And they call me CRAZY... >_<

I choose LOVE! :)

2012-01-02T16:17:00.001+08:00

I was just browsing through FB, and the song that I blogged about the other day, Lee Sora's 'It Stops Now'... I decided, I am a non-believer.

I heard the song, and I just thought about it a bit more, then I started tweeting my thoughts, and it just became clear.

The song is about all the negativity of love, about regret and about pain. I asked myself, 'Why am I addicted to love?', and the answer was quite simple. I treasure the happiness I get from being in love. I would give so much to just feel happy, because all I want is to be happy. I don't really care about the bad times that happened or will come. I focus on the excitement and joy that comes with loving someone and being with them.

Which brought me to the decision that anyone who actually believes love is all pain and trouble would not be the right person for me. Because when I love, I just want us to be happy together all the time. Maybe in doing so, I put so much pressure on myself and the person I love to make things work. But in the end, wouldn't you smile just remembering the great date you had, the way you felt when you held each other's hands, when you hugged, when you kissed, and you just took the time to be next to each other. When you are focused on that happiness, you forget the pains and unhappiness of the last quarrel you had. Cos honestly, who wants to dwell on shit that happened? We'd so much rather move on and chase the next laughter and emotional high.

Yes, we all have some irrational fears... mine is being totally dumped out of the blue... no explanation... and the person disappears out of my life. It haunts me till this day. Those who think I am too trusting, in actual fact, I don't trust anyone, I just keep wanting to, and keep wishing to be able to trust someone, but I always suspect they'd just abandon me someday. So I try so hard, to the point that maybe I smother the person I am with.

It's hard to be a person who operates on totally opposite extremes. I am either totally stuck, or totally indifferent. I wish I could find a middle ground, but I'm still unable to. So for now, the only way I can get rid of my feelings for anything, is to totally let go.

I'm totally biding my time now. Waiting for that switch in my head to just flip, and I'm gone... I'll just leave from then on... and we may never meet again. Just thinking about it makes me sad, but if it comes to that. If I think that I'm going to hurt myself too much in the long run, I will have to cut those ties.

I don't plan to ever clearly lay out my feelings for that person, because I think he knows how I feel, and he's clearly not ready to feel the same way. And maybe... maybe he really just isn't the right person for me. So all I can say is that I hope he will find happiness eventually, and live without regret. I want to start living without regret.

I don't know how much I mean it when I say "I love you..." But I know it always sounds good to hear it, and to say it. For me, these 3 words say so much. To some people, it's a burden to hear it. But for me, when I hear these words, I just feel I have everything I need, because here is a person who loves me... and with love, perhaps everything will be alright. I wish...

What you mean to me...

2012-01-02T01:43:00.000+08:00

I know the first day of the new year had just passed, but I still feel like rambling. So here goes...

At this point of time, I still wonder. What do you mean to me? Is your presence so important to me? Can I make it through my coming days without you? Do I still wanna hold your hand? Do I still want to feel your warmth next to me? Do I still want to kiss you? Do I still long for you to hold me in your arms?

So many questions swirling around in my head as I keep peeking at the imaginary knife I have in it's imaginary sheath. Should I cut those strings, cut us loose from each other? Should I continue to hold on to us? Whatever we have now, I suspect I'd be settling if I went for it, and yet, I can't let go. Something keeps telling me it's not time...

My gut is telling me to continue riding this wave... until I find my balance. When I do, it will be a great achievement. If I don't, I really don't know what comes next. But honestly, I feel more comfortable seeing this through than just letting it go.

But for me to succeed, the most basic thing I need to get used to is to not be affected by you. Honestly, I don't see why I should be affected by you. But I am. Your words, your actions, your expressions... I read so much into them... then again, I do that with anyone I know. So in actual fact, it doesn't make you that special. But because you are closer to me now than most people I know, it is able to affect me at a greater magnitude.

The best thing I feel I can do now, from now on, is to smile, and not be bothered by the things that happen between us. I should just be myself. In the meantime, my heart and mind should continue to harden, as I forge a new strength to become a new person. A person who will no longer be affected by anyone ever again.

Planning to Fail?

2011-12-31T20:42:00.000+08:00

While I am making headway in understanding the Korean language, speaking is still tough for me. Really need to work on it. These thoughts aside. Someone introduced me to this song, there were no subs available, but I slowly understood after reading the lyrics. Lee Sora's 'It Stops Now'.

Maybe that's not the exact translation of the title, but this is how I will interpret it. The song is about not wanting to ever be with this person again after breaking up. I guess it does describe 1 of my relationships; I regret being the fool, why was I like that, my life is better now, I've forgotten you, I will never go back, it was difficult and painful for me, and I doing this for myself now. I really feel the same way about that one relationship, and the song describes it perfectly.

But when I listen to this song, I'd feel like crying. In some way, I feel I may redo all these stupid things whenever I loved someone. An ex-boyfriend once told me, he was worried for me if we broke up. I didn't really take his words to heart then, but hearing it from someone else recently made me realise. I had all these weaknesses that made me easy-game for anyone who wanted to take advantage of me. This disease of being myself made it simple enough for my heart to be stolen without a fight, and in the process, I get hurt.

I realised since I left the safety of his side, that concerned ex-boyfriend, I have repeatedly been scarred. I've been too complacent and trusting, and I believed that I would have nothing to fear from others, but I guess I was wrong. But of course not just anyone could come close in that way, for those who actually think I am THAT easy. Those I do not want near me will never get near me, but those that I let past the gates, those are the ones I need to be wary of. So those whom I had let past those gates, with them, I let my guard down, so much that I became an open target, and it was up to them if they wanted to take the shot; to catch me or to hurt me.

Sometimes I wonder how my heart and mind operated. I continue to be fooled by both into thinking that the rest of the world was as good as I expected them to be. Even when deep inside me I felt someone wasn't treating me right, I continue to give them opportunities... to keep mistreating me.

I feel in this past year, I have met so many people by chance... these people came into my life without be expecting it, and they have taken up a huge space in it. It confused me, and it misled me for awhile, but I'm slowly coming to terms with what we are, and I am learning to appreciate it for whatever it is. It will get better :)

So my new year resolution, is to stop hurting myself. I still don't know how I'm going to do it, but I will try my best. I'll still cry from my frustrations, I'll still feel lonely because there is no one to hold my hand and hug me when I'm sad. But I will do my best to keep strengthening my character. For those who will miss the old me, you should've held on to her when you had the chance.

Where do we go from here?

2011-12-29T19:14:00.000+08:00

At this point, I know this is nothing near to being in love. This attraction, infatuation, dependency... and the comfort I get from knowing you are there. It's weird. Even if you don't respond whenever we're not face to face... and you repeatedly convince yourself that we can never be together, somehow I feel, we still want something from each other. It may fizzle out within a year, or it may end up lasting a lifetime, we won't know until we try. But for now, the fears inside us are too great, that we keep pushing each other away, mentally.

Where do we go from here?

In my mind, scenes of our time together keep replaying. I try to pick something bad out of the scene, but unfortunately, none so far... How do you ignore good memories? How do you forsake goodfeelings? How do you let what could possibly be love pass you by?

I suppose in our will to survive, we can, and we will. We'll keep doing this, pushing aside those thoughts, until one day, we decide that we need to let each other go, or perhaps...never let go...

Upgrade to v28.0

2011-12-14T10:33:00.000+08:00

Sleepless night~ maybe the ongoing age upgrade made me restless last night. It funny how a significant day in your life can be a turning point just like that. The events of yesterday leading up till today made me realise a lot of things.

It's been a long year. It passed by quickly, but so much has happened, and I have achieved and done so much in this short time. However in all the glitter of my small achievements, there are those moments and things that still weigh me down, like finding lumps of coal in your Christmas stocking. But if I were to reflect on my year, I'd say I did pretty well:

1. I have a stable albeit questionably shitty job that pays adequately.
Note that I used 'adequate' because I don't think I'm being paid well enough for the things I have to put up with or if I compared my salary to my colleagues'.

2. I've completed 1 year of Korean lessons.
TOPIK cert in my hands now, but I'm not happy with the results. I feel I can keep doing better, and even though I have stopped going to classes, I feel that I am working on it and improving slowly. My goal now is to improve in terms of speaking Korean. Need to figure out how though :(

3. I went to Korea
1 really big dream fulfilled. Realised it's not so difficult to go there in the first place. So much that I am planning to go again next year, every year, if possible. Sure... I'll probably just spend my days there shopping and catching up with friends, but I feel great just doing that :)

4. Started dancing again
Popping is really not my forte, but I am seriously considering on taking up Popping II. I really need to buck up and master all those basics :( Then I should also take up some other genre. Whaacking? Krumping? No matter how everything changes in my life, I still find joy in music and dance. I should definitely try to maintain this in my life.

5. Made new friends
While I still question the existence of some of these people in my life, I'm pretty happy to have the rest around me. There are the eclectic few with whom I share a great connection with, and I am glad they are my friends now. Even though we've not known each other for long, they are now a big part of me.

6. Figured out a new way to earn $$
There were many times I wished that I had that extra $100, but it cannot be possible without a part time job or winning the lottery. I finally found something I could do to earn that money. Teach Korean. I can hear all those native Korean teachers pooh-pooh-ing me for this, and even those students who would snub me because I am a local. But I feel that me having found an effective way to learn Korean and translating it to something that local students can understand is valuable. During my Korean classes, there were so many times I felt the teacher was unable to explain something adequately due to the language and cultural barrier. However due to my interest in the language, I eventually found a way to understand and explain things to myself. These methods are what I believe can help me teach those who want to learn from me.

7. I have awesome friends and family
My girls more than 300km away from me. No matter what happens, I know they love me and have my back. Just wished we were a little closer. My family isn't perfect, but its a blessing to have them always. Even when they make me wanna tear out my hair.

In the year ahead, I think I am still looking for the same things. To earn more $$$, to have someone to love, and to keep chasing my dreams of mastering the Korean language and perhaps move to another country... I really hope the year ahead will keep changing for the better...

난 네한테 뭐니?

2011-12-12T21:13:00.000+08:00

What am I to you?

I'm supposed to be focusing on work starting today, and yet here I am focusing on this sudden feeling of sadness. I went to bed tired and feeling I had somewhat accomplished something this weekend. When I woke up this morning, I felt fine. But all of the sudden, I'm reminded of the farewell yesterday. I will probably need time to get over this feeling of loss. In a way, he's still so near me. It would only be a bus ride if I wanted to see him once more before he went too far for me to reach him, and I would then have to wait till next year. Meeting him again reminded me of what can never be, at the same time, it still gave me hope because I know in some way, I still felt the same about him. But I guess this is how anyone would feel about a person who has never hurt them. You have no reason to hate them, to give up on them... you just keep waiting for that opportunity for things to begin. But deep inside, I know that it would probably always be this way. It's like ahead of me, I could see perfect weather, but dark clouds were always lurking around.

What of the other one... the one who confused me the most. At least I knew where I stood with... I think it's time to code name people... let's call the first one Jae, and the 2nd one Brian. So... at least I knew where I stood with Jae. He has a way of reminding me that we may never progress further than this, but at the same time, he makes me feel that he cares for me as a friend, as a person. Whereas Brian, at this point all I know of our relationship is from speculation. Officially, we are friends. Nothing more. But the vibes he's been giving recently is just plain confusing, and everyone I know has translated it into jealousy. He has always been nice and we're also unusually close when we meet and talk. But somehow, talking to him has always been somewhat more fun than with Jae. Cos maybe while me and Jae do have our jokes and all, it never feels childish. With Brian, its very often cute, and fun. I don't know how much he cares about me cos I've only seen that attentive side whenever we meet face to face.

Hot and cold... hot and cold... I hate this feeling. I hate being unsure of where I stand in people's lives. Even friends. Am I a good friend? Am I just someone you talk to out of politeness? Pick a role. Put me in a box, classify me, categorize me, label me... I just hate being nondescript...

My life is a K-Drama...

2011-12-12T00:10:00.000+08:00

Would anyone like a cameo role in it?

At this point, it feels like it never happened. But the remnants of him having been in my personal space are reminding me that yes… it happened, he came to Singapore!

A little less than 27 hours; that’s all the time we had from yesterday till today. I used every ounce of energy I had from yesterday till today to cover as much of ‘Singapore’ as we could. By the end of today, I was totally drained, but happy. However, as the hours and minutes ticked closer to 6pm, and the realisation that he was about to leave and I wasn’t going to see him again for a long, long time hit me, I started to get a bit emo.

I’m beginning to think that the reason he bought me Merryan (my new stuffed porcupine) was because he was trying to cheer me up. But I’m still touched that he bought me a present. I will definitely make the time to go to MBS to get him that chip I promised him before I go to Seoul next May! ^_^

Anyway, we said our farewell, and we hugged. He’d already told me not to cry earlier when he realised I was starting to get moody. I waved at him as he got on the bus, when he got to his seat and flashed me thumbs up, probably telling me the bus was alright. Then I finally turned to walk away. The tears prickled my eyes as I did, and I turned back again to look at him. He was checked his phone as he sat down, so I turned around and continued walking. More tears. I went to the toilet, and cried. Calmed down, then went to sit outside Vivocity, facing the sea, and cried some more. More tears on the bus ride home, but by the time I got to my door, the tears had stopped.

I realised I no longer had this stoned lodged in my chest when I thought of him. Was that a “break up” crying session? I had that feeling that I was waiting for something from him. Somehow I know that whenever he appeared in front of me, I would always treat him with adoration, but when he was out of sight, it was slowly becoming easy to put him out of mind too; until I had to face him again. In short, I will always be sad that if I ever lose the relationship I have with him. The closeness we share is really something out of the ordinary. But I suppose perhaps one day, I will come to terms with it.

Meanwhile… what should I do with you? You’re confusing me more than ever. What do you want from me? If you don’t tell me soon, I may have to start putting you out of my mind too, cos right now, I care too much about how you feel and what you’re thinking… >_<

I can't feel a thing~

2011-12-07T21:00:00.001+08:00

Today's keyword is "numb". I'm starting to feel numb from these onslaughts of emotions. I'm getting sick of crying because I'm frustrated with my mind; how it wonders and thinks and imagines and wishes... all for nothing. Maybe I am quick to judge. Sometimes I get proven wrong within the next hour. But one thing's for sure... I have definitely been put on probation!

Seriously... here I am, worrying about how you feel about the whole situation. When actually, I doubt you actually feel anything. Yea... you have a lot going on for you, and I am nobody that you need to make any commitments to. I get it... I see it... I'm clear on that now. I want to cut you out of my mind like I did to him. But I know that you're gonna pop up again, just like he did, and you're gonna screw up every little piece of my brain that I had meticulously defragmented while you were put out of the picture.

What am I doing to myself? I really want to give up on thoughts. I wish I had enough shit to shovel at work so that I didn't have to think about my non-existent personal life. And I know for sure that if I stay at in this shithole, I will end up like my colleagues. Sad... but true... mean... but true... I am definitely moving out. Give me 1 more year...

I missed those days when I just came home, wiped out, and slept till morning. Then wake up the next day and just do the same. No complaints, no feelings... NO FEELINGS!!! STOP FEELING! From the day that I learnt to love... feelings only hurt me. They hurt me more than they ever did me good. From the day that I learnt to care about people... people I love, mere acquaintances and friends, all I felt in the end was hurt. People tend to take advantage of me… except for my best friends and my family. The rest of the world... fuck you!

Clean me out...

2011-12-05T20:33:00.000+08:00

I think, the only way I can describe this feeling is 'hollow'... I feel like my insides have been carved out, leaving this vacant space within me. No matter what I do, I can't seem to fill it. Nothing makes me feel whole again. On some occasions long ago, there were people who could fill them, but these people took more out of me than they gave, so the end result was the same.

I know that I have to fill the void on my own, with things that make me feel warm, happy and worthy, but at this point, these things hardly exist in my life. So the cycle repeats itself. Again I search for other who may distract me from the emptiness I feel. Mind you that I know the difference now. No one can complete me... they can only distract me from feeling incomplete. Sooner or later, it may still fall apart because I can't solve my own issues. But even in that event, I should stop blaming myself for it. Instead, have I ever wondered why they didn't stick by me and loved me for being less than complete. Other than family, there was only one person who ever did that for me. But I was never fair to him, so I had to leave.

I used to think money would be enough. Then again, since I still didn't have enough money, I wouldn't know if it would indeed make me feel happy. But to be able to buy all the things I desire, and not have anyone to share it with, seems pretty pointless. These things only hold my attention for a short while... then I'm looking for something new again... Meaningless.

Writing all this down now doesn't even help me feel less troubled. I just want to find something... but I don't know what it is... Love? Recognition? Riches? I still don't know... Maybe everything did equate to love... because most of the time, whatever we did was because we felt less important to the rest of the world, so it's our only way of finding more love, adoration, or just trying to boost our frail egos. Love... maybe I should just forget about it.

When the tears are worth every drop...

2011-12-04T15:24:00.002+08:00

So I'd just finished watching The Holiday. Could be the 3rd time I've seen it; Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jude Law and the totally odd one out, Jack Black ^_^

What I loved about this movie, from the first time I saw it, was the soundtrack, which is by Hans Zimmer. While I am not a follower of this awesomely talented person, I happen to adore this soundtrack. I remember the days when I wrote my fictions just listening to this soundtrack, letting the words flow as the music evoked emotions.

I enjoyed the entire movie today, and cried along with it. This would be one of those occasions where I would say the tears were worth every drop :) It was a great story about love and relationship, and the music just made you feel what the characters were feeling.

I found myself relating to Kate Winslet's character, Iris. Although I don't think I have gone through as much as she did, but yea... the despair she felt in that horrible 'association' with a man who didn't love her but had no qualms of using her for his convenience felt rather familiar.

The Amanda and Graham couple, Cameron Diaz and Jude Law, were so so cute... and you would definitely wish you had an encounter like theirs; sweet, warm and fuzzy and totally sexy! :) But then there were times I was reminded by Jude Law's nanny scandal.... LOL! And at the climax when Amanda finally cried, after not crying for 15 years, my aunt had to comment that she didn't think Cameron Diaz was actually pretty. LOL! I was so into the mood and my face was scrunched up, crying along... tsk...

Anyway, Amanda & Graham's story was a little reminiscent of a holiday romance I went through, though I felt it in my case it was pretty one-sided. Nothing ever happened between us, unless you think a hug counted for something, and all I do is think of the guy from afar. That's that ^_^ But yea... memories do count for something. Remembering the times when you felt that love was possibly blooming... those are the more exciting moments to look forward to. Once the bloom is over, the flower fades, you're back to square one... what would you do then? I'll just stick to the bloom :D and end it there... for now ^_^

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_holiday

Read it only if you don't mind spoilers. Otherwise, get the movie on DVD and have a good sob with it. Some of them are really happy tears :) I think I may buy it and watch it every year-end :D

Another (bad) habit?

2011-12-01T15:00:00.001+08:00

I think it would be unfair to just pass it off as my habit... I get sick of a job within 1 year?

What I'm about to say, I think that people are just gonna say "Who doesn't go through that?", but it's still a real condition. Perhaps I am not like every person I know, and have the tenacity to put up with a job that doesn't seem to be fulfilling them. But rather than write myself off as having a lack of will power, staying power, fighting spirit, I prefer to think that perhaps I am just not assigned tasks that suit my strength.

Granted everyone can't be just doing something they are good at. Sometimes you're assigned something you're not particularly good at too, and you just brave it like you should because you get paid at the end of each month. I do that too, but I wish I was given more tasks are are up my alley as well. Something worthwhile, where I can really contribute. Sadly, there is no such role at the moment. Each day that I spend being an insignificant member on my team is taking a toll on my spirit.

Sometimes I wish I didn't need to work simply because I don't like the people I have to deal with. On other days,I wish I was passionate about what I do. I wish that I had a sense of fulfillment from what I did each day during my 8.5 hours in this concrete building. There are those days where I work past my 8.5 hours with a solid purpose,and it made me feel purposeful. I've known always that I am totally capable of being a workaholic. I just need to be given a mission. Why won't someone give me a mission?

The attitude in the workplace is such that people just try to complete what is on their plate, and that's that. Anyone who ventures out to continue filling their plate would be seen as abnormal. Doing so would also invite trouble, or what people would usually say "picking up shit". I'll admit I could be more proactive and try much harder to master what I do now, it's like... even if I read all the scriptures in the library, it's not gonna turn me into a Buddha. In the end, it's all up to fate, luck and opportunity.

For now, my goal is to complete the year, then maybe consider my next step. To stay on would mean having to speak to my boss to redefine my purpose on this team. But to leave would be too soon as I would still be seen as too 'green' to go anywhere. While people wish to stop living like nomads, I'd say I want to stop working like a nomad. Will I ever find something I truly love that makes me contented.

Breaking the Habit~

2011-10-16T02:16:00.003+08:00

It's been a really long time since I listened to Linkin Park. Tonight, somehow all the lyrics started making sense to me. They're all about whatever I am doing to myself right now, what I want to change in myself from now on.

Let's start with Breaking the Habit. I remembered this song from long ago. Back then I was able to relate, but it's definitely reminded me tonight. "I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean." I do this so often. I can never play the waiting game in whatever situation and because of my impatience, I pay dearly.

In The End is about the things I do for people that end up not being worth it. "I try so hard and got so far, in the end it doesn't even matter." Sometimes sincerity and honesty just isn't enough for people. They are too wrapped up in their wants and personal goals that you're not gonna get through to them. And I still never learn~ you can't move a rock to tears~

Here's a call for me to let everything go and move on towards what I really want. From The Inside just screams for me to let it all out and go in the direction I want to and to stop wasting my feelings on people who don't want it. "Trying not to break, but I'm so tired of this deceit, every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet, All i ever think about is this all the tiring time between and how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me~ Take everything from the inside and throw it all away cos I swear for the last time, I won't trust myself with you~ I won't waste myself on you." This has to do with life, and with work. Time and time I have come face to face with people who are just out to secure their own positions, and they would be nice to you only when it suited them. I don't wanna admit it, but I am naive, and I am so trustful. Because of this, people hurt me so often, and I even care enough to get hung up on it.

Finally, Somewhere I Belong. I really feel I belong somewhere else right now, but I'm still here. I cannot imagine that I have let myself just sit here all these years, when all I wanted to do was to move to Korea. I think it's time I seriously plan towards my goal~ "I will never know myself until I do this on my own, and I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed, I will never be anything till I break away from me, I will break away. I'll find myself today." I need to stop thinking that I am 'not allowed' to chase this dream and start working towards it! I MUST! I let people's opinions lead me to my actions or affect me. I need to really listen to my heart and mind from now on.

In short, I keep putting myself in heartache for anyone in my life, whether significant or insignificant. The significant ones hurt me more, but the insignificant ones can hurt me still. It's so tiring. I wish I were a real bitch sometimes, and I say this a lot. I really do wish I was a nasty bitch who didn't care, then I'd live life exactly the way I want to and be contented about it.

Odd...

2011-01-19T23:41:00.001+08:00

Feeling odd today. I started my morning fine. I got the morning bit right. Ate breakfast on the way to bus stop so that I’ll feel comfortable by the time I got on the bus. Managed to get a decent nap on the way to the office, and started my day at the office on a comfortable note. By lunch time I was feeling crappy… lunch was alright, yet another treat from a colleague… but when I got back to office the feeling started again.

At some point, I started to feel a rush of all the emotions and depression I’ve had in the past year. It could be that blank text message I got this morning. After 6 months and he’s still at it… or it could be the text messages I got few days ago, which just feels foreign and surreal. Both are pasts that I wish I can move on from… especially when none of them promises me any happiness. I don’t know why the fuck would I even be thinking of these things now. Maybe I’m just tired from having to adjust to the new sleeping and waking hours. I call it my ‘new time zone’; even said that to my boss.

I kinda regret staying on at my last job for so long and not taking my break. But nothing can compensate for the money I will get from the extra days. Hopefully CNY will be a good break. That… and this coming weekend. I think I really need to practice some discipline and go to bed at 11pm sharp each night.

I remember the days where I just hopped out of bed when the alarm rang. I think the past few months have taken their toll on me and I am suffering as a result from the spillover of stress, coupled with the stress of delivering at my new job. Sure… there are no longer sales targets to meet, but already I have been given some tasks that I must try to achieve by the end of February. I hope to at least achieve that expectation my boss has set, better yet if I can exceed it, because that’s what I think he expects. Once again I have given people the impression that they can sort of expect magic from me… the wonderful things I manage to say during interviews.

Maybe I just need to exercise more… will do that once my schedule stabilizes. My sister thinks that I just need to have some mindless sexy time. WTF…

I have no more room to wonder in life... it's do or die now... and I refuse to die anymore :(

Leessang: He who sings the truths...

2011-01-05T00:17:00.007+08:00

I'm gonna take a break from whining about my pathetic life and blog about a duo who achieved fame by singing about those familiar dark moments.

The name of this duo is Leessang. I have only known 2 songs by them, and I realised that they have a pattern. First and foremost, I'd like you to listen to these 2 songs:

Ballerino

The Girl Who Can't Break Up, The Boy Who Can't Leave

Each song has a focal point, which is of course the chorus. The chorus usually sings the main message of the song and this part is usually done by a female singer with whom they will collaborate for the song. Leessang will sing and rap the other bits, which usually makes up the elaborations of the main message of the song, describing all the nitty-gritty details, describing plainly the situations in relationships that we all know so well. If you pay attention to the songs, you will find at some point, you have been in this situation. This is why I find their songs to be extremely forward and truthful. These are reasons why I truly appreciate their songs, even though I only know 2 of them at the moment.

On top of the songs, there are the extremely poignant MVs, where they try to artistically bring the lyrics to life. I find that they like the tableu kind of presentation. It always seems staged; with masks, costumes and makeup. The MV for 'Ballerino' was kinda creepy, but I think it very accurately conveyed the desperation of a man. The MV for 'The Girl Who Can't Break Up, The Boy Who Can't Leave' accurately shows you the phases of a relationship; how it began light and happy and how chasing dreams has changed a couple.

'The Girl Who Can't Break Up, The Boy Who Can't Leave' is one of my favourite songs, simply for the title alone. I think it accurately describes how people cannot give up their relationships with certain people, no matter how hopeless it seems. Being afraid to break up for the fear of being alone. Being afraid to leave for the fact you feel responsible and tied to a person, or simply because you feel you've put too much effort into something. These are all facts of life.

I hope you enjoyed my quick review of Leessang... haha! :D Most importantly, enjoy the music :)

Burn in hell tomorrow...

2010-12-14T22:44:00.000+08:00

That's what I feel like... having to go back to work tomorrow. I spent my day... my birthday to be exact, moping and lots of crying. Going back to work tomorrow is akin to walking into the fires of hell voluntarily.

My boss obviously thinks that I'm on MC today because it's my birthday. He's decided that I'm shirking my duties and not wanting to do anything. Since he feels that way, damn right I am!!! There has never been a day of sick leave that I did not check my emails. I shall start from now... I shall not give a shit about any emails from now on when I'm on sick leave. These people are so not worth my time!!!

Tomorrow I am going to work and confirming that I am leaving for good at the end of the month :P

Ahmm... still no result...

2010-12-13T20:05:00.000+08:00

:( Went for the interview with the GM today. I think I did ok and left the right impressions. But there was no immediate decision made. I guess it will be a 1-2 week wait :( Hope they will call me soon...

My boss... =.= I dunno what he is up to now... 'nuff said... :P I'm on MC tomorrow cos I need to take drowsy medication. At least I'll be able to rest on my birthday...

Day 30

2010-12-12T19:39:00.001+08:00

Today should be the last day. I would say rather than to expect for an answer, it should be a day where I decide what I want and simple act upon it with conviction. I lack conviction :P

The first dumb thing I did this morning was to take a cab to work when my uncle's car was sitting outside the house and he didn't have work... I should have taken the car to work since there was loads of parking space on Saturdays. DAMMIT!

I'd say while my Malay isn't superb, I managed to help get points across :) But my CEO being a person who just loves talking, made some big boo-boos while talking to the potential customer from Malaysia :P One of our biggest shareholders was there and if he wasn't, no one would've stopped my CEO from saying those stuff. I think my CEO has some bad habits. Yes he can charm the socks off most people, but he definitely hits a wall when there is a language barrier. The whole time I found the way he was trying to be 'linguistically relatable' to be a bit condescending to the customer. He then started talking about some shit that really didn't need to be pointed out so early in the deal. He really needs to learn when it means too much talking.

I think the customers liked me though. Haha! I suppose it's always nice to have someone speaking your language. My presence was definitely not a waste of effort, but a total waste of time since I have no intention of staying anymore. After the meeting my CEO was telling me I shouldn't quit, yet again... Again bringing up the fact that I have no job prospects, bla... bla... bla... I think he really treats me like a dumb foreigner sometimes. I loathe that for a moment, few days ago, I acted like one by believing him :P Other than my boss, my CEO is the other person that reminds me why I shouldn't stay. He's promising to change my job function and all, but I don't think he realises that I may be someone whom the company will always not see 100% results all the time, cos I deal better with ad-hoc situations.

I believe there is always someone in the company that serves for special functions or customers, and I am such a person. It's sad that he took so long to recognise that I was good at building relationships with customers. But he will always assume I'm lazy... so I think there can never be a balance in ultimate opinion. He will never trust me, even though he knows I am willing to contribute extra bits, like what I did for the Malaysian customers.

My big interview is on Monday! I really hope I impress the GM and we come to a deal. Next step will be the EP. I'm a bit worried about renewing it, but people have been telling me that it will be fine, especially now I may be joining a big company. Hope so...

Today is the last day of the daily posts. I aim to post each day, but if I do miss a day or 2, I think it's fine :)

I'm listening to Tim Hwang again. Just found out his new album is out. I miss his style... :)

I think I've really decided to get on with my life. Whatever that has happened in the past 7-8 months, I'm about to let them just be that phase in my life. I just wanna proceed with what I have left and hope that I can grow from it. There is no point in hoping for things to always stay the way they are... I think I love stability too much and I enjoy being in my comfort zone, but I acknowledge that I am a person who likes things to be fresh too. I think that's one reason why I left all those jobs... and all those men :P

Familiar things are all nice to have. They keep you happy knowing that there is something constant and available. But when you get too dependent, it becomes like a drug. Often enough, I let things become drugs to me, and that's when I get in trouble. I start to torture myself by craving for it and getting upset when I don't get it. But I think those days are long gone now. I know when to enjoy what I have when it's right in front of me. I can miss it when it's not, but I won't feel torture because of it. I'm getting there, though not quite yet. But after Day 30, I think I'm gonna be alright :)

Looking forward to an upward climb :) A new life could be starting for me any day now... I hope to make the best of it. I thank all the people who have been kind and generous to be in this time. These people remind me that even when there are some evil fuckers in this world, there will always be people who care for me :)

Day 29

2010-12-12T19:21:00.000+08:00

First of all... I wanna say GRRRRRR to a missing Day 29 :P

I think my boss & CEO are starting to see my value. It's clear that my boss knows shit about the project. He knows enough but he's rather out of touch with process and procedures. I realised now that I am not too in it, I can step back and help them solve the problems objectively. Maybe he doesn't like that it looks like I'm running things and making him work. In reality I'm still doing all the admin shit. He really needs to start taking the reigns. I think it's not right for him to still wait for me to liaise with the customer. I think he needs to start moving his arse.

I agreed to go to work on Saturday to help me CEO. Apparently I have been requested to attend a meeting/demo to a Malaysian customer as an interpreter. My Malay isn't all that wonderful but since I've met some of these potenrial customers before, one of our company's biggest investor, who will be bringing them, has requested that I be there ^_^ Nyaha! But to be honest... I'd rather stay home and sleep :P

Day 27 & 28

2010-12-10T00:49:00.001+08:00

Came back really late last night, didn't manage to update. 2 more days to go... did I miss a day?

I think my interview went quite well yesterday, and yet there is that niggling doubt that they may not hire me. I hope I am wrong to doubt myself. I hope they felt I was the right person to hire. I am definitely daunted by the skills this job requires, but in someway, I think I am prepared and it will be fun to learn some programming again :)

I got a call back today... less than 24 hours! :) I must have done something right yesterday. I meet the GM on Monday. Friends tell me it's probably to discuss the pay package already, so it looks like I'm almost there. Hope so. The benefits are miles better than what I get now, even if the pay is just a bit more. At least I don't need to worry about my health and stuff. And I don't need to feel like I can't take a single day off work or the operations will fail. I will actually be working with a adequately staffed team now :D

I will definitely miss being able to get up at 8am for work T_T

Another positive note! I received my certification in Korean Elementary Level 1 today! ^_^ The test was quite taxing, but guess what? I scored full marks! Not just that... I completed the course at the top of the entire level with a total score of 99%. I think my teacher was really proud of me. I'm glad I made her happy. I'm so happy too!!! To think I didn't think that I had it in me to do well. I hope I can maintain this standard for the next level. Will also be needing the new job otherwise I won't be able to pay for the next level... :P

Happy happy night! :) Hope for more happy nights to come!

Day 26

2010-12-07T23:27:00.000+08:00

Finally finished my Korean test! I don't think I got full marks, but I think I did well enough :)

Well... my boss asked me to stay. He thinks that I am only leaving because I feel the company is biased against me. The truth is that I refuse to do the shit job for this shit project any longer.

"This is not a shit project," he said.

Yes... this project has brought company lots of new prospects. Million dollar prospects. But it still doesn't change the fact that its a project that requires an experienced Project Manager and an army of drones to get all the menial tasks done. They should just hire more drones, but they refuse to increase the number of mouths to feed. They refuse to hire a proper Project Manager since they still have a few of those within the company to work till they curl up and die :P

So... I refuse to be the scapegoat, the slave, the dumbass who will give up my life to them because of a few nice and encouraging words... No fucking way!!! :P I'm still gonna CONFIRM my resignation on Monday :P

Day 25

2010-12-06T23:40:00.002+08:00

I had enough... I quit... 'nuff said...

Day 24

2010-12-05T00:05:00.000+08:00

6 more days to go before I stop my daily mandatory posts...

I was tired this morning, but I had to go get my hair fixed. I'm damn happy that I did. I feel like myself again. The moment the stylist, Jack, finished cutting and blowing my hair, my first thought was "Yes! That's it!" I saw myself in the mirror again. The hairstyle I've always loved :) I was a bit sceptical about the color job when my hair was still wet, but after it was dried... magical :) I wish I could always afford to go to Toni & Guys for my cut and color, but I think there will be times that I have to go somewhere cheaper :(

I guess my sister is concerned, but sometimes I wish she wouldn't pry. When I tell her something, she doesn't need to haul a load of other info from me. I'm not ready to talk about it to my family yet. Cos I really dunno what is going on. I think this is what I hate about the situation I am in now. I wish I had a firm decision in my mind. The thought is more or less there, but somehow fragments are still chucked here and there in the recesses of my brain... ready to be reactivated any time.

I just wanna survive my job now... and I think I do need to get another job, but I'd much rather start a new job abroad now than stay here. I seriously wanna go somewhere new and feel out of place for awhile... so that I can find new balance and a new life. I think I like the feeling of renewal. Brand new clothes, brand new bag, brand new haircut, brand new job... brand new life. There is nothing more exciting than finding something new. I think that goes without saying with love also.

I guess some people get bored because they no longer feel excitement in their relationship, and if they happen to meet someone new, the excitement and thrill of new feelings from a new relationship is what prompts them to become greedy and to want a change from the old. I've been there before. I know well enough now that it is just a temporary feeling. Just like the rush you get from buying a new dress or bag; when you swipe your credit card, you feel elated, but when you get home, the feeling has waned. Maybe it will come back a little the first time you put on that new dress, but after that, it's just another dress.

I think I felt like I had the rug pulled out from under me because I was just learning to appreciate what I had and to value what was in front of me. Apparently how I feel doesn't matter... it matters how the other person feels too. I read today that 80 something percent of women fantasize about other men while they were having sex... I shall be very honest and say I have never done that... in any relationship... even when the other person was a rather unimaginative lover... LOL... I'm loyal. When I get into a relationship with anyone, I am loyal to a fault... until the day I decide I don't need to be anymore. Sadly... I still feel loyal at this moment. Wonder if it will change someday...

Maybe I am just too fixated on the things that are out of my reach... like Seoul... a life in Seoul.

I really wanna go on to Elementary Level 2 of my Korean lessons. Hope I can afford it... I can once I get a new job :)

Day 23

2010-12-04T01:40:00.001+08:00

10 more days to officially being 27 years old... what have I achieved in 27 years.

I've just finished working on something for my boss. Yes I did procrastinate a little. I watched a bit of TV to rest my brain. But I knew had I jumped into it after dinner, I wouldn't finish earlier either. The nature of me is that I would work at it to perfect it in whatever time I had left. So... I can still say I did my best.

My uncle asked me to just stay on until they terminate me. Isn't that gonna give me a bad record? :( I think I will stick to the plan of finding my backup plan.

I still have a bit of work to do over the weekend... hope I still find time to rest my mind... :P I've been feeling tortured everyday when I think of going to work...

Day 22

2010-12-03T00:20:00.000+08:00

Today is no tears day... I was a little cheated today thinking that the day would just be calm... it ended with a lot of frustration.

My customer is still out to use every little mistake I make to blow up and aim a machine gun at my company. My company is deluded enough to believe that it's really because I'm a crap employee. It's alright. You can all suck up the shit you created once I'm gone.

I'm having a massive headache now. I missed a dateline today... dunno what my boss will tell me tomorrow. I'm being squeezed left and right. What should I do? I still think it's too early to resign, but I really do wanna throw in the towel already. The small moment of calm today made me actually feel it's okay to stay on. But I was quickly reminded why I can't.

It's seriously like a bad relationship. You get ill-treated, abused, and you know the other party isn't good for you, and yet you stay because you're too afraid to leave and sometimes you feel they still treat you ok. I'm such a sucker. I think I deserve to be in this shit for being such a gutless ninny... But I really need the $$$

T_T

Day 21

2010-12-01T23:30:00.000+08:00

I don't see why I should bother to blog. It's the same shit everyday... my boss abuses me... I feel lonely... I feel like a piece of crap who can't do a simple job properly.

Looking forward to next week... I hope I ace my Korean test. I really wanna do well and get my cert. And I hope I find a new job soon :P

Day 19 & 20

2010-11-30T22:10:00.001+08:00

I missed a day not because I was busy having a good one... I was busy with the shittiest day ever. Plus today...

My boss basically let me know I'm an employee with an attitude. Attitude with a capital 'A'. I have apparently been taking advantage of the good wills provided by my company. On top of that, he hinted that I was lazy and unprofessional. It's always great to know that you are a model employee.

Today I think he finally got a taste of what it felt like to be in my shoes with my customers. Yet... rather than defend me, again, I didn't expect him to, he just agreed to most of their demands. Way to make me look incompetent. The customer knows that they need to get past me to make him agree, and he had just possible created more problems for the team and the company by agreeing. I expected him to react in a way that protected the team or company's interest, but he didn't. It doesn't matter though, now that the ball is in his court. Let him solve it. I'm just waiting for the right time to let him know that I can no longer SERVE him and the company. When shall I do so? :( I suck at walking away...

I still need to work tonight... I hate my job... I hate my life... everything seems to have started falling apart since the past month... it's been the hardest month for me, personally and professionally. I'm surprised I'm still standing. I guess I'm made of tougher material than I thought I was. I just wanna survive now. I wish there were people I could lean on, hold their hand or just get a big hug and a shoulder to cry on. No such person now... maybe there will never be again. My bolster is my best friend now...

Day 17 & 18

2010-11-28T17:48:00.000+08:00

I missed one day... came home late yesterday and I was out the whole afternoon. Super tired... and I didn't get much sleep cos I had to share a super single bed with my sister.

Mixed feelings yesterday. Had fun and I really indulged in retail therapy. I spent about $300 on food and shopping. It always feels good to be able to take my sister and cousins out and give them a treat. I wonder until when I will be able to afford this though.

Waiting for the bus after 12am brought back from memories for me. Memories of the times when I did this with someone else. But it doesn't matter now. They're just memories... only alive in my brain but may never materialise again.

Today I went through another series of feelings. Most of it was frustration. Sometimes I wish I were a person who acted upon my frustrations; who did things out of impulse and anger and showed people that my feelings were not to be trifled with. I was about to just finish my chores and get dressed to walk out of my house. I'm not gonna tell anyone where I'm going, or if I'm coming back. While there are people who care about how I'm doing or how I feel, there are people who don't. And those people who don't... I don't know why I bother to care about them.

I have lots of wonderful friends. The problem is that the best friends I have are not by my side. I can't call them up to meet when I'm having a shitty day. I can only wait till they come online so that I can pour my heart out to them and let them soothe my troubled soul. You know who you are... I love you so much girls... you're my rocks :)

As for all the other people... I can only say I've learnt one thing...

Those who are supposed to care by default, they care only out of duty and you can never depend on them when you need them the most.

Those who claim they care, they have no abilty to care for you. There is only so much they can do for you, and it stops where the limit ends.

Those who don't care... there are those odd moments when they actually do, but they end up deciding you're not worth it.

And then there are the strangers... the people you hardly know who take more time to ask you how you feel than anyone who is immediately close to you ever would.

In short... don't expect anyone in this world to care for you. If there are a few of them, like my wonderful friends, appreciate them. The rest of the world only cares about themselves and they don't give a fuck whether you're doing well today or if you're feeling like crap. Their immediate personal needs are much more important than any of your dire needs.

No expectation, no disappointments. I should learn from now on. It would hurt less to stop expecting anything. But if you didn't expect anything... will it be as good as just lying down on the sand in the open desert, waiting for the point that you just move on to the next life... and let the vultures eat your rotting carcass.

Day 16

2010-11-26T18:28:00.000+08:00

Weird dreams last night... and I didn't get to sleep all the way since my mom decided to set an alarm for 6am on one of those traditional, loud, clanging alarms. FML.

Got beaten up during sales meeting. My boss basically told me that I am not trying and even insulted me in the most subtle ways that you cannot imagine. I was ready to tell him that I am done. He was supposed to speak to me about the shit with the crazy customer yesterday, but he ended up having no time to. Halelujah?

I'm feeling very odd today... many thoughts are running through my head. Do I like routine or should I keep changing up my life? Do I really want the nice, stable and set lives that my friends or peers have just because it looks nice? I dunno. I seriously dunno at this point. All I know is at this point, I cannot afford to have any permanent fixtures in my life, lest I depending on them. I cannot depend on them because if they are ever taken away, just like a pillar being pulled away from a building, parts of my life may come tumbling down and I would have to rebuild it again.

I think for now... I just need to keep moving. I should not stop moving. I need a new job. I think there was a reason I changed jobs once a year, other than the fact that the companies were moving. I can't stand being in the same stagnant environments. I like being new and learning things all over? I like having a fresh start... it's as addictive as a new romance. Life would be so much easier if you could always hit the reboot button, and nothing would be left from the past... even those incriminating files you might have left behind, forgotten, in Recycle Bin.

Day 15

2010-11-25T22:46:00.000+08:00

Feeling a bit weird... yea... cannot get used to any routine. Anyway I feel like shit today. Absolute shit. Thanks to my dear customer who'd decided to malign me just because of one mistake I did so that she can cover her mistake. Thank you... I'm officially fucked at work and can consider resigning very very soon.

Came home from Korean class feeling like absolute crap. Class was fun today, but I was reminded of the day's events and tomorrow's shitty day ahead... I was also reminded that I can only depend on myself to get through a shitty day... don't hope to depend on other people :(

My life sucks... 1 of my backup plans is not gonna come in place, so I have to find others... FML...

Day 14

2010-11-24T22:54:00.000+08:00

I know I didn't do extremely well for today's product demo to the customer, but I felt I did what I could given the circumstance (as usual); shitty product & last minute request from customer.

Boss gave me a long, long lecture on how to present products and engage customer while driving from Bishan to Bukit Batok. I wonder why he bothers to teach me when he no longer has faith in me? This morning, I was trying to get the software to work, and he didn't seem like he had the time to rehearse with me. It's difficult to drag him over to get to work like I would my colleagues cos he is my boss :P When he finally came, he demanded that I did the entire process from start to finish to make sure nothing went wrong >_< Help... I was so tired at work today... my brain dried up, and I kept feeling super hungry...

I hope my backup plan will work soon...

Not sure if I did the right thing today, but I think I am starting to be able to handle things... my mind, my heart... they're not going haywire anymore. It's nice to feel in control and be able to enjoy that closeness again. Hmm... but where will this lead to? Hopefully to happiness... that's all I need in my life now.

Day 14

2010-11-23T23:02:00.000+08:00

This morning I woke up feeling really confused. I don't know if it was my heart or my mind.

This morning, I was supposed to tell my boss that I refuse handle the project from now on. I ended up just nodding and telling him that I will let him know the progress of this week's deliverables at the end of the week.

I spent almost an hour pointing out to him that we lacked resources, we were understaffed, we have no time to do the job to the perfect quality the client expects. The client said that they didn't expect perfection, but in their mind, I know they do. At the end of the entire conversation, my boss basically just told me to 'try harder', 'spend a little more time' and to 'get it done'.

I dunno if he doesn't get that:

a. the team is trying hard
b. we have no extra time to spend on this
c. just getting it done this time around does not solve the problem

Makes me wonder what he hears when I speak to him... maybe I'm just some silent movie where he just puts in his own subtitles based on what he manages to lip read... or a mime he doesn't understand.

I really need a backup plan ASAP!!! FML.

Day 13

2010-11-22T19:27:00.000+08:00

Seriously can't take it anymore; Scheming employer, crazily demanding clients and irresponsible colleagues.

I know that I have not done a perfect job. I know I cannot say I have done things to my utmost ability. But I will say I really did try. Even when I did what was right, there was nothing I could do to stop the unfortunate things from happening.

My boss wants to see me tomorrow morning. If he is ready to accept my explanation and move on, that would be great. But if he's ready to jump on me for this, then I think it's really time to go. Misplacing my loyalty is not going to feed me for the rest of my life :P

Day 12

2010-11-22T02:08:00.000+08:00

Today went pretty okay :)

I finished writing Chapter 1, I cleared the air, got rid of the bloody mattress in my room, had a nice dinner with my cousins and met some new friends.

Good day... :)

Day 11

2010-11-21T00:04:00.002+08:00

I missed a day... but it doesn't mean I didn't feel anything on that day. It was a confusing day for me. I didn't know how to feel at the end of it. I didn't want to wonder or ask anymore, but I know there are many questions in my head. Slowly... I'm learning not to question...

I overcame 1 fear today. I dunno if I should feel happy or just relieved. Many more to come, and I hope I will be ready for them.

I've been listening to many songs tonight. Songs that I loved during my teens, and songs that I love now. I found one in particular... well there were a few, but I think I should share this particular one rather than all.

Bonnie Raitt's I Can't Make You Love Me - Click to listen on YouTube

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I think the essence of this song asks to give up what is inevitably not yours. Take that one last night to make piece with this coming loss, then move on. I know I wanted happiness... a happy ending for myself when I have found what I thought was the best fit for me, but I do know that it's possible that some things were never meant to belong to me. I know that I only have so much will and power to hold onto something. And if in the end, I am not the one... I am not the reason... then I suppose I have to accept it.

I am beginning to feel it. To feel the loosening of the ties around me. Partly because of myself, and partly because I feel the rope unravelling from the other side. This time, I don't think anyone is there to prove me wrong. I can wish that he would wind that rope around me tightly and pull me over to his side, but it's not happening. I'm simply tied to a rope, and probably given a pair of shears for when I feel like cutting it. Disheartening, but it's the fact.

Oh well... Never in my life... when it came to me questioning someone's love and loyalty for me, have I been proven so, so wrong. In the larger parts of it, I am always right. I am never anyone's obvious choice. I just happened to have came along. I refuse to accept it, but it's being thrown in my face and yet I have not given up the fight... I have a long way to go...

Day 9.5

2010-11-18T21:59:00.002+08:00

I try and try, I cry and cry... maybe I should just die :P

I started speaking again because I felt we were ready to connect. At least just speaking our minds, since the silence was driving me a bit crazy. But I realised that talking drives me pretty crazy too. So what do we do now?

The whole time I am talking to you, all you interpret is "Goodbye..." from each sentence that comes from me. Do you know you're doing the same too? All I hear is you assuming "I wanna leave, I wanna go somewhere far, I wanna avoid you, I wanna be rid of you." In actually fact... all I wanna scream is... COME BACK!!! COME BACK TO ME!!! It makes me feel like you're the one who wants me gone now.

I'm trying my best to make the best out of our situation, but you won't allow me to. The positive action of me moving on and learning to stand on my own 2 feet is being twisted into the negative action of me wanting to have a new life, without you. I NEVER SAID THAT! I NEVER EVER SAID THAT!!! You're the one who's saying it now.

I can't help that you love me but cannot choose me. I can't help that you want me but refuse to own me. If you want me, take me now. If you don't want me, just say so. If you can't decide now, then just leave it till later. No one is forcing you anymore. No one is asking you anymore. I just want you to be well again. I can't help even help you with yourself, because I am falling apart inside. I'm mending, but if you keep confusing me like this, I'm never ever gonna heal.

You keep assuming that I don't care anymore, when it's just your negativity or maybe insecurity. You think you're born to screw up every damn thing in your life. Well... it only happens when you make a conscious effort.

Everything is gonna be fine. Even if I were to leave this country someday, do you think you will no longer be on my mind? Do you think it will be the last you will hear of me? So many things in my life remind me of you now. Sometimes I wonder how did I allow you to be a part of my life so completely in such a short time, but it just happened, and now I can never forget you... I will never forget you.

Please hear me now when I say I love you. Hear me now when I say I care. Hear me now when I say I will not be far. Hear me now when I say you will be the best friend I've ever had. Maybe we are having a hard time now cos we both are finding it hard to get used to it and to handle the situation, but I promise you, best friends will always be best friends. When the anger dies, when the sadness is forgotten, we will find each other again, and we will be able to smile and laugh and cry together again.

If I can make a conscious effort at this moment, can you try too? I hope to see you again soon. When we meet again, I know I will be able to handle however I feel. I know cos I am making an effort to move towards that destination.

Day 9

2010-11-18T13:14:00.000+08:00

I think my mind and heart were closed for the past year. I did not give the things I loved a chance to bring the real me back again. Perhaps for awhile I felt the things I loved didn't make sense... and they were whimsical and unrealistic.

Reading MKR brought me back. Sure I still have the uneasy feelings of reality affecting me. But reliving the story reactivated a part in my brain that had been dormant for so long. I wish it were my full time job to just sit and write my fantasies, but life doesn't treat you that well, eh? :) I now remember what it felt to be immersed in the things I loved and only to be driven by them. Things... not people... they are just objects and they made me happy. I'd much rather depend on objects now... at least there are lower chances of them being taken away from me.

Anyway... I realised a lot of the things I've written 4-5 years ago, I've actually lived through some of them in the past 1-2 years. Talk about self-fulfilling prophecies. They may be in different contexts, but they definitely happened somehow. It was easy to conjure them up in my stories, but it was definitely painful as hell to live through them in person. But it's real life. I'm glad I didn't paint a picture of rainbows and unicorns in the whole time I wrote it. Sometimes I did, but the other times, I realised I was pretty realistic.

I'm also very hooked on music again. I miss the days where I couldn't live without listening to my favourite tune of the day. The days where I'd get fuming mad when my MP4 player ran out of batteries. Which reminds me... I still need a new MP4 player... *sighs* the new iPod Nano... I'll get my hands on one soon :) I need an Android phone first :D

I'm rereading my works at the moment. When I'm done, I'm gonna start writing again. I hope my readers are still out there, wherever they are. I hope they will still appreciate my works. They had always supported me, even when I didn't have anything for them. Most of them have come to be my friends, and they were more concerned about me as a person than just a writer. Thank you my dearest friends. You are all my new sources of inspiration.

Day 8.5

2010-11-17T19:30:00.002+08:00

I just made another discovery today. Notes... notes that I have never noticed, and they were there for a very long time. I'd like to ask him what and who was he referring to when he wrote them, but it seems rather pointless now to ask.

I have no one to blame but myself now, for being lost in my own little world, and just believing that my world was fine. How could I believe MY world was fine when this world we live in isn't in the first place? Seriously fucking deluded. I felt hurt for a moment there, but then I thought... I can't blame someone when I didn't take interest in matters to begin with. So... here you go. I've fucked it up well enough, and I just have to let it go...

Blissful Oblivion

I guess I was simply oblivious
Because I was not looking
Sometime ago you were already distraught
I didn't see you hurting

I thought my presence was enough
To stave you through these tough times
But I guess just having me is not enough
I'm nothing if not just another one of your crimes

A crime I was because I feel in some ways
My presence was meant to be discreet
I guess you couldn't deal with it anymore
And that's when you chose to end it

I was blissfully oblivious to everything
I thought we were really fine
I'm only starting to realise now
You were only just being kind...

I have done my best to an extent... but if my best was not enough, I guess that's all I can do. What more do you think I can do?

Day 8

2010-11-17T15:37:00.003+08:00

I had a dream last night... or at least part of the dream. I was telling my parents how this relationship had changed me for the better. My dreams are such that I still find the reasons that the relationship was good. That it worked. His last dream of me was about how uncomfortable and doubtful he felt about us.

I guess that's a sign? Am I the only one who want this? I tried to tell myself I don't want this, I don't need this... I need to move on, and I'm gonna move on. But somehow... these invisible chains are wrapped around my heart and asking it to stay. Stay... or risk regretting everything. But it hurts. It hurts to wonder and not know. I know the phase I am going through now is necessary... to build a foundation... to make me stronger so that I can withstand the future. But I really feel I don't have much to live for now. I don't have much to fight for.

Any suggestions? I really dunno what is happening around me anymore.

Day 7.5

2010-11-16T21:53:00.000+08:00

I was walking in the rain, up towards my house. I was reminded of a fantasy that I had many times put to paper (or my blogs rather).

The girl walks towards her house. She is forlorn and lonely. As she approaches, she sees a familiar figure. The person whom she's though had forsaken her was standing outside her gate, waiting for her. Her steps quicken, and he too starts walking towards her. They meet, face to face, and embrace... And he promised never to let her go again.

I never realised how often I had written this, and in doing so, I was writing down my own hopes and dreams. The hope that the things I want most will come back to me when I least expect them to. I'm telling myself each day now, to stop expecting. I've been trying to tell myself that since last year. Doesn't seem to work much... Maybe I do need a big shock to my system to get my head out of the clouds.

Day 7

2010-11-16T09:03:00.001+08:00

I'm locked in Room 6. I can't get out of my zone from yesterday. I went to bed lying to myself that I would be fine when I woke up today, but I felt worse. I didn't want to wake up, and I didn't want to face the world.

I feel like something horrible is about to happen. Maybe it should just happen and we can get it over with. But I also wish that it could be a turning point, where things would change for the better. But I think it will be something horrible. Horrible things enjoy seeking me out and ruining my life.

I want to throw everything out of the window, and just walk on, walk on, walk until I can walk no more. My tears are blurring my vision, I'll probably just fall into a ditch and knock my head some edge then die. Yea... that would be the way. That'll teach me to cry for things that can never change...

I still hope for the best. But somehow, I feel good things never happen to me when I need them to. Anyone care to prove me wrong?

I need answers... that's all I need now...

Day 6

2010-11-15T16:55:00.004+08:00

I feel like I've taken 2 steps back, in terms of my emotional stability today. I am thankful for the good friends I have that help keep me on track.

I think I know what I wanna do now. The big question is if I have the guts to do it. Will I follow through or falter because of my soft, soft heart :( I think for my future happiness, I have to stand firm... Haizzz... it's so difficult to be tough...

Scream at the stars...

2010-11-14T22:48:00.000+08:00

I long to scream at the stars...
The stars on which my fate was written,
That etched out the pain I feel today.

I long to scream at the stars...
The stars that brought me love,
That then took away that love from me.

I long to scream at the stars...
The stars that gave me hope for the future,
That clouded my vision of what's ahead me.

I long to scream at the stars...
The stars that gave me a new meaning in life,
That made it meaningless afterwards.

I long to scream at the stars...
The stars that tell me I will live on long after this pain,
That also tell me that nothing is guaranteed on the road ahead.

I long to scream at the stars...
But all the screaming will just make me hoarse,
And I will still lose everything that I held dearly...
For it's all written in the stars.

Day 5

2010-11-14T14:48:00.002+08:00

Updating early today. My target is to hit Day 30 and cease updating about this altogether. Listen to this while you read. It's been almost a week and I am still moved by this song.

Today, I felt like I've opened another door, entered another room... a metaphor for advancing to another state of mind. I'm entertaining ideas of running off to some far away place, but of course, it's just not practical. What's practical now is to sit this out, do my best, and hope for an improvement; at least career-wise.

Yesterday, I suddenly felt the urge to be somewhere else, maybe fly off to the UK and visit my aunt, have some time to myself, enjoy the country side and simply just learn to take in the world, and not have to report it to someone all the time. I even had the urge to go for a movie alone. I did wonder if I would feel weird laughing alone. Would I feel sad if I had no one to comment on the movie to or share it with later on, but I realised it doesn't matter. Some things you just share when the time or situation permits. Others, you just keep it to yourself and you can simply blog about it if you like :) I think I have always been overly communicative, and sometimes it becomes a burden to those around me.

I asked myself today why I didn't like being around my family. I realised that I do, but it's just some things have happened and we've had some unpleasant encounters, and now we are all just going about each day, getting our own things done, and not caring about other stuff, like each other. Sure, my aunts are concerned about me. I get annoyed with their idiosyncrasies sometimes, but generally, I think they are great and they have my best interests at heart. The one person I still have some sort of love-hate feelings for is my one and only sister.

I love my sister, and I like the times we spend together doing our crazy stuff and talking about all the things we wanna share with each other. What I do not love is how she judges my life. Sure, she is entitled to her opinions. Yes, I haven't made the wisest of decisions in the past year and have often gone to her for emotional support. But what I wanted was emotional support. I didn't need a lecture, I didn't need another person to tell me what shitty decisions I have made or how I could've done things differently. I am a stubborn person, but eventually, if you let me be, my stubborn thoughts would melt away, and I would see reason. I just prefer to get there on my own terms.

The things that she doesn't like, that I still stand firm on... those are the trickiest. She doesn't believe in love the way I do. She doesn't believe in having faith in a man the way I do. Sure I get hurt time and time again for putting all my faith in another human being, she thinks it's silly to invest such time and emotions, but I have never felt that way. In my perfect world, my sister would simply respect my decisions and support me when the decision I've made isn't really going my way, without saying "I told you so". I have a few friends who manage to do that, and that is how I can be honest when discussing my issues with them, and they really help me through my thought processes.

I'm in Room No. 5 now. Another 25 rooms to go before I get out of this place... this space in time. When I do, I know I would have become a different me again. I hope it sticks this time. I hope I have learnt well from this experience. I think I've forgotten about myself again for awhile. I need to keep remembering what it is I'm doing for myself. Some will say I'm young, others will tell me I'm getting old. I feel that time is wasting, and life is wasted if I keep standing still now. I need to get something done for me... soon...

Day 4.5

2010-11-13T19:07:00.000+08:00

My whole day is packed with meeting people today... haha. Just met an old classmate, and in awhile an ex-colleague. I'm generally feeling positive.

At this moment, I feel that I really wanna move forward. I can only say this at this point... no matter how okay I seem, and how I look like I've forgotten everything that's happened and moved on, never discount the fact that I may still love you that much. It may take me time to decide, but if you want me that much, make sure you have the balls to come back and ask for my heart again. You'll never know if it's still yours. I fear that you may give up just because it looks like a challenge, or you think I'm better off without all this. Maybe... but let me be the judge of that. You just need to straighten out your mind and ask yourself what is it that you want. Meanwhile, I am just trying to put away everything in a locked chest just so I can survive my days ahead. I leave the key with you...

Someone told me that I shouldn't delude myself that there is a "right person" for me. People will always change, and we should just deal with it as it goes along. This fact rings in my head now. I cannot control someone who has decided to change his mind, so all I can do is to make do until my life stabilises, and all things feel as normal as they can be. This love has made a mark in my heart. It may have scarred it too. But this also means that it will always occupy a space within me. It will be totally up to circumstances in the future if it will be revived, or simply just live out it's life within me, like any scar on my body would. I still hope I'll at least meet a person who will make me feel alive. As alive as I've ever felt in the past few months...

Day 4

2010-11-13T14:46:00.000+08:00

I met an old acquaintance today, and I realised I am definitely not the most troubled person, nor experiencing the shittiest life. I realised there are many ways around things, and there are many ways to move forward... So I'm gonna just keep my thoughts at this stage today. I really feel the turning point within me. I may really be feeling differently about everything... starting today. The feelings are still there, but perhaps the rationality is kicking in now :)

Day 3

2010-11-12T23:18:00.001+08:00

I asked myself today... It's not like I've had a very dysfunctional family or abusive childhood, so why do I crave connection with people other than my family? Why do I have this burning need to find my life partner and get married even before my early 20s. Is it because of my deluded beliefs in romantic notions? I feel like I am slowly getting over that, but I am somewhat still a romantic at heart... :P

At some point of my mid-20s, I decided that I wanted to see more of the world, and that I will not be contented to just do the job I have, or live the life I am living. Then the big crash came. I crashed and got burnt, and then I slowly climbed up again. I still believed that I wanted more out of my life, which was why I moved to Singapore again, and in that process, I met him.

I think what I felt when I was with him was that he was a person I could see the world with, and yet stand still somewhere if I wanted to. We were both still in a phase of wanting to experience a different world, a different life, so it felt ideal to be together. I guess we never counted on the feelings of responsibility and our ages catching up to start making us feel that we had to decide on the path that we were embarking on together. This should be one of the main fears we both have; if the bumpy road ahead was one we thought worth fighting for. It's a bit sad that we are in this situation now. We are both unsure how much we want this, despite knowing that this is the happiest we've been in the longest time, and maybe the only time it would ever feel so perfect for the rest of our lives. But I guess the most important thing for anyone is this situation is not to settle for something easier or readily available just because you're afraid that nothing as good, if not better, will ever come along in the coming times and if you're also afraid of going down a difficult path. I guess this was what I used to do. I just grabbed the next best thing available when I felt I had nothing in my life. This time I didn't and this is why it's hitting me as hard as it is...

It's ironic when both people feel they are not good enough, having tried their hardest. I want to tell him and I want to remind myself all the time that we've done our best for each other, but there are just some things that you need to let go in order to be the best for each other. I think in the coming years, my biggest challenge in order to make anything work in my life would be to learn to let go of my past. Sure it's nothing sordid or even gory... it's just the little fears and niggles and most of all the huge amount of insecurities built up over the years that continue to dog me. In our time together, I can say that I have never felt insecure, until I realised that I was losing him. That's when it all came back. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be cured. I hope so. I really hope I will be, with time, as I do not want my insecurities to burden me and my partner for life.

I used to wish I would find someone who would take care of me for life. It's nice to be taken care of, but I think it's much better to have a partner who would support you emotionally all the time. In our time together, sometimes I feel he doesn't take all of my emotional shit, simply because he probably senses that I'm doing this out of habit, and it's just something I've believed in for so long. It's good. And all those times when I'm having a hard time adapting to stuff like my career and meeting shitty people, he was there with an arm around me, and a shoulder for me to cry on. Like that PSA that keeps running lately, "Help encourages, but the right help enables." I think at that time, it felt like the right help that enabled me to push forward. Recently, sometimes it was the right help, and sometimes I knew he was coddling me, and I am sure he knew it too, but he still did it, because he knew I needed someone, something, or I may crumble.

I think now I'm going through a process of crumbling, reconstructing, crumbling, reconstructing, and the cycle keeps repeating itself. Like knocking over a tower of blocks each day and stacking it up again. I think I need to stop the blocks from falling, and maintain that stack. Until I can maintain that stack, I dunno how I will react to everything that's gonna be thrown at me. Sometimes I wish we could say fuck everything else and just be the way we were. But he's right. Somehow it won't be the same, and I would prefer it everything happened the right way, the way it should, and when everything has truly fallen away, and all that's left is the two of us.

The two of us... seeing the same things... thinking the same thoughts... feeling the same feelings... breathing the same air... walking that same path. That's how I want my life to be...

Day 2

2010-11-11T23:02:00.001+08:00

I went a bit back and forth today. Calm in one moment, crazy in the next... but generally, I think I'm calm. Entertained some crazy thoughts for a moment, but I caught myself before I did something impulsive that would ultimately just hurt me in the end. I should know by now since I've been through it ages ago. Sometimes people don't remember their past experiences to vividly :P

I had urges to cry today, but somehow the tears feel like their blocked, or stuck within me. I think it's my brain slowly getting my emotions in control... My heart still palpitates sometimes, a wrenching feeling, sometimes I can hardly breathe, but I'm also feeling generally normal today... I think I'm on the way to getting myself back... ^_^ I think I have not strayed a lot from being me for the past few months, but I wanna live with me being 100% of me... Today is yet another milestone to me... starting today, I am going to really be independent, and strong!!!

RAWR!!!

Day 1.5

2010-11-10T10:34:00.000+08:00

I had a relapse... so I won't count today as the 2nd day, as I feel like I'm starting over.

Every day is a new journey for me. I start at the bottom of the hill each day, and by midday, I get to the peak. I climb down slowly after that, and by the next morning, I have to start over again. I wish I had a pause button, so that I could always be at the peak.

Feel tired today... Hope I'll survive gym tonight...

So it starts again now... RAWR!!!

Day 1

2010-11-10T00:32:00.000+08:00

Today I embark on a new phase... another bubble of time where eventually it will pop and dissipate into thin air. I still don't know what I'm going to achieve from this time where I am going to surround myself in a cushion of detachment.

I just want to achieve a sense of calmness now. It just feels like a storm of frustration and a cocktail of all my emotions are brewing, and I just want to stay away from the cyclone that may simply sweep me off my feet and leave me powerless to fight for the road to safety.

I just want to be able to cope through my days at this point. I wanna last out this time that I have set for myself. Along the way, maybe I can learn to be less reactive towards the things around me, then maybe I will have a happier life. I realise that I have never really learnt to let live... in the past month or so, I think I have truly tried, and perhaps in some situations managed to let go and just deal with myself first, but I find that every step I have taken forward does come with 2 steps back every once in awhile, maybe in every 1 out of 3 attempts. I need to learn that some things are really out of my control and I should just let things be and focus on myself.

I have a few mantras now... a friend told me to remind myself "I am strong". The next one I shall add is "Breathe, close your eyes and just breathe". Hopefully in the long run, these will help me to come to terms with myself, my life and everything that surrounds me. Hopefully in the long run, I will really be a stronger person. I know I have grown in this past 6 months. So much more than I thought I could. But I still have some way to go, before I can be truly invincible :)

I wanna learn to be able to have someone's arm around my shoulder, but still stand on my own 2 feet.

5 minutes to save my world...

2010-11-09T00:04:00.000+08:00

I guess I failed? I guess I succeeded? It's something I needed, and yet not something I wanted. I was afraid of taking that step, but he nudged me to it. Do I thank him? Do I turn around and cling to his arm and insist I will not leave. I just feel everything played out wrong. I acted on impulse once again and simply because I felt I couldn't take it any longer. I may regret my impulsive behaviour once again, but perhaps it has saved me from killing something that meant much more than my wants for that moment.

It took me this long, not that long, but long enough... I can finally say I am trying to move forward. I wish that the things I want would still be attached to me, like that price tag on the dress that I forgot to cut off... it flicks at me every no and then, reminding me that I'd forgotten about it, but it will be there, until I take off that dress, and finally cut that tag off.

I wanna wake up and be able to smile tomorrow. I hope that I can really do that, and mean it. I wanna be happy... that's all I want now... please keep me happy...

That I am not

2010-11-08T00:08:00.000+08:00

I used to be afraid of sleeping alone... not anymore.
I hated eating alone... but I know sometimes you have to.
I never liked to shop alone, because I could never decide what I wanted to buy... but then these days I think I should just make do.
I keep depending on people, even knowing that they may not be there for me forever... will I ever learn not to?
I still question myself, if I have the power and courage to take on and withstand challenges... most probably not.
I'm trying to love and forgive unconditionally... but a saint, I am not.
Can I still wait for you indefinitely... for now I still am, but perhaps eventually, I may not...

Rain, Blood and Tears

2010-11-06T23:09:00.002+08:00

The rain on the streets, they flow to my heart.
The open cut is engulfed by it, making my blood run.
Washing over my wounds, blood and rain mingle and flow.
The rain drains me of my blood, so that I can release the pain in my heart.

My tears are running down my face.
Perhaps my eyes would soon bleed instead.
I hold back my emotions, I try to be brave.
My confidence has shattered, was it all done in vain?

They say when it rains, the sky is crying.
So I guess when your heart bleeds, you're surely dying.
This pain inside, perhaps it will dissipate.
But for now I wish I could just stop loving, and learn to hate.

On and on, I try to wade through the pool of rain, blood and tears.
On and on, I try to fight against my greatest fears.
On and on, I take the hit to my heart, and yet I still walk forward.
My eyes are only set on one thing, which hopefully doesn't become pointless.

What could I possibly want?

2010-11-06T20:58:00.003+08:00

Lately there are a lot of things running through my head. I am beginning to question what it is I really want from this life. Back then, I had planned to be a young mother and that was the rest of my life. Slowly I asked myself, was that all to life, and I decided to venture out and seek more. I told myself that I couldn't be a person who would be contented with just staying put. At least not until I saw the world... or at least more of it.

Till today, I have not seen the world. I ran into several walls. And now, I am at the crossroads again. I watch mothers and their babies, as I envy that bond that they share, I catch myself and ask myself, am I ready for the role of nurturing and guiding another human being who will be totally reliant on me. Guess not.

I watch husbands and wives going about their weekend routines, having breakfast, lunch and dinner at public places. Walking hand in hand at a mall. The wife leaning on her husband as they the ride the bus or MRT. I long for someone with whom I can share my daily life with, and yet I wonder, who will be able to put up with me for life.

I watch people happily walking out of their offices as they head home. I'd think that they must have had a great day at work. Their boss probably appreciates their efforts, and their colleagues are like family to them. While I have great colleagues, not much can be said of my bosses. I just want a stable career with a positively challenging environment. Yet, I ask myself... can I handle it?

Everything I do is countered by self-doubt. I could be doing a damned good job and yet I wonder if I did. I could have given my all, and yet I question if I gave enough. I thought I've had enough, and yet I feel deprived. So now I ask myself, if I keep at this, how long will I be able to last, before my light dies out.

Or maybe all I wanna know is if I am be able to hold onto something for long enough... perhaps keep it for the rest of my life...

Blog; not much...

2010-11-06T17:18:00.000+08:00

I've been totally off the radar on blogger. So far the excuse I keep giving myself was that I'm not inspired to write. I have come to realise that it's just bullshit. The reason I stopped blogging was because I was no longer sure of my life. I'm afraid of committing whatever I'm doing into a document and making it set in writing.

I don't know what the hell I have gotten myself into. I think I'm happy. I do feel happy. But somehow... things are not going the right way for me. Or maybe people would tell me, they're just not going the way I want them to go. I try to hard to do things right, and I hope that people see it and acknowledge it and in their final assessment of me, think that I am doing a good job, and perhaps give me the treatment I deserve. In some areas, I have succeeded, in most areas, I have not.

And that one person... the person who has continued to treat me right... it feels right... and yet somehow I realise that I am not doing it right... it all sounds to tangled and confusing. It all sounds so painful and it just makes me want to shut off from the world and keep to myself until I feel sane again... but I still crave that connection. Knowing that somehow it's wrong to keep going this way, I still want that connection... that gratification. But it's wrong of me to feed my greed... It's just creating a bigger cavern in my chest... and it will just grow while I keep trying to feel it. At some point... nothing in this world will ever be enough for me, and I will just disappoint everyone who loves me again. And that includes that person...

I have never been brave, and I don't think I will ever be... but at this point, I just wish that I would at least learn to face the truth the world has set in front of me...

IKEA Sultan Hasselback Mattress for S$150!!!

2010-09-26T17:24:00.003+08:00

Retail price S$300+
Resale price: S$150

If interested, email: joeytong83@yahoo.com or comment on this post with your contact details and I will get back to you ASAP.
If you saw this ad on Facebook, you can message me on Facebook or comment on the post and I will get back to you :)

General description:

Active pocket springs support your body at its lightest points and relieve pressure where it's heaviest, allowing your muscles to relax.
High resilience foam filling can support more weight, making the mattress durable and long lasting.
The soft quilted top covered with 100% cotton ticking gives a cushiony surface.

Specifications:

Queen Size: Length 202cm, Width 152cm, Thickness 28cm
Double welded pocket spring unit: Steel
Comfort material: Polyurethane foam 25kg/cu.m., High resilient polyurethane foam (cold foam) 35kg/cu.m., Polyester wadding
Ticking: 100% cotton

The mattress is roughly 1 year old. No stains, no tears and still solid since no one has slept in it for more than 6 months. IKEA Singapore doesn't carry this mattress anymore, but from the reviews I read while researching the specs and description, it's pretty good. I have no space for it, so I need to sell it off :(

Original price was S$300+. I'm selling it for S$150. I would prefer cash on collection only.

Does anyone comprehend?

2009-10-04T11:15:00.003+08:00

All this negativity is really bringing me down... I asked for some time off, and people immediately assume I'm giving up. Maybe after all that everyone's been saying, I might just give up so that they can get the satisfaction of being right.

"Why are you still sick?" they ask...

Well... first of all... I never get to rest in peace. I blame myself for having a conscience. I worry too much about how people get by or how people will complain when I disappear. Even know sometimes I say "fuck it" and just leave, I feel bad, and it just ends up with me not having a restful time off. If only I didn't have a conscience and a heart :(

"Just disappear for a week, then come back and pick up the pieces"

This is not what I like to do. I'd like to leave knowing everything is in place and will be in place when I come back cos it would kill me to have to clean up when I get back. I'd just go back to square one. This would happen only in my dreams. I feel trapped by my responsibilities, and no one wants to help me with them. Sure there are some people helping out, but they only want to do it to a certain extent.

Yes... this is my shit... this is really my problem. I promised I'd stick it through, and I am finding ways to make things more bearable for me, but how long can I really keep doing this? With people reminding me each day that I can't do it, and telling me that I'm not helping myself when I'm already trying my hardest. I am really not getting the support I need in order to stand on my own 2 feet again.

My bf has now volunteered to help me get things in order. It's fortunate that he's available for the next few months to help me out, but I don't really like the attitude of people who
a) doubt his abilities
b) wanting to drop all their responsibilities and leave now that someone is here to help
It's only temporary. I fully expect everyone to still stick around and work with him. He's doing it because he sees that we need some help to fix things.

Because of our past relationship issues, some people may still see him as a shitty boyfriend to me, but after he'd told me he was gonna help me, I realised that all those past unhappiness, squabbles and etc. don't matter anymore. The fact that he has stepped up when it mattered most is clear that I mean enough to him to go an extra mile for me. Sometimes I really need to get over myself. I'm oversensitive when it comes to him, and I do ask for too much (sometimes). He's a good person, and he has proven it time and time again. I'm such a greedy bitch ^_^

So where do we go from here? I'm gonna stick it out for the rest of the year... until the business is 1 year old. Then we're gonna reevaluate the whole business and see if we can sell or if we need to keep at it for awhile more. My bf and I plan to revamp the entire operations, and hopefully things will improve from here. I can't wait... it's gonna be a whole lot of work, but I'm happy someone is here to get it done with me... *bliss*

Really don't understand...

2009-09-22T23:47:00.002+08:00

I got home at 6pm+ today and decided to get some shut-eye before my dance class at 8. My mom walks in and asks me why I'm home early... duuuhh...

1. I did tell everyone I'm gonna cut down my working hours until I'm better
2. I need to rest or relax so that I can heal.

She said... I should be working at the shop instead of coming home early to loaf... which part of point 1 or 2 does she not get? I realised that since I gave myself the flexibility to leave my shop earlier to do whatever I wanted to, my health has improved rather quickly. This means that it was definitely the work stress getting to me. My cousin is abandoning the shop to work for his father starting next month, just the thought of having 1 less person to depend on and possibly having to work my full hours again is really scaring me.

I just wanna enjoy the free time I have now... catching up on sleep, being a couch potato, spending more time with my darling... and of course catching up with my friends and having time to blog, write and dance... is that too much to ask? I just wanna be healthy again. Why can't she understand that for me to get healthy again, I need space and time... T_T FML...

My dance teacher made a very flattering proposal today. I'm asked to join her team for a performance at Arena this Friday for some Guinness event. I don't feel ready. I learnt more than half the dance an hour ago... I hardly remember the sequence now. I don't think I'll be adequately prepared, and I don't wanna suck. Maybe next time :(

Meanwhile... I love Tae Goon's new song, Betrayed :D The MV kinda reminds me of Wheesung's Insomnia, but I still love it :D He's much slimmer and taller... yummy!! :D

The big 'D' has reared it's ugly head :P

2009-09-18T11:25:00.006+08:00

I hate having to report this... and I know I have never mentioned this much on my blog. But I think I need an outlet now... and this is the best place... where my friends can read what's going on with my life... and I know that in a way, I am being heard.

Before I start telling my long, long story... I have a few people I'd like to mention. Felicia, Kai Ling, Elaine and Eng Wei... thank you for talking to me. You don't don't know how all those times you spent listening to my cry, rant and complained have kept me together all this time. Lu and Mei Zee, I know you girls are busy, and I know you're both equally concerned about me. Thank you for caring :) My sister. We don't always see eye to eye, and I know you think I'm an air-headed flooze, but you will love me, and hug me when I need a person to cry to. I wuv you! My baby... you don't read my blog, but I want you to know that I really appreciate it when you try. You make me so happy even when it's just remembering to give me a smooch over the phone in the morning. Knowing that you are trying for us just keeps me going :D

First of all... what has happened? How did I get into this shit again? Sometimes... I really have no one to blame but myself. I overthink, I worry, I torture myself over the littlest things I've done that I think might have been mistakes... worst of all, I can just let things go, I can't just let things be. I'm impulsive by nature. Everyone who knows me knows that. While it's a useful trait sometimes, it's what causes me most of my troubles in other times.

So... for the past few days, I've been waking up at 8, on the dot, each morning. I didn't set an alarm. It's just automatic. I'd feel sick, tired, and I just can't explain the feeling of discontent or whatever it is. No amount of tossing and turning can fix it. So what did I do this morning? I woke up, made myself a drink, and tried to get myself to go wash up. But I was too tired. So I just tried to sleep for a bit more. I vomited twice, or was it 3 times. Same thing yesterday. I had to find someway to expel the accumulation of acid in my stomach, and I really can't see any other way. Don't worry... I'm not becoming bullimic.

Went to my mom before I went to work, and we had a talk. For once, she was supportive of the way I wanted to deal with my illness. I said I might see the doctor next week if I don't get better, and she agreed. In the past, she'd tell me to just pull myself together and get over it, but I guess maybe, after her own near breakdown episode, she realised that sometimes you just need help. You can't help being sick. I spoke to my aunt yesterday. She's a nurse in Australia. She explained to me that being depressed is not a mere problem of 'weak mind'. It's mostly because my brain may be lacking a certain enzyme that helps me deal with my stress, and because of that, I break down, because I can't handle it. In my case, my stomach is affected, and in turn it affects my appetite, my emotions, and my ability to function each day. Most people here would just tell you that you are not doing enough to make yourself happy, you're not trying not to think about the stuff that make you unhappy. Well... sometimes, I just get unhappy without thinking. It's like a switch. It turns on by itself, when I least expect it. I could be fine and happy now, and totally bothered and down within the next 5 minutes. I try cheering myself up, reminding myself that everything is fine, telling myself to relax and just let things unfold on their own... let life progress as it would... that I cannot control everything... not everything is supposed to go the way I want it to... sometimes this isn't enough.

I guess talking to people helps. But I can't be dependent on that. I need to learn to be alone with myself, my own thoughts... I'm too dependent on people. I know I am too dependent on my boyfriend... of course my girlfriends would support me and call him a jerk for not wanting to spend more time with me, but to be honest, he does. It's just that I expect him to spend every free minute with me, which is really irrational of me. He works so hard each day, he has his own truckload of issues, and the fact that he'd take a few evenings off each week, when he has no off days, to be with me, and listen to me talk about my issues; I think this is proof enough that he is trying to be there for me. He can't always answer my calls, or reply my texts, but as long as he remembers that he has a girlfriend, and finds time to make sure I'm well, shouldn't I be happy. He always asks me to inform him wherever I am, or just let him know what I'm doing. Even if he doesn't reply, I know that he cares, cos that's why he's asking me to tell him. I'm not settling for crumbs. I don't think I have even been one who settled for crumbs. If he ever starts to under-appreciate me, or god-forbid, ever betrays me... it would be so over. I may be nice, but I'm not a pushover.

Speaking of betrayal... back to my conversation with my mom. She thinks that maybe the business is too much for me, and she said that if it ever gets unbearable, I can always tell her, and we can look for ways to sell it, and I can find something else to do. My mother is giving me a chance to run away. Just as I have with all my other jobs. It's comforting to know that she would let me do this, but I think for now, I want to continue doing this, because I know I can. I just need to worry less about work. I think I do work hard enough... I just need to learn that I am allowed to take a break, especially when I'm sick. So for the next few weeks, I'm cutting back my working hours. I might even take a day off. I really need to learn to let go, and that I can't control everything :(

My mom also said something else. I love her for being worried about me, but sometimes, she should just keep these thoughts to herself. All my close friends know that my bf is younger than I am. Not just 1 or 2 years, but 5 years. But does age really matter? Sure he has some growing up to do, I've done my bit of growing up, but there is no reason to not be with someone just because they're not fully-developed :P To be honest, I don't think I'm all that mature either, and it's what makes us compatible... I think he has a much more mature take on life, while I have more knowledge on work, career and some other stuff... we help each other like that. He has made me a more giving person. I can admit that I used to be really selfish. It's always about how I felt and how I wanted things to be, and even though I do still act like that sometimes, but I realised that I'm doing it less these days. All the things I'm going through has made me a little more aware of people around me. Of course he still gets the bulk of my affection and consideration, I'm learning to give a little of it to others... bit by bit.

The other thing she said... she was worried he'd cheat on me and leave me for someone else, because he's young and good-looking. Yes... roll your eyes and say "What?" :P Everyone who knows him tells me he's never cheated, he's always been devoted. My mom said that it's because no girl has come onto him yet. That got me thinking. He's really courteous to strangers. It does worry me sometimes that he'd give other girls the wrong idea. But he's told me time and time again... he never looks at anyone else. He thinks that girls these days just want a man with money. True... money he hasn't got a lot of now... but some girls are willing to settle for a guy with a secure job and wait for him to get rich, and it really doesn't hurt that he's such a looker. He thinks that girls these days aren't so patient. Sometimes I feel that he's just comforting me, or lying to himself :P To the public, I think that most people feel that he is doing well, and hence, the bees may just decide to come to the honey. Yes... situations may change people... maybe being exposed to the public where he is working now will change him, but I believe that love and loyalty will keep us together. If there is anything he hates, is being betrayed. So even if the hottest, most echanting girl should come onto him, I trust him to remember that he loves me, has me, and all the things we've been through together is not worth giving up over some slut :P Sure I'm always gonna worry... but if everyone worried like my mom does, and avoid relationships with people or dump people before they get a chance to be dumped, there'll be no more couples left in this world, who's gonna get married? There'll be no more romance in this world T_T A friend of mine posted on Facebook "To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing." I totally agree... So... if the worse ever happens, I can only tell myself that it was not meant to be, and I can always do better. Right? I think I'm still pretty hot ^_^

But... thank you Mom for being there for me today... and for supporting me... I love you. You really need to stop worrying about me and my bf, and you need to stop planting seeds of doubt in my head. Already I'm always so worried about everything, it's really not helping that you tell me such negative what-ifs. Soooo not helping. I wish you could take back these words... :( I wish you could just be happy that I am happy now, and just let me live my life. At least my personal life...

I think I just have a lot of issues... and I always expect things to get better by tomorrow. That's why I always feel dejected when things have not improved, be it my love life, or work life, or even this illness. There is truth in the phrase "just take things easy". I hate it when people tell me that, as if it were a cure-all, but in a way, I do need to take it easy, and let things work out on their own. My relationship with my bf is not gonna improve if I don't learn that everyone needs space and some time alone, and my work life is not gonna improve if I don't learn that I don't have to tie myself to the shop and feel responsible for everything that happens.

I tell everyone that I don't give a damn each day, but I do. I tell everyone that I'll be here to take over everything the day everyone quits, but I'm deathly afraid of when that day comes. This shop was my dad's dream, because he wanted to keep our family together, I guess that's why I feel obligated to keep doing this, not matter how difficult it will become. I need to survive. If I've bounced back before, I am gonna bounce back again. I just need time, and I need to give myself time.

So for now... just lots of deep breaths and positive thinking. There are many things looking up for me, I just need to learn to appreciate them as they come. Really looking forward to see Kai Ling & Hazel next week :D I hope you girls make it. Can't wait to give you both big, big hugs :D

I LOVE YOU ALL... I REALLY DO... I'm sorry if I have ever seemed distant or as if I've forgotten my friends. I do think of you, but I just never really found the time or made the effort to show it. Bad of me... but... :( Yea... I'm bad... but you love me still :D Hehe! Right?

P.S. Thanks Dad for always giving me everything. But you really need to stop being biased. I love you too!

K-POP SURGE!!!

2009-08-21T16:57:00.002+08:00

I'm just gonna slap on lots of vids for y'all... these are the songs that are predominant on my playlist these days.

First is Hwayobi with Rose. I love the soul in this song and the groovy house-ish beat :D She's famous for always singing live. She ain't the best lookin' singer in Korea, but she's pretty adorable and cool ^_^

I can't get the subs for this song cos Avex has been on patrol... apparently no one is allowed to upload this video. I don't think it's premature to say that G-dragon's solo album is going to be a smash hit. I love the styling and choreography of the video... except for the bed scene... reminds me of Wheesung's Insomnia. The other songs on this album were pretty good. I've always liked G-D's works... I hope he keeps the good music coming :)

Drunken Tiger!! He'd the granddaddy of Hip Hop in South Korea. All hail!!! ^_^

I find this song so funny... and only MC Mong can pull off something like that... hehe!

FT Island is back with an album, and it has kind of a 'That Thing You Do' feel to it :)

Finally... *drumroll* The object of many guys' wet dreams as of late :D Brown Eyed Girls. I highly recommend that you go onto YouTube and watch their live performances :D You won't be able to take your eyes off them :P

Oh... It's Definitely You...

2009-05-14T02:00:00.003+08:00

Super Junior is out with a new single... yea... again... after they'd just put out a new album. This song is released as a digital single and is also featured in the repackaged version of their latest album, Sorry, Sorry. Repackaging is big in the Korean music industry now. The recording moguls figured out that adding some freebies like new photos, and 1 or 2 songs, then changing the album sleeve, would make teenage girls buy an album twice, thrice... or more than that. I am no teenage girl, and I've succumbed to this marketing trick at least once or twice. Damn!

Anyhoo... the song is heartwrenching, but the melody is beautiful as usual. I absolutely adore the chorus... Enjoy...

UPDATE!

Yoo Hoo!

2009-05-05T23:20:00.001+08:00

Yes... I have disappeared off the radar yet again :P

I've been busy preparing for the opening of my hot pot restaurant. Yea... you heard me right... I'm opening a restaurant. Details will be up as soon as the opening date is final. So stay tuned.

Meanwhile... check out my newest ringtone :D

I hardly know K.Will, but I do know he exists. This song is nice. I love how the tune of the chorus... it's just the way I like it... lilting and sweet and oh-so-sad ^_^

Map the Soul

2009-03-29T16:07:00.008+08:00

I just realised that I have not paid appropriate attention to the superbly talented Tablo and his band, Epik High. So now that I've finally really given their music a chance... I'm gonna rave about them!

Their 6th album (yes... they have 6 albums already, and a slew of songs they've been featured in or have written and produced), Map the Soul, is a breath a fresh air to me. I've been overindulging in electronic music as of late, and found this to be pretty much on par with Ra.D, whom I had also recently discovered. I'm only gonna review a select few tracks.

1. Believe
2. Cipher
3. Map the Soul
4. Customer Service (Skit)
5. Top Gun
6. Scenario (피해망상 pt. 2)
7. London (instrumental)
8. Free Music
9. Map the Soul [Worldwide Version]
10. 8 by 8, Part 2

The first song I heard was of course, Map the Soul. I like the background music accompanying the rap and all. The only difference between the normal and the worldwide version is the additional rapping by Tablo. Someone tell me. The MV was pretty artistic. You can watch it here.

*edit* I just noticed that the 'worldwide version' is in English. I guess that's why it's 'worldwide' :D Silly me... So it's additional rapping by Tablo, plus, it's all in English. I'm impressed... I guess I now know what the song is about. Hehe!

Cipher is a great song, accompanied by some impressive beat boxing.

Customer Service isn't a song, but a skit, as indicated. I have a feeling they were inspired by Russell Peters' "Do the right thing!" :P

Next is Top Gun, which was probably inspired, in a way, by the Tom Cruise movie, as I gathered from bits and pieces of the lyrics. I like the intro of the song, and the overall flow. Makes me feel like dancing... that old skool beat...

I'm pretty sure Scenario is some kinda love song... cos it sounds a bit sad, the tone of the song.

Free Music is definitely about piracy... haha... I'm sorry I didn't buy the album... but I can only afford so many >_<

You can find some of these songs on YouTube. Just search "Epik High" and "Map the Soul". I'm looking forward to getting the subbed versions. Would like to understand what he's singing... even though he's already using lotsa big English words in his songs. Did I ever mention that Tablo has a Bachelors Degree in English from Stanford University? :D

As for Ra.D... I still hardly know the guy. But his songs are awesome. It has that very black American flavour about it, but it's in Korean... :D I've never skipped a single track when listening to this album.

The title of his 2nd album is Realcollabo. Not sure what that means... I recommend Track 4 (Cool Fella), Track 5 (Sweet Love) and Track 8 (SP Collabo). You won't regret it :D

Fun with Mobile Phones :D

2009-03-14T19:32:00.002+08:00

Informative

How to Take Great Photos On Your Mobile

How To Look Good In Photos

Just Plain Rubbish ^_^

Stupid Things To Try With Your Phone

Does this really work?

How To Boost Your Phone Signal

Whats abouts me?

2009-03-11T20:49:00.002+08:00

Interesting quiz... http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties. -So me!!!

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior. -Hmmm... I should stop looking to settle down then?

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person. -I think so too :D

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with? -I am NOT a FLIRT!!! *pouts*

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can. -I guess... *shrugs*

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life. -Nononono!!! I wanna be a popstar!!! ^_^

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous. -Yes... kiasu... that's me :D

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear. -*sobs* Yea... I care too much...

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve. -Oh... I sooo agree... ;)

Give me more!!!

Ze Real Me

Here is the analysis:

1. You've got great self-confidence and you're full of charm. Most guys who get to know you will be attracted to you. You are far from sweet and proper; your intriguing personality fascinates them. Most guys find it easy to fall for a girl like you. -Yes... I know I'm so hawt ^_^
2. You don't really care about other people's feelings. You do things the way you want and usually think only about yourself. You are easy-going and love to have fun, but you can be irresponsible as well. You are not keen on serious discussions because they can make you remember that life isn't always about parties. -Really?
3. You are a bright, cheerful and bubbly person. You are thoughtful and considerate, and like to have fun. Everybody feels comfortable around you because of your pleasant nature. When you walk into a room, people's eyes are likely to be drawn to you because of your charm. -Yep, yep!
4. Your peers think of you as a fun person, but sometimes you can be a little irresponsible. You can be somewhat childish, and can try to ignore the fact that you will one day need to really grow up and be a mature adult! Perhaps you could start reading good books; they might help you look at the world in a different light. You do want to be taken seriously, right? -Somewhat agree... but people who know me well enough do know my serious side :P
5. Your boyfriend thinks that you are a real doll but this is not a totally positive thing. Sometimes you can be a bit too sweet, and come across as being helpless. If you're like this too frequently, your boyfriend and other people are likely to get tired of you having to rely on them all the time. -?? Okay... I know this I gotta fix T_T

My Personality Love Style

You desire a love that will last forever. You are quite serious about finding this type of love, and that's why you think carefully about the men that you meet before deciding whether you could really love them. You don't just develop a crush on someone overnight: you look at a person's personality and other aspects of their life before deciding to form an attachment. If a guy doesn't meet your expectations, you would rather be alone. Your love has to be perfect. Be careful though, you could be missing out on some worthy relationships because your standards are so high. -Really? Okaayyy...

What Type of Personality Do I Have :D

Bright and Cheerful
You are always cheerful and charming. You never get too serious with people when they're around, but when you are alone, you think carefully about what they have said. That's because you don't want anyone to see you being too somber. Your personality means you have a lot of friends and you are often the center of attention. Many people who fall into this category become artists and movie stars, perhaps fame could be yours in the future as well. -Yea... I like to mull over what ppl have said to me... I'm a little psycho like that :S

What Does Being A Friend Mean To Me

You value your friendships: 50%

You value your friendships quite a lot but you don't like to show your feelings to others. You would rather keep your feelings to yourself than share them with your friends. You might get a pleasant surprise if you are more open about caring for people - they will probably let you know that you're special to them, too. -But I AM caring... :(

And sometimes...

2009-03-07T23:40:00.002+08:00

This is going to be an incoherent post... don't ask me why...

I don't know how to say it, and yet I have something to say.
I don't want to cry, but the tears threaten to fall.
I want to touch, but I'm too far away.
I want to grasp it, but it keeps moving away.
I want to sleep, but I keep staying awake.
Thinking, feeling, wanting, yearning, falling, forgetting... does it make sense? I knew it wouldn't...

If I knew how to write all these in Korean... this would make a great love song... haha!

Found this song on my friend's Cyworld... it's so sweet... Sorry I have no translations... or MV...

Old Fogey...

2009-03-04T22:22:00.002+08:00

I'm a sucker for old songs >_< I've been online searching for old songs that I like...

Yes... he used to be one of the idols :D When he made a come back after his stint in the army, this was one of the songs they were promoting on Channel V :D Never really listened to his songs before then... but now that my Chinese vocab has somewhat expanded, I understand this song better, and love it more :)

He is definitely not hot :P But I love this song... My Canto vocab is still pretty small... so I don't really know what he's singing... nyahaha! Still... I like the tone of the song, the tune, and I know he's singing about how things remind him of 'you'...

It's one of the sweetest love songs I know... too bad I don't know how to sing it, and no one I know actually listens to this song :( I guess there will be no duet :P

This is my theme song of the month :D My dream would be someone singing it to me as a proposal... hehehe! Wishful thinking...

Oh well... shows everyone what an old fogey I am at heart T_T

Rainy day...

2009-02-22T15:27:00.008+08:00

Credits for photo to: http://godgirl.wordpress.com/

I've never really walked under torrents of rain before, and today I did... it was a liberating experience, other than the fact that I was worried that my mobile phone would get soaked :D

You'll feel like you didn't have a single care in the world, and allow the rain to wash away all the tension you had inside you. Try it someday...

Credits for photo to: http://www.davidde.com/

Why did you call?

2009-02-20T23:38:00.006+08:00

I've heard many sad songs lately, but this one is the best. It almost made me tear... if I were alone in my room when I watched it, I'd be bawling... the lyrics are so sad and poignant... it's a simple love song, with such a painful tone to it. Reminds me of the heartbreaking loves I've been through...

The singer is Shin Hye Sung from the band Shinhwa. This will be his 3rd solo album.

Not subbed by my favourite subber, but it'll do. Thanks to nglkt for subbing :D

For those who can read Chinese, I think the Chinese translations would be even better :D

Insomnia...

2009-02-19T23:26:00.005+08:00

No... I do not have insomnia... Wheesung and Craig David does :D

I was quite impressed with Wheesung's version. I actually preferred the video because it really showed him, as opposed to Craig David's, where he kept hiding behind the shadows and let the girl have more than half the video to herself... Is it cos he got fatter and he's shy? :D If only Wheesung had chosen a hotter girl to 'paw' in his video :P

The song is quite catchy... I love the bridge and the chorus. I don't like the starting of the 2nd half cos they mangled it with the big mouthful of lyrics and ruined the fluidity of the song. Otherwise... it would've been a song I could sing along to... now I can only mumble all the verses... Grrr... But on the other hand... I am impressed with the lyrics of the Korean version. Simply adore them. I find them more meaningful than the English version... which sounds like it's been done before...

Watch both videos and decide...

Wheesung's

Thanks to coolsmurf again for posting. I try to get his videos up here cos he manages to get decent subs and he doesn't plaster the video with his signature like some other ppl :P

P.S. This is the first Wheesung song I bothered to download and listen to :D

Craig David's

BAD WOMAN!!!

2009-02-17T21:19:00.001+08:00

This is the anthem of the year for dumpees... if you're a girl, change the lyrics to 'bad man' :P

Pig-ology

2009-02-17T11:18:00.002+08:00

Let others know a little more about yourself, re-post this as your name followed by "ology"

IF I TAGGED YOU, PLEASE PUT THIS UP ON YOUR PAGE AS A NOTE AND TAG SOME OTHER PEOPLE!

FOOD-OLOGY

What is your salad dressing of choice?
Mayo

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
Dunno… don’t we all sit in restaurants? I hate standing when I’m eating…

What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of it?
Satay… pork satay

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Ham, bacon, mushrooms, lots and lots of cheese!!!

What do you like to put on your toast?
Butter or peanut butter

TECHNOLOGY

How many television sets are in your house?
3 in Singapore, 4 in Melaka (take note, Danie)

What color of cell phone do you have?
Green, white, blue, black… it’s colorful!!!

BIOLOGY

Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right…

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Booger? Plaque on my teeth?

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A stool (small chair… not poop)

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Why would that happen to me? Because I talked too much?

BULLCRAPOLOGY

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
I generally hate surprises, but this is one thing I’d not wanna know. Even though I’d love to be able to say goodbye to all the people I love… so I treat each day like my last :)

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
No idea… Pig? Zhu Yi? Hehehe! Maybe not… my name is pretty cool… unlike some country bumpkin’s… :D

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
No... I’d be suffering for weeks after…

DUMBOLOGY

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
2?

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
Erm… 2 Chinese New Years ago… for running a red light :D

Last person you talked to?
Maik

Last person you hugged?
My daddy (Danie… take note… Eve wasn’t the last one :P)

FAVORITOLOGY

Season?
Windy summer

Holiday?
Any long holiday is appreciated

Day of the week?
Saturday

Month?
December

CURRENTOLOGY

Missing someone?
Yep :(

Mood?
Bored

What are you listening to?
Black Beat

Watching?
My laptop screen

Worrying about?
If Pan Kuma and Sybilla will botch up the assassination my plan >:D

RANDOMOLOGY

First place you went today?
Toilet

What's the last movie you saw?
Bolt

Do you smile often?
I try to... I think I smile weird… blame the braces… still learning to smile :P

QUESTIONS

1)Do you always answer your phone?
Yes… unless I didn’t hear it ring

2) It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
Maxis? Damn it!!! Stop sending promotional SMSes at odd hours!!!

3) If you could change your eye color what would it be?
Hazel…

4) What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
What’s Sonic?

5) Do you own a digital camera?
Yessum…

6) Have you ever had a pet fish?
Yeah... I once had 10 puffer fish… most of them died within the day cos they idiot aquarium didn’t tell me that they needed a pump in the tank. I love puffer fish :) Their little fins are so adorable

7) Favorite Christmas song?
Can’t remember…

8) What's on your wish list for your birthday?
Success and happiness in life

9) Can you do push ups?
May need some help

10) Can you do a chin up?
Don’t think so… my arms would break first

11) Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Nervous

12) Do you have any saved texts?
Yes… I should probably delete them after I read them… but I always forget

13) Ever been in a car wreck?
NO!!! Choi… choi… choi…

14) Do you have an accent?
My hair is nicely accented by red highlights :D

15) What is the last song to make you cry?
Graze by Shinee… painful song…

16) Plans tonight?
Tummy slimming treatment

17) Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Yes… but I’ve bounced back :D

18) Name 3 things you bought in the last week
Wet wipes, Sesame Street tissue, lottery ticket

19) Have you ever been given roses?
Yes... of course!!! :P

20) Current worrry?
I may never find my path in life

21) Current hate right now?
The need to depend on people

22) Met someone who changed your life?
Yes… a few actually…

23) How did you bring in the New Year!
How do you bring it in? Doesn’t it just come?

24) What song represents you?
Bad Woman by FT Island or This Woman by Lee Soo Young

25) Name three people who might complete this?
Felicia, Kristi, Xing

26) What were you doing at 12 AM last night
Falling asleep

27) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I wanna go back to sleep

Not feeling creative... pardon the generic answers :P

Hazel Eyes...

2009-02-17T10:02:00.002+08:00

Not sure of her eye color yet... but I bet it will will be a beautiful one since her mummy already has beautiful eyes :)

Welcome Hazel! You're the closest thing I have to my own daughter now... I'm gonna shower you with lots of love and presents from now on... *HUGS*

Honey!!!

2009-02-16T19:51:00.002+08:00

I love this song by KARA, but I was really disappointed by the quality of the MV used to promote it. The footage was jumping all over the place, and there was no focus at all. So what if they were dolled up so nicely... it was a waste :(

Thanks to coolsmurf for posting the vid!

Go Away...

2009-02-14T18:13:00.002+08:00

I'm so sad... Fly to the Sky is finally disbanding. Decennium would be their last album together T_T Their song for their comeback/farewell is aptly titled Go Away / Goodbye You. Enjoy the MV and their live performance... Will put up a better one if it appears on YouTube. Do buy their last album if you can... as a final support to the band...

I'm gonna go wallow now... *sobs*

Alone again...

2009-02-04T13:12:00.008+08:00

I'm posting because I know some people are waiting for me to explain, but I really don't have the breath to explain to every single person. I may edit this later, because I feel that I might have missed out some stuff or explained some things wrongly. But for now, this is what I have to say.

-------------------------------------------------------

I’ve always hated walking alone… eating alone… doing anything alone. When he came along, I thought that my life was set. As long as I didn’t have to walk alone, eat alone or live a life alone, we’d be fine. But I guess there are some things you need to learn before you can be an adult. I’ve held back all this time, and lived the life I had because I was so afraid. I was afraid of being alone; having no one to go to when I needed love and support. Don’t ask me “What about your family?” The love and support from your family is different. It’s not the same as the love and support coming from a person who loves you. If you think your family would love you unconditionally, wait till you meet someone who loves you more than your family does.

He is such a person. I’ve always felt he loved me more than anyone did, other than my Dad. But it wasn’t just love that was important. It was how he understood what I wanted and needed. It irked me that he never saw the small things I needed, but it touched me whenever he understood the things that mean a lot to me. No relationship is perfect, but maybe mine was almost perfect. So why did I have to leave?

Maybe it’s been too long. I no longer know what I want out of the relationship, other than a person to come home to at night, to care for me when I’m sick, to support me when I needed words of encouragement and a hug, and to hold me when I cry.

I just decided that I need to learn to stand alone. For years, even before I met him, I have been reliant on those who would allow me to rely on them. It took me all this time to decide because I was so afraid of being alone, and didn’t want the hassle of going through a tedious separation. I won’t say break up. We were the closest thing to being married. Leaving each other was as big a production as a divorce. It would’ve been so much easier if we’d just gotten married and just continue with our lives, but I wasn’t contented. I want to change... I want to be a stronger and better person...

Here’s where everyone calls me an ungrateful bitch, and how stupid I am for throwing away the best thing in my life. Who would love me that much? Who would do everything for me like he did? Who would promise to take care of me for life? I’ve thought about all these questions… long before this… back then, I was afraid, but now I’ve decided that I want to live my life. I don’t want to be held back because I’m afraid to move forward, alone. It may sound mostly selfish on my part, but I also hope that by doing this, he can start focusing on his life, and what he wants and needs to do for himself. I don’t want him to keep planning his life around me, and I want my life to stop revolving around him. Of course that’s what you do when you’re a couple, but at this moment, I don’t see a future other than us keep dancing around each other.

Of course I’m still afraid. I’m afraid that I would wake up when I’m in my late 30s and realize that I’m unloved and unwanted. But then I wonder, is that worse than committing to something I might regret 10 years later, and having to live with it for the rest of my life? I’ll take my chance now, when I still have some time left.

I've definitely learnt a great deal from being with him. I’m not walking away with nothing. I know now how it feels to know that you can put your life in someone’s hands. I know how secure it feels to know that this person will love and accept you no matter what you become or look like 30-40 years down the road. I may never be able to do this with another person in the future, but if there is anyone who would be able to do 50% of what he has done for me, it’s already a huge feat.

10 years from now… maybe I’ll end up with him again, maybe I’ll find someone new, maybe I’ll be alone. I just want to grow and mature in this time, and learn to take care of myself. Whoever it is who becomes my partner when that time comes… I think he would be thankful to know that I am a better person than I was, and I would be a worthy partner for him, not just a companion. Hopefully…

Superman!!!

2009-02-01T17:08:00.004+08:00

For some reason... this song is addictive. Check out the lyrics :D Maybe I'll Romanize it later... hehe!

And one of my fave female singers, Lee Soo Young is out with a new song... This Woman.

I love the lyrics too... they're so meaningful, and reminiscent :P For elaboration, ask me personally :D

Molla-what?

2009-01-18T22:42:00.005+08:00

The song is called Molla-ing... which directly translates as 'don't knowing' but I think the correct translation will be 'not knowing. Whatever...

As you can see... I am less biased these days. I don't just ogle at pretty boys, but I appreciate the music of 'bao-faced' Korean girls also ^_^ She reminds me of Sohee of Wonder Girls, whom I seriously detest :P But the song is nice... I might even try to learn it. Nyahaha!

I'm nice enough to hunt for the subbed version of the song, yet again... thank you to this kind YouTube user for subbing the vid.

So shall we give May Doni a chance? We'll see... I'll check out her album and come back to y'all.

One thing... I don't get the MV... so is she singing about her not knowing that her bf is a gay boy? I'm not homophobic... I just like to get the facts straight :P

Update: I was wondering why her name was so long, I found out that she was born in the USA. So her name was May Doni Kim (Korean style: Kim May Doni / Kim Maydoni). Doni is her middle name... ang moh style! Yo! :P So shouldn't they just call her May? :P

Lyrics for this song are posted on my lyrics blog: http://sierraskyeshoei.wordpress.com/korean-songs/

One more for the road...

2009-01-15T23:34:00.003+08:00

Before I go to bed... I just found the ALL-NEW acapella version of the Hahaha Song by TVXQ! They made it sound like gospel... tee hee! *skips around*

Lovely... isn't it? :P

Call me... Call me... [updated!]

2009-01-15T23:09:00.010+08:00

Ah... we have yet another piece of Korean eye candy to ogle at... meet Tae Goon...

~~No vid with translations yet, but once I find one, I'll switch this away.~~
Found subbed version!

Rumour has it that he's TVXQ's Jae Joong's buddy. So since he's almost family, I'll do a short mention on him. The song is pretty catchy, and the video... 'nuff said. Jae Joong barely appeared for a total of 1 min, but it's enough for me... he's HAWT!!! Tae Goon isn't too shabby either. The only eyesore was the girl. The guys were obviously too attractive for her. What would possess her to even two-time Jae?

Whoever wrote the script did not have his head on straight. In the end... Jae shoots at Tae Goon and the girl (I can very well put her name here, but I prefer to call her 'the girl'). They don't say who got shot... Though I'm not a fan of YAOI, I'll still say that I hope Jae shot the girl, then went off with Tae Goon. Hehehe!

Speaking of pretty boys, a colleague of mine could not understand why girls were so enamored by them (not all girls, just some of us, or many of us).

He said:
Even if you got your claws on one, you won't be able to keep him. They probably date the hottest chicks all the time.

My reply:
Well... as much as a man likes eating the good food outside or even the expensive food... every so often, he would yearn for a homecooked meal. That'll be me! ^_^

His response:
You're right... hahahahahaha...

Don't get me wrong... I am far from homely or wifely... what I was pointing out was that they do like 'normal' girls once in awhile... so don't lose hope, fangirls of pretty boys... our day will come!!! And we will taste their sweet fleshes... YUMM!!!

Are you annoyed yet?

2009-01-07T19:59:00.005+08:00

Cos my sister is already annoyed that I replayed the song so many times when checking the lyrics. Hehehe!

As usual... tell me if I've made a mistake :P

소녀시대 - GEE

Uh-Huh! Listen Boy!
My First Love Story (U-Uh-Huh U-Uh-Huh Yeah)
My Angel(Ha-Ah)& My Girls(Ha-Ah)
My Sunshine Uh Uh Let's Go~

neomu neomu meotjyeo
nun-i nun-i pushyeo
sumeul mot shwikesseo tteollineun Girl
Gee Gee Gee Gee Baby Baby Baby Baby
Gee Gee Gee Gee Baby Baby Baby Baby

Oh! Neomu pukkeureowo ch'yeoda pol su eobseo
sarange ppajyeoseo sujubeun Girl
Gee Gee Gee Gee Baby Baby Baby Baby
Gee Gee Gee Gee Be Be Be Be Be Be

(eotteoke hajyo) eotteok etteok hajyo
(tteollineun naneun) tteollineun naneunyo
(tugeuntugeuntugeuntugeun) tugeuntugeunkeoryeo
pamen chamdo moshirujyo

naneun naneun pabongabwayo
keudae keudae pakke moreuneun
pabo
keuraeyo keudael poneun nan

neomu panjjak panjjak nuni pushyeo
No No No No No
neomu kkamjjak kkamjjak nollan naneun
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
neomu jjarit jjarit momi tteollyeo
Gee Gee Gee Gee Gee
Oh! Cheojeun nunbich Oh Yeah~
Oh! Choh-eun hyanggi Oh Yeah Yeah Yeah~

Oh! neomu neomu yeppeo mami neomu yeppeo
ch'eot nune panhaesseo kkok chip'eun Girl
Gee Gee Gee Gee Baby Baby Baby Baby
Gee Gee Gee Gee Baby Baby Baby Baby

neomuna tteugeowo manjil suga eobseo
sarange t'abeoryeo hukkeunhan Girl
Gee Gee Gee Gee Baby Baby Baby Baby
Gee Gee Gee Gee Be Be Be Be Be Be

(eojjeomyeon choh-a) eojjeomyeon choh-ayo
(sujubeun naneun) sujubeun naneunyo
(mollamollamollamolla) molla molla hamyeo
maeil keudaeman keurijyo

ch'inhanch'ingudeureun malhajyo
cheongmal neneun cheongmal mot mallyeo
pabo
hajiman keudael poneun nan

neomu panjjak panjjak nuni pushyeo
No No No No
neomu kkamjjak kkamjjak nollan naneun
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
neomu jjarit jjarit momi tteollyeo
Gee Gee Gee Gee Gee
Oh! cheojeun nunbich Oh Yeah~
Oh! Choh-eun hyanggi Oh Yeah Yeah Yeah~

maldo mothaetneungeol
neomu pukkeureowo haneun nan
(U-Uh-Huh U-Uh-Huh Yeah)
yonggiga eobneungeolkka (Ha-ah)
eotteohkeya choh-eungeolkka (Ha-ah)
tugeuntugeun mam chorimyeo parabogo itneun nan

neomu panjjak panjjak nuni pushyeo (Oh~)
No No No No No (Ha!)
neomu kkamjjak kkamjjak nollan naneun
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
neomu jjarit jjarit momi tteollyeo
Gee Gee Gee Gee Gee (tteollyeowa)
Oh! cheojeun nunbich Oh Yeah~
Oh! Choh-eun hyanggi Oh Yeah Yeah Yeah~

neomu panjjak panjjak nuni pushyeo (nuni pushyeo~)
No No No No No (No No No~)
neomu kkamjjak kkamjjak nollan naneun (kkamjjak kkamjjak nolran naneun)
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh (Oh Oh Oh~)
neomu jjarit jjarit momi tteollyeo
Gee Gee Gee Gee Gee (tteollyeowa)
Oh! cheojeun nunbich Oh Yeah~
Oh! Choh-eun hyanggi Oh Yeah Yeah Yeah~

Gee! Gee! Gee! Gee! Gee!

2009-01-07T19:15:00.006+08:00

I've decided not to be sexist this year, so I'm gonna support more female K-Pop acts. 소녀시대(So Nyeo Shi Dae - SNSD), otherwise known as Girls Generation have released a mini album entitled Gee. I was a little skeptical when I first heard the title, but the song turned out to be pretty catchy... that is if you like cute girls. But they're song is definitely not as ditzy as KARA's Pretty Girl.

The video could definitely be better. Not enough dancing... and as usual... too much hair flying around that I can't tell who's who. And why must they always have a bridge where it's all slow... slow... slow... in a fast song? Anyhoo... cute song! A song about first love. Hmm... it's been so long since my first love... did it really feel like this song described it? Hehe!

As much as I hate to admit it, Nobody is easier to remember. Then again... SM likes complicated songs :P All the best to SNSD. But there are 9 of them... they should pose a threat at least...

I'll post romanizations later for those who wanna sing along. You can definitely try, but I find the song to be a bloody tongue twister.

Another one of those...

2009-01-04T22:52:00.002+08:00

I chanced upon another few of those weird videos advertised on the MSN Messenger... Enjoy! Might be useful...

Be Sexy Eating Messy Food

Bikini Do's And Don'ts

Pretty Girl... Beautiful Girl...

2008-12-31T22:37:00.005+08:00

I usually hate girl bands, but this song just makes me feel HAPPY!!!

To all my girls... have a wonderful year ahead... and like this songs says...

You can be a pretty girl, a beautiful girl, as long as you believe it and put effort into it ^_^

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

For those who got hooked and wanna sing along...

If you wanna pretty every wanna pretty
andoendaneun mameun no no no no
If you wanna pretty every wanna pretty
eodiseona tangdanghage keotgi

nawa makneun ose tto patch'yeojuneun malt'u
senseuitneun p'ojeu keunyang oejineun anjyo
saenghwal sangshigeun kibon shisa sangshigeun seont'aek
ta kkeunhim eobneun noryeogijyo

Girl! Pretty Girl! Pretty Girl! Chogeumdo mangseoril keot eobjyo
nan Beautiful Girl! Beautiful Girl! Beautiful! ye ye ye ye
keunyang toejin anhneun keojyo
nan Beautiful Girl! Beautiful! ye ye ye ye come on beautiful girl!

If you wanna pretty every wanna pretty
andoendaneun mameun no no no no
If you wanna pretty every wanna pretty
eodiseona tangdanghage keotgi

Girl! Pretty Girl! Pretty Girl! Chogeumdo mangseoril keot eobjyo
nan Beautiful Girl! Beautiful Girl! Beautiful! ye ye ye ye
Girl! Pretty Girl! Pretty Girl! keunyang toejin anhneun keojyo
nan Beautiful Girl! Beautiful! ye ye ye ye come on beautiful girl!

maeumeun yeppeuge p'yojeongeun sanddeuthage
harureul sijakhamyeon seo itji maraya hajyo
to nuneul kkambagimyeo saljjak miso jieumyeon
ijen modeunge wanbyeonghajyo

Girl! Pretty Girl! Pretty Girl! Nugurado doelsuitjyo
nan Beautiful Girl! Beautiful! ye ye ye ye ye ye ye ye ye
Girl! Pretty Girl! Pretty Girl! Keunyang toejin anhneungeojyo
nan Beautiful Girl! Beautiful Girl YE~

If you wanna pretty every wanna pretty
andoendaneun mameun no no no no
If you wanna pretty every wanna pretty
eodiseona tangdanghage keotgi

Just wanna feel free...

2008-12-30T15:18:00.006+08:00

This is like the 3rd time this year I’ve OD-ed on Korean music. I had too much time over the weekend and I went on a download frenzy… I have now amassed almost all of Park Hyo Shin’s albums, just missing his 5th album. Anyone know where I can get it? And also the instrumental version for Castle of Zoltar… I need that.

Also downloaded Lee Min Woo’s 4th album, M RIZING and SS501's mini-album, U R Man. Something about SS501’s songs it just makes me wanna dance. I now understand how it feels to be in a goldfish bowl. My room in Singapore is small, but space is not an issue for me. It’s the fact that there are so many people at home who may intrude on this private activity of mine :P Sitting here in the office is a torture. My whole body is itching to dance. Just wanna run off somewhere and dance all the tension away.

Let's do some reviews... I've always liked Lee Min Woo's music, but this 4th album was really different. I don't see a very consistent style of music throughout the album, which makes it very entertaining.

1. I'm Here
2. 남자를 믿지마 (Feat. BigTone)
3. I “M” U (Feat. MightyMouth)
4. 용서해
5. 멋진 인생
6. 가면 무도회 (Feat. BigTone) (Masquerade)
7. 윙크 쇼 (Wink Show)
8. Honey 꼬시기 - Feat. 유빈 (Wonder Girls)
9. Sad Song
10. 반한 Girl
11. 나의 여백(M’s Epilogue)
12. ...없게 만들어요
13. Hot! (Feat. 손담비)...)

The opening song, I'm Here is powerful. Wink Show is reminiscent of a circus parade. Cool Life sounds like a song by the Korean Rat Pack :P Masquerade is a good song to tango to ^_^ But the sexiest song will be Hot! featuring Son Dambi of the chairdance fame :P Please wiki if you need elaboration.

SS501's Triple-S put out a surprisingly different album. This album reminds me a lot of 90s Pop. Think 911, Code Red... but I like it.

1. WANT IT
2. U R Man
3. The ONE
4. 사랑인거죠
5. Never Let You Go
6. I AM

Want It is the typical Hip Hop opening, used to make a statement. U R Man, I have already advertised in one of my last posts. It's K-pop, and the video is funny! :P I dunno what inspired the Korean mob look. My favourite songs are the remaining Never Let You Go, The ONE and I AM (in this order). Don't ask me why I like them... I have a soft spot for 90s pop... and when you throw in funny instruments, it just gets me hooked to the song :P

On a darker note, I got slammed on YouTube several times in the past few days. It’s kinda disheartening to hear from mean people. I usually reply politely and carry on doing what I like, but it gets annoying when such people keep coming back to attack me. I have never put myself out as a good dancer. I dance because I love the way the music makes me feel. I just want to move when I hear a great song. The other reason I post my videos is to share good songs with people. Naturally, I won’t just post the songs and put a photo… why not make it a little more interesting by posting a video? :P

I know for a fact that I can dance, because my teachers have told me so. Of course I can’t do splits or backflips, but I can move. I just lack discipline. If I would actually take the time and put in the effort to choreograph and practice before I record, it would definitely look better. I’ll be starting my Hip Hop lessons again after CNY. Hopefully that would help me improve.

But honestly, I love freestyling, and just dancing to whatever and whenever. I guess this is my message to the viewers. To feel free and do whatever it is that music makes you feel. What else is more precious in today’s world than freedom of expression? The feeling that you are releasing that inner energy and putting your emotions on display…

Some people paint, some people cook, some take photos, some write poetry… I just wanna dance ^_^ (and sing too!)

I will make it...

2008-12-28T13:19:00.010+08:00

Yes... I am in obsessive mode again. I can't help it that this song is inspiring. If you have watched the live version, you would have seen the meaning of the lyrics. For those who like the song as much as I do... I have romanized the lyrics so you can sing along!!! ^_^ Please tell me if I made any mistakes...

Castle of Zoltar

Hey~ ye~

hoe saekbichkkal toshiwiro
pulgeunbich'i tteo-oreugo
robotgateun saramdeureun ppareuge kago
eoneunalbut'eo meomchwo-itdeon nae
shimjange pakhin t'ae-eobdo
alsu-eobneun him-e kkeulleo toragagoisseo

Hey~ ye~
meonjiro chaukhan nae soge
kieoge chogageul ch'a-go
pureojyeotdeon nalgeul put'yeo narabwa

I will make it
haneulpoda teo nop'i narakago ship'eo
ch'ayoreul neukkyeobwa
nae ane shining life

himideulttaen kureumwi-e olla
pararae sesangeul pwa
naega parabon igotpoda
areumdaungeon eobseulkkeol shining star

hayahke muldeun kkumkyeolsoge
zoltar-ui sangjeul poatji
eoriljeok nae sowondeuljung eotteongeol wonhae

shigani heulleoseo
eoreuni toen chigeumnan
nal chik'yeojul neol ch'akkesseo

I will make it
paramboda teo ppalli
tallyeokagoship'eo
sesangeul kachyeobwa
nalwihae shining life

himideulttaen eondeokwireul olla
tallyeoweo sesangeulbwa
naega seoitneun igotmank'eum
areumdaungeon eobseulkka shining star

I will make it
haneulpoda teo nop'i
narakagoshi'peo
cheoyureul neukkyeobwa
nae ane shining life

himideulttaen kureumwi-e olla
pararae sesangeul pwa
naega parabon igotpoda
areumdaungeon eobseulkkeol shining star

효신 오빠!!!

2008-12-27T23:07:00.004+08:00

His name is Park Hyo Shin. This guy is my latest obession. His voice is super duper heavenly... I can't believe I didn't know about him till now. He's had about 5 albums put out already!!

The video doesn't say much, but he does look awesome in it. This guy can also sing perfectly live!

The band that accompanies him is pretty good... HWANG PROJECT! ^_^ When I hear this song, I imagine an MV that goes like this...

A male protagonist (hot guy looking like him) runs in the snow... just runs... and at the end of the song, the female protagonist stands there, waiting for him ^_^ Yea... I have weird visions in my mind :P

Triple S???

2008-12-19T23:27:00.006+08:00

As always... I have nothing better to say... but first of all I wanna tell my best buds that I had a great time on my b'day. Thank you for taking the time to meet up and spend this dreaded day with me. I'm now a quarter of a century old T_T MWAAHHH!!!

Let's introduce Triple-S; the subgroup of SS501 which was formed because the 2 other S's (asses ^_^) were too busy. Their new song sounds very familiar to something they have done before, but for some reason... I adore it. Even if they're dressed like members of a mob for the MV. Maybe it's because of Kyu Joong ^_^

MV

LIVE

I Like to FAN GIRL...

2008-10-07T19:52:00.001+08:00

I found 2 adorable vids about their new album and the works...

Jae Joong was NOT as thin as I thought he was. He looked kinda small in the actual MV... but here in the making... I could really see his muscles... it's just the way I'd always liked it... yummy!!! He's not painfully thin anymore... YAY!!!

MIROTIC iz I... [the review]

2008-10-02T10:41:00.010+08:00

Since we all know I have nothing worthwhile to do these days… let’s review every single song in MIROTIC :D I’ve not checked out the translation of each song… so I’m reviewing them solely based on how the tunes makes me feel.

01. 주문(MIROTIC)
This song sounded weird to me when I first heard it on YouTube. Nevertheless… I still danced to it :P After hearing the actual track on mp3, I realized the beat was so different. Wonder why =.= I would’ve interpreted the song differently in the dance had I heard this version first. The main thing about this song is that it grows on you. First listen… hmmm… 2nd listen… still hmm… 3rd listen… mmm hmmm… 4th listen… oooh… 5th listen… I’m hooked.

02. Wrong Number
This song is heavy. I caught a few words singing about nagging and the woman being bothersome. So basically they don’t want a this nagging woman to call anymore ^_^ The singing is okay in this song.

03. 노을...바라보다 (Picture of You)
This is their specialty… the soft lilting melody of a traditional ballad. Sadly… their harmonization don’t give a fresh take to the song. It sounds like every ballad they’ve ever sung. Don’t get me wrong… it’s a nice song… but it leaves me wanting to hear something different… other than their usual staple of traditional or R&B-ish ballads.

04. CRAZY LOVE
Oooh… this song I am crazy about. Mostly cos Electronic is in these days, and I love Electronic. The song is light and fluffy… makes you feel high and ready to dance. So you’d have guessed… I danced to this one :P It’s a bit old school and disco-ish. I can listen to it all day. Puts me in a good mood.

05. HEY!(Don't bring me down)
This song means business. Starts off with beat box sounds (wonder if they did it themselves). It’s a rockin’ song… good for power walking. Hehe! But at the same times… makes you wanna krump to it too… kekeke! Don’t be surprised if I decide to dance this one too :P

06. 넌 나의 노래
This I can translate the title… ‘You’re my song (or melody)’. Also cos they keep singing this line in the song. Another slow song… but this isn’t like the earlier. Sounds like an English song I know… can’t put my finger on it. This one might make it onto an OST for some serial drama.

07. 무지개 (Rainbow)
Hmm… starts of with an old school beat, very 80s. I actually like this one. Very danceable too. It’s light and sweet too, but not as good as Crazy Love :)

08. 낙원 (Paradise)
I hear the sitar playing. I just realized there are so many American R&B inspired tunes here. I could totally see this song in an R Kelly album. Are they straying too far from their Korean roots?

09. 악녀(Are You a Good Girl?)
I am guessing this is naughty song; another dance track. And I think the title in Korean looks more like ‘devil girl’ or ‘bad girl’ to me… hehe! My Korean is still crappy… I could be wrong. Doesn’t stir much in me, this song…

10. Flower Lady
Lalala… another sweet ballad… the title is odd. I call songs like that ‘album fillers’.

11. 잊혀진계절
This is supposed to be a special track in Version A of the album. Another traditional Korean ballad. I just found out that it means 'Forgotten Season', courtesy of Wikipedia. A Jae Joong solo... It sounds like gospel music to me =.= Sorry Jae... But it's a remake of a classic... so... :P

12. love in the Ice
This is the Korean version of one of their Japanese singles. Yes… it’s a ballad. I used to like this song… but you’ll grow tired of it. Then again… Jae Joong and Jun Su’s voices were very prominent here… so that’s one reason for me to love it.

Now that I have went through every single song… I can actually count the number of songs I actually like. About 6-7… which makes it half the album. I guess this is what always happens when you buy an album. You may only like 2 out of the 10-14 songs. You can really tell which song makes an impression on me from the length and description I can provide in it, eh? ^_^

The new album’s concept is really to show that they’ve become MEN. Hence the sexy lyrics & tunes and sexified new image (utilizing lots of chest exposure). The dancing is still the same style for me. And yes, I am biased… but I do think Yoo Chun totally missed the boat when it came to the new look. Can’t blame him though. It’s his stylists’ fault. What’s up with the hair??? It’s so unbecoming…

As usual… Jae’s hair is the best. He totally personifies the concept of the new album. Though I'm still hankering for him to put on a bit more weight so that his muscles will look more defined *drools* I’m gonna get his haircut ASAP. It kinda reminds me of my old hair. Let’s see what my stylist says. I’m beginning to get bored of my current cut… makes me look matured. I wanna be edged out… not just cos I adore Jae’s hair… I think watching ANTM is brainwashing me again. Hehe!

Please buy the album if you care about them. Proceeds will go to feeding them more rice and kimch'i so that they'll put on more weight... T_T

Btw... here's a vid of their live performance of MIROTIC...

i iz MIROTIC...

2008-09-24T19:25:00.006+08:00

The objects of my desire are back... my TVXQ!

I'm not so crazy about the new song yet... mainly because it reminds me a little of Xiah's 'My Page', but the video is hot enough for me... my Jae has regained some muscles... but still not enough for me. EAT MORE!!!

Anyhoo... here's their new MV for the title track 주문 (Mirotic).

Their 4th album, Mirotic, is a combination of the words 'miro' which means 'maze' with the suffix 'tic'. Don't ask me why they came up with such a name... Koreans still baffle me sometimes :D The standard explanation is that it means that 'to be warped into a labyrinth'. Interestingly, some have translated Mirotic to mean 'spell'... as in a witch's spell... etc. The song is mainly about my honeys singing about how people are so into them... so true... YES... I've fallen for you, I want you, and I've got you under my skin... hehe!

I've preordered the beautiful album, version B. Comes with a DVD. I'm having 2nd thoughts... should I have gotten the photobook version? I mean... books last forever, and DVDs will die someday... hmmm... But where will I keep the book? Gaaahhh... :P Here's extra info...

Version A: CD + Photobook
01 . 주문(MIROTIC)
02 . Wrong Number
03 . 노을..바라보다
04 . CRAZY LOVE
05 . HEY!(Don't bring me down)
06 . 넌 나의 노래
07 . 무지개
08 . 낙원
09 . 악녀(Are you A Good girl?)
10 . Flower Lady
11 . 잊혀진계절
12 . love in the Ice

Version B: CD + DVD
CD
01 . 주문(MIROTIC)
02 . Wrong Number
03 . 노을..바라보다
04 . CRAZY LOVE
05 . HEY!(Don't bring me down)
06 . 넌 나의 노래
07 . 무지개
08 . 낙원
09 . 악녀(Are you A Good girl?)
10 . Flower Lady

DVD
The 4th Album Surprise Project – Directed by TVXQ! <20080830-20080831 a-nation ’08 Tokyo Story>
01 . Directed by HERO (Interviewee : U-Know)
02 . Directed by U-Know (Interviewee : MAX) ’
03 . Directed by MAX (Interviewee : Xiah) ’
04 . Directed by Xiah (Interviewee : Micky)
05 . Directed by Micky (Interviewee : HERO)
06 . Directed by TVXQ! – Talk about ‘MIROTIC’
07 . Directed by TVXQ! – Surprise Project

I'm moving on...

2008-09-11T13:18:00.003+08:00

I hit the bottom yesterday. I wanted to just quit everything here and go home. What will I do when I get home? I thought about it, and felt that I’d very much like to just stay home and accompany my mother day-in, day-out. What will I do for income? I don’t wanna work :P

Yes… it’s very absurd. I know it’s absurd… but this was what my demented mind was egging me on to do yesterday.

“Go home…” the voice whispered. “Go home…”

I called my father and cried for 40 over minutes, trying to get his blessing to follow that voice. Of course he said that I shouldn’t, and if I wanted to… I should only do it maybe 10 years down the road. Then he proceeded to tell me all the hardships he’d been through long ago, and even now. The stories didn’t lift my spirit… but they made me think of the kind of life my father had led and how he had come to where he was today. Life got better for him… and now I hope life will get better for me.

I calmed down by noon yesterday. I realized being able to interact with people made me happier. I need people to talk to. I need to be able to tell them about me. A bit self-centered, I know… but isn’t that how it always is? When you see a friend, you’d want to tell them what has been happening to you, and of course listen to what has been happening to them? I’m going to try harder to find people to talk to… I need more friends :P

Yesterday, I finally got over my phobia of eating mixed rice. I dunno how I got it in the first place, but I was dreading it every time I thought of dinner. I don’t anymore… and neither am I dreading lunch time. I’ll need to work on keeping this mood in check. I’d been dreading all mealtimes since I came back to Singapore because I kept telling myself the food here sucked and I eat the same shit every day :P I’m better now… and I’m reminding myself that I should eat to survive, and not think so much about what I’m eating. It’s not like I’m eating poo… I bought a loaf of bread and I’ll munch whenever I feel hungry. I had 3 slices in a span of 3 hours after lunch yesterday. Am I gonna get fat? :P Hope not… I just lost weight… from 55-56 to 53.5. I should be rejoicing and loving the fact that I’m taking the bus and MRT. It has helped me lose weight :P

Mornings are especially hard for me. I’ll admit that it’s partly laziness which prompts me to use my pain – be it minor or major – to lie an extra minute, or to be tempted not to go to work. I need to work on encouraging myself to just get up and go… I suppose making sure that I have quality sleep will help. I get into bed around 10 these days… and fall asleep by 11. And sometimes… I just can’t bear to leave my sleeping Geof. We have so little time together each day. I miss the days in Melaka where we could go home together, and on weekends… just hang out and laze around. Here… we have laundry to think of… and sometimes I have to get home alone :P No matter… I’m pushing him to accompany me home these days. Or when he’s home… I make him shower early so that we can just lounge around and talk before we go to bed :D

“You’re not imperfect,” my dad told me on the phone yesterday.

I’m not perfect either… I may be just a little less than perfect :P But I suppose my life is almost perfect. I have someone who loves me no matter what I become, no matter what I am, and I know that I am capable… I have the brains to do my job well. Why did I have to worry? I’ve always wanted to be perfect… so maybe I wanted too much. But now I know that I am good enough. I’m going to remind myself each day that I am good at what I do. If people gave me the chance… it would be because they had a least a little faith in me… they know I can do it. Time will tell... I CAN DO IT!!!

I’m planning to take a music production course early next year… and if this is really what I like and what I wanna do… I’m gonna take more courses, work on improving myself… while I continue with my current job. Then maybe by the time I settle down and have kids… I can do my music work freelance, or part time… from home :D My kinda life… :D

If you notice… I’m trying to use a lot of positive words now. I keep emphasizing that I am better, I am happier, I am getting healthier… this is how I motivated myself yesterday and this morning. I repeat these affirmations to myself and I am trying to program them into my brain.

I am happy… I am healthy… I am strong… I am capable…

As long as I keep in the right mindset, I will believe in these and I will move forward. I wrote myself a little mantra / affirmation thingie and pasted it right in front of me at my desk. I’d like to share it with everyone who is reading… in case you ever need to be reminded that you have a good life, just like I do… but you just can’t see it in your moments of darkness. Print it out if you like… change the words so that they will speak more specifically to you. I have amended it a few times... whenever I think of a word that would help me reaffirm the thought better. Share this with people you think will need this to help them through their day, or maybe just to remind them how good their life is. Some of the words you may have seen in many of those forwarded emails with the same purpose… reminding you of your good fortunes… some of the words are my own. Make this your own… and let it motivate you to move forward.

(can't upload it at work... will do it at home. This is the text version.)

SMILE…

SOMEONE IS THINKING ABOUT YOU

LAUGH…

YOU GET HAPPIER EVERY SECOND YOU DO IT

SPEAK…

SO THAT OTHERS WILL GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER

TAKE CARE…

LOVE YOURSELF, CARE FOR YOURSELF… SO THAT YOU WILL KEEP GROWING STRONGER, HEALTHIER AND HAPPIER

LOOK FORWARD…

YOUR LIFE IS GETTING BETTER EACH DAY

MOVE FORWARD...

YOU HAVE FAMILY AND FRIENDS WHO WANT TO SEE YOU SUCCEED

REMEMBER…

YOU HAVE SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU AND BELIEVES IN YOU… NO MATTER WHAT

I’m moving forward now… I’m not going to talk about how difficult the road may be or think about how I’m going to keep doing this each day. I will deal with it as each day comes, and I will remind myself…

Look forward… move forward… your life is getting better… and you have people who love you.

I hope the next time I blog… I will be sane again :D No… I should say… the next time I blog… I will be able to tell you how I became sane again ;)

Why?

2008-09-09T12:54:00.004+08:00

I would say that I have no time to blog. But in actual fact, I have no words to describe my life now. That is why I've not been blogging.

I left Melaka for Singapore, thinking that I could finally chase my dreams and lead a life that was worthwhile and fulfilling. I was wrong. I could... of course I could... you can too, but my mind is not strong enough for all this.

I cannot get used to living here. For one... living away from home is horrible. I miss my room. I miss the familiar convenience of Melaka. No matter how shiny and glittery Singapore is, it cannot compare to my home. I miss space. I miss simplicity. I miss the good things in a small town. I miss my old life.

Before I came, the bigger motivation was to be with Geof. I couldn't stand living apart anymore, and I told myself that it would be better for us to be together. What's more... I could pursue my interests in Singapore; music, dance... whatever it is I wanted to study. What I'd forgotten was that moving out here meant taking care of myself, and taking care of myself meant that I had less energy to pursue my interests.

GASTRITIS... the biggest hinderance in my life. My weak mind had given in to this illness. What started as an illness caused by irregular meals has become a condition that has now dictated my life. I am bloated all day. I wake up every morning in pain because of hunger. Nothing placates my stomach. Whatever I ate feels like nothing. Before I sat down to write this, I'd eaten a bowl of porridge. It felt as if I'd just drank a cup of water. Nothing more.

I've given up so many foods... given up my life... I loved eating, and I still do, but these days, I lose my appetite because I am reminded of all the things I should not eat, and all the things that I miss from back home. I worry myself sick about everything I put in my mouth... wondering how it will affect me the next morning. Sometimes I wish I could say "To hell with this..." and eat a bowl of curry. Sometimes I just wish I'd die... then I wouldn't have to torture myself like this anymore. But is it worth dying just because I cannot eat curry, nasi lemak, fried foods... basically all the good stuff other than plain old noodles in soup?

I'm tired. I had been sleepless the past weeks, and the doctor tells me that my lack of sleep is affecting my immune system. That's why I'd been feeling cold every night... I go to bed wearing 2 shirts, long pants and thick socks. The air conditioner is NOT turned on. I'm sleeping a little better now, since I saw the doctor, but once I fix something, my mind comes up with something else for me to fret about.

I hate going to work. I don't have colleagues I can yak to all day. We eat the same boring shit for lunch, and everyone at the office is just so... quiet... I think people actually think that I'm a reserved person at work... I am not myself... I want to be myself. I want to look forward to going to work because I will have a good time. But my sister said "Who likes going to work?" I am pretty sure the people who do like their work would tell you that it makes you feel different... and that it's so much more rewarding to have a happy work environment.

Geof asked me... so are you giving up now? Are you giving up on yourself? Do you just want to go home since this is obviously not working out? I'm not giving up, and I don't want to just go home because I had a reason to be here. I wanted a different life... for 1 year, 2 years or 3 years... I want to live that life...

But where will I find the strength now? Where will I find the will to move forward? Am I letting my self-pity get the better of me?

This is CRACK... Sheeeaaattt!!!

2008-08-23T01:59:00.004+08:00

Once in awhile, I'd blog about the music that I'm into, but this is becoming ridiculous. This song has got me hooked... it's worse than being addicted to crack. It fills my mind and just keeps running in my head. Then it just makes me wanna dance, or immerse myself in all the emotions and heartbreak it's singing about.

Here are 3 versions of my new favourite song by Big Bang, Day by Day (하루하루). For those who don't like R&B-ish dance music... sorry la... this is my fix :P

I am so, so mesmerized by TOP+G-Dragon's combo vocals. For those who dunno which is which... TOP is the sinisterly sexy guy, and G-Dragon is the pretty boy protagonist who got dumped. Take note @ 2:20... the music and vocal build up is mind-blowing!!!

Original Version
For those who wanna just enjoy watching the original.

Translated Version
For those who need to know what it's about.

MV Plot Reinterpreted Version
For those with a wicked sense of humour ^_^

FIND...

2008-07-27T23:31:00.001+08:00

I know I haven't been posting much lately... lots of happening, I just haven't had the mind to condense it in writing yet... so... since I've not been singing for sometime, and I'd found a new song to love... bear with my singing... haha!

Halelujah... ^_^

2008-05-23T00:27:00.003+08:00

My boyfriend just said some very enlightening words to me about 10-20 minutes ago...

"Muslims need to go to Mecca once in their lives. EPL fans need to go to UK once in their lives. You need to go to Korea (South Korea) at least once in your life..."

He really hit the nail in the head... hahaha! So... I guess... I should start saving... but I really don't know when I'll be going :P Anyone wanna come along? But be warned... I don't exactly backpack i.e. I will not sleep in seedy places cos I need a nice clean room to survive... and I don't do tours... unless we tour first and extend our stay. If you're expecting to go to South Korea to see where they filmed Winter Sonata, Jewel in the Palace or Goong... not on my trip :P

But I wouldn't mind joining the groupies outside the TV or radio stations... hehehe~!

Facebook Addiction...

2008-04-30T14:33:00.002+08:00

Yes... this is me being lazy again. I'm not really blogging... but I've gotten into a habit of posting interesting vids I find :) This particular one I found today was about Facebook addiction; an ailment that I suspect is becoming a plague among me and my real friends (not my Facebook friends). Hehe! :P

Facebook Addiction

Rabbits again...

2008-04-08T01:53:00.002+08:00

I chanced upon this adorable Microsoft Office 2007 ad while I was surfing on Facebook... it's just too cute!!!

Btw... I'm using the new Microsoft Office 2007. Still trying to get used to it... :P

Gatsby!!! Gatsby!!!

2008-03-27T14:49:00.003+08:00

Just wanted to put up my collection of mini Moving Rubbers...

It's a little blurred cos they're kinda small and my camera doesn't take nice images in macro mode :P I'll redo it if I have the time.

What's it got to do?

2008-03-22T17:22:00.004+08:00

One popular questions I've been hearing this weekend was "What has the bunny and eggs got to do with the resurrection of Christ?". I was about to Wiki it, when I stumbled upon this video on the internet. So in the spirit of learning and sharing... I hope this video has cleared most doubts ^_^

The History of Easter

Btw... the very outdated me has just watched the movie, Enchanted... my fave character in the movie is Pip, the chipmunk... when he's in the real world. Not too crazy about his voice when he's in Andalasia. And in the entire movie, this is the most original scene ever... original mainly because it parodies one of the most memorable scenes in fairytales...

Pip (as Nathaniel): (with evil voice) Apple?
Pip (as Giselle): (high-pitched) No, thank you!
Pip (as Nathaniel): (with evil voice) It's nice...
Pip (as Giselle): (high-pitched) Oh... okay!

I love how vividly it portrays the obvious evil in the villain's tone, and how the heroine would always be gullible and unwary of the villain. Who would take stuff from suspicious strangers? :P

LOL! Try doing this roleplay with friends (who are kooky enough, like me ^_^ ), or children who would indulge you. Hehehe! You can use all sorts of food and drinks in place of the apple... it still cracks me up after a full day later. Tee hee!

Spring!!!

2008-03-19T16:00:00.002+08:00

I saw this vid on the internet and thought that it was something everyone needs to watch... well... anyone who has a laptop should watch it...

How to Clean Your Laptop