The big 'D' has reared it's ugly head :P

I hate having to report this... and I know I have never mentioned this much on my blog. But I think I need an outlet now... and this is the best place... where my friends can read what's going on with my life... and I know that in a way, I am being heard.

Before I start telling my long, long story... I have a few people I'd like to mention. Felicia, Kai Ling, Elaine and Eng Wei... thank you for talking to me. You don't don't know how all those times you spent listening to my cry, rant and complained have kept me together all this time. Lu and Mei Zee, I know you girls are busy, and I know you're both equally concerned about me. Thank you for caring :) My sister. We don't always see eye to eye, and I know you think I'm an air-headed flooze, but you will love me, and hug me when I need a person to cry to. I wuv you! My baby... you don't read my blog, but I want you to know that I really appreciate it when you try. You make me so happy even when it's just remembering to give me a smooch over the phone in the morning. Knowing that you are trying for us just keeps me going :D

First of all... what has happened? How did I get into this shit again? Sometimes... I really have no one to blame but myself. I overthink, I worry, I torture myself over the littlest things I've done that I think might have been mistakes... worst of all, I can just let things go, I can't just let things be. I'm impulsive by nature. Everyone who knows me knows that. While it's a useful trait sometimes, it's what causes me most of my troubles in other times.

So... for the past few days, I've been waking up at 8, on the dot, each morning. I didn't set an alarm. It's just automatic. I'd feel sick, tired, and I just can't explain the feeling of discontent or whatever it is. No amount of tossing and turning can fix it. So what did I do this morning? I woke up, made myself a drink, and tried to get myself to go wash up. But I was too tired. So I just tried to sleep for a bit more. I vomited twice, or was it 3 times. Same thing yesterday. I had to find someway to expel the accumulation of acid in my stomach, and I really can't see any other way. Don't worry... I'm not becoming bullimic.

Went to my mom before I went to work, and we had a talk. For once, she was supportive of the way I wanted to deal with my illness. I said I might see the doctor next week if I don't get better, and she agreed. In the past, she'd tell me to just pull myself together and get over it, but I guess maybe, after her own near breakdown episode, she realised that sometimes you just need help. You can't help being sick. I spoke to my aunt yesterday. She's a nurse in Australia. She explained to me that being depressed is not a mere problem of 'weak mind'. It's mostly because my brain may be lacking a certain enzyme that helps me deal with my stress, and because of that, I break down, because I can't handle it. In my case, my stomach is affected, and in turn it affects my appetite, my emotions, and my ability to function each day. Most people here would just tell you that you are not doing enough to make yourself happy, you're not trying not to think about the stuff that make you unhappy. Well... sometimes, I just get unhappy without thinking. It's like a switch. It turns on by itself, when I least expect it. I could be fine and happy now, and totally bothered and down within the next 5 minutes. I try cheering myself up, reminding myself that everything is fine, telling myself to relax and just let things unfold on their own... let life progress as it would... that I cannot control everything... not everything is supposed to go the way I want it to... sometimes this isn't enough.

I guess talking to people helps. But I can't be dependent on that. I need to learn to be alone with myself, my own thoughts... I'm too dependent on people. I know I am too dependent on my boyfriend... of course my girlfriends would support me and call him a jerk for not wanting to spend more time with me, but to be honest, he does. It's just that I expect him to spend every free minute with me, which is really irrational of me. He works so hard each day, he has his own truckload of issues, and the fact that he'd take a few evenings off each week, when he has no off days, to be with me, and listen to me talk about my issues; I think this is proof enough that he is trying to be there for me. He can't always answer my calls, or reply my texts, but as long as he remembers that he has a girlfriend, and finds time to make sure I'm well, shouldn't I be happy. He always asks me to inform him wherever I am, or just let him know what I'm doing. Even if he doesn't reply, I know that he cares, cos that's why he's asking me to tell him. I'm not settling for crumbs. I don't think I have even been one who settled for crumbs. If he ever starts to under-appreciate me, or god-forbid, ever betrays me... it would be so over. I may be nice, but I'm not a pushover.

Speaking of betrayal... back to my conversation with my mom. She thinks that maybe the business is too much for me, and she said that if it ever gets unbearable, I can always tell her, and we can look for ways to sell it, and I can find something else to do. My mother is giving me a chance to run away. Just as I have with all my other jobs. It's comforting to know that she would let me do this, but I think for now, I want to continue doing this, because I know I can. I just need to worry less about work. I think I do work hard enough... I just need to learn that I am allowed to take a break, especially when I'm sick. So for the next few weeks, I'm cutting back my working hours. I might even take a day off. I really need to learn to let go, and that I can't control everything :(

My mom also said something else. I love her for being worried about me, but sometimes, she should just keep these thoughts to herself. All my close friends know that my bf is younger than I am. Not just 1 or 2 years, but 5 years. But does age really matter? Sure he has some growing up to do, I've done my bit of growing up, but there is no reason to not be with someone just because they're not fully-developed :P To be honest, I don't think I'm all that mature either, and it's what makes us compatible... I think he has a much more mature take on life, while I have more knowledge on work, career and some other stuff... we help each other like that. He has made me a more giving person. I can admit that I used to be really selfish. It's always about how I felt and how I wanted things to be, and even though I do still act like that sometimes, but I realised that I'm doing it less these days. All the things I'm going through has made me a little more aware of people around me. Of course he still gets the bulk of my affection and consideration, I'm learning to give a little of it to others... bit by bit.

The other thing she said... she was worried he'd cheat on me and leave me for someone else, because he's young and good-looking. Yes... roll your eyes and say "What?" :P Everyone who knows him tells me he's never cheated, he's always been devoted. My mom said that it's because no girl has come onto him yet. That got me thinking. He's really courteous to strangers. It does worry me sometimes that he'd give other girls the wrong idea. But he's told me time and time again... he never looks at anyone else. He thinks that girls these days just want a man with money. True... money he hasn't got a lot of now... but some girls are willing to settle for a guy with a secure job and wait for him to get rich, and it really doesn't hurt that he's such a looker. He thinks that girls these days aren't so patient. Sometimes I feel that he's just comforting me, or lying to himself :P To the public, I think that most people feel that he is doing well, and hence, the bees may just decide to come to the honey. Yes... situations may change people... maybe being exposed to the public where he is working now will change him, but I believe that love and loyalty will keep us together. If there is anything he hates, is being betrayed. So even if the hottest, most echanting girl should come onto him, I trust him to remember that he loves me, has me, and all the things we've been through together is not worth giving up over some slut :P Sure I'm always gonna worry... but if everyone worried like my mom does, and avoid relationships with people or dump people before they get a chance to be dumped, there'll be no more couples left in this world, who's gonna get married? There'll be no more romance in this world T_T A friend of mine posted on Facebook "To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing." I totally agree... So... if the worse ever happens, I can only tell myself that it was not meant to be, and I can always do better. Right? I think I'm still pretty hot ^_^

But... thank you Mom for being there for me today... and for supporting me... I love you. You really need to stop worrying about me and my bf, and you need to stop planting seeds of doubt in my head. Already I'm always so worried about everything, it's really not helping that you tell me such negative what-ifs. Soooo not helping. I wish you could take back these words... :( I wish you could just be happy that I am happy now, and just let me live my life. At least my personal life...

I think I just have a lot of issues... and I always expect things to get better by tomorrow. That's why I always feel dejected when things have not improved, be it my love life, or work life, or even this illness. There is truth in the phrase "just take things easy". I hate it when people tell me that, as if it were a cure-all, but in a way, I do need to take it easy, and let things work out on their own. My relationship with my bf is not gonna improve if I don't learn that everyone needs space and some time alone, and my work life is not gonna improve if I don't learn that I don't have to tie myself to the shop and feel responsible for everything that happens.

I tell everyone that I don't give a damn each day, but I do. I tell everyone that I'll be here to take over everything the day everyone quits, but I'm deathly afraid of when that day comes. This shop was my dad's dream, because he wanted to keep our family together, I guess that's why I feel obligated to keep doing this, not matter how difficult it will become. I need to survive. If I've bounced back before, I am gonna bounce back again. I just need time, and I need to give myself time.

So for now... just lots of deep breaths and positive thinking. There are many things looking up for me, I just need to learn to appreciate them as they come. Really looking forward to see Kai Ling & Hazel next week :D I hope you girls make it. Can't wait to give you both big, big hugs :D

I LOVE YOU ALL... I REALLY DO... I'm sorry if I have ever seemed distant or as if I've forgotten my friends. I do think of you, but I just never really found the time or made the effort to show it. Bad of me... but... :( Yea... I'm bad... but you love me still :D Hehe! Right?

P.S. Thanks Dad for always giving me everything. But you really need to stop being biased. I love you too!