Why?

I would say that I have no time to blog. But in actual fact, I have no words to describe my life now. That is why I've not been blogging.

I left Melaka for Singapore, thinking that I could finally chase my dreams and lead a life that was worthwhile and fulfilling. I was wrong. I could... of course I could... you can too, but my mind is not strong enough for all this.

I cannot get used to living here. For one... living away from home is horrible. I miss my room. I miss the familiar convenience of Melaka. No matter how shiny and glittery Singapore is, it cannot compare to my home. I miss space. I miss simplicity. I miss the good things in a small town. I miss my old life.

Before I came, the bigger motivation was to be with Geof. I couldn't stand living apart anymore, and I told myself that it would be better for us to be together. What's more... I could pursue my interests in Singapore; music, dance... whatever it is I wanted to study. What I'd forgotten was that moving out here meant taking care of myself, and taking care of myself meant that I had less energy to pursue my interests.

GASTRITIS... the biggest hinderance in my life. My weak mind had given in to this illness. What started as an illness caused by irregular meals has become a condition that has now dictated my life. I am bloated all day. I wake up every morning in pain because of hunger. Nothing placates my stomach. Whatever I ate feels like nothing. Before I sat down to write this, I'd eaten a bowl of porridge. It felt as if I'd just drank a cup of water. Nothing more.

I've given up so many foods... given up my life... I loved eating, and I still do, but these days, I lose my appetite because I am reminded of all the things I should not eat, and all the things that I miss from back home. I worry myself sick about everything I put in my mouth... wondering how it will affect me the next morning. Sometimes I wish I could say "To hell with this..." and eat a bowl of curry. Sometimes I just wish I'd die... then I wouldn't have to torture myself like this anymore. But is it worth dying just because I cannot eat curry, nasi lemak, fried foods... basically all the good stuff other than plain old noodles in soup?

I'm tired. I had been sleepless the past weeks, and the doctor tells me that my lack of sleep is affecting my immune system. That's why I'd been feeling cold every night... I go to bed wearing 2 shirts, long pants and thick socks. The air conditioner is NOT turned on. I'm sleeping a little better now, since I saw the doctor, but once I fix something, my mind comes up with something else for me to fret about.

I hate going to work. I don't have colleagues I can yak to all day. We eat the same boring shit for lunch, and everyone at the office is just so... quiet... I think people actually think that I'm a reserved person at work... I am not myself... I want to be myself. I want to look forward to going to work because I will have a good time. But my sister said "Who likes going to work?" I am pretty sure the people who do like their work would tell you that it makes you feel different... and that it's so much more rewarding to have a happy work environment.

Geof asked me... so are you giving up now? Are you giving up on yourself? Do you just want to go home since this is obviously not working out? I'm not giving up, and I don't want to just go home because I had a reason to be here. I wanted a different life... for 1 year, 2 years or 3 years... I want to live that life...

But where will I find the strength now? Where will I find the will to move forward? Am I letting my self-pity get the better of me?