이계~ 또~ 뭐냐고!!!

My health and my life seems to be forever entertwined. Whenever one is threatening to fuck up, the other just follows like a twin...

My doctor just asked me to go for a scope... I have been dreading that I'd have to do another one again. It's not like the last one helped at all. None of the scopes I did led to me getting the right treatment and getting cured. Why would this one be any different? I'm starting to lose faith in being able to get better.

As for my love life. I have no love life. I have no life. Every day I work at a company where I am hardly enthusiastic about. It used to feel fulfilling, but slowly it lost its meaning. Now that there is a very high chance that here will be no increment or bonus, it's made it even more meaningless to work there.

Love... I am beginning to think it's a sorry excuse to feel like you own someone or belong to someone. The fact that in todays' liberal society, no one can own anyone. You can feel like you're a part of each other today, but maybe next week you can decide that your relationship isn't working out. I believe that marriage is for life, but I find it hard to trust that people out there feel the same too. So what do I want now? I just want to be happy. I just want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. And how do I do that? Money. But what do I not have? Money. So what should I work towards now? Money.

I am not a materialistic person. But I am realistic in that I believe having money just makes everything else easier to deal with, cos money is the biggest worry on everyone's minds these days.

If only I can think like that all the time. If only my heart and mind would stop betraying me.

How far will I go?

People always say, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder...". It's never true for me.

I am more of an "out of sight, out of mind" person. So if you want to keep my attention. Stay close, and stay in contact. Otherwise, count your buttons that I'm gonna forget you, and wipe you out of my life :)

From now on, if anyone hurts me, I will make sure I distance myself, until they disappear from my life entirely. I knew that I had this ability in me, to make all bad things disappear (except chronic gastric problems :P). But I wasn't reminded and reassured until I read this article my sister posted on my FB wall...

http://blissfullotus.wordpress.com/2009/08/28/sagittarius-hurt/

It's brilliant. I never realised I was this weak, and how I could easily turn strong too. But now I do. And I will try my utmost to keep at it. RAWR!!! ^_^

I choose LOVE! :)

I was just browsing through FB, and the song that I blogged about the other day, Lee Sora's 'It Stops Now'... I decided, I am a non-believer.

I heard the song, and I just thought about it a bit more, then I started tweeting my thoughts, and it just became clear.

The song is about all the negativity of love, about regret and about pain. I asked myself, 'Why am I addicted to love?', and the answer was quite simple. I treasure the happiness I get from being in love. I would give so much to just feel happy, because all I want is to be happy. I don't really care about the bad times that happened or will come. I focus on the excitement and joy that comes with loving someone and being with them.

Which brought me to the decision that anyone who actually believes love is all pain and trouble would not be the right person for me. Because when I love, I just want us to be happy together all the time. Maybe in doing so, I put so much pressure on myself and the person I love to make things work. But in the end, wouldn't you smile just remembering the great date you had, the way you felt when you held each other's hands, when you hugged, when you kissed, and you just took the time to be next to each other. When you are focused on that happiness, you forget the pains and unhappiness of the last quarrel you had. Cos honestly, who wants to dwell on shit that happened? We'd so much rather move on and chase the next laughter and emotional high.

Yes, we all have some irrational fears... mine is being totally dumped out of the blue... no explanation... and the person disappears out of my life. It haunts me till this day. Those who think I am too trusting, in actual fact, I don't trust anyone, I just keep wanting to, and keep wishing to be able to trust someone, but I always suspect they'd just abandon me someday. So I try so hard, to the point that maybe I smother the person I am with.

It's hard to be a person who operates on totally opposite extremes. I am either totally stuck, or totally indifferent. I wish I could find a middle ground, but I'm still unable to. So for now, the only way I can get rid of my feelings for anything, is to totally let go.

I'm totally biding my time now. Waiting for that switch in my head to just flip, and I'm gone... I'll just leave from then on... and we may never meet again. Just thinking about it makes me sad, but if it comes to that. If I think that I'm going to hurt myself too much in the long run, I will have to cut those ties.

I don't plan to ever clearly lay out my feelings for that person, because I think he knows how I feel, and he's clearly not ready to feel the same way. And maybe... maybe he really just isn't the right person for me. So all I can say is that I hope he will find happiness eventually, and live without regret. I want to start living without regret.

I don't know how much I mean it when I say "I love you..." But I know it always sounds good to hear it, and to say it. For me, these 3 words say so much. To some people, it's a burden to hear it. But for me, when I hear these words, I just feel I have everything I need, because here is a person who loves me... and with love, perhaps everything will be alright. I wish...

What you mean to me...

I know the first day of the new year had just passed, but I still feel like rambling. So here goes...

At this point of time, I still wonder. What do you mean to me? Is your presence so important to me? Can I make it through my coming days without you? Do I still wanna hold your hand? Do I still want to feel your warmth next to me? Do I still want to kiss you? Do I still long for you to hold me in your arms?

So many questions swirling around in my head as I keep peeking at the imaginary knife I have in it's imaginary sheath. Should I cut those strings, cut us loose from each other? Should I continue to hold on to us? Whatever we have now, I suspect I'd be settling if I went for it, and yet, I can't let go. Something keeps telling me it's not time...

My gut is telling me to continue riding this wave... until I find my balance. When I do, it will be a great achievement. If I don't, I really don't know what comes next. But honestly, I feel more comfortable seeing this through than just letting it go.

But for me to succeed, the most basic thing I need to get used to is to not be affected by you. Honestly, I don't see why I should be affected by you. But I am. Your words, your actions, your expressions... I read so much into them... then again, I do that with anyone I know. So in actual fact, it doesn't make you that special. But because you are closer to me now than most people I know, it is able to affect me at a greater magnitude.

The best thing I feel I can do now, from now on, is to smile, and not be bothered by the things that happen between us. I should just be myself. In the meantime, my heart and mind should continue to harden, as I forge a new strength to become a new person. A person who will no longer be affected by anyone ever again.

Planning to Fail?

While I am making headway in understanding the Korean language, speaking is still tough for me. Really need to work on it. These thoughts aside. Someone introduced me to this song, there were no subs available, but I slowly understood after reading the lyrics. Lee Sora's 'It Stops Now'.



Maybe that's not the exact translation of the title, but this is how I will interpret it. The song is about not wanting to ever be with this person again after breaking up. I guess it does describe 1 of my relationships; I regret being the fool, why was I like that, my life is better now, I've forgotten you, I will never go back, it was difficult and painful for me, and I doing this for myself now. I really feel the same way about that one relationship, and the song describes it perfectly.

But when I listen to this song, I'd feel like crying. In some way, I feel I may redo all these stupid things whenever I loved someone. An ex-boyfriend once told me, he was worried for me if we broke up. I didn't really take his words to heart then, but hearing it from someone else recently made me realise. I had all these weaknesses that made me easy-game for anyone who wanted to take advantage of me. This disease of being myself made it simple enough for my heart to be stolen without a fight, and in the process, I get hurt.

I realised since I left the safety of his side, that concerned ex-boyfriend, I have repeatedly been scarred. I've been too complacent and trusting, and I believed that I would have nothing to fear from others, but I guess I was wrong. But of course not just anyone could come close in that way, for those who actually think I am THAT easy. Those I do not want near me will never get near me, but those that I let past the gates, those are the ones I need to be wary of. So those whom I had let past those gates, with them, I let my guard down, so much that I became an open target, and it was up to them if they wanted to take the shot; to catch me or to hurt me.

Sometimes I wonder how my heart and mind operated. I continue to be fooled by both into thinking that the rest of the world was as good as I expected them to be. Even when deep inside me I felt someone wasn't treating me right, I continue to give them opportunities... to keep mistreating me.

I feel in this past year, I have met so many people by chance... these people came into my life without be expecting it, and they have taken up a huge space in it. It confused me, and it misled me for awhile, but I'm slowly coming to terms with what we are, and I am learning to appreciate it for whatever it is. It will get better :)

So my new year resolution, is to stop hurting myself. I still don't know how I'm going to do it, but I will try my best. I'll still cry from my frustrations, I'll still feel lonely because there is no one to hold my hand and hug me when I'm sad. But I will do my best to keep strengthening my character. For those who will miss the old me, you should've held on to her when you had the chance.

Where do we go from here?

At this point, I know this is nothing near to being in love. This attraction, infatuation, dependency... and the comfort I get from knowing you are there. It's weird. Even if you don't respond whenever we're not face to face... and you repeatedly convince yourself that we can never be together, somehow I feel, we still want something from each other. It may fizzle out within a year, or it may end up lasting a lifetime, we won't know until we try. But for now, the fears inside us are too great, that we keep pushing each other away, mentally.

Where do we go from here?

In my mind, scenes of our time together keep replaying. I try to pick something bad out of the scene, but unfortunately, none so far... How do you ignore good memories? How do you forsake goodfeelings? How do you let what could possibly be love pass you by?

I suppose in our will to survive, we can, and we will. We'll keep doing this, pushing aside those thoughts, until one day, we decide that we need to let each other go, or perhaps...never let go...

Upgrade to v28.0

Sleepless night~ maybe the ongoing age upgrade made me restless last night. It funny how a significant day in your life can be a turning point just like that. The events of yesterday leading up till today made me realise a lot of things.

It's been a long year. It passed by quickly, but so much has happened, and I have achieved and done so much in this short time. However in all the glitter of my small achievements, there are those moments and things that still weigh me down, like finding lumps of coal in your Christmas stocking. But if I were to reflect on my year, I'd say I did pretty well:

1. I have a stable albeit questionably shitty job that pays adequately.
Note that I used 'adequate' because I don't think I'm being paid well enough for the things I have to put up with or if I compared my salary to my colleagues'.

2. I've completed 1 year of Korean lessons.
TOPIK cert in my hands now, but I'm not happy with the results. I feel I can keep doing better, and even though I have stopped going to classes, I feel that I am working on it and improving slowly. My goal now is to improve in terms of speaking Korean. Need to figure out how though :(

3. I went to Korea
1 really big dream fulfilled. Realised it's not so difficult to go there in the first place. So much that I am planning to go again next year, every year, if possible. Sure... I'll probably just spend my days there shopping and catching up with friends, but I feel great just doing that :)

4. Started dancing again
Popping is really not my forte, but I am seriously considering on taking up Popping II. I really need to buck up and master all those basics :( Then I should also take up some other genre. Whaacking? Krumping? No matter how everything changes in my life, I still find joy in music and dance. I should definitely try to maintain this in my life.

5. Made new friends
While I still question the existence of some of these people in my life, I'm pretty happy to have the rest around me. There are the eclectic few with whom I share a great connection with, and I am glad they are my friends now. Even though we've not known each other for long, they are now a big part of me.

6. Figured out a new way to earn $$
There were many times I wished that I had that extra $100, but it cannot be possible without a part time job or winning the lottery. I finally found something I could do to earn that money. Teach Korean. I can hear all those native Korean teachers pooh-pooh-ing me for this, and even those students who would snub me because I am a local. But I feel that me having found an effective way to learn Korean and translating it to something that local students can understand is valuable. During my Korean classes, there were so many times I felt the teacher was unable to explain something adequately due to the language and cultural barrier. However due to my interest in the language, I eventually found a way to understand and explain things to myself. These methods are what I believe can help me teach those who want to learn from me.

7. I have awesome friends and family
My girls more than 300km away from me. No matter what happens, I know they love me and have my back. Just wished we were a little closer. My family isn't perfect, but its a blessing to have them always. Even when they make me wanna tear out my hair.

In the year ahead, I think I am still looking for the same things. To earn more $$$, to have someone to love, and to keep chasing my dreams of mastering the Korean language and perhaps move to another country... I really hope the year ahead will keep changing for the better...

난 네한테 뭐니?

What am I to you?

I'm supposed to be focusing on work starting today, and yet here I am focusing on this sudden feeling of sadness. I went to bed tired and feeling I had somewhat accomplished something this weekend. When I woke up this morning, I felt fine. But all of the sudden, I'm reminded of the farewell yesterday. I will probably need time to get over this feeling of loss. In a way, he's still so near me. It would only be a bus ride if I wanted to see him once more before he went too far for me to reach him, and I would then have to wait till next year. Meeting him again reminded me of what can never be, at the same time, it still gave me hope because I know in some way, I still felt the same about him. But I guess this is how anyone would feel about a person who has never hurt them. You have no reason to hate them, to give up on them... you just keep waiting for that opportunity for things to begin. But deep inside, I know that it would probably always be this way. It's like ahead of me, I could see perfect weather, but dark clouds were always lurking around.

What of the other one... the one who confused me the most. At least I knew where I stood with... I think it's time to code name people... let's call the first one Jae, and the 2nd one Brian. So... at least I knew where I stood with Jae. He has a way of reminding me that we may never progress further than this, but at the same time, he makes me feel that he cares for me as a friend, as a person. Whereas Brian, at this point all I know of our relationship is from speculation. Officially, we are friends. Nothing more. But the vibes he's been giving recently is just plain confusing, and everyone I know has translated it into jealousy. He has always been nice and we're also unusually close when we meet and talk. But somehow, talking to him has always been somewhat more fun than with Jae. Cos maybe while me and Jae do have our jokes and all, it never feels childish. With Brian, its very often cute, and fun. I don't know how much he cares about me cos I've only seen that attentive side whenever we meet face to face.

Hot and cold... hot and cold... I hate this feeling. I hate being unsure of where I stand in people's lives. Even friends. Am I a good friend? Am I just someone you talk to out of politeness? Pick a role. Put me in a box, classify me, categorize me, label me... I just hate being nondescript...

My life is a K-Drama...

Would anyone like a cameo role in it?

At this point, it feels like it never happened. But the remnants of him having been in my personal space are reminding me that yes… it happened, he came to Singapore!

A little less than 27 hours; that’s all the time we had from yesterday till today. I used every ounce of energy I had from yesterday till today to cover as much of ‘Singapore’ as we could. By the end of today, I was totally drained, but happy. However, as the hours and minutes ticked closer to 6pm, and the realisation that he was about to leave and I wasn’t going to see him again for a long, long time hit me, I started to get a bit emo.

I’m beginning to think that the reason he bought me Merryan (my new stuffed porcupine) was because he was trying to cheer me up. But I’m still touched that he bought me a present. I will definitely make the time to go to MBS to get him that chip I promised him before I go to Seoul next May! ^_^

Anyway, we said our farewell, and we hugged. He’d already told me not to cry earlier when he realised I was starting to get moody. I waved at him as he got on the bus, when he got to his seat and flashed me thumbs up, probably telling me the bus was alright. Then I finally turned to walk away. The tears prickled my eyes as I did, and I turned back again to look at him. He was checked his phone as he sat down, so I turned around and continued walking. More tears. I went to the toilet, and cried. Calmed down, then went to sit outside Vivocity, facing the sea, and cried some more. More tears on the bus ride home, but by the time I got to my door, the tears had stopped.

I realised I no longer had this stoned lodged in my chest when I thought of him. Was that a “break up” crying session? I had that feeling that I was waiting for something from him. Somehow I know that whenever he appeared in front of me, I would always treat him with adoration, but when he was out of sight, it was slowly becoming easy to put him out of mind too; until I had to face him again. In short, I will always be sad that if I ever lose the relationship I have with him. The closeness we share is really something out of the ordinary. But I suppose perhaps one day, I will come to terms with it.

Meanwhile… what should I do with you? You’re confusing me more than ever. What do you want from me? If you don’t tell me soon, I may have to start putting you out of my mind too, cos right now, I care too much about how you feel and what you’re thinking… >_<