as an artiste. I hope that I look young enough to them and that the fact that I am older will lead them to believe that I am willing to work harder to achieve this.

I also got to think of the dark side of the entertainment industry. Will I be able to cope with the constant emphasis on with whom do you have connections and how willing are you to sell your flesh (may not apply to every artiste)? I know not every female artiste has to suffer this. But what if? I think guys are really lucky. They'll never get taken advantage of, unless whoever who wants to take advantage of them is gay :P I suppose anyone who wants to do this has to be firm. If you have the talent, you should never stoop to that level. But if you make it your personal choice, I have nothing against it. If you have no talent, you should forget it and try some other career choice than to tarnish yourself like that. Yet again, some people will do anything to achieve fame and I think I am not such a person. I will only go so far. I will only do what is within my physical and mental abilities and not to mention my moral beliefs.

Mountain Tortoise Back From The City ~ Part 2

The other highlight of this Mountain Tortoise's visit to KL was the SM Entertainment audition. Yes, I auditioned to be part of SM, creator of 東方神起, BoA, Kangta, Shinhwa, S.E.S and all those Korean superstars.

I was number 94, but was the 20th person to audition cos my application was messed up. They were suppose to line me up with the group of people who applied online but instead they put me with those who walked in. Thankfully, this kind 누나 let me join the first 20. We went in the room and had to line up in groups of 10 at a time, introduce ourselves and sing something. Everyone had to sing something. If you were auditioning to be a singer, then you'd have to sing longer, if not then you can sing a phrase. If you were auditioning to be a model, after singing, you have to take 3 steps to the front and strike 3 poses. No one auditioned for acting so I dunno what's the auditioning process for that. Those auditioning for dancing will get to dance after all 10 have introduced themselves, sung and get this... dance to a song provided by the organisers. It was a shock at first, to see 10 ppl dancing like mad. But the first 10 people were damned aggressive. Lots of them were vying for the spot which was front and center. In my group of 10, the people were a bit shy, so I had to take the chance to move forward.

To sum up the performances of those I auditioned with, some had the skill, but not the looks. Some didn't have both. Some had the package, particularly this cute and small girl. The judges seemed to pay lots of attention at her. They even ask her to come forward and push back her hair so that they can see her better. Do you think that's a sign that they may shortlist her? She sings fine and dances like Beyoncé. I have a feeling she will be chosen. Furthermore, she spoke a teensy bit of Korean. I think they may love her... Those who were auditioning to be models didn't do very well in my opinion. They did not strike 3 different poses. They were like... hand on right hip, look left... hand on left hip, look right... one cute and confused pose. To think one of them once participated in a bridal fair.

As for me, I have lots of regrets regarding my performance. I introduced myself fine, but I think I lacked conviction. I think I sang well. I chose Lately by Stevie Wonder and sang from the 2nd verse right up to the chorus. When I stopped, one of the judges said that it was his favourite song. Bingo! ;) But I sort of regret I didn't ask if I could sing a Korean song. Then I may have impressed them further. Although I did not write it when filling up the application at the audition (though I did online), I said I was there to audition for Dance and Modelling. That way, I think I'd get more "air time". I think I struck 3 different and strong poses. In the words of the great Tyra Banks, you have to be like "Bam!... Bam!... Bam!". Firm and strong poses. When it came to dancing, there was a screw up again. Apparently the girl at the registration counter didn't know I was in the first group, so she did not pass my CD to the fella manning the radio. There was a moment of confusion, me trying to explain what happened to the judges and the judges thinking that I'd left my CD outside and finally ending with the judges requesting that I dance to their song, which I a little grudgingly agreed to (Note: Not the right attitude for an audition). Just when I agreed, I suddenly sighted KangTa & Vanness' album, Scandal, on the judging table. Coincidence being that I had intended to dance to Good Vibration, from their album. The judges seemed pretty happy that this was my song choice. When I dance, and thank god it was quite smooth, the judges seemed entertained.

So what are my chances of going to Korea to become a superstar? We'll know in 3 weeks when they notify those who are chosen. Let's hope there isn't a 2nd audition, but to be safe, I am preparing for it. Even if I get chosen, maybe I'll end up a backup dancer for BoA or Dana... Boo hoo hoo... But still, if I get chosen, I finally get to do something I've always wanted to do in my life and believe me, I will be working my way to the top.

Thanks a lot to Kat, Elaine and Koon who were there with me at the audition. Your support meant a lot to me. If I do get to be a Korean superstar, you'll be able to brag about me, isn't that great? Hehe! To my baby sister, thank you for calling and telling me that I can do it. After this audition, I really felt that I can do it. If I do fail this time, SM Entertainment, you will be seeing me at your next audition call.

Most of all, thank you to Geoffrey. You piss me off, you make me cry, you frustrate me but you are still the best boyfriend in the world because you love me, take care of me, support me and believe in my abilites. I love you...

Mountain Tortoise Back From The City ~ Part 1

Allo...

Wow!!! The concert was beautiful. I am sure many a fan cried tears of joy when 東方神起 appeared on the stage cos there were fans who also cried when the concert ended. Overall it was a great concert except for the beginning when the sound ppl screwed up the background music. The chorus was playing where it shouldn't be and so forth. The set was elaborate and probably damn expensive. I heard that it cost more than a million.
Yes... it's very blur. I have a lousy camera. So much for Leica lenses. My next aim is to get a video camera. Then I won't have to see this happen anymore.
That's them dancing, if you believe me. Cos the image is so distorted, I would't believe it if I wasn't the one who took the damn picture.This one seems a little clearer cos they were further up front. Again my camera failed me. I'm gonna dump it in the ocean soon.

The other highlight of the concert was the appearance of Super Junior. Previously, I have only seen 1 MV and heard 1 song from them. So I didn't know how good they were, they're quite the entertainers; cute or even fierce when necessary. With 12 members, it was so hard to tell one from the other but it doesn't matter, they're great as a team. So I shall say Super Junior, 파이팅! You will achieve greatness someday!

좋아!!!! 오늘!!!!!!

Yay!! It's today!!

윤호... 기다리~

東方神起... 기다리~

동지, 동지, 파이팅!

좋아! 하루!

Eeek!!! Tomorrow is the day!

좋아! 이틀!

2 more days to go!!!

Photo taken from their DVD - All About 東方神起. Not very clear cos I had to snap them while the DVD was playing.

좋아! 사흘!

Here's an idea! I'm gonna post a photo of 윤호 everyday as part of a countdown till Friday!! Here's is the 1st.

제 東方神起 콘서트 표!!!!

감사함니다 to Elaine for sending me the pictures of the tickets. Would've looked better if scanned, but who am I to complain since they're not in my hands now. Hehe! Maybe I'll scan it after the concert :P

Full View

Close Up

And the 東方神起 fever continues burning... :P~ Will it die after the concert? Will we be disappointed come Friday. I hope not... Hehe! It's hard to find something that you can truly go mad about these days.

바보!!!

ㅘ!!! I only have 1 supporter for this blog. So sad. Anyways... I joined 윤호's fanlisting, membership pending. Check out Essence if you are a 윤호 fan.

I have just finished watching 1 and half of the DVDs from All About 東方神起. As I watch the DVD, I am beginning to see them as human, men and not just the pop idols they are. They seem to have insecurities and they are sensitive, playful, adorable and oh-so endearing. I have to address this to 재중, if he ever reads this.

재중 seems to always portray a lack of confidence when asked about who is better looking or when asked to compare himself to the other members. I would give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he is either shy, modest or utterly unaware of how attractive he is. He does not have conventional good looks, but there is not doubt that he IS good looking. No one can ever say he is ugly. What's more, when he sings, he really blows people away. I never expected him to have such a voice, when singing or when speaking. He sure doesn't squeak like David Beckham :P He has an aura about him that makes him attractive, mysterious and a distinct individual. I have only 1 word to describe him... beautiful ;)

After watching the DVD I saw that 윤호 was not only funny and sweet, playful and adorable, he was also a leader. He acts like a leader, take his role as the leader very seriously and he is righteous and protective towards those who come under his care. He provides moral support to his team members and he is there to push, guide and cheer them up as they do for him too. If this is the real 윤호 I am seeing in the DVD, then I really, really want to meet him in person.

By the way, is this the trait of Korean men? To be sensitive and not afraid to cry. To want to have get married and have children. Every member said that in 20 years time, they want to be married and have children. Majority said that the eyes are what draws them to a person. 윤호 wanted a girl who is smart and is respectful parents. They seem so traditional and romantic. Are these the stereotypes of Korean men? The beautiful idea of the perfect man? Cos it sounds very much like a Korean drama.

I wonder... is there such thing as a sceptical fan. I believe I am such a fan... :P I hate dreaming so much like a fan should. I just feel that it would lead to a huge disappointment in the end. However, though I know that disappointment will come, as usual, I will hang on to the thought of my fantasies of a beautiful life... :)

안녕하서요!!

Yes.. It's a bit too soon. But I found some really cool stuff. This rock group called Buzz. Their song, You Don't Know Guys (남자를 몰라), is exquisite. You can hear it at:

http://www.arirangtv.com/Radio/Pops_Player.asp?UPFILE=/buzz/donknow.asf

You will want to cry your heart out with this song. It sounds so painful and sad...

You can download it at http://orientpearl.multiply.com/tag/korean.

But I would always recommend that you buy the album if you can get your hands on it. But I dunno if the whole album is as nice as this song. Hmm...

YunHo and JaeJoong... ( 윤호 그리고 재중...)

Let's talk about my 2 favourite eye candies... YunHo and JaeJoong. While YunHo is actually the leader, JaeJoong was more of the lead singer in the first album. Though JaeJoong still is the strongest singer, these days, YunHo gets to sing more than his 2 lines back then.

YunHo is undoubtedly the best dancer. He's a regular on Korean variety shows and always involved in dance battles. But... JaeJoong has a real killer body. Still... I prefer YunHo. He's manlier.

Fine... I know this photo does not prove anything, but if you watch the MVs, you can see the difference. But seriously, JaeJoong has beautiful hair. So beautiful, I'm going to get his haircut. I'm sounding more and more like a groupie by the minute. Hehe! For what it's worth, they're only 20, my sister's age. Waaaa!!! I ain't no pedophile!!! I really do admire their singing and dance moves. I wanna learn those moves. How do they come up with it? Why are they so good? I'm getting more and more obsessed. Hopefully the fever will die down after I've seen them live. So, for now until 14-Jul, I shall remain in a state of obsessive-frenzy. Is that a possible feeling? Hmm... JaeJoong!!! YunHo!!! Why must you be children?

Ok... continue expressing my obsession another day. More photos available at their official website...

www.tvxq.co.kr

I'm gonna go brush up my Korean in case I get my chance to speak a full sentence to them.

감사함니다 to Kat & Elaine for coming with me to share this beautiful, once in a lifetime experience!!!

Dong Bang Shin Ki!! Saranghe!!! (동방신기...사랑해!!!)

I am back.. and this time with a vengeance. Why? ㅙ??? For my 동방신기!!! That's Dong Bang Shin Ki. Otherwise known as DBSK, TVfXQ and many other. But officially, they call themselves TVXQ. I've been having DBSK fever for weeks now. Mainly because they're coming to Malaysia, to KL, to Putra Indoor Stadium, Bukit Jalil.

They are truly a phenomenon... at least 2 of them are truly drool worthy. It's bad enough that they can sing and dance like a dream... but they're not even of legal age (that is 21) yet. Waaa! I feel like an old auntie lusting after teenage boys... Don't get me wrong though, they look nothing like children, except for Chang Min. By the way, the poster is not flattering. Here's a better pic...

JunSu-YooChun-JaeJoong-ChangMin-YunHo

With this 2nd album, Rising Sun (순수), they are set to rise to the sun literally. Their 1st album was pure pop to me... but this album is an artwork of mature sounds and vibes. Go buy it... you won't regret it.

So far, I have a few songs from them that I seriously obsess about:

from Heart, Mind & Soul (their Jap album)

My Destiny

Heart Mind and Soul

from Tri-Angle (their 1st Korean album)

Jigumchorom (지금처럼)

Million Men

from Rising Sun (their 2nd Korean album)

Tonight

Rising Sun (순수)

Love After Love

Dangerous Mind

Free Your Mind

It's not too late to get tickets!! What's more, if you buy the LG M6100, the new LG mobile phone named after them, you get 2 free tickets. What are you waiting for???

Urinary Tract Infection (UTI)

Everybody... say this with me... U-T-I!!!

"Urinary tract infections (UTIs) account for about 8.3 million doctor visits each year. Women are especially prone to UTIs for reasons that are not yet well understood. One woman in five develops a UTI during her lifetime. UTIs in men are not as common as in women but can be very serious when they do occur."

Source: http://kidney.niddk.nih.gov/kudiseases/pubs/utiadult/

I am now the one among the five now. So no matter how busy you are, remember to take a trip to the loo. Not only did I get UTI, I got constipation which lead to a horrible muscle ache that lasted until yesterday night. Today, I am finally feeling better. All hail painkillers and laxatives! The doctor also said that the muscle ache could be caused by sitting in a bad posture for long hours. He also concluded that I probably had a lousy office chair which did not provide lumbar support. So if you think you chair sucks, bring it up to your management or you may end up like me. I'va taken 3 sick days this week because of all this hullaballoo...

I'm not going to blab about this anymore. Just want everyone to know that their job is not worth sacrificing their bladder, kidneys, intestines, back... mind. So no matter how busy you are take a trip to the loo, sashay around the department for some much needed exercise and remember to gossip and yak with your colleagues to keep your wits about.

Get In-su-red...

Does anyone think it's time to sign-up for an insurance policy? I mean, I have medical paid for, I've saved more than Rm500 every month (aren't I a good girl) and there are still so many things that I want. Like this Chanel camera bag on your left. Of course not in black!! I want it in white and perhaps 1 big one and 1 small one. Big for work, small for kai-kai. In case you are wondering... No... I don't have the money to buy original. This will be the first time I break my motto of 'buying originals that you can afford'. Why? Cos I desperately need a white bag... Hehe! And I think this doesn't look bad at all... in white. Fluffy!! You better get them for me when you're in Shanghai.. and don't forget my Seaquest DSV DVDs. Yes... I'm a geek...

Also... I need to decide how to colour my short hair... no highlights.. I will not have dye all over my head. I need to find a style whereby I only need to dye certain parts of my hair so that I will look funky and if need be, when my hair dries up, I can just chop it off. I will not have that frizzy-pubic-looking destroyed hair on my head! Not if I can help it. I'm also thinking.. should I continue to use mild styling creams(currently using Redken-RM60)? Or should I start using a hairspray... So many ideas to come up with... so little money to make it happen. Hehe! Especially when I only have 3/4 of my salary this month. Aftermath of taking to many unpaid leaves.

But I think it's high time I invested my money. Cos if I don't, it will end up in the pockets of Giordano, Bossini, U2, Seed, Vincci... and many other favourite charities of mine... Hehe!

Are pouches for fishmongers?

I bought this on a whim yesterday. I know some ppl are gonna say it's U-G-L-Y, but what the heck... it was RM49, 50% off and I needed something like that sometimes.

So... what else did I do since I last blogged? Let's list them out since I'm in the mood for a quickie today. I'll try my best to get them in chronological order. It totally depends on the order from which my brain recalls them.

1. I bought a new shirt and another pair of 3-quarter pants!!
Too lazy to post a pic. You can see it at Giordano. I think it's the latest khaki range or something. And it's white. I feel like I am comitting some kind of suicide by buying white. I'll probably destroy it on the first wear, bleed on it or pour sauce on it, and I can never wear it again :P The shirt was pretty low cut. Didn't think it was when I tried it. Must be the bra. When I went to work, ppl were like gawking, so I had to keep my jacket on the entire day.

2. I visited the Apex pharmacy at least once last two weekends
I had to stock up on my gastric medicine myself since I have no space in my schedule to visit the doctor again. He may wanna scope me, so I ain't taking any chances.

3. I cut my hair really short!!!
Okay... deep breaths everyone... I didn't shave my head. I think I used to have short hair back in Alpha... so this is almost like it.. just a little longer. I am still figuring out how I am gonna dye it and make an impact at the same time.

4. I shouted at my leader
Yes.. I sorta yelled at a superior cos she was like a monkey on my back. She was a bit miffed. I apologised. But every single day at work, I really wanna yell at ppl who piss me off. I grumble a lot at work, loudly. But not about my boss, more about supplier and ppl from other departments. Ppl seem to think badly of me because I complain a lot. Lately, during departmental meetings, I got really vocal. Anytime they ask for input, I will be the first to raise my hand. Yes, I'm a disgruntled employee and I will state my case when given the chance. Only issue I am still not speaking up is that I am damn unhappy with my pay.

5. I had my pre-evaluation/review talk
My manager and the leader I yelled at had a talk with me after work (after I yelled at the leader) about the pros and cons of moi. I can saw that overall they are pleased with my capabilities but not entirely loving my attitude. Who gives a flying fish?? All I can say is that they know what I can do and what I can do is better than most and could be better than the rest of the freshies and they just don't wanna state it in case I get more big headed than I already am ;) One thing they picked on which pissed me to the max was something about walking around and chatting with others. Ever since I was sick and came back to work, I rarely do that. I only do it about once or twice a day and at short intervals and a lot are work related. So wassup with that? They said ppl from other dept would think that we had nothing better to do or we're nto doing our job. What the.... Since I went back to work, I had this idea in my mind: If I just did my work in silence and sit there the whole day, no one will think that I am not doing my work. I did that, and they're saying that I do the opposite. If there is gonna be another talk, I will mention this. I'm getting angry now just thinking about it. I happen to be a happy and active person, if they think that reflects me as a person who is not serious with her work, fine... someday, you will regret you ever suppressed me :P

6. I went to work on a Saturday
It was totally against my principles, but I had to. Had a report due on Monday. I also worked OT on Friday night. Thinking about it. I find that my manager is becoming more and more unreasonable. I find talking to her gut-wrenching. It really hurts. I need her advise and she'd give it to me, with a hint of what I feel is unneccesary information. I'd say... "I'm running out of time.. should I do A first, or B first." She'd say "I'd say A, but in the first place, today is not the day to be doing A" Excuse me, I don't need you to tell my that. If the circumstances didn't cause me to not finish A first, I wouldn't have to ask you this question. Why does she have to be such a cow?? Same to my leader. Cows!!! Sheepish cows!! I think sheepish cows are a good name for them. They're sheepish cos they are afraid of the bosses above, they all do the same thing, have the same attitude. And they are such cows. Sheepish cows!!!

7. I danced like my ass was on fire??!!
Went to Pure after the company's lame annual dinner yesterday night. My colleague brought us upstairs where it's Trance or maybe just dance music. I couldn't adapt at first. For the whole night, at some point, I always felt that it was hard to get into the music. Not enough expression in the music. I think I prefer R&B. But it's true that the mix of music they play downstairs are sometimes really "undanceable". So I just did my best... jumping, shaking, flinging my new short hair all over the place, moving in every way possible. People (including my colleagues) were looking at me. Some were a bit shocked. I kinda wonder if they think I am a good dancer, or I'm just one crazy bitch. But some of my colleagues joined me in my 2 hour long act of insanity. So I think I did pretty good. All I had was a sip of beer and 4 glasses of water. I went to the loo a lot. My compliments to Pure: Finally... a clean toilet with toilet paper!! Word up!! ;)

P.S. I wore flats for the first time. My legs did not get tired like they would if I wore heels and I felt more balanced, but it always feels and looks much sexier to dance on heels. Don't you think? I got to jump around and I think I overdid it cos my knees ached this morning. Hehe! People stepped on my nice white shoe with blue flowers. The whites are fine, but I can't clean the flower cos they're suede!!! I still can't decide... flats or heels?

7. It's good to be the me these days
At Pure, I ran into some ppl I knew long ago. Seniors, my neighbours clique and some friends from long ago. Some of these people didn't even recognise me and I think when they did, they were thinking... this girl was such a geek back then. And now... they're actually wanting to know my name cos I am not the same person anymore. This could be the only time I ever meet them and say hi. I know they are not people I will hang out with and I don't care about them. But it sure feels good to know that people view me differently these days ;)

So much for a quickie... hehe!

Abs!! Here I come!!!

At last!!! I have the key to reclaiming my flat tummy!! I really hope it works. Though I read this little sort of disclaimer in the little paper that comes in the box and it said, "It's no secret... to maintain a firm stomach all year round, you must also exercise, eat well and live healthy... and we encourage you to do so.". What the??!!! I bought this product with the illusion that I didn't have to sweat to get slim... and it better do that for me cos if I still need to exercise, I sure as hell don't need this product. Hmmmph!!

Word Up to Fluffy!

A little encouragement for Fluffy, my sister. Go ahead and take the job and try your best. If you succeed, just as what your lecturer had predicted, you’d have proven that you have the gift to be great and it will be a shiny little badge you can pin to your shoulder.

Don’t be daunted, like the way I am a lot of the times. You could regret you didn’t just go ahead and take a whack at it. You won’t know if you could crack it if you don’t whack it! Hehe! So lame!

Poor Little Sick Girl (It's My Time to Whine)

It be 6pm and I be using da MS Word blogging tool cos da dam Streamyx ain’t movin smoothly.

I am home today cos I had to see the Gastrologist about mein gastric problem. I was just told by my dearest WeeWee that I actually diagnosed myself rather than the doctor. I pretty much told the doctor what was wrong with me and I had an explanation for him for all my conditions. Well, I felt that I said all those stuff and felt I had to explain myself as I was waiting to be contradicted by the doctor. Then, I would know if something else, other than the condition I know I am in, is going on with my body. Anyway, he gave me 2 days MC and gave me 2 kinds of pills. Thank you for the 2 days of MC, but I don’t think the 2 kinds of pills would help unless they were magic pills. Nevertheless, let’s put them to the test. If I am rolling around in pain tomorrow morning, I will know that his medicine doesn’t work and the 2nd day MC was all part of his plan. Though he said that IF I was still not OK, I was to go back and see him, I think he has it all planned out for me to see him next week. He only gave me 1 week’s supply of pills. He better not tell me he wants to do a scope. I find it so intrusive and gross.

Meanwhile, I’m being a spoilt little girl with my grandma back in Melaka to take care of me. What can I say? I need the essential nutrients a sick person would require to get strong and healthy, home-cooked meals. Another plus would be that my grandma always hangs and collects the laundry. Hehe! When I feel a bit guilty, I’d help her. But I think she needs something to do to pass her days, so I let her do it. I take care of general cleaning such as dish washing, vacuuming and mopping the floor and washing my bathroom. Don’t forget, I bathe Mimi!!

I still can’t get the image of that fella at the vet’s cutting her nails. He was cutting like nobody’s business. I doubt he even checked before he cut. He made her bleed a little. I am so freaked out about her getting hurt from getting her nails cut. I really am. I shudder at the thought cos I think I almost cut her once. I did a whole round of cutting for her nails and decided that 1 of them was still too long. She has these blackened nails that are kinda hard to see where the vein are.. as I attempted to cut it, almost cutting into the nail, she sort of squealed and whimpered and pulled her paw away, so I stopped. Up till today, I suspect she was bluffing, but I wasn’t one who was gonna cause any bloodshed, so I developed this phobia of cutting her nails. I tried again last month and she did the squeal and whimper and I was pretty sure I was nowhere near cutting her vein, but I was just so traumatized by the last incident, so I kinda developed a phobia. From then on, I’ve decided that I shall let the vet deal with her. It’s only RM5; small price to pay to prevent the heartache. But seeing her getting her nails cut that day also caused heartache cos I was afraid that they wouldn’t be so kind with her. I dunno. End of the day, she needs to get her nails cut, cos some of her nails grow in a curve and dig into her flesh (happened before) and her nails chip. In future, I will just dump her in the room with the vet and wait outside. I wonder what the pain feels like. Will it equal the pain of getting the tips of our fingers cut off? Eww… Still, I hurt for her.

My job is giving me so much grief now. I’d like to say that I am being fickle and I could be feeling the same 5 months into my next job, but there are ppl throwing the towel after only 2-3 months of the job. So there you have it, I am not abnormal. This is a tough job and it’s hard to hang on. I know many ppl hang on cos they have no better job to go to or they need the income. There are a sprinkle who actually got used to the life and are thriving in the shitload of shitty work this job entails. I, for one, am hanging on by a thread. I could snap any moment. This job has caused me stress, sleepless nights, unstable emotions and gastric. There are so many more conditions I have now that I can blame on this job. This is inhumane work. Call the SPCA!!! Hehe! I dunno. Some ppl just get by and ppl like me will dwell on the whole situation. I dread my job. I am screwing up a day at a time now that I have removed the emotional attachment to the job. Can’t say I’m much happier. But I am definitely not as stressed as I used to be. Though in the long run, I am not gonna be proud of myself when all of it ends. Cos I can’t say that I have given 100% to my job. What do you think? Personal achievement versus sanity…

Finally... My turn...

You would all wonder why I didn't blog during CNY like most ppl (except for The Mindless One), since I had oodles and oodles of time then. I think it's because they were too busy enjoying and most did not have internet access back in their kampung. Hehe!

Anyway, sad to say, not much hype this new year. I think it's because I've aged another year, I didn't party every night for days in a row this year. Also because I lacked the company to go party. So we only made it to Pure once this year. I think it is crap that they force ppl to pay cover charge to go upstairs and listen to their crappy Trance music. I just want to go sit in those round chairs but RM50 is just not worth it!!

The number of ang paos I got this year were sadder. I got like RM500 and my sister got RM700. How did she get so much?? I suppose it just proves that I am less social and that's what I get for making far less pilgrimages to ppl's houses during new year. At least the ang paos covered the pay I lost for taking 4 days of unpaid leave, which would cost me about RM80/day x 4 days = RM360. Ouch!! This is making me super depressed.

Anyway, I'm on Medical Leave today. Was also on Medical Leave yesterday. Caught the bloody flu bug and cos I was so blur yesterday, I forgot to take my panadols together with my flu pills and antibiotics, my fever shot up to 39.1 degrees. It wasn't until I realised and took 2 panadols with my medicine, coupled with "gua sa", courtesy of Geof, that it slowly dropped to 37.1 (measured at 4.30am). Thinking that 37.1 was ok, I didn't take my panadols this morning and woke up with my temperature up to 37.7. I think I better keep taking every single pill prescribed until I am totally back to normal. Stupid doctor only gave me an MC for 1 day, had to go back yesterday evening to get another MC for today. Luckily it was a different doctor, or he may not have given me another MC. So stingy!!

As if being sick is not depressing enough, I think the reason I am not getting better quickly is because I dread going back to work. I just feel that the company is falling apart. Most people in my department only do enough to get by everyday. They can't seem to finish up or do anything properly so as to ensure that they won't have to redo it. I am also utterly disgusted with my immediate superior and one of the leaders. They are always so eager to please the managers above them that they never defend us (the worker ants). One of the managers said that we were to have trainings on Thurs till Sat, knowing that we have to check our shortages from Wed till Friday and we can never finish in 1 day. When I brought that up, the leader said something like "Try to finish it today (Wednesday). You never try you won't know". @$^%%%$#, seriously, what the hell!! What have we all been doing but to try and finish our work within 1 day. Who would not love to finish their work in 1 day?? Who would not love to go home each day with that sense of contentment, knowing that all their work have been done. She totally made it look like I had not been trying my best all this while. After the meeting had ajourned, she started to grumble like I did. I only raised the obvious case and everyone knows that it's true that we are on tight schedules on Thursdays and Fridays. Rather than being our voice, she submitted to the manager's demands. Then why the hell was she made a leader??? Leaders are not sheep!!

Furthermore, Mr. 9 Stars has been harassing me on a daily basis for status that he can check himself in the system. There is an updated, online system for him to look at but noooo... he has to get me to report to him personally. He even told me that I've been working for 3 months and thus should not ask him obvious questions like "Are we still running backlogs?". Then, same to you, Mr. 9 Stars, you have working experience of more than 10 years, you should not need to get me to report status to you. You should be able to see it yourself if you are so bloody capable. On top of delivering the status, should I make you coffee as well??

JanJan is being very aloof these days. She doesn't have this friendly tone when she speaks to me these days and I think she doesn't give a shit that I'm on MC cos she probably doesn't believe I am really sick. She didn't bother to set the notification that I was on MC like she would for everyone else. Or maybe she was too busy to do it. I just feel that she is pissed with me for some reason. Maybe it's because I didn't go back to work on 2nd Feb like she asked me to. I had all the right as I already applied to leave and it was already approved. So if I didn't want to go back, she can't do a damn thing. On the other hand, she was already grumpy before CNY. So I'll just think of it as her being stressed and unable to be civilise with people (or just me).

I really do hope that they terminate me once my probation ends, or if they are giving me an increment of only 10% and below, I am definitely going to leave. I expect 15% or more because I know I am worth that amount. I always finish my tasks. I am most familiar with the system and process flows, compared to the other new buyers. I catch on faster than anyone. Therefore, I feel that I deserve more than a fresh graduate's pay or a miniscule increment. Then again, even if they give me an increment, are they going to expect that I work harder in proportion to that increment? They had better not be. Also, this company has seriously crappy medical benefits. I suppose that it all explains itself, a company which does not have world class HR policies would not attract & should not expect world class employees. In the meantime, I am on a lookout for a new job. Any recommendations?

*UPDATE @ 11:28PM*
I coughed up some phleghm and it had blood in it. Eww!! I'm gonna die!!!